Thanks. It's ok. I know no one can really give me a solution. I just needed to vent. Normally it doesn't bother me this much. Not since she went back to her grandmother's and I didn't have to deal with it at home. To stop the phone calls we forward them. There are about 5 different phone numbers she calls from. Some cell numbers. Others home numbers. We have Lingo VOIP and there was no way to block them, so the customer service person suggested that we forward the calls. So that's what we've been doing.
The only phone number that we don't do that with is the grandmother's. My husband has her to call him if she needs anything extra other than the child support. Also, his daughter is not allowed to use her grandmother's phone. She can use it when and if she's ready to apologize to me and act like she's got a little sense. My husband would be willing to see her on a normal schedule then. Spend the day with her. That sort of thing. But not in our home.
Either way, she can never live with us again. I don't want her to and neither does my husband. He just doesn't trust her because of what she's been taught. She's a very smart, manipulative girl. It's very easy to forget that she's only 11. You'd swear that she's 16. She even looks like she's about 15 or 16. She's very developed and very tall. Already 5' 8". I would definitely never allow her around my children. He doesn't want to either.
If he wants to have her placed in a facility, he'd be within his right to gain custody from the grandmother. Especially since his ex lied and claimed that she had no way of getting any type of correspondence to him. Even though she's not allowed to know where we live, she knows where all his family lives. He's actually considered that. The problem is that she'd end up in the same situation all over again. She can't come and live with us afterwards, so the state would allow her to be placed with the grandmother again. My husband loves her, but he no longer feels any real connection to her. He doesn't even know her. Plus there is somewhat of a danger factor. The daughter and the ex try to do things that could affect your freedom. At the very least it could cause of a lot of missed time from work and a lot of money. Quite frankly, we're just not going to go through that.
She'd already just been saying that I'd hit her. Plus that whole ordeal my husband had to go through is still very fresh in his mind. He always wonders how things would have played out if he'd had a different type of demeanor. Or wasn't as clean cut as he is. In a nutshell, we've given up. We're willing to meet her financial needs and pay for counseling, but we're not going beyond that.
Her mom is allowed visitation and the grandmother will never do anything to stop that. Even though she agrees that the mother is harmful, she doesn't want to be bothered with her granddaughter very often. So she gives her to her mom. My husband and I were told that, even if he filed for custody, the mother would still have the right to see her. Supervised visitation would only be an option if she did, in fact, try to kill the daughter. Just saying she heard voices that told her to do it isn't enough. Especially since doctors are on record as saying that the mom was lying. So as far as the state is concerned, she's just one of the many people who have tried to pretend to to be disabled to get a check. It's not uncommon.
In a sense, I'm sure she does feel that she's won. I'm sure she feels that she's asserted her dominance because I won't tussle with her. I'm sure she feels that I've wimped out. I'm fine with that. It's just not something I'm willing to fight. At the end of the day, she's just not my kid. I'm no longer willing to be involved. I'm not mourning the lose of anything. My husband is, but it's the loss of what she used to be. Not what she is now.
He and I talk about this stuff daily. Many times a day. Thankfully we've always been on the same page. If we weren't, I'm sure it would put our marriage in jeopardy.
I'm sorry if I brought anyone down. It's just that I think about all this stuff sometimes and it's just all too strange. Too nuts. My husband regrets not thinking all this through a lot more when he was in his early twenties. They got married two years after his daughter was born. She wasn't planned. He thought that if they were married, he'd be in a better position to protect her. You should hear him now cautioning friends and family members about having children with people you don't know well enough. I have a 20 year old nephew who confided something in him. He won't tell me what my nephew said, but he gave him a long lecture about condoms and kids.
Ok, someone asked for shouts-out....
Amany aka Amanda
33 years old
I live in Redford, MI
No children
Mood - Improving...
girl you havent brung anyone down we all have issues i know mine contributed to my weight
i hope your stepdaughter sees oneday that you are a great role model your strengh inspires me
anyway on a happier note is everyone getting their water
So Liz, how was that nekid train ride last week??? Ya never told us! . Congrats on those 2 pounds, fabulous!!!!
