I got a bunch of silly jokes today. Here is the first cute set of things I got :
Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for awhile ... it isn't so hot.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'
If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
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He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart!
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He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
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He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
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On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me
everywhere."
Written just below it . . . " I do not!"
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Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
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Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time
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Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
being.
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Q . How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
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Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
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Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
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Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
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Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
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Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
A. They're married.
