Toasted....sometimes it is hard to get in here....our lives get busy and that is okay it is the point that you keep coming back! I agree with Laurie sometimes personals just don't happen and that is totally okay! Give yourself props you are still exercising.....right now I am finding it hard to get any exercise but I am continuing with the diet...there is going to come a point where I am going to have to put my all in the exercise!

Uber....okay I didn't think so but I wanted to apologize if I did! I am so happy your seeing a drop that makes me so happy when anyone looses...we are all fighting this together!!! I took in the points you gave me and I do agree...just trying to get my head straight so I stay straight...I know you get that. And I am glad someone else has a similar story. Along with having kids it was pretty stressful living in a different country for 2 years....I missed my family, my husband was NEVER home, and well let's just say not all military wives are so nice.

Jessica...I also love seeing your life blossom. My sister came out of a VERY physical and emotional abusing marriage. I get that she also went and put herself as a single mom through law school. Her trust is very hard to get with men and I hope someday she will open up enough to blossom! You are doing so great!

Laurie....no need to apologize at all!!! I didn't think I did and I thought that is where you were coming from but I wanted to make sure. It sometimes is hard to get the whole picture when its over the internet so I try to over communicate! And thank you you did open up the fact that sometimes life just happens. Your right I was not sitting around eating bon bons. I have raised my son with autism since birth met my husband when he was 8 or 9 then moved all over the US and country recently living in South Korea for 2 years having babies managing uncontrollable step kids while he was at war worrying about him and on top of that graduating with a Masters.....now that you had me say it all...I think I have a lot to be proud of...now I have more time to work on myself And you make me proud I just want you to know that! You are so graceful with everything!

Diane....been thinking of you and just giving you all my 220 dust I can! Cannot wait to hear when you get there!!!!

Martini...Hope you are ok!!!

Mandy....Hope you are having a wonderful day!

Missloud....welcome this is a WONDERFUL supportive group! These ladies are AMAZING!!!!

Oh I hit 227 today....not sure if I will go any lower as I have been doing 2 pounds a week for awhile now!!!! But I am so close to my 10 percent at 225!!! I am hoping these 220's don't hang around as the 230's did!

Good afternoon all!

And welcome to our group, Miss Loud!

I am in a fabulous mood today! I'm not sure why, exactly, I didn't really sleep well. But the weather is gorgeous, I'm having chicken fajitas (sorta... I'm gonna cut some chicken into strips, marinate it in a chipotle marinade, saute it up with onions and peppers, cook some corn and black beans, top it with sour cream, maybe salsa and maybe cheese, all on whole wheat tortillas) for dinner (What do you think, Uber?), my mommy called and chatted, and the scale was nice to me today after my bbq affair yesterday. 284.8 - Past the halfway mark! I guess all of that can add up to a good morning.

I keep wanting to sit down and address each of you individually, but I also feel compelled to get off the computer and DO THINGS. Chores, errands, baking. I have never had a house of my own to take care of, and I'm finding it comforting and even a joy to take care of it. The cleaning, straightening, organizing... baking goodies to be prepared for potential guests. Feeling like this is my place and I'm proud to call it home. So, since I'm antsy to get up and DO, even though I'm not sure (other than vacuuming) what it is I'm going to DO... I will leave you with this.

You all here, you're my rock in this crazy adventure. My port in the storm, so to speak. When I weighed in today, my first thought was "I get to go post this and tell all these awesome people, and I know they will get it and will celebrate with me." When I'm tempted to veer off course and dive face first into a baked goodie or a bag of chips, I think of you guys telling me to be strong... or even just the feeling of failure I would have to deal with in confessing it to you guys. Knowing you all are out there, dealing with the same struggles and sometimes succeeding, and sometimes falling to temptation then getting right back up (which, I think, requires as much - or more - strength than sticking to it to begin with!), helps keep me in line with my goals here.

