[ubergirl]

Hi Guys!

Sorry, don't know what my problem is... I wrote another long post with personals yesterday and then never quite finished and posted. Hope you all will bear with me as I talk about me, myself, and I for a few minutes. I promise I'll come back and read and write more later, but this is a borderline emergency-- I'm struggling a bit and need to rein it in.

I have entered a toxic miasma of factors that tend to send Uber off track.

1. Scale showed me 247.8 for part of a day about a week again, but I spent the rest of the week stuck at 248, then bounced to 249 (and this morning 250 ugh!)
I KNOW I have to be patient, especially if I want to be a bit looser with my calories, but getting stuck for long periods of time makes me start to doubt everything. But for the last few days I'm see increasing pre-binge type behaviors in myself.

2. Yesterday, I had this totally dumb and weird triggering incident. (reminds me of Laurie crying when someone ate her pizza slice.) I made chicken curry salad for dinner on friday night. Friday wasn't a great day-- it was okay, calorie-wise, but I was doing dumb stuff like nibbling little bits... not quite enough to have a big effect on overall calories, but enough to make me feel mildly out-of-control. So I vowed to do better yesterday, but at lunch, I was really hungry. Decided to eat the leftover chicken curry salad. There was enough for one good serving-- but then my mom came into the kitchen wanting lunch-- she is legally blind, and so she often wants to eat what I'm eating because it's easier for her. She can make herself a sandwich, but she always seems to worry that maybe I've come up with something tastier than what she's having, so I offer to share the chicken salad with her-- and she says yes. Problem was, there really wasn't quite enough for two servings, so I split it with her in such a way that she ends up with the lion's share of the chicken and I end up with the raisins nuts and celery that had settled at the bottom of the bowl. I had a pretty good idea of how many calories where was in a single serving of the chicken salad, but I had no idea really how many calories were left in the dregs at the bottom of the bowl. So, that's usually not a good scenario for me-- I don't like to change plans in the middle of a meal. It's a scenario that tends to lead to overeating. So after eating the raisins, cashews, and celery, of course, I was still hungry, so I fixed myself a second bowl of lunch-- this time it was turkey, avocado, and tomato. So, here's the problem... by now, starvation panic mode had set in. Sometimes, I get this irrational fear that I'm no so hungry and so deprived that I am going to have to eat vast quantities of food just to calm the feeling down-- I KNOW that it is totally irrational, but this is something that happens to me sometimes. I am afraid that once I start eating I won't stop. So I eat the second lunch, and overall, I'd say my lunch calories were probably ok... then, I made pasta salad for dinner, and instead of having one helping I had two.... but then, before bed, I ate two sugar free popsicles, and still unsatisfied, I had a bowl full of raisins and cashews...
When I added up my calories for yesterday, I was in the 1600 range, so obviously not enough to really do damage, but I'm kind of scared... this is the exact pattern where I tend to go off. First I nibble on "legal things" little tiny bits of stuff that won't throw off my overall calorie count, then, I start "bingeing" a little bit, eating raisins and cashews that were unplanned and didn't need at night when I normally don't eat at all. Very often, this starts to escalate to the point where I'm completely off track. Why oh why do we crave sometimes and manage just fine at others? I wish I knew.

So, here is what I'm planning to do.

1. I'm going to stop eating between meals at all, even if it's just one bite and try to stick to this for 3 days.

2. I'm going to act as if yesterday never happened and that I'm normally on plan.

3. I'm going to be a little bit stricter with my calories... being "flexible" about my food choices is good, but I also really need to see the scale move right now.

Thanks for listening!!!

I'm thinking back on my nuts and cashews mini-binge last night... I said to myself, "Ok, uber, if you REALLY want to eat those, just go ahead and eat them, but don't get all weird about it...just eat it, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a make or break situation..." So, I guess that is an okay approach, and on the bright side, I did not eat the whole bag of cashews. But the better approach would be if I could simply get my mind to understand that it's the hooker talking... crooning her seductive "eat, eat, eat" song that I don't have to listen to.

I'm also trying to figure out what on earth is bothering me? If this is a particularly stressful time for me, it's really hard for me to figure out why? Or was it simply the insecurity of not seeing the scale move?

Onward!

[martini]

Hey Uber. What's up? It sounds like you're having a rough weekend.

