I guess my biggest fear is that he is going to take this really badly and end up feeling inadequate and like he isn't good enough for me or my family, inevitably leading to his unhappiness and ultimately, the breakdown of our relationship. I will admit, I am struggling with his weight and the pressure from my family, but after being with a man who is the worst kind of human being on the planet, I know what I have in front of me, and I don't want to lose him. He loves me so much, everything he does is for me, and I have never had that before. Am I being young and niaeve? I have no idea what to think or how to proceed. We are engaged, and I don't want to break another engagement, people will think I cant settle down or that there is something wrong with me or something
Caldawg: Explain it to him like you did to us. Say that you love him, and you want to be with him for along time. Say that you're worried that if he doesn't care for himself, that he won't be around for much longer. Make the transition easy for him. Don't expect him to change all at once. Maybe ask him to walk with you. Change his diet a little at a time-example: cut sodas out a little at a time and replace each one with water. He doesn't have to be perfect-he just needs to move in the right direction. It might be helpful to watch videos that will inspire him-like on YouTube, there are people, guys specifically, that lost weight naturally. They have video blogs. They are only a Google search away.
Just noticed that my post from yesterday is missing, HATE these ads popping up in posts, and whenever I hit the submit reply button that I'm logged off instead of being able to see my post. Hey 3FC administrator.......you really screwed up with these latest programming changes that were made.
No time for personals today, but hope that everyone is doing well. Toby got his spring grooming yesterday so he's all perky. Reminds me that I need to make an appointment to get my own trim!
Struggling with sugar. No where near getting my gaming system for staying on plan for 30 days. Today is another day and I am going to stay away from the sugar!
Thanks Tootsieroll. I think the biggest barrier to him losing weight is the fact that he works away from home for half a week. If he was living at home with me all the time, his diet wouldn't be an issue as he would eat what I eat. He also doesn't move enough. He is really self conscious, and we used to go to the same gym, but I left that gym and went to another one, as I wasn't happy with the service I was getting, and I wasn't losing weight there either, because their was no support. He still has a membership at the gym though. My parents really do my head in. No one is ever good enough for them. I have had a number of serious boyfriends who I have taken home to them and no one has been good enough. My parents aren't small people either, yet they still judge. Worse still, they often actively encourage me to "keep looking around" for available men, when my partner and I have been together well over 2 years. The extra pressure sucks and I find it really disrespectful; I am in my mid 20s, I am hardly a lovestruck teenager. As I said before, my partner loves me so much its scary, and after the trauma I endured with my abusive ex for almost 2 years, gradually he has put me back together so that I don't feel as broken anymore. I don't want to lose him, period. Health wise, except for being overweight, he is healthier than I am; normal cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure, etc, which I also thinks makes him unwilling to change. Looking back, being told I have dangerously high cholesterol is the best thing that has happened to me, as it has given me the kick up the backside I needed to start looking after myself. Basically, if my levels do not go down drastically, I am at a significant risk of having a heart attack. I don't want that to happen, so I am looking after myself. I hope my partner comes around. What small steps would you suggest I start with? He is pretty sporadic with his soft drink consumption, he sort of binges on it? I want to have a serious conversation with him, and I need a place to start, so if you have any ideas, please let me know? Thanks again Tootsieroll.
Location: from Houston, TX—now in Maryland (Washington DC area)
Posts: 1,167
S/C/G: 351/267/140
Height: 5'3"
Well, since we seem to be having a bit of a gloomy day here—not to detract in the least, caldawg, from the seriousness of the issues you're facing—I may as well admit that I'm not doing so well either. My walking adventures of a couple of days before have given me lower back pain that just will not quit, which makes it well-nigh impossible to sit up at a table and work on the collage I have rattling around in my head. I'm extremely frustrated about that.
A few days ago I discovered, more or less invented, a new meditation technique that seems to be capable of reducing my leg pain quite a bit, when I can pull it off right, and Mike was very impressed by it when I demonstrated it in his presence yesterday. But no sooner did I mention it to Bob than he's been after me to pull a rabbit out of a hat and somehow go poof! and all my leg problems are over. =sigh=
Plus we're both upset about recent developments with our favorite college basketball team. It's dumb to care, perhaps, but we've been caring a whole lot about this team since the early 1980s, so it's too late to get apathetic all of a sudden.