You all are wonderful, and I don't think I would be succeeding at this without your support, words of wisdom, and sharing in celebration of all of your successes and my own.

So, thank you.

Hello Everyone:

First--Jessica, congratulations! I am so happy for you! You are doing so well and I am in awe. Keep doing what you are doing; it is working!

Mandy--your sentiments regarding this group and what it means to you are so well put. I feel the same way. I am so glad that you are enjoying your new home. And the pictures are just beautiful.

Jenni--loved the quote; it is so true.

Laurie--I have admired your tenacity since I have been here, but reading about what you went through in law school makes me admire you even more. I also went to law school--it is incredibly hard. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been with all of those additional challenges and stressors. Your struggles have made you wise.

Missloud--welcome! You will love this group.

I have been away from work for two days because I was sick. It is really unusual for me to miss work, but I just couldn't fathom being in my office feeling the way I did (and I am sure my co-workers were glad I wasn't here spreading germs). I still sound terrible, but feel a lot better--I think I am on the mend.

For obvious reasons, I have stayed away from the gym, but look forward to getting back there, hopefully, next week.

I continue to really appreciate all of you here and will try to check in more frequently.

Lotusmama....I sure do hope you feel better! We have been fighting it in this house too!!!!

Oh wow thanks so much for the welcome! Feeling the love - you guys actually made me tear up. Loosing my brother has been a life changing experience, now I'm an only child and I'm not enjoying at all geez that sounded selfish!

Still going strong on plan at the moment, the sun is finally shining here so that makes it a whole lot easier, we are coming into spring and daylight saving comes in this weekend so will be able to go for walks in the evening. I made a commitment at the start of September to work out everyday, bit of a lofty demand but ive managed to only miss 3 days, I'm actually finding myself waking up and planning what and when im going to do it - I don't know who this person is but I do know me and generally loose momentum after I've lost about 20 pounds and start feeling better.

Geez its so hard posting with a 1 year old trying to break out of his room. Better go deal with him

Have a great day everyone

Thanks, Jenni; I am miserable, but I think the worst of it is behind me. The silver lining, I guess, is that I don't have much of an appetite!

Laurie, I am so glad to see you back here with your signature Laurie determination. I know that it's not that you haven't been determined, but with how busy you've been with the visit, I've missed you!! Girl, you are fierce!

Mandy, your food list has made me drool. THANKS FOR THAT. Also, your house looks gorgeous! I'm sure you do love it out there. It's beautiful!

Diane, enjoy the ache, embrace the ache. It means you're going to get stronger!

Jenni, congrats on the loss, girl!

Mandy (again!), I know you can do it! You are strong and determined. You are as beautiful as your house is and, also, I agree. It is so precious how much your husband cares about not impeding your success. Such a sweet heart to think about you. <3

Uber, I'm going to say congratulations on your weight anyway. You know why? Because of the 45 lbs you've lost. Also, because of the acceptance of your bodies patterns and not let them derail you from your goals.

Jenni (again ), here's the thing about depression and people. You have people who do use depression as an excuse. Usually, those people aren't depressed at all. They throw the word around without ever having really experienced it in the hopes that it garners them sympathy. Then you have people who are depressed. Those are the people who have quietly died a little inside each and every day and never said a word because they didn't want to be an inconvenience to those around them. They're the ones who stay strong for everyone else. They're the ones who feel like by stating the truth - about how much their depression contributed to their weight - it is someway trying to make excuses because deep down they really do think it is all their fault. I firmly believe you to be one of the second group. I know from my personal experiences with chronic depression that it really does play a huge roll in health - mental and physical, especially weight. It's not an excuse, it's a fact. It's why I'm always telling people to make sure that they're not just trying to get healthy physically but emotionally and mentally as well.

MissLoud, WELCOME!

