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Old 10-27-2009, 01:33 PM   #76  
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That is an EXCELLENT post you wrote, femmecreole! I totally agree with everything you wrote....especially the part about giving/handing over your power to other people.

Noelle, it sounds like you have a son who's a champion football player and also that you have a close relationship with your sons. You are clearly a great mom. From my own perspective (in my own life) my sons and my relationship with them IS the most important thing. I lost my youngest at age 17 in an auto accident but I made the decision to get past that and to be there fully for my other two sons. I've asked myself....if I was on my deathbed, what would most matter to me? And the answer is to have been a good mom to my sons.

And you are doing that and have done that. That's what's important. Don't allow those others to make you feel "less than"......like femmecreole said, don't hand your power over to them. You do NOT have to......it's totally your decision. Just worry about your own side of the street, be happy that you are being the good mom you want to be. It's amazing, but children learn by what they see much more than by what people say to them. Have faith in your sons....they will be much more influenced by who you are and how you choose to live your life much more than by what anyone negative says to them. BE the person you want them to see.

And honey, if losing weight and getting healthier is going to make you feel better about yourself....DO it. And don't give up. Your sons will admire you for taking care of yourself and not giving up....and not letting others get you down or make you feel defeated or give up.

I went through a horrific time in 2005....my youngest son died and my alcoholic husband's drinking escalated and he became seriously threatening and abusive (even more than he had been)....and my other two sons convinced me to leave. And this is a very long marriage....almost 30 years. And I left with literally the clothes on my back. I'd gained 60 lbs. from medication I'd been put on after the death of my son...it was probably the WORST time of my life.

Since then, in incremental steps, I've taken my power back and conquered one thing after the other. I'm still a work in progress but believe me, just taking my power back has had an amazing effect on my grown sons....it's just unbelievable, really.
Sounds like a great movie, right? Believe me, it's not been a smooth, easy road. It's been very bumpy with many stumbles. BUT...just set goals and keep your focus on them. Do NOT hand your power over to other people...honestly, it just drags you down and distracts you from your purpose. It's a choice to allow others to do this to us. Sure, we can blame them for what they do to us....but does this help us? No. They are not going to change and fix everything.

YOU actually have the power. Don't hand it over and use it constructively. If you want help with dieting....we can help you. That's what this forum is for, I presume. It's definitely where I found the help and answers I was looking for.....how I managed to get half-way to goal already in just a little over 5 months. And you can too. Where do you want to be a few months down the road? Letting these people still upset you or making progress on your goals?

Think about it. Self-help books are great....but sometimes you just need to jump in and DO it. It's amazing how a little success can improve your entire outlook. It's time for the new you. Time to do this! Start focusing and let us/me know how to help you.
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Old 10-27-2009, 10:29 PM   #77  
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Dear Deena and Ms Creole lady you really did touch my heart with these last two stories. I can't believe the people reach out to help when you have had real losses in your own lives. It really means alot to me that people took their own time to do a kindness like this to someone you don't know. My life has been unsatisfying for a long time but never have I had to face the hurts that you have and thank you for reaching out to me. Thats what really struck me is that its so easy for me to be caught up in this story and all the details and just spin wheels going nowhere and oblivious to other people around me. I dont even remember the last time I cried, I just dont have time and a part of me is afraid I will lose it and fall apart if I do get really emotional, and then to see that my reality is very small compared to what other people have to face, and would I go that extra mile and try to help someone like you have, probably not because Im too focused on myself. Thank you for pointing that out to me without saying a word.

That has been the confusing part of dealing or not dealing with my parents, I know the suggestions and dont let people steal your power.. but I didnt know what to do, what action to take, what do I physically do to get this in motion and go about changing my behavior. I cant abandon my dad, he saved my life when I was a little girl and we have always been so close until the last 2 years when I put my foot down with my stepmother. Hes in a bad position and I know he is hurting and its the right thing to do to fix this, I cant be a christian and leave him behind and have no contact with him so that is out. That is not an option. But what I can do like you all have explained to me is get involved in a new lifestyle, surround myself with postive supportive people and make myself happy, take care of myself. They are still there, they are still in my life but not in the circle close to me, they are further back and not the focus. Thank you for pointing this out to me and suggesting tools and actions to take so that I know where to start and how to cope with it and deal with it rather than hide and wish it away. This really does mean alot to me and thank you so much.