You sound really anxious. You've been stressed about the scale for a while, but the anxiety seems to grow the lower the number gets. I've seen this in myself and maybe it applies to you as well. Is there a number that you're freaked out by? The thing about losing weight is that it forces us to deal with a lot of fat identity issues - how we define ourselves, how others define us, our level of comfort with the world. The lower the number got, the more vulnerable I felt. The more vulnerable I felt, the more I wanted to just shut the whole thing down and get back to the fat me I felt more comfortable with.

The other thing with focusing on the scale is that the behaviors get lost behind the numbers. It's taken a lot of years for me to simply understand that I do a lot better with predictability and regularity in my eating. I usually plan my meals the night before so dealing with food is a non-issue. I feel fine making changes, but that plan gives me a rough outline that solidifies me.

When I'm focused on my numbers more than I am how it is that I'm eating, my sanity goes out the window pretty quickly. I make compromises that undermine my own well being for the sake of trying to feel or appear "normal" when my relationship with food is anything but. I know I sound like a cold-hearted b**** to suggest letting your poor, blind mother suck it up and eat something different, but not taking your own food needs seriously may have been a part of this spin.

Are there things about what and how you eat that are non-negotiable? You can look at those boundaries as punitive acts (I won't eat nuts!! I'll only have three meals a day!!) or gestures of love and respect (as much as I love nuts, I can't handle them right now!! planning three meals gives me some stability that I really need!!). It sounds like you do better with some foods and in some situations than others. That stuff is really important and, in my mind, should be taken just as seriously as medication or therapy. There are some things that simply cannot be negotiated and what you need to keep yourself sane with food is one of them I think.

All this is to say that you're not alone. I read everything you're doing as simply trying to figure out how to live a life that better gives you what you want and need. It very much reminds me of a dwarf hamster I once had in his hamster ball. He'd roll in one direction, hit a wall, regroup, and then head off in another direction until he hit the next wall. It seems that the scale and sharing of your chicken curry salad was simply a wall that is teaching you something that you can then use when you roll off in the next direction.

[And if the chicken curry salad was from Whole Foods I know exactly what you're talking about. That stuff is like crack. Giving away the last portion would have made me insane.]

[ubergirl]

Martini Thank you so much for taking the time to answer (and for the virtual hug...) I read it 3x. So much wisdom there and it got me thinking.

1. No the chicken curry wasn't from Whole Foods, but home made, and still delicious.

2. I don't think that I get more anxious as the scale goes lower-- my memory of maintaining below 200 for two years is quite fresh in my mind-- but I do know that yesterday afternoon I caught sight of my reflection and thought I looked fat, and that for the past few days I've been "feeling fat". Sometimes I can actually experience "feeling thinner" like I notice that my clothes are looser, but when I'm feeling fat, it's like I no longer really believe that I've actually lost weight-- it seems like an illusion or a trick. Weighing 250 felt pretty darn great when I hit it two weeks ago, but now, it's back to normal aka fat. If I don't see progress on the scale, I get more and more vulnerable to all of my weird and whacked out thinking about how my body actually works.

2. You're right. I shouldn't have given the food to my mom, and what's more, I'm definitely having a problem with giving too much to too many people all the time, which is something that I'm working on. And that "oh no, I might starve to death, or accidentally eat every foodstuff available on planet earth" is definitely something that has historical precedents in my food relationship with my mom-- so it really doesn't matter that both of us are way to old to have those kinds of issues, it still seems to be a latent trigger.

3. I'm really taking to heart what you said about whether I'm setting boundaries as a way to love myself or whether it feels punitive. You are definitely pointing out something really important! I'm trying to develop a way of dealing with food that makes it okay for me to say precisely what I want, and to choose well because I WANT that, not because I feel that it is being imposed upon me. I have a tendency to punish myself about just about everything-- and food is a prime example...

4. I've tried not weighing a lot, and I've tried weighing all the time, and I've found that weighing all the time seems to reduce my anxiety about it... on the other hand, I've GOT to get over this idea that somehow I should be able to lose faster than I actually am losing and that if I were doing a better job that I would be losing faster. I've got to REALLY AND TRULY believe that I'm just going to eat in a better way and let the weight loss chips fall where they may. (for the record, right now, I can say that but I definitely don't really believe it-- what I WANT is to hop on an express train to the land of skinny, see the diet landscape whizzing by while I'm immersed in my book, and suddenly hear the stationmaster saying "you've arrived in skinny land..." Which in my mind, looks as bright and pretty as Oz but has lots of great clothing stores, full of outfits that I can easily afford and that look perfect on me....)