Amanda, sometimes no matter how much you want things to work out, everyone's just better off being apart. I have not had a relationship with my SIL for almost 6 years ever since she tried to hurt my Dh physically right in front of my children. Unfortunately the sacrafice was ending my relationship with my neice Kayla who I had practically raised since birth. I was so crushed when I finally admitted that was how things had to be, even tho I strongly feel that my family was the best thing for that child. My family had to come first, my kids, my husband. The situation with MIL came a year later and I chose too cut off contact with her personally, but she is so small minded and pathetic she hasn't seen my kids in just as long a time! All for the better IMO, nobody deserves poison in their lives regardless of where it comes from. You're a strong lady, I know you and your hubby will get past this and build a really nice life for your kids. Sometimes, in the face of situations like these you really do find out just how strong you are, I know I sure did.
Mia, your little water ticker is adorable. Is that on 3FC? Yes, I am right on track with water today so far!
Danielle, the train ride was amazing. The strangest thing happened to me though.....
Nekid Train Ride, by Liz
Nekid Train Rider: played by Liz
Passengers 1-5: played by Latino boy band/singing sensation Menudo
Passenger 6: played by former child star Danny Pintauro
Passenger 7: played by Chicago's own Brian Urlacher
(Scene opens as Nekid train rider is reading "Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix". Nekid train rider drops her bookmark.)
Passenger 6: Hey, let me get that for you.
Nekid Train Rider: Gee thanks!
Passenger 6: Oh, it's no problem at all!
Passengers 1-5: Pero gracias!!! Quieres Orchata?
Passenger 7: I love Orchata!
Nekid Train Rider: I love Menudo!
All: Laugh in unison for 3.6 seconds and then break into a rendition of "Walk Like an Egyptian"
So far I've had about 80oz of water. No weight lost since last week. And I don't care. Seriously. Because I'm smaller. Plus, I really hate to admit this, but I have a favorite pair of pants that I wear once a week. They're just so dang comfy. Anyway, it's a pair of pants that I couldn't even pull over my rump just two months ago. And they're looser than last week!! Heck, they're almost baggy. So, the scale didn't move. Big whoop. It will move soon enough.
Aqua - Chin up my friend. Easier said than done I know. But you're doing a fantastic job. Remember that our bodies always want to stabilize themselves. Especially after the initial big weight is lost. And you've already lost some major weight. Three pounds in a week is quite a bit. Especially considering your current weight and the stage of the game you're in. I know you changed your plan to spark a major, major loss. But you still lost! On top of that you found a new way of eating that you really enjoy. That's a lot of be proud of. Those are all huge accomplishments for just one week.
Danielle - I'm sorry to hear about your niece. It's the worst when an innocent suffers. Oh and the "outlaws". Having inlaws is so strange. These are people you didn't grow up around, have values that are not like yours and all of a sudden you're now related and start spending holidays together. That's a lot to ask. Thankfully I love my MIL. She's gotten on my nerves on occasion, but nothing major. My husband also has an uncle, two cousins and an aunt that I like very much. The rest of them can take a flying leap!
I'm glad you're feeling better but I sure feel bad for dd. Poor thing. Give her some extra love from us. Hey, and just skip the scale if you feel like it. You have the special sick pass this week.
Mia - You are quite a woman! It takes a special person to do the job you do. And blended families can be a real challenge, but it sounds like you're really on top of it. Are you looking forward to returning to work?
Liz - I will have to take a look at that book. I find that when I can make an honest attempt at understanding my stepdaughter, I can honestly pray for her. There was a time when it was a real challenge because I was so personally involved. I had to pray for the strength to let go of my hostility enough so I could pray for her! We're not supposed to admit things like that, are we? Oh well. I find it better to be truthful.
Congrats on the weight loss lady. You are doing such a great job. Here's and extra for you. Plus a Your weight will come off. The scale has to give up the pounds sooner or later. Preferably sooner.
Trish - I hope you feel better soon. I hate ear aches. They're agonizing. Thankfuly mine isn't achinig today. Last night was awful.