Toasted, hope your day improves. I know just how those days can be! I wouldn't call myself super strong, but freight has definitely been a great way to continue to increase my strength when I can't get in an actual workout. I plan on getting back to my formalized workouts, actually. I haven't been able to do them at all for nearly a month now because my body has been so run down from pulling 30-36 hours of hard labor a week at work in preparation for Home Depot's inventory. Now that that's done, we'll be dropping back to 20 hours, but I'm still going to have to delay until after my two weeks is up with them. I have a feeling that between the 60 hours I'll be working at both jobs, my body'll just want to nap.... even if it'll be mostly standing around and observing at Verizon.

Laurie, YOU ARE LESS THAN 9 LBS FROM ONEDERLAND. TELL THAT HOOKER TO SHUT UP! I know what you mean about watching someone surpass you - you've done it to me more than once :P - but you're going to get here. I'd like to point out that on this downward journey, ma'am, you've also been able to enjoy a steady downward trend. You haven't stalled yet. Isn't that a nice feeling? Yes, you may end up catching back up to your body's normal pattern of holding and whooshing but still, think about how much harder it would feel if your body was still doing that right now. You're gonna catch up with me again soon enough and you're gonna look awesome doing it.

As a writer, I have a dirty love for words. Especially words most people don't use. It's just like the first time I saw the movie Twister, I fell in absolute love with "sustenance". So it's nice when I'm talking to someone to get that level of elevated vocabulary. It let's me know that they understand when I use my own extensive vocabulary and, like I said, as a writer, I have an even greater appreciation for it. I'm serious, intelligence can be such a turn on.

Uber (again), don't you love when you realize you've gotten to a place where you really are satisfied with just one of something that might have made you mad with a desire to binge at one time. It is one of the best NSVs ever.

Jenni (#3!), congrats on 227, lady! I'm so proud of you!! In regards to your sister, earning my trust has always been hard - for anyone. I don't give it easily and I don't open up easily. The emotional, mental, and physical abuse from my marriage didn't help that, but I realized a long time ago just how deeply I feel things and I built a lot of walls in order to keep the hurt to a minimum. I'll admit that after M pulled away back in May there was a lot of desperately wishing that I could just throw those walls back up. I didn't want to feel the pain and the hurt and the confusion. I don't think I managed to build the walls back up; what I did instead was throw myself into getting back on my feet and getting healthy.

I was talking to one of the girls from work last night and I've been thinking a lot about how J more or less came out of nowhere. I was just going along, being myself and suddenly I realized he'd already broken through my defenses before I even realized I needed to put them up. I was so caught up in other things I was completely unaware of the fact that I was attracted to him until I was well within the flirting stage. And, well, at that point, he was already flirting back so I guess that goes a long way to making things easier.

... I know that ended up coming out a bit long, but my point is encourage your sister to focus on herself. When she's in a situation where she is truly comfortable with herself and okay with being alone - even when it means being lonely sometimes - she'll be amazed at how people can surprise her. <3

Mandy (#3), happy days! Glad the scale was nice to you and that you got to chat with your mom. AND WE LOVE YOU, TOO!

LotusMama, I hope you feel better soon!

MissLoud (again!), if you stick with us, you'll come to realize just how wonderful a group of ladies this is. And how far having this circle of support can go. I know what you mean about falling off after about 20 lbs. It has always been that way for me in the past. 2-3 months, 15-20 lbs and then BOOM, off the wagon I go. This time has been different. MUCH different. It's been 5 months and not only am I down 60 lbs or at my lowest weight ever. I am under 200 for the first time in my adult life and I owe so much of that to this incredibly amazing bunch of women for being there on the hard days and helping keep them from turning into hard weeks. <3


Fyi, I totally started tearing up typing that response to MissLoud, ya'll. It is so true in so many ways and you guys will never know how much I love and appreciate having you there to lean on. You guys are officially part of my extended family.

I posted something on facebook about the seductive power of a good vocabulary yesterday. M replied with a picture of some crazy looking old woman that just had the word "wut?" on it. Here's the thing. He has incredible vocabulary. When he talks, really talks, his mastery of the English language can - literally - give me chills. Unfortunately, I realized last night just how much of a child he can be sometimes. I ended up deleting the photo comment.