Since I took the vow not to eat anything outside of meals, I've eaten a peach and half a granola bar. Still doing ok on calories. I am going to work on making a more concrete food plan for each day. I DO find it helps if I decide in the morning what I'm planning to eat that day-- but I don't employ that strategy on a regular basis.

[martini]

I'm also doing that thing with feeling fat despite what the scale says. I'm going through an oat bran phase and was feeling bloated and like I was in the 280s. Then I stepped on the scale and saw I hadn't gained an ounce.

Were you an overachiever in school? I'm wondering because you seem to be putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself, but I don't get the sense that anyone else in your life is watching or keeping track. That can get super messed up because it means that no matter what you do or how you succeed, you're still wrong.

I also do that thing with fear of starvation. When I was in the 340s - and I'm guessing that was my weight because I hadn't seen anything beyond Err on my scale - I'd justify 2,000 calorie breakfasts by saying that I needed the food. Nobody needs 2,000 calories for breakfast except maybe professional athletes. Needless to say I'm not a professional athlete.

I absolutely see that you punish yourself. I do it to myself and I've seen lots of other women on this board do it to themselves as well. Maybe that's why all the support we're finding feels like such a tall, cool glass of water. I don't have the sense that any of us find that kind of love and acceptance in the worlds we live in on a daily basis (let alone in our own heads).

I spent years going to Al-Anon meetings to deal with friends/family with drug and alcohol abuse issues. One of the things that I remember most was this saying they had: let us love you until you can love yourself. I can see you're being super hard on yourself and that's fine. You've got to do your thing. But I'm also glad you're posting and letting yourself be loved and supported at a time when it seems like you could sure use the boost.

[jenjenangel027]

Uber...I feel you so much!

I have sat here all day after reading Martini's and your post.

I am struggling too! I think mine has really been when I get my episodes with this pain and fatigue. I have had people tell me all my life it was in my head and now that I know it's not then having to go through getting rediangnosed has really screwed with me. I have been really destructive this weekend I don't think I have gone too far calorie but the foods I have chosen are not good for me physically or mentally! I give myself one meal to have what I want not a whole dang weekend!

1. I feel disgusting!!!!!
2. My body hurts worse!
3. Now here comes the hooker in my head telling me I can't!
4. It's harder to get motivated back!
5. Kicking myself!

What have I learned? What I tell everyone else. I need to get back on it and focus on my main goal. My main goal is to be healthy. My main goal is to get there whatever it takes it may not be the fastest but I will get there. I need to stop kicking myself when I get frustrated with the scale ( I know I still will because it sucks) I am hoping on the hopeful horse again and kicking that HOOKER to the dang garbage can...and guess what tomorrow is garbage day!

Although I still have doubt I am going to stick to what I do best and quit feeling sorry for myself...I am also going to walk tomorrow even if I am hurting and tired...I am tired of letting this fatigue and pain conquer me!

[MissLoud]

Ubergirl im so sorry you're having a hard time at the moment, I don't think I can add anything more insightful than what martini has written, except vent away! Personally getting it written down helps me see everything alot more clearly. I guess because we all have lost and regained weight we know all to well what its like to fall off the wagon, its a scary out of control place to be. All we can do is dust ourselves off an jump back on again

Speaking of getting back on the wagon .... fell off a bit myself this weekend, a party and my sons birthday set me up for no loss this week, I stayed exactly the same oh well. So this week I'm going back to recording everything I eat (not just guestimate!) I hate doing it cos it feels like homework but needs to be done to keep myself accountable.

[lulu78]

It seems like this weekend was a hard one for some of us I did fine today but yesterday, man oh man, don't remember the last time I pigged out like that. Italian for lunch and Mexican for dinner. Not happy with myself but I can't this one day ruin it. Not stepping on a scale till next weekend, don't want to see a higher number than 195.

[garnetrising]

Just a quick update. I do want to go through and do personals. I've got so much to catch up on. I hadn't realized how long at had been since I'd really sat down until I went to check my email and had over 30 messages.

Before I say anything about me -
Love the new haircut, Mandy.

Uber, I'm so sorry about how stressful the weekend has been for you.

