Being a person that mainly goes to movies so I can rip them to shreds, I really enjoyed this one, lol. A friend sent it to me cause he said he thought I'd written these, hehe.
Hollywood Lessons: [list=1][*]It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. [*]Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. [*]All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. [*]At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. [*]Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. [*]All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. [*]Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. [*]You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. [*]A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.[*]If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. [*]If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. [*]Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.[*]All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. [*]A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. [*]Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.[/list=1]
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe
a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love
until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing
me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island
Ferry."
After a woman gave birth to her baby, her Dr.
> > stood solemnly at her bedside.
> > > "I have something I must tell you about your
> > baby."
> > > "What's wrong," the alarmed mother asked?
> > > "Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
> > > "What's that?"
> > > "It means your baby has both male and female
> > parts."
> > > "Oh my Gosh that's wonderful!" The woman
> > exclaimed. "You mean it
> > > has a penis and a brain?"
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, said:
"Good trade."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ******* wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No crap??? Who did she play for?"
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it
>>>>will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was
>>>>never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your
>>>>living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
>>>>uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't
>>>>appear to realize that you had set it free ... You
>>>>either married it or gave birth to it.
>>>>
>>>>2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day,
>>>>someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
>>>>
>>>>3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
>>>>Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it
>>>>the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to
>>>>go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear
>>>>as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty ... do it and die."
>>>>
>>>>4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves
>>>>completely.
>>>>
>>>>5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear
>>>>tight shoes.
>>>>
>>>>6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you
>>>>don't know what you're doing, someone else always
>>>>does.
>>>>
>>>>7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along
>>>>came today.
>>>>
>>>>8. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a
>>>>while and it shrinks two sizes!
>>>>
>>>>9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I
>>>>regain consciousness.
>>>>
>>>>10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
>>>>stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and
>>>>driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of
>>>>a perfect day.
Actual Medical Chart Notes (these are real, can you believe it? lol)
[list=1][*] Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.[*] Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.[*] On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.[*] The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.[*] Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.[*] Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.[*] The patient refused autopsy.[*] The patient has no previous history of suicides.[*] Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.[*] Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.[*] She is numb from her toes down.[*] Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.[*] I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.[*] Skin: somewhat pale but present.[*] The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.[/list=1]
Stupid state laws [list=1][*] (Alabama) - Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.[*] (Alabama) - It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (whew!)[*] (Alaska) - In Fairbanks it is an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.[*] (Arizona) - Hunting camels is prohibited.[*] (Arizona) - Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.[*] (Arkansas) In Fayetteville, it is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday. [*] (California) In L.A., toads may not be licked.[*] (Florida) - If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.[*] (Florida) - Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.[*] (Georgia) - You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.[*] (Illinois) In Des Plaines, wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.[*] (Indiana) In South Bend, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. [*] (Iowa) - One-armed piano players must perform for free.[*] (Iowa) In Marshalltown, horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants. (huh?)[*] (Louisiana) - It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.[*] (Maine) - You may not step out of a plane in flight.[*] (Maryland) - It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.[*] (Massachusetts) - No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.[*] (Massachusetts) - It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.[*] (Massachusetts) In Boston, duels to the death are permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.[*] (Michigan) - There is a 10-cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.[*] (Minnesota) - Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.[*] (Missouri) In Natchez, it shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.[*] (Montana) In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.[*] (Nevada) - It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.[*] (NJ) In Manville, it is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.[*] (NY) In NYC, women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.[*] (NC) - Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.[*] (Ohio) - It is illegal to get a fish drunk. [*] (Ohio) In Cleveland, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license! [*] (Ohio) In Youngstown, riding on the roof of a taxicab is not allowed.[*] (Oklahoma) - Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.[*] (Oregon) In Klamath Falls, it's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane. (huh?!)[*] (SC) In Spartanburg, eating watermelons in the Magnolia Street cemetery is forbidden.[*] (Tennessee) - It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.[*] (Tennessee) - Driving is not to be done while asleep.[*] (Texas) - The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.[*] (Utah) In Trout Creek, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.[*] (Washington) - When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed. (guess they skipped Physics class?)[*] (Wisconsin) - Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.[*] (Wyoming) - You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.[/list=1]
