Pretend to cook supper, lol, that's cute! (I only cook what I "have" to!) Cooking and sewing are not my things, I'd rather be watching a football game, lol.
Well, I don't know how much worse I can get with my eating right now. Every morning I wake up and say it's a new day, but by the time I go to sleep I have literally made myself sick from all the junk I ate. I'm sure there is more going on here than I can even see why I am doing this, I am pretty sure I am emotional eater, and somehow I find comfort in sweets/sugar food. And normally I know why I am eating "emotionally", but lately things have been going good, kids are totally great, husband has been nice, lol, and I'm just really blessed! So I'm not sure what's going on?? All I can think of, is that when I see myself in the mirror, I do not like what I see, and it depresses me very much, makes me feel really down and very disconnected from people if that makes sense, not my family though, but all other people.
Oprah had a most excellent show on the other day! (I love Oprah by the way, lol)....Wynonna Judd was on there, and it was about her weight. It was actually a follow-up to a previous show with her. But she said such encouraging and true things, my mom and I were calling each other back and forth crying during the show, lol, but she was saying how important (and hard) it was for her to realize that she is worthy and she is beautiful. She is worthy for being born, she is worthy for who she is....etc and I was thinking to myself, yes, I am worthy too (although it's easier said than done because I don't think I really feel that)....she was saying she was worthy to eat right and like herself ....etc Even though I am a big sports fan, I also like all the cutesy accessories, fashion earrings, pink tennis shoes, lol, butterfly clip barrettes....etc and I think many times I am ashamed to wear them because I think I am not small enough, that only if I were smaller I could wear those things and it be ok. I'll wear them around the house happily, but once I get out in the real world, I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I just am using some of those for an example to describe how I feel. So I've been relating to Wynonna, in thinking, why do I have to be embarrassed and ashamed? This is who I am and if people cannot accept who I am and like me for who I am, is it really my fault because of my weight? I think it's all in my head probably, and I think it's lies of the negative force within me. I personally believe in an evil one (satan), but however one looks at it, no matter what a person believes, I think we all have a negative force that tries to take over us instead of the positive one winning. I want the positive side to win, and dominate the negative. I seem to just fine in this with other people and other situations, it's only "my situation" or "myself" that I allow the negative to do this to me.
I also want to close by saying, I am sorry if I come across sad or discouraged all the time, because actually I am very happy upbeat person, I love to laugh and I love having fun. I absolutely cherish and thank God everyday I get to be with these precious children of mine, they are absolutely the best kids in the world! They are my treasures!! They make me smile everyday!
And I am so blessed to have my husband too, he is precious also!!
I love my family!
I think this is a "me" problem, it's something within myself that I just can't get over or like. I do have a problem liking myself many times. I've always been a very insecure person, so I am sure that is a huge part of the problem, but I am going to have to figure out a way to overcome that, or I'll never be able to beat this thing I have with food.
Wow, thanks SO much for listening! I know that was a lot (and I have much more, lol) but I'll spare you for now, lol....but I do feel much better by saying all that, thanks so much for letting me! oxo
Much love,
skippy oxo
Plus, my daughter has expressed an interest in starting back to swimming. She was on a swim team for about a year, but finances and the distance we had to drive eventually led to us having to take her off the team. She was watching the Olympics and mentioned that she missed swimming. She went to the gym with me last night and swam laps for about a half hour. (I didn't swim - I can't! 
) She had a great time and is talking about joining a newer team much closer to home. I'm excited for her because she's really good at it and she loves it so much. 
The struggle to know who I am in truth and spirit, is the spiritual quest- Ravi Ravidra 
What wonderful nuturing things you are doing for yourself. I always pack my luch and it gives me something to look foreward to 
Last night I counted up the weeks if I want to fullfill my service position I am signed up for in October I have to get abstinent today. No more bullshit, no more hiding, no more half measures. I hate to say it, but it is quite a motivation for me. I want to be the Step 11 speaker.