Welcome to all the new people! And for the non-new people, you're all awesome, strong, and I am - as always - so very proud of you all.


Weight was 197-198 today. I realize this means it'll probably be the first week I don't see any changes, but I am fine with that.

So, got an email from the ex about a week ago saying he wasn't going to sign the papers because he'd have to come here to file them and that it'll be going into default anyway. I finally sat down and replied. I told him to sign them, notarize them, and send them to me and that I'd drop them off. The worst that'll happen is the clerk will tell me they can't accept them and I have to proceed with default anyway. I also pointed out that while it'll go to default, it could still take up to a year after the motion for default is filed for the court to approve it. I don't want to be legally married to him for another year!

Will got started on his meds on Monday. I went out to see him today and he's much improved. He was at a point when I saw him two weeks ago that all he wanted to do was stand at the fence with his head over my shoulder. He was still as lovey as ever today, but he called to me with actual strength in his voice when I climbed into the pasture vs a weak sort of neigh he'd had. After letting me love on him, he even ran off and played his chase me game. I'm so happy to see him feeling better.

The two jobs are going really good. There are times I feel tired and days that it shows on my face but I'm really doing well. I love the people at Verizon, just like I love my co-workers at Home Depot. I can't wait until I finish all the tests and am finally commission qualified and can start helping customers. It'll be so exciting!! Additionally, I got my shirts and name tag on Friday. I felt so official!

As for the coffee date that was scheduled for this morning, J canceled it... He canceled it in favor of getting together last night. Not sure I'd really say we had a dinner date; we went to a Sherri's diner and shared an appetizer sampler... well, we didn't eat it all, lol. We stayed there and talked for about an hour and a half and then we ended up sitting in the parking lot where he'd met up - Starbucks by his house - and talked and listened to music for about another hour. All in all, I got to spend something like 3-3.5 hours with him. It was fantastic. <3 When you get him talking about things that he's passionate about, he gets this giddy, excited, little-kid look on his face that is absolutely adorable. We seem to have so much in common, its kind of weird, funny, and awesome all at the same time. I will say this, we were talking earlier this week about how cultural differences between the Greeks and the Romans influenced the portrayal of gods who are exactly the same deities (as much as I love the Romans, having taken 7 years of Latin, they stole them... just like Constantine would later commandeer Christianity and form the Roman Catholic church). Anyway... he was throwing out statements like this:

[...] my point was understanding the conceptual errors in understanding mythology by the layperson can be shown to have causal roots in the period in which the lore was conceived.

It lead me to informing him that "I love that I can talk about that sort of thing and actually have someone not only understand but be as equally engaged and intrigued by the discussion as I am." It's true. It's a rare thing for me to find someone who actually cares about that sort of thing let alone is willing to discuss it on a philosophical sort of level. It makes me happy to be able to have intelligent conversations with someone who actually knows what I'm talking about for a change.

[LaurieDawn]

Good morning, all!

Uber - I feel so bad that I chose yesterday to not even really check in when you were clearly struggling. So glad Martini was there for you, and gave you such fantastic advice. First, I loved that you said, "really dumb and weird triggering incident that reminded me of Laurie." I have weird food issues. I have accepted it and I have declared it. My husband thinks I should just "get over it," but he also thinks I should just ignore my depression symptoms. You know what? I can't. I have accepted that both my food issues and my depression issues are part of who I am. I can deny it, and then feel like a failure because I don't think I should be having these issues, and I am. Or I can figure out ways to deal with it.

I think it's part of the self-sacrificing thing I do far too much. There are days when I feel like I just want to shrink into myself completely, as though I somehow don't deserve to take up space on this earth. I can see myself sharing my food, regretting it, and then trying to find something to fill up the hole that the missing food left. But you and Martini is exactly right here. (And here's my shot at pop psychology.) It's not that the curry was irreplaceable. It's that when you planned to eat the curry, you were taking care of yourself and acknowledging your right to do so. The curry meant more to you than it did to your mother, and yet, you gave it to her. Martini is right (again). And I have heard you say it many times. This journey is not meant to be punitive. We don't eat this way because we deserve to be punished because we are fat. We eat this way because we deserve the best, and delicious, healthy curry that allows us to accomplish the goals that make us look and feel better is something that we deserve. Especially because you planned for it, you made the curry so that you could enjoy it, and it didn't mean that much to your mom.