Also, in case you guys are wondering, I think I came to the conclusion while lying in bed rubbing Luna's tummy - poor thing needed the comfort after chewing her hip raw from a hotspot while I was at work - that I'm pretty solidly in the #TeamJ court myself right now. >.> They say your first love is the one you compare everyone else to (at least until you find the one who doesn't get compared to them anymore). If that's the case, I'm pretty sure M was by far my first love. I have a deep attachment to him. He broke my walls down twice and, in that way, opened my heart back up. However, he's the one who threw out that friends word. Like I said, for a while there, I was in someways feeling so guilty for flirting with J because while he said friends, I know on some level there is still an attraction and he's throwing up his own walls... but... yeah... I had a though pop into my head last night about kissing - I KNOW. Anyway, the point is that right now, I think if J were to kiss me, I might feel bad about M hurting (if it were to upset him) but I wouldn't feel guilty or bad personally. Where as if M were to kiss me, I'd feel horrible about the POTENTIAL of hurting J. And J and I are just friends right now (flirting friends, but friends). I don't know where our relationship could potentially go, but wherever it goes, it is definitely, I think, finally helping me accept that M isn't the only gentleman left in the world. And that, alone, is such a victory.

If any of that makes sense... (Also, love the #TeamJ)

Okay so tonight's workout didn't happen. Something came up at work and we had to deal with it till 11pm and I didn't get home till about half an hour ago and it's quarter past midnight right now. I've eaten a light dinner because I've been daydreaming about dinner (even more so than usual) for the last 6 hours. I'm supposed to be doing one last quick email sweep before bed but I'm checking in with you guys to se how you all are doing. Thanks so much for all your supportive comments and the exercise advice. I don't know if I'm cut out to be a morning exerciser but I guess I could challenge myself like for 17 days or something to see if I could be. Isn't that what research/that random diet book said it takes to form a habit? Working out after work could be a possibility if I actually leave work on time and maybe build in a mid afternoon snack so that I'm not ravenous by the time I get home. You guys and your suggestion and support as always are awesome.

Congrats to everyone with new weight lows. I read everyone and it's soooo hard not to respond to each one because in the words of my mother I "always have something to say about everything" but in order to give myself a fighting chance at actually getting up early enough to work out before work, I need to go to be now. Still repping #TeamJ , though #weightlosschamps #ILoveAHashtagAnyTimeOfDay

Wishing you all a fabulous rest of the day/evening and a wonderful Friday!

Love to you all! I did not sleep well last night and I'm just dragging today, so not going to type much. But wanted to say hi! Awesome posts here.

But not from me today.

Maybe tomorrow.

ZZZZZ

I've read everything and will respond in more detail in the morning. Just wanted to share. My husband has a lot of great qualities. Capability of dealing with my emotions is not one of them.

I have felt pretty good since my kids left. Wrapped myself up in work. The strategy is working. The hubby asked if I would be home in time for cake cutting for the stepchild's birthday. "Of course," I say. "What time?" "6." So, I make sure to get in an afternoon work-out, leave work in time to hit the store and pick up a birthday present, get home by 6, and no one is preparing to eat or to cut cake. (Not sure the plan.) Hubby is mad at birthday child for some homework-related reason. Whatever. So I wait, even though I am starving. They are eating cans of soup. I haven't had steel cut oats in a long time, and I have been craving it all day. Hubby and stepkids start making fun of my oatmeal as I am cooking it. I try to take it in stride, but it makes me feel more and more alienated as they continue doing it, to the point of fake vomiting from all three as it cooks. I try, but I can't take a single bite of the oatmeal. "Are you too good to eat with us?" Hubby says as I try to keep it together. I am fighting tears. "You have to eat your dinner before you can have cake," he says, I think jokingly. I have to escape to the bathroom before I lose it, and I sob hysterically, but quietly, in the bathroom. And so begins a series of events that involve me trying to keep it together and him saying cluelessly hurtful things. <sigh>