I want to lose at least another 50 pounds before I attempt to get pregnant. I want to avoid as many complications as possible. Sometimes I look at my husband or he'll do something to make me laugh and I'll think, "I hope our son / daughter looks like him. Or has his sense of humor.". He or she can inherit my brains though. j/k He's actually a very smart man. So, I think our kids will be covered.
Melissa - Congrats on the 5.6!!! That's amazing. You really deserve it. I'm glad you've had that victory. It will just get better and better too. Can you just imagine how we'll all be next year? Slimmer. Healthier. We'll feel more attractive. Have nicer clothes.
Oh Survivor...
I'm still not sure what to make of it. It bothers me too for anyone to feel like they have to represent "their people". I hate when people ask me to explain things to them about black people or black women. How could I do that. Every member of the same race doesn't think the same way or have the same experiences. Or even agree.
I remember being at a used book store one day and I asked the clerk about a book by a controversial author. He told me that I didn't look like someone who'd read a book by that guy. I wasn't offended but I have to admit that it took me off guard. I really didn't feel he was being malicious and I'm not ultra sensitive about those things. I had a really snappy come back though. I told him that he, more than anyone, should understand that you can't judge a book by its cover. But I know that the point he was making was that by liking that author it wasn't "representative" of a black person. It's too much of a burden to represent an entire group. Heck, I can't even represent the feelings and thoughts of my immediate family.
Well, I'd better go. It's funny. I feel like I've had somewhat of an awakening" about how I want to make healthier food choices for my life. I was just thinking that it's not enough for me that something is low carb, but I want it to be healthy too. Then, wouldn't you know it, there's a tasty looking birthday cake here today. *sigh*
Amanda....I'm glad you liked the play. And thannks for the support regarding my 2 pounds. I'm glad your pants are falling off! Ha! I think I'll have to write a play about that! By next Friday, they should be down to your knees!
As for your step-daughter.....you are perfectly justified in having to pray for the patience to deal with her and in having to pray to let go of the hostility. That doesn't make you a bad person....it makes you a wonderful person. Most people would 1) not let of the hostility or make any attempt to and 2) would let it interfere in their marriages. You're patience and tolerance and understanding and ability to accept this situation for what it is is an absolute inspiration to me. As I mentioned, I have some terrible issues in my own family (hence the Toxic Parents reading) and I really am having a hard time being independent and not letting the negativity weigh me down. So you are a rock star to me. Kudos.
Okay, so I'm not the only weirdo who knows Menudo. Boy bands have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. lol Remember New Kids On The Block? LOLOLOL *step by step....* and don't even get me started about N'Sync or Backstreet Boys. Personally, when you mentioned Nekid Train Rider bending over in a trainful of people.... scared me for a sec. Talk about a flash from the past..Danny Pintauro! LOL
Amanda, yeah I sure do miss my neice. I also have a 3 y/o nephew that I've never laid eyes on but have seen pictures of. My MIL is absolutely psychotic too, I've got stories that could curl your toes.My heart is still sad at the missed years with Kayla. She loved being with us, thrived in our family. Sad to think of what will become of her. SIL is such a mess, MIL is halfway raising the grandkids..makes me shudder to think they are/may turn out like their mother! And I wondered why I needed therapy! LOL You are so right about how you get thrown into someone else's family with their beliefs and morals. My dh and I grew up completely opposite, I had the 2 parents, extremely strict childhood & he had just his mom, left with nanny's for weeks on end while she traveled for business and pleasure. They were given every whim, guilt ridden mother and all that. While both dh and I have an awesome combination to parenting, Coming into their family was extremely stressful, altho not at the beginning. Took me many years to realize that not only was my SIL jealous of my relationship w/ my husband, but so was my MIL. They are both extremely jealous of my immediate family as well, if you can believe that!!! Realizing all the subtle things she tried to do to cause strife within our marriage...makes me so sick! I was told by my MIL in '97 (thru a nasty hate-filled letter) that I was not loved by her unconditionally (ask me when I EVER asked her to love me???), that I had to earn it, and that she COMMANDED respect because she was my husband's mother. She proceeded to lay into me because I did not have "enough" pictures up of his side of the family. ???? My family just happened to send me pictures frequently (we are all so big on the picture thing it's disgusting really! lol), so I'd put up stuff whenever I got it. I also, mind you, had pictures up of MIL, SIL & my neice that *I* had taken but it wasn't good enough. Apparently I was supposed to have dh's grandparents and his father (who he hasn't seen since he was 8?) and a myriad of other people who I don't even know. It is unreal the way this woman's mind works! All this in a letter she wrote after we'd been together for 5 years!! Anywho, after she literally drove us out of our home (long long story) I cut off all ties to her or of ever wanting a relationship with her. I was very vocal about that I would not stand in the way of dh choosing relations with his family if he so chose, but to not include me & my children could visit with their grandmother under his supervision as long as SIL was not on the premisis. She also tried to attack me too the same night as dh, accused me of "stealing" her brother away and called me a gold digger. Nice. All in front of my kids. The book Liz referred you too is a great tool I've read that, and toxic inlaws. Take a look in the self help/psychology section of your bookstore, there are tons of useful reads out there to help you understand what you are feeling and to help you cope.