I am going on and on, and I don't feel like I'm really hitting it. I struggle just like you. And I am so glad you came on here to post about it. White knuckle days can be fantastic for getting back to plan. This is just a blip in the road, of which there have been many and will be many. We're here. You're a seasoned pro at this. Let's get you back on track, and do it together. And if your two scales have taught you anything, it's that the scale is simply not the most reliable indicator of progress. You are awesome.

203.2 today. Not back to where I was last week before my pizza/Oreo incident, but I also know that I tend to hold for a bit before dropping, and by this time, I think I am actually wise enough to recognize that the world is not punishing me for a single evening's worth of indiscretion. And I am still feeling fantastic physically. I ran 3 miles in 40 minutes yesterday, so I'm increasing my speed ever so slightly. I also finished up another 0.1 mile so I could officially do the 5K. And it wasn't as difficult as it has been in the past. Plus - I can totally do real push-ups now. I'll get under 200 eventually. Until then, I am fancying myself something of an athlete. ;-)

Going to try to sneak away from work twice today -- once to get my nails done for my job interview tomorrow, and once to hit the gym, so I'm going to make this short so I can still get everything done that needs to get done. But I read everything everyone wrote, and will reply to it tomorrow. You guys are the best!

[ubergirl]

Well, I survived the weekend, if not in the best way possible.

Yesterday went ok until dinner time. My brother was coming over and my mom wanted us all to go out to dinner, but my brother took my dad out and they were late getting home, so we were in this weird order pizza/not order pizza mode. Eventually, I took just my family out for mexican. I decided to more-or-less eat whatever I wanted, and I felt like a bottomless pit AGAIN. Ate chile relleno, rice beans, and about a billion tortilla chips... i was still eating tortilla chips AFTER I cleaned my plate. Came home and attacked the jelly beans that I had been eating very occasionally just one... last night, I ate about 50 of them.

Woke up this morning and decided that I had to REALLY THINK about what was bothering me, and pretty soon I was crying hysterically. So, I think I have a new insight. I always think that "being worried about something" is when I'm constantly mulling it over in my mind, but actually, I think what I do is that I compartmentalize, and I just don't think about what's bothering me, and I think I'm totally calm, and then I think "I'm stuffing my face for no reason..."

So this morning, I wrote out a long list of every single thing I'm worried about. Then I started crying. Then I calmed down. So MAYBE this will help me more than eating jelly beans and tortilla chips.

I did not weigh in this morning. I'm going to give it a few days. Right now, recovering from this blip feels impossible, but I'm sure I CAN do it.

Jessica so glad that Will is doing better and also I love that you have found someone who seems to be an intellectual equal-- that is so important!

Laurie Thank you so much for understanding! I think you really hit the nail on the head about why giving the food to my mom bothered me so much! I mean, let's face it, I'm taking care of both my mom and my dad right now, and yet my mom, especially, always acts as if what I'm doing is really nothing special. Then add the layer that my mom has major food issues and the upset fat-shamed teenager still lurks inside me then it makes perfect sense that I would have gotten triggered when she wanted half my food-- because lurking inside that request was the assumption that HALF of whatever I want should be perfectly enough. Now, my mom can't see, but for most of my life, she would have said, "Oh, this is MORE THAN ENOUGH for me.... I'm absolutely STUFFED from eating this tiny little bite of food..." No wonder I panic-- because she would have been highly critical if after eating the dregs of the chicken salad I had eaten something else. It's really hard to overstate how crazy my mom is about food. She is constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY talking about how little she eats and how much everyone else eats.

Martini Academic overachiever, moi? I mean, how depressing is it that you can tell all the way from Asia that I'm way too hard on myself all the time about everything. Most likely because we are kindred spirits in that respect! I am so glad that you are doing so well right now. It definitely gives hope-- one or the other of us is usually struggling while several are percolating along...

Miss Loud I do hate writing down what I eat too, but I also do find that it absolutely helps me stay on track better...

Lulu you have a great attitude... no reason to let some Italian and some Mexican slow you down... onward!

Jenni ((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry about what you are going through! Being in pain is just the most difficult thing-- it just saps energy from everything else. I know that RA can be really hard when you have flare-ups, and with all of your kids to take care of you must really be dragging. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go easy on yourself right now until you start to feel better. Maybe just trying to maintain until your pain is under control would be better. Remember, as Laurie and Martini so eloquently said, that food and our choices should be something nurturing and comforting, not something that we are using to punish ourselves. You deserve to take care of yourself right now-- warm baths, rest, comfort foods (in reasonable portions) whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better.

