How are you all doing? I haven't posted here since December maybe? The last time I posted, I was 161 and this morning, I weighed in at 185 after having one binge free day. I have put on 24 pounds in a very short amount of time.
There were so many times I wanted to stop but I just couldn't. My history with chronic daily migraines, insomnia, and my escalating weight caused me to have depression and complete lack of motivation. I tried many times to talk to my Sponsor (I was doing OA) but I just couldn't get it together.
I've been feeling incredibly low. I just have felt like such a pathetic excuse for a person. Even now, as I type this, I'm heavy hearted for all the excruciating binges. Despite how awesome they seem, doing them every single day was very painful and made me feel quite hopeless. I so wished I could just go away to a fat camp or something, just to be in a controlled environment and to get my head back in the game, but that's not an option.
Finally, my husband told me to just exercise, break a sweat. I haven't done that in so long, using my pain as an excuse, but of course, that doesn't help matters.
So yesterday, I worked out for 30 minutes. That might not sound like all that much, but it was a triumph for me. I was able to eat like a normal person. Then, I woke up this morning at 4:30 a.m. with a terrible migraine. Oh the agony. When will this ever stop? Well, perhaps never, but drowning my sorrows in food has proved to only exacerbate my difficulties.
I've already had all my calories by 4:30 this afternoon, but I figured that if I still want something, I can have an oatmeal and still be at a small deficit. I actually worked out again at 5:30 a.m., so I mean business!
Ok, that's a long update and I apologize. I don't know if I'll make it back on track but I desperately want to. I really want my life back, even though it's not a perfect life, it was still a good one overall when I wasn't binging.
Sending all my fellow food addicts lots of hugs and I look forward to catching up. Thanks.
Last edited by luckymommy; 02-18-2015 at 09:44 PM.
Hi luckymommy So good to hear from you! Great that you are starting to work out. I just started a week ago and feel a lot better in every way. It doesn't take a big workout--I'm sure i'm doing less than you. Just the movement feels great.
Thanks, mars735! I woke up early again but decided to work out later today because I have a busy morning. I'm so glad you're working out too. I think it does something to our brains like nothing else. What kind of work outs are you doing?
I feel your pain, rabidstoat! Same thing goes on in my break room. Someone always seems to bring in leftovers sweets from their baking or dinner party, or kids birthday. I've been mostly successful by ALWAY having an alternative handy and also by just saying to myself 'not for me'--not in a self-denying way. Once in a while, if it's something that looks really yummy, I'll have it. I hope that you feel peaceful & ok with however it went.
Agree with you re that great feeling from working out. I hope your workout went well--what do you do?
I woke up after the second gym day feeling incredible--my body & mind felt so alive, and it was the lightest workout--25 min of treadmill walk, 5 min elliptical (yes, 5 min!) and some abs and biceps curls & stretches. I'm pretty deconditioned and have finally learned to build up very gradually. But even that little bit made me feel like a new person. I look forward to that feeling more than I look forward to eating my favorite foods!
I was wondering how you've been, Lucky. I'm sorry you've been struggling. I hope you can pull yourself out of it and get back on track.
You guys, I was really struggling with staying on track and discovered an app called twogrand and it is awesome!!! You take photos of everything you eat or drink. Something about the shame of posting a photo of something off plan has kept me on track. It's especially fun with friends commenting on eachothers meals. If anyone checks it out, find me! Same username.
Hey CoolMom! Your photo is so adorable! Thanks for your kind words and much appreciated hugs. Sending them right back at ya!
That app sounds very good! For me, not so much. Seeing food photos is actually too much for me but I'm so glad it works for you. You're doing super great, btw! Way to go!
I am still around. I think it's about two months since I seriously binged, which is like a record. Almost 20 pounds down (though seemingly tons to go).
I feel like I've waged an uneasy truce with all the sugary snacks in the office, but they make me very anxious. I feel like at any day I could go mad and eat my way through all the chocolate candy here, and that it'd be all downhill from there.
That's kind of how I am. I'm perfectly in control and at ease around food -- until I slip and lose control and then all **** breaks loose!
Last edited by rabidstoat; 02-20-2015 at 11:10 AM.