Plus we've been waiting for weeks now for the installation of five new energy-efficient windows in our 1960s-era house. The windows are ready, but the installation keeps being postponed due to snow, flu, rain, you name it—one thing after another after another. It's a real pain in the butt because three rooms in our upstairs are in a state of havoc due to the need to have the areas in front of the windows clear, and the hallway is partially blocked with piles of stuff that had to be moved out of those rooms, which means I can't use my wheelchair to get to my studio. The installation itself, now rescheduled for Friday, is going to be an ordeal when it happens, because Bob and I are private people and get miserable when outsiders are in or around our house. Plus we'll have to coop up the cats in our bedroom, because, like all purebred oriental shorthairs, they're absolutely indoor-only cats, and we can't risk one of them darting out through a casually open outside door, just out of curiosity. Not to mention all the labor that will be involved in restoring our upstairs to normality after the window installation is done... bleah...
And then, just now, to put the icing on the cake of Bob's and my surly mood, one of the cats just jumped up on a platform where we had a long beloved folk-art pottery sculpture, knocking the sculpture down and smashing it to smithereens. We've had the sculpture through two previous pairs of orientals without its ever being at risk, and it was well-anchored to a wooden base, but Oscar and Nénu are much more oriented toward jumping and climbing than our previous pairs, often up to the ceiling. We didn't see what exactly happened, just heard a big crash... and that was that. The two of us are sitting right now in the room where it happened, so shocked at the huge gap where that lovely sculpture used to be, we can hardly bear it. Damn damn damn damn... it's a big loss. We're in acute grief.
If I could just make the collage, I could probably pull myself out of this nose dive, but my back, which hasn't had to support me for walking since a whole year ago, is really weak and acutely miserable. So f**k.... never mind... there will be something positive around the next bend, but I sure can't see it right now.
Donna, I'm not exactly sure how vitamin C works to help the lungs function, but It helps to boost immunity to colds and other infections. I have asthma and COPD from having smoked for too many years. When I get a cold it inevitably ends up in my chest and I end up on Prednisone (a steroid). Since taking Vitamin C I have noticed that my colds are less severe and breathing is easier. I read recently that magnesium can help as well. I need to explore that more. There is a lot of information online regarding lung health and Vitamin C. My doctor told me it could help, and it seems to.
Sam, I didn't really want to leave my job either, but it was eliminated (makes me feel so important lol). It's one thing I really dislike about working for a large company. Decisions are made by people in other states that have no idea what goes on in the office they are making decisions about. You're doing great with your weight loss. Don't get discouraged about it. It will come off. I think the less you have to lose the slower that loss will be, but you'll get there.
Caldawg, I would let your fiance know that you love him but you're worried about him and his health. You can never force anyone to change, but you can certainly try to help him make better choices, at least while he's home with you. Even small changes can make a difference. I think parents always feel that no one is good enough for their child, but this is your life, not theirs. Deep down I'm sure they just want you to be happy.
Betsy, good luck staying away from the sugar today.
Not much going on here today, but I wanted to pop in and say hi.
Thanks Tootsieroll. I think the biggest barrier to him losing weight is the fact that he works away from home for half a week. If he was living at home with me all the time, his diet wouldn't be an issue as he would eat what I eat. He also doesn't move enough. He is really self conscious, and we used to go to the same gym, but I left that gym and went to another one, as I wasn't happy with the service I was getting, and I wasn't losing weight there either, because their was no support. He still has a membership at the gym though. My parents really do my head in. No one is ever good enough for them. I have had a number of serious boyfriends who I have taken home to them and no one has been good enough. My parents aren't small people either, yet they still judge. Worse still, they often actively encourage me to "keep looking around" for available men, when my partner and I have been together well over 2 years. The extra pressure sucks and I find it really disrespectful; I am in my mid 20s, I am hardly a lovestruck teenager. As I said before, my partner loves me so much its scary, and after the trauma I endured with my abusive ex for almost 2 years, gradually he has put me back together so that I don't feel as broken anymore. I don't want to lose him, period. Health wise, except for being overweight, he is healthier than I am; normal cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure, etc, which I also thinks makes him unwilling to change. Looking back, being told I have dangerously high cholesterol is the best thing that has happened to me, as it has given me the kick up the backside I needed to start looking after myself. Basically, if my levels do not go down drastically, I am at a significant risk of having a heart attack. I don't want that to happen, so I am looking after myself. I hope my partner comes around. What small steps would you suggest I start with? He is pretty sporadic with his soft drink consumption, he sort of binges on it? I want to have a serious conversation with him, and I need a place to start, so if you have any ideas, please let me know? Thanks again Tootsieroll.
