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Old 10-14-2003, 12:38 PM   #61  
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Angry Terrific Tuesday to All!!

Beautiful baby!

Yesterday I get points for exercise and water that's all, been sick for 2 days, but I'm getting back on track today by means of liquid diet for a day.

As far as Target Tuesday goes, this is a tuffy for me. I am terrible at giving myself credit where credit is due and it's something I am working on. One thing I have learned over the past year or so is that I'm a great listener, but not much of a teller. I am a talker that's for sure, but it's really hard for me to dig deep and open up. I don't know why and the funny thing is if you had asked me 2 years ago if I was an open book I'd tell you I was and I believed it. With that said I'll do the best I can with this.

Some of each of your stories hit home with me. Faye's poverty, Amanda's depression, Jloo's abusive Mom, Sandy's eating to ingnore feelings, and Mirabelly's cooking huge unhealthy meals and going into debt. I have the dysfunctional family full of alcholoics and drug users even. I've been molested 6 times that I can remember, all by family members. I was physically and mentally abused as a kid. I was almost raped, thank god almost. I have depression and anxiety. I was/am the not so favorite kid of me and my sister. It's better now, but when I was a kid my sister was loved much more than I. I was brought up to believe that one man was my Dad until I was 13 and introduced to my real father. ( my mother couldn't understand why I was crying when she told me, my whole wlife was a lie in my eyes)I began taking care of my sister when I was 9 years old after school until 3 in the morning when my Mom finished working all 3 of her jobs. No child support obviously. The responsibility for my sister who was 4 years younger than I (she only thought of me as her sister so she never listened or did anything we were supposed to do because I wasnt her Mom and I couldn't tell her what to do) got to me badly. I beat the crap out of my sister and tormented her to try to make her listen to me so I wouldn't get in trouble if her chores weren't done, so I wouldn't get the big black leather belt because she didn't do her homework. It's something I have felt horribly guilty about it for years and it's something my sister has and still does resent me for. Not to mention that I called her names and picked on her for being fat. She wasn't, she was just built different than me, I was one of those stickly skinny kids. Now she's the size 3. ( if that isn't a "what comes around goes around" situation I don't know what is!) I did finally realize that I was just 9 and in a situation that I couldn't handle but had no choice about. I was a kid and I know that now, I still feel like I ruined her childhood and it still bothers me sometimes, but I also have forgiven myself on that finally. It took many many years, but I can't undo what's been done. I've apologized over and over again to her, but she hasn't let it go. I can't say I blame her though, if it affected me so much I can only imagine how badly it affected her.We were also stalked by my "father" who did a lot of crazy sh@! like break into my elementary school to find out where we moved to and break in our house to leave us notes. One time my Mom caught me opening all the blinds in the house at night and asked me why I was doing that when I know that she wants them shut all the time and she said I told her that my daddy asked me to keep them open so he could make sure I'm being a good girl. I remember laying in bed at night not being able to go to sleep because I was responsible for my sister, if anything happened to her it was my fault. I was so scared I would shake so badly it would hurt I was always afraid someone was in the house trying to get us. I would hold my eyes open so wide until they'd get dry and I'd have to blink and then I'd do it all over again. The house would be silent so I could hear every noise, when I did doze off it wasn't for long, because I'd hear something and I'd wake up and cuddle closer to my sister, trying to be as quiet as possible but scared to death not sure what to do if someone was there. I couldn't call the police because if I did they might take us away from Mommy because we didn't have a babysitter and we were too young to be alone. I remember sitting in the dark with my Mom and my sister in the hallway cuz it had no windows and we could hear Dogs down the street start barking and then they'd get closer and closer as my "dad" cut through the yards to get to ours. Whenever I got home from school I had to check every inch of our trailer looking for "someone" hiding in the closet or under a bed or in the shower, before I could relax. I grew up so paranoid from all this that when I did get married,( I was a teenage pregnancy statistic and married at 19.) I taped the sides of the curtains to the wall so that no one could see inside that little crack. It took me a long time to realize that some of the panic attacks I have are because of all this, but now I know and they happen a lot less.

Yet, I honestly don't believe any of these things are why I'm fat. I could be in denial or uneducated I'm not sure, but I feel like everyone in my life did the things they did because of the situation they were in. Either they didn't know any better due to a lack of information and or education or it was the best they could do at that time. I was wearing a size 3 when I got pregnant at 19.After my daughter was born I was a size 18. Until that point in my life I had never ever had a weight problem. People tried to kindly tell me that I was putting weight on too fast. I believe the reason I'm fat is because I was a young now- it- all teenager who couldn't be told anything and thought it couldn't happen to me.

That gave me chills writing all that and thinking about it again, but I think I did pretty good opening up. This is going in my journal too I think.

Thanks for sharing everyone.
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Old 10-14-2003, 02:00 PM   #62  
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