:lol3: :rofl:

A Senators hockey fan was driving home from work and he passed by a local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road; on closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a Toronto Maple Leaf jersey. Now the guy hated the Leafs and suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Leaf fan jumped out of the way. The driver of the car heard a bang but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Sens fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me, can you forgive me father??"

The Priest replied "Of course I can forgive you my son; I got him with the car door."

:lol3: :lol3: :lol3:

Bill Gates Buys Some Lovin'

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

:rofl:

Subject: These Folks Deserve Our Business

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
****************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
****************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
****************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
****************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
****************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
****************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
****************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
****************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
****************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
****************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
****************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
****************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
****************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."****************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place."
****************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
****************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
****************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
****************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
****************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
****************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
****************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
****************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
****************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
****************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

:rofl: good ones. i love the salesmen welcome dog food is expensive one.

These are signs where I live:

Auto body shop sign:
"We meet by accident"

Funeral home name:
"Funeral Friends"

Slaughter house:
"Rolland's Custom Killings"

Doesn't say much for the people in this area....:lol:

"Rolland's Custom Killings"

Ilene, that's hilarious! Do they take special orders?

Mel

:lol: I have no idea Mel, I just see the sign driving by on the highway ... Not the type of place I frequent! I'm a gym rat! :D

This is the name of a hair salon up the line from where I live

"Curl up and dye"

Those were hysterical! There was a hair salon by me called, "giggles." I always thought that was a very bad name for a hair salon.

Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other,
"There is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"

The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."

The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"

The second man says, "No, sorry!"

The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"

A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, mate, there's no paper in this one either."