I like gyms in a way-the weight lifting, but at one point in my life, I was basicially living there-missing my spouse and family-between lifting weights and cardio. So I found Leslie Sansone's Walk At Home Videos. You can do them at home, in hotels, basically whereever floats your boat. You can modify them any way you want without feeling self conscious. Noone is there to watch you. Example: You can't do the arm movements, fine... just don't do them. Can't do a full mile? Get to the 1/2 mile point, then turn it off-try again next time.
As for the sodas... I really just did what I said. Cut one, replace with water. Wait a few days to a week and repeat, until you are down to a reasonable amount. They have flavored sugar free waters that are fairly good if water isn't something that he particularly likes. I found that ice water does the trick for me though. I didn't think that I'd ever be able to drink plain water.
Since he travels-he can make wiser food choices-choose a salad. Make sure that he goes easy on the dressing, though. Many people put more than they realize. 2 tbsp is like 120 calories if you're using ranch. If he can't, set aside half of the food for later. That way one meal feeds him twice in a day. I've been known to order kids' meals instead of adult meals from fast food restaurants. What are they going to do? Tell?
Last edited by tootsieroll81; 02-24-2016 at 06:22 PM.
Checking in..Its late and its been a very busy hectic week so far. There has been many meetings regarding the ongoing family crisis that ive been helping to navigate my friend and her family through. Early early mornings starting at 4 am with the kids waking up..then its breaky and off to take them to school. Then i go home to my house and i sleep for an hour and then i get up and go for a swim and then if its like today..i go out to different meetings at different government offices, trying to gather as much information for my friend regarding options and resources for keeping her family together and in town at the same time, looking for a creative solution to the single parenting dilemna. Then its grocery shopping and then home and then making and eating breakfast and then packing my lunch, dinner and evening snack before heading out to pick up the kids from school, to bring them back home, to give them snack, send them outside to play and then make dinner when they come inside. Then its lunch making time for the next day and dishes followed by story reading and bed time(somtimes showers first for all 3) Then when they go to bed, i proceed to sit and listen to my friend as she verbally processes everything from the day and looks to me for possible solutions. Then i have to drag out the mattress in the living room, set up my bed and sleep over to ensure the safety of her and her kids from the husband(he still has a house key). This has been my life since last Friday.
We have made some good progress. I talked to a social worker privately the other day and stressed my concern over her thinking she can cope and raise three kids while having severe cerebral palsy and mobility issues. I asked the social worker for all the possible options in making sure her kids are safe. Later that night, a team of us met with her and stressed the fact that none of us can continue the schedule that we have come up with for this week. Its just going to end up in burning us all out. It was a temporary game plan and now its time to look at longer term options for her kids since this court issue can continue for several months. We basically ad an intervention and told her that the reality is, she can not single parent or cope on her own and we need to find a better more permanent solution. I presented the options and later that night when everyone had left and it was just me and her, she decided that temporarily leaving and moving off the island and taking her kids to live with her mother and sister would be the best plan until the first court date. For a longer term plan, i suggested that she get a nanny. The government subsidizes child care so they can help out that way and when we max out on available funding or reach an available funding, she has decided to tell the husband "get your crap together and get a job that will pay for someone to take care of our kids so we can live here OR we are leaving and moving in with my mother off the island". So..my friend has decided she feels that is the best option right now. She believes that he should be able to show proof in the next 3 weeks that he can get a job and hold one down and be responsible and go to counselling for himself and get help from a professional psychiatrist. If he isnt willing to do that..she is going to file for divorce and full custody of the children.