News Flash:::: All 3, I repeat, ALL 3 of my kids are home sick. Guess I will be spending my weekend with the disinfectant and the washing machine. This is so not good!
That is some rough stuff you just described. Family strife has to be my number 1 least favorite thing in the world. I've really been struggling with that lately.
Mia....props to making out with your Menudo poster.
Mia... So, what you're saying is that now you're a professional kisser???????? Which one was it? The only one that stands out to me vividly was Ricky Martin. LOL
Okay, I'm re-adjusting myself for another week. I blasted some Bowie and cleaned my house like a maniac, so I think I burned off most of that anger. Sorry if my typing is bad, my baby is sitting on my lap and he is seriously jamming... lol... head all bopping...
Sugar-N-Spice - Thanks for the encouraging words. I was sure I would drop to 167 or somewhere in that ballpark. I just needed to throw a tantrum I guess.
iwantnewpants - lol...I love the avatar!!! Mike Ditka is cool...
I know, 3 pounds is good. I hate the scale though. He's so judgmental. Much like the Chinese teacup...
miafluker- That ticker is adorable!
Amany- Thanks for the chin up. I'm okay now. I spent some time doing heavy duty housework, it gives me something to be happy about for a while. I love a freshly deep cleaned house... mmmmmmmm.... pine smell.... bleach....mmmmm
*jumps up and goes WOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOO (like in the pine-sol commercial)*
sapphire35 - Thanks for all your support, and keeping your eye on me for the last day or so.
Mia... So, what you're saying is that now you're a professional kisser???????? Which one was it? The only one that stands out to me vividly was Ricky Martin. LOL
i dont even remember which was which but i know i was crazy about them and ralph machio(karate kid)
those were the days when it was about the jets,madanna, prince,bon jovi, richard marx i could go on and on and on but im giving a shot out ot my all time favorite kenny g
by the way what the heck is wrong with me i just finished like 10 min of turbo jam and did the ab section of yoga booty and then attempted to do my latin reggaeton dance workout but after 10min hubby came in and was staring messed my mood all up im just going to hit the ab lounge
Hey, did we ever decide if we were going to start a book??? I'm just about to end one now, so good time for me.
Aqua, wanna come here and clean my house? LOL I wish I could find the motivation to clean top to bottom. Lately I tend to just do the necessary stuff like laundry, bathrooms & the kitchen. Don't worry chicky, you are doing an amazing job with your weightloss! Keep doing what you're doing, you're body will respond.
. Congrats on those 2 pounds, fabulous!!!! 
So, the scale didn't move. Big whoop. It will move soon enough.
Having inlaws is so strange. These are people you didn't grow up around, have values that are not like yours and all of a sudden you're now related and start spending holidays together. 
That's a lot to ask. Thankfully I love my MIL. She's gotten on my nerves on occasion, but nothing major. My husband also has an uncle, two cousins and an aunt that I like very much. The rest of them can take a flying leap! 
*sigh*
scared me for a sec. Talk about a flash from the past..Danny Pintauro! LOL 