I am not surprised I lost it. But here's the victory in this. I initially decided I just wouldn't eat, and did not for a few hours. But I heard Mandy saying, "Food is not the enemy." So I grabbed my cold, congealed oatmeal and went into the other room. It wasn't as good as it would have been fresh, but it was still good, and my mood stabilized as I ate. I went back to join them, and they were in the middle of a show. I didn't want to watch the show from the middle, so I decided to run. And I did. I ran/walked 4.2 miles. It usually takes me an hour and 15 minutes. Today, it took me an hour and 3 minutes. I'm not gonna lie. I did some angry running. I did some sobbing running. But I heard Martini's voice, telling me I am awesome. And Jessica describing me as fierce. And Lotus Mama telling me she admired me. And Jenni describing me as graceful. And Uber not only understanding my crazy, but relating to it. And Toasted, a long-time hero of mine, describing me as a hero. And Diane, assuring me that this group is always here for me, and me knowing how true it is.

I got back home, sweaty and spent, and feeling 100 times better. This is the place where I show the craziest of my crazy, and you guys accept and support me. Weight loss is one thing, and I'm beyond grateful for your part in that. But helping pull me out of the deep mire of depression before it even gets a real grip -- thank you all for that.

MissLoud - You are a welcome addition to a phenomenal group. I hope you see that. Also, just for context, "hooker" is what we seem to have adopted as the perfect epithet for the voice in our head screaming negative thoughts at us. The word comes courtesy of Mandy, our resident preacher's wife, who assures us that it is a huge part of her regular vocabulary.

Ugh.

You guys are not gonna believe this. Well, maybe you will, but it's irritating!

I was in the middle of a long response, and my computer just decided "hey, this is a perfect time to reboot!" and there went my response right with it. This, my dears, is a perfect occasion to call something a hooker. It thwarted me. Things that thwart me get called hookers. Also, my husband when he tickles me. He also gets called a jerkface or a butthead. But, mostly hooker.

And now it's bedtime, and I don't have time to rewrite all of that.

I am, however, going to offer big hugs and big kudos to Laurie. It's not easy when the people that mean the most to you, and are supposed to be supportive of you, show that they just don't get it and end up being unintentional jerks. Don't be ashamed that you cried. I do it, semi-regularly. It's an excellent emotional release, and it gets those negative thoughts out of your system so you can move forward with a positive attitude. I always look horrible after I cry... like Rudolph mated with the Stay-Puft marshmallow dude. All puffy and red nosed, only without the snazzy hat. But after I've had some time to breathe, I always feel better. So, I'm glad you got your cry, your food, your run, your faster time, and that you feel better after all of it.

Even if it meant you had all us crazy chicks in your head to do it.

Lol 'hooker' too funny! I have one of those voices, shes changed tact over the years in my teens she told me I wasn't good enough, in my twentys she encouraged me to do the total opposite to what anyone told me, now in my thirtys shes got kinder

Hey everyone, it's Friday but that only half explains my good mood today. #TGIF Even though I ended up getting distracted by Bones on my iPad so that I didn't get to bed till 2am, I set an extra alarm and got up early and got my workout in early BEFORE work. I was tired afterwards but more in a beat, tough workout way, than a I need to go back to bed way.

Laurie: I'm sorry you had to face insensitive comments, however teasing they may have been intended. But you turned it into something good for you and your body. That's living the dream, for all of us. Our relationship with food is so complicated that it would be ideal if this could be our reaction. Well done you!

FeraFilia: Silly hooker, your computer, I mean! I think you raise an interesting point about crying. Sometimes one just needs to. Unfortunately society makes it something weak and to be hidden. I think if we are allowed to laugh if we want, we can feel sad if we want and cry as well. Why is only one side of the the spectrum of human emotions permissible. Although, obviously there's a time to stop crying and kick some butt productively a la LaurieDawn, our resident rockstar!