Meanwhile we learned 2 interesting things.. His mother phoned the house asking for him..which means he hasnt told his parents what has happend. Why be secretive with your family?? We also learned that he has agreed to go to counselling for himself and couples counselling and he wants to see his kids. My friend is concerned that he doesnt really want to do counselling because why would you continue to hide information. Sh thinks he isnt ready to go to counselling yet as a couple. However she has decided to be nice enough to go to a counsellor so she can a) let him know she cares and is hoping for the best outcome and 2) that she isnt taking the kids away from him, she is making a temporary change of location while they wait to hear what will happen at the court date.
To add to all of this... The kids have been very candid at the dinner table about Daddy being not here and how they saw everything including daddy hurting mommy. The 5 year old is taking it the hardest. He is having emotional meltdowns and the oldest is refusing to talk. He is silent. The youngest who is 2 is super clingy. So..i started bringing my trained labrador puppy every afternoon so they can play. They love the puppy and look forward to it. It is somthing positive for them and it makes them smile and laugh. I also ask my husband to come visit every evening for dinner and bedtime stories. The kids have been missing that father figure in their life and they have been quite clingy to my husband, wanting to cuddle and curl up and play with him and talk to him openly about what they see and feel. So i think its a positive thing for them. We were able to contact the family counsellor in town and get the kids to go and talk to him so that was good..
(Sigh) Its been a loooooong week so far and im greatful that a) its saturday soon and her mom comes which meansi t have to be here anymore in less i want to and 2) that i never had 3 kids. Its waaaaay too much work for me.
Anyway... Sorry for not keeping in touch..just too busy. I hope you all are well. Take care my friends.
PS- still rocking this woe. Havent slipped yet..its now been over 2 months. Just cant weigh myself all week. Lets hope for good numbers on sunday.
In spite of the beautiful day outside, I'm in a mood and a half.......except for Cindy, I think I'll fit right in. What's my big trauma? I was rummaging in the freezer yesterday trying to find the chicken breasts and I took a frozen ham out, and promptly dropped it on my foot. Hurts like the dickens. On the positive side, not bad compared to what some of us are going through so I'll count my blessings that there are no broken bones.
Calda -- You have a strong bond with your boyfriend, and he sounds like he's a great guy. As we all know, no one can make us lose weight -- we have to do it for ourselves. But with that said, it's fair to tell him that you're worried about him and want to know what you can do to help. Several good suggestions on ways to remain on plan while gone during the week. Hope that some of them work.
Fi -- Do you get the feeling that you are living under a little black cloud that just won't entirely go away?! I hadn't thought about the onset of the back issues, but those muscles are probably screaming some sort of obscenity at you for daring to use your legs again. Losing artwork to our pets is always depressing because their normal modus operndi is to bring us nothing but joy. And getting work done on the house -- ugh. So I'd say that you have every reason to feel like you're in a world of gray.
Porthardygurl -- I'm exhausted just reading about what you're doing, and I doubt if your friend will ever truly understand how lucky she is to have you in her life. I'm glad that you are taking the necessary steps to make sure that there is a resolution to this as I'm sure she'd be happy to have you take care of everything for the duration. Not out of a meanness of spirit, but more out of a lifetime of needing help and getting it. You are a good soul.
Tootsie -- Hi there. Hope you're doing well.
Cindy -- Glad you popped in. Not much going on here either, but somehow it feels connected to at least read all the posts.
Donna -- What new and exciting thing are you up to?
Guess I'd better get going. Since my foot hurts so much, I'm not doing the gym today but am hoping I'll make tremendous progress on the photo album project. I'm tired of this and want it to be done!
Hello lovely ladies!
Port...what an amazing friend you are. I hope your friend realises how blessed she is. Try to rest when you can.
Betsy....This week has been extremely busy! I started the training for an organisation that works with families with young children. Although it will be as a volunteer initially, I am hoping to find work in this area in the future. So that was 2 days 9.30-1.15 and will last 5 weeks. I also started a dance based exercise class today. It was hard going on my poor old knees but I enjoyed and managed the whole class. I then went swimming which eased the knees alot!
Fi.......I am so sorry that your back is painful. It seems such a shame with your progress with your walking. Hopefully it will just a temporary thing and you can get back to your walking ....and driving!
This week has been ridiculously busy.....and tomorrow is also likely to be busy. I had booked myself on to a Psychology course on Saturday but I am thinking of giving it a miss and having a rest!!!
