A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to
sleep, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the
woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and
I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another
blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I
have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're
married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD.....Get your own damned blanket."
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga excercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. "...in Jesus name. Amen."
Thank you so much, ladies. I just keep laughing...this has
made my day. I feel so happy...haaaa haaaa haaa
hee hee hee...now back to house cleaning....
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy!
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.
Make love, not war. ****, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
