Ok, why is Pear grumpy? I know why I'm grumpy-because I gained back 2 pounds!
Here's one that might cheer you up. It was supposedly on Craig's list (don't know if there's any truth to that though).
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown ( Georgetown )
I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me
and my wife. You also asked for my wife's purse and earrings. I
hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol
after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see,
my wife had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it
that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating
weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to
wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about
in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up
leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't
have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug
us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave
your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Smiths restaurant,
along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet
itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll
be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel
recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a
little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with
that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was
about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with
it. Oh well.
So, about your pants; I know that I was a little rough on you
when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to
make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd
like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent
you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid
or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and
instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might
not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do
lunch and laundry.
Peace! - Al