Take care everybody,
Donna
Cal If you don't have the conversation about his weight with him and you ultimately decide to just leave him high and dry without even giving him a chance it's pretty selfish. I'm not trying to be mean or upset you, but think about it the other way around if you were in his shoes and someone decided that they didn't want to be with you because of your weight and lack of drive to do anything about it. How hurt would you be? Some people never care about their weight, or are happy with their size. Not sure if he was big when you began your courtship but there was obviously something that drew you near him to start dating him in the first place. The best thing you can do is talk to him about your experience with losing weight and getting healthy for yourself and how much better you are feeling. Tell him that you want the both of you to be around for a long time and that is part of the reason that you have started your journey, and that maybe this is something you guys can experience together. My husband is overweight...I have ALWAYS been bigger than him, and if he decided to leave me at the drop of a hat when I was at my heaviest I would have been heart broken. Honestly after that I would have probably not wanted to be in another relationship again. My situation is different because we have been together for 13 years and at my heaviest was just a couple of years ago, but even before that I would have smashed into a million pieces that someone would leave me just because of my weight. I know this is rough for you, but the conversation has to happen or else you are doomed to ruin your relationship before it's even started and it seems you really care for the guy so I think you'll do the right thing. He has to know how much his worth is to you even if he is over weight and has health problems. That doesn't define his character...and if he's going to do something about it he won't be able to do it alone. As for your parents and coming with the same experience...Don't listen to a damn word they say. They aren't the ones that have to live your life, you do and their opinion shouldn't matter if you are happy.
Fi Sorry to hear about the sculpture...it sounded like a pretty prized piece at your house. I hate having people that don't belong in my house either....When maintenance comes around here unannounced I cringe. I hope your back feels better soon but a so proud of your progress!
Cindy Hope you find another job soon. Thank you for your kindness...I'll get there even if it takes another 2 years
Port You are a great friend. You have gone above and beyond what you needed to in order to make sure her kids are safe and that they have a chance at a normal life. I think it's a good start that her husband is at least trying. As far as him not telling his family maybe he doesn't have that kind of relationship with them. Truthfully I don't tell my family anything other than the normal every day stuff because they are so critical and judgmental about every little thing. And if you tell one family member in confidence the whole damn family knows so I never talk about my personal business with anyone. I hope these kids are ok and get their own help...Talking to someone may help and that's a good start. You are AMAZING I just wanted you to know.
Didn't post yesterday due to the crazy weather and them not knowing what was going to happen. I didn't want my computer plugged in just in case and it was DH's birthday. I didn't have the money to buy him a present but I told him we could have anything he wanted for dinner and whatever he wanted for dessert. He chose chinese takeaway and my BIL decided to pay for it for all of us which I thought was really nice. He wanted brownies with ice cream and hot fudge so I took care of that and made the brownies for him. It was all really good and worth the cheat. I'm back 100% today so I'm hoping that doesn't hinder my weigh in this week. Officially done with TOM and time to start counting my days again. I'm trying to track my ovulation days and my cycles as much as possible. We haven't decided to start trying yet but want to at least get a feel of where I am each month so maybe when it's time to try for a babe I'll have an idea of things...Plus my doctor may want to know some of this information when I go see her next month.