Reason: 'lose' not 'loose', aiee, I committed my worst grammar pet peeve!
rabidstoat, I can definitely relate. It's like a switch goes off somewhere and all of the sudden, I lose any ability to refuse food. Then, I start to binge like I'm on a mission to destroy my body. I've been through this so many times and as much as I try, it always happens again. All I can do is get back on track as soon as I can and stay there for as long as possible. In other words...you're not alone. We just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do our best.
Went to a friend's birthday part this weekend, and had two of those mini cupcakes and a pretty small piece of regular birthday cake. It was a lot of sweets for me, but it was planned to eat sweets and it definitely wasn't a binging mindset. Also had lots of fruit and veggies, some hummus and pita chips, and some sliced turkey.
My best friend, who I work with, is also struggling over stress eating. She has a lot less to lose than me -- I think she looks fine, actually, though I suppose she might technically be considered overweight maybe, and she wants to lose 20 pounds to get back to her pre-babies weight. She is one of those who feels more comfortable with herself when she's on the lower end of a healthy weight range.
But she's got a less of stress in her life lately and has been stress eating so we've been talking about that, trying to support each other. The boss brought in MORE COOKIES AND BROWNIES today for some unknown reason. I've managed to keep out of them, but she's had once of each, eaten over four visits to the kitchen. We've signed a 'no office sweets' pact with each other for the rest of the week.
rabidstoat, I hope I can do as well as you did at your friend's party. I'm going to a party tonight and it's a huge party with lots of people...I'm going to feel anxious about it, which puts me at risk for a binge.
I just wanted to post here that I'll be going to this party and I'm nervous about it. I hope that I can post an update here and say that I did alright. I'm going to try not to have anything sweet but realistically, I'll allow myself one desert or two deserts but half of each. The thing is that there will be lots of appetizers and the main course won't be served until 9pm. I usually have dinner around 6:30 so I'll just see how it goes. I hope my husband will dance with me a lot so that we stay away from the food and burn come calories instead. That's the goal anyway. Wish me luck!
luckymommy, I'll check back here for your update, hope it goes (or is going, you might be there right now) well!
I'm sorta putzing around, still no binging. I did have sweets a few times this week which I hadn't really planned on. My fault for buying Mini Magnum ice cream bars. That I'm not binging on them is good, though. Weight's stalled for the past couple of weeks but I feel like I'm eating reasonable and feel healthy, so it is what it is for now.
rabidstoat, I'm so impressed that you can avoid a binge with magnums, be they mini or not! Those things make me lose my mind.
So I was a normal eater at the party. I kind of had a large snack before I went and then I had very little to eat. A few bites of chicken, one bite of some eggplant dish that was beyond spicy. Then, there was a desert table of homemade cookies. I had 4, but they were mini cookies...bite sized. Overall, I was actually proud of myself and I didn't come home and binge, which would be a typical scenario.
But this morning? I got on the scale at a much later hour than usual (which would normally mean a drop in weight) and instead, I had a gain...1.5 lbs. This made me so sad and frustrated.
I'm going to try to eat like an angel today and see how the weight is tomorrow. I only had maybe 2 or 3 small pieces of chicken kebab and I didn't eat more because they tasted like trash for some reason (not that I'm an expert on what trash tastes like). I keep thinking back on my day and I just don't get it. I"m also not approaching TOM, nor ovulation so this is just odd.
Still, I'm super duper grateful for handling things like a semi normal human. Hehehe. I hope everyone has a great day!
I weigh myself every day but I try not to worry too much about it. It's frustrating when you've been 'good' and then the scale just doesn't care. And I'm a perfectionist, so those things get in my head. Hopefully you're doing well this week.
Sometimes I find myself 'studying' people who look to be a normal weight to see what their eating habits are like. It's like I have to study them to understand how to eat normally.
Meanwhile at work.... we have jelly beans. My bane! There's like two pounds of them in a tub. Luckily there are also mandarin oranges, which I love, so I've been eating way too many of them. Still, better 6 or 7 manadarin oranges than 6 or 7 scoops of jelly beans! It's actually probably the same calories as in a full-size ice cream bar, and more vitamins and fiber.
Oh. And I've sworn off Magnum Minis until the weekend, probably a Sunday treat. We'll see how that goes...
Last edited by rabidstoat; 03-03-2015 at 09:51 PM.
So good to hear from you! Great that you are starting to work out. I just started a week ago and feel a lot better in every way. It doesn't take a big workout--I'm sure i'm doing less than you. Just the movement feels great.
I hope you can pull yourself out of it and get back on track. 