MissLoud: Yay at kinder internal hookers. Hopefully all the hookers around and within us mellow out and stop being so annoying.

My favourite part of working out before work is that it's done and my day suddenly seems so open and non-stressful ahead of me. I don't have the niggling "will I/won't I" thought of whether/how I will get my work out later. My least favourite part is the actual getting out of bed- I always feel like if I have the time to get out of bed and work out, then I have the time to curl up and luxuriate under the covers. This morning I let myself watch an episode of Modern Family before I actually convinced myself to get up. Sure I slept through some of it, but it felt like I was getting to sleep in and watch early morning tv weekend-style. Of course though, now it's noon but my body feels like it should be 6pm or something. But oh well... Thanks again for your advice on incorporating exercise into my new work schedule. I'm thinking this weekend, I might make some sort of workout schedule of what I will be doing.

Here's wishing everyone a wonderful day and weekend ahead!!!!

Good morning, everyone!

This will likely be a two-parter. I just got back from court, and I have to head out to court in ten minutes.

Toasted - You make such a good point, and it's something I was actually thinking about this morning. I hide the crying from my husband because he makes it worse. It's not for his benefit, but mine, that I won't do it in front of him. I hide it from the stepkids (and my own kids, to a lesser extent) because I remember the misery of watching my mom deal with depression. But it's not something shameful. It's definitely something to think about. Yay for you for making the effort to move the work-outs to morning. It sounds like it went well for you this morning?

Mandy - I second Toasted. Oh! That hooker! I hate it when my computer does stuff like that to me. But thanks for both the hugs and kudos. I don't know how it would have played out without all you crazy chicks in my head, but I don't know if I would have been able to recover emotionally that well if it hadn't been for your voices there. I came home after my run, showered, and my husband came in the bedroom just as I was getting out the bathroom. On my run (and yes, I'm calling it that, even though it was probably 2/3rds walking), I thought of all the things I would say to him. Last night, I decided I didn't want to. He knew I was upset (because my just-cried face looks precisely as you describe it). He knows I am sensitive to his "your food sucks" comments. We just chatted about the day, and I was in control enough to interact normally, if a bit subdued. And this morning, all is good again. I am thrilled that y'all are helping me on the weight loss journey. I am much more thrilled that y'all helped save me from a serious emotional tailspin.

And now, I'm off to court. I'll return to finish. =)

Good Morning Everyone!

Diane Nothing worse than being tired. Hope you make it through your day ok.

Mandy How aggravating to lose your entire post! That's happened to me a few times and it gets me crazy! Just wanted to comment on your post from yesterday. It's so great that you are enjoying homemaking so much and that your urge is to get up and DO rather than sit on the computer!

Laurie I'm so sorry about your hard time yesterday. I've certainly lived through moments like that-- living in a family can be hard. Teasing you about your food choices is just awful, and I'm sorry you have to go through that. But, I am so glad that the voices of our little group helped you through!! We are all in this together!

MissLoud I'm glad that the voice in your head is starting to be kinder! We can be our own worst enemies! I hope you'll join us in yelling "shut up, hooker!"

Jessica It is hard to let your defenses down, especially after you've been hurt, but so great that you are clicking with Mr. Vocabulary!

Toasted It's so hard to figure out how to fit in food and exercise when you are so busy! I think it's worth trying to get into the morning exercise routine. If you are still miserable after 3 weeks, then you'll know it won't work, but pushing it off until nighttime and then feeling you have to choose between eating sleeping and exercise... that's just too tough and you might burn out. (I'm the queen of anti-burnout these days.)
Lotus Mama Hope you're feeling better soon! Too sick to go to work is really sick!

Martini Hope good karma is coming your way!

Scale at 248.4 this morning. Less than 50 pounds between me and onederland! Hooray!