Other than that everything has been the same. Just finished my workout....Gotta go take care of the kitties food and poop boxes and eat dinner...and don't forget a shower!!! Night ladies
Location: from Houston, TX—now in Maryland (Washington DC area)
Posts: 1,167
S/C/G: 351/267/140
Height: 5'3"
Betsy— Oooo I'm feelin' for your poor foot! Strangely enough, I've had two other friends who did the same thing—dropped a frozen roast/ham/turkey on their foot. Apparently one should put on steel-toed work boots before handling such items! I'll be sending my best pain-soothing vibes in your direction, at least during the periods of the day when I don't need them myself for my legs & back. =laugh= You're quite right about our pets usually bringing us nothing but joy: Oscar and Nénu are in my lap now as I'm tapping away here on my iPad—purring up a storm, all sweet & warm. The folk-art sculpture just maybe will do a Lazarus number. I couldn't bear to look at it, but Bob carried the pieces down to his shop, and he says the damage isn't as bad as I thought. He is such a pro at glueing broken objects back together so you can't see the cracks or anything, I swear he could make money doing it. One time, for example, he flawlessly assembled the many puzzle pieces of a valuable Chinese bowl of my mother's that my sister's boys, small & boisterous, had knocked over. He finds it a soothing, satisfying activity. So we shall see... Porthardygurl— Excellent job of calling for reinforcements and coming up with creative solutions! I am so relieved... Donna— Dancing, huh? Jeez, I'm green with envy, even factoring in the balky knees. The only kind of dancing I can do right now is either from the waist up while sitting, or lying on my back waving my legs around in the air. But I'm seriously addicted to rock-n-roll, so I'm doin' both of those nearly every day, believe me. But you go girl! How are those pregnant ewes comin' along? Tootsie— Good for you on clearing those sodas out of your life! I did something similar about a year and a half ago, except in my case it was aspartame-sweetened diet sodas—which are supposed to jack up your insulin almost as bad as the sugar ones do. It was a major deal for me, because I'd been getting almost all my daily fluids in the form of diet soda (especially Diet Coke—for many, many years) since the mid-1960s, when they were sweetened w/ cyclamates. (None of the followup sweeteners have ever been as good as cyclamates were. =sigh=) I'm like you in that I can't drink plain water. My stomach has been accommodated to bubbles for SO many decades, plain water, even ice water, gives me a stomach ache. Isn't that ridiculous? I'm a baby boomer through & through. So I weaned myself off onto bottles of unsweetened lemon-lime seltzer. That was a more difficult accomplishment than losing 92 pounds has been! But I'm cool with it now, and never even think about diet soda anymore. The end of an era...
Well, I'm in a pretty good mood tonight because I had a really great session with Mike—one of the rare ones that are 100% talk. (I adore conversation, if you hadn't guessed already from the length of my postings.) Chinese medicine is truly, truly WEIRD! I have lots to learn about reservoirs and flow patterns of light and energy in the human body. Did I say light? Yup, I sure did. It's astonishing to me, as a retired doctor in the full-fledged Western model, how much of an effect light can have on learning how to walk again. If I tried to explain it to you, you'd think I had totally lost my mind! So I won't. =laugh=
Sorry im still not posting personals. Life continues to be hectic and i continue to parent three beautiful but difficult children. Its hard to find time to rest but at least im still capable of taking an hour every second day when the kids are in school, to go to the pool and swim laps. At least its a stress release. Only 2 more days of this round the clock care for the children and then grandma arrives to help out and sleep over. Im feeling relief about that at least a little because it will give me a chance to recoup. I must admit today i held my tounge. The mom(my friend) snapped at me because she was exhausted and wanted a break. For the first time in 6 years she has finally had a wake up call as to how much work is involved in raising three kids. You know..her husband(also my friend even prior to marriage) snapped from a combination of un-dealt with mental health issues and stress. I can understand the stress thing. She expects him to care for the children 24/7. Yes she has a disability but at the same time i know she is more than capable of doing simple tasks like dishes and cooking. She uses her disability to hide behind so she doesnt have to make an effort. He hasnt had a break in 6 years. Thats not an understatement. He has NEVER had a physical vacation or break since the children were born. I know it sounds harsh and trust me..i have empathy for her..but at the same time i know she can do a lot more then what she is doing. So..her husband not being there is giving her a real reality check.
Anyway...sorry for venting...just need to breathe out some stress.
Thanks SamIAm, I wouldn't leave him just because he was overweight, that would be crazy! I do love him more than anything, I'm just worried about him, I want to have a family with him, and I want to grow old with him, I am just worried if things keep going the way they are with his health, it wont happen. I will try to talk to him, but I am worried about how he will take it, because like you said, if someone had to have that discussion with me, I would be humiliated and sad. He really wants bariatric surgery, but he cant afford it.
I am not having thoughts of leaving him or anything, I am just worried. As for my parents, they can be really cruel. I know they want what is best for me, but they say some really hurtful things, and if they judged me on whether I was a catch or not based on my weight, I would die a spinster, because I am not an oil painting either!
Last edited by caldawg89; 02-26-2016 at 02:57 AM.
Reason: Forgot a comment