Mandy Was so busy talking about myself that I didn't get a chance to comment on your gorgeous picture and great-looking hair, and most of all, how happy you look!

Toasted and Diane Hope you guys are doing well!

[FeraFilia]

Woke up this morning thinking "I don't care about calories, I feel like crap. I just want comfort food."

Which, incidentally, was how I was feeling yesterday, too... even though I made myself go to church and do the crop walk (though I did limit myself to the mile walk instead instead of the full walk). I didn't count calories yesterday, because we had lunch out with some folks from the church, did the crop walk, and had some home made goodies afterward.

I got home and all I ate from about 2pm until I went to bed was some peanuts I shelled, a fiber bar, a banana, and a corn dog. I was lazy and didn't feel great.

Doing my best not to give in to that today since I have a goal for Thursday, and I'm still looking at 2 pounds to go. Scale is not being nice. Planning on fish for dinner, and lots of water today.

Today, I've completely finished unpacking the last of the boxes that aren't books, and got most of my decorative stuff up on the walls. And I'm trying to embrace the power of positive thinking, but my Nyquil hangover isn't having any part of it. Zzzz....

[jenjenangel027]

Today I have been on plan and I walked a little over a mile. Still feeling pain but trying to overcome this. I really hope I hear from the doctor this week!

[martini]

Laurie - Two things: 1) I absolutely love the fact that your weight is all over the place and that you've got food and depression issues. I know there are some parts of it all that are misery, but how you've navigated those challenges has made you such a cool, interesting, courageous, compassionate woman. That you wake up every day and shine the way you do is a huge, glorious middle finger to all the haters who just don't get it.

2) Good luck with the job interview!!!

Jenni - I don't know if you'd find this of any use, but when I'm in a bad place what helps me refocus is making a list of all the things I'm grateful for. It's so easy to get lost in all the negativity when things are tough. Looking at all the things you do have adds a different perspective to the mix.

MissLoud - When you've got all those other things going on, I think maintaining is a real achievement! Congratulations!!

Jessica - I'm glad to see that everything is going so well!

Mandy - The 50lb mark is right around the corner. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you hit it by Thursday!

Uber - What stands out for me is the difference between "I felt like a bottomless pit" and "I cleaned my plate and ate tortilla chips." You might be conflating two separate things.

I'm wondering if you had eaten the same amount of food at a party or in conjunction with some sort of celebration, would you feel as bad about it. Also, unless you ate more than what you're listing here... it actually doesn't sound like you ate that much. Yes, you had a big meal that probably put you over 2,000 calories for the day and the jelly beans were clearly more munchy than nourishing (as is their nature to be)... but yeah. It's just a big dinner and some jelly beans.

The bottomless pit stuff, though, is hard. I know that pain and I know how it can make you double over. The only thing that I've learned is that feeling it won't kill you. It's not something that you have to hide or run from. I've forced myself to sit with the feeling and it's awful but it doesn't last. If you sit with it once, you learn that you can do it again. When you sit with it again and again, it becomes smaller. Then it can fit in a box and you can get on with living your life. I don't know that this is any model for others, but it's what I've discovered works for me (on many days, but certainly not all).

[MissLoud]

Erg and now I'm sick ... ive got chills, they're multiplying ...

Bonus is I'm coughing so much I don't feel like food! Also caught a glimpse in the mirror this morning and I have shoulders! Not just that rounded effect you get when you have tuckshop arms - very promising. So yeah just trying to concentrate on the positives at the moment.

I hope everyone is feeling a bit better!!

vvvvvvv And hey check me out I'm a pound girl now vvvvvvv

[jenjenangel027]

Martini...thank you for that reminder I have so much to be thankful for, I am just in a really down place right now. I struggle with depression due to chronic pain so it is really hard to look at the good things....and when your weight is stalled it makes it all that much harder!

Laurie...I hope you rocked that interview and great job on downward scale.

Uber...Still in the same boat as you. I did have a on plan day yesterday hoping for another one...hope you did too!

MissLoud...hope you feel better!!!!

Jessica...I am so glad both jobs are going and J is making you happy!

Hope everyone else is doing great!!!