Deena when you said just jump in and DO IT, I was like yea she is exactly right just get in motion and with that will come balance... I get it!!!
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:42 AM   #78  
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Hi Noelle,

Listen honey, you don't have to abandon your dad. In fact, you don't really have to DO anything...in the physical sense. Taking back your power means to not allow others to affect your own life negatively. It has more to do with outlook and perception. Let me go back to something femmecreole wrote here. She said that it was your dad's choice to marry your stepmom, remember?

Now...just a little analogy. I'm sure you've seen those shows on TV (Maury, Ricki Lake, etc.) where they have a guy who's cheating and the girlfriend, instead of holding the guy responsible, is venting all her anger at the girl he's cheating with. When the problem is that the guy's a cheater, not that this other girl happened to show up in his life. You've seen these, right?

Your father is an adult....and he chose this woman. It was his choice. And it doesn't mean that you can't still love your father or that you can't still be there for him as a daughter. But this stepmom is HIS problem, not yours. You are an adult now. And as adults, we are all responsible for our choices.

Noelle, the word "abandon" is a negative word. You do NOT have to DO anything negative. In fact, what I'd love to see you do is to feel LESS negative. Feel POSITIVE....and ultimately DO positive....for yourself.

Just spend a little time thinking this over. Like the women on those shows, who incorrectly vent all their anger at these women their men cheat with....you are very angry with this stepmom. Angry that she even had to come into your life. But the reality is that HE chose her and HE brought her into your life. Accept that and don't ALLOW her to rent so much space in your head. She's HIS problem, not yours. You are allowing her to make you feel angry and to make you feel "less than". That's handing your power over to her. Don't allow her to do that to you.

That does not mean that you have to do anything negative.....you do not have to abandon anyone. Take your focus off this woman and make peace with what others have done to hurt you or have not done to help you like they should have. The person who is going to make you feel positive and is going to make changes in her life to help her feel more positive about herself is YOU. These other people likely won't ever do what you think they should. Make peace with that. They won't likely realize the error of their ways and remedy them. That happens in movies but rarely in real life. They are who they are. You do NOT need to let that bring you down or make you feel negatively about yourself and about your life.

You've heard of co-dependency, right? This is where we become overly involved in the problems of others in order to take the focus off ourselves and our own problems. We blur the lines of what we're responsible for. Again, this woman is not your problem....she's your dad's problem. Focus on YOU and on your sons. They are not fully adults yet and they ARE your responsibility. And you are being a great mom and making sure you have a good and healthy relationship with them (despite this ex and his nonsense). Do the same thing with your dad....be the loving daughter despite this stepmom. She's not your problem....she's his problem. He's an adult and you're not responsible for his choices or for his problems.

Take your anger and your hurt and re-direct them to positive thinking. Focus on ways to make your own life better, to improve your own self-esteem. You have a lot to be grateful for despite all the terrible things that have happened to you. You have great sons, you have a great job. There are people out there who would love to have your life, rather than their own. Focus on what you would like to do to make your life even better.

You have to get yourself in the right "head-space" in order to be successful in a weight loss program. You have to rev yourself up and get motivated. REALLY think about WHY you want this for yourself. Put some time into thinking about the ways your weight negatively affects your life, your health, your self-esteem. You have to be serious about this...I'm telling you. It's a big commitment and you have to be committed to make it work. You don't want to be making multiple half-hearted attempts and failing....this will just cause you to feel defeated and will negatively affect your self-esteem.

I really would love to see you feeling better about yourself and being successful in a weight loss program. It might take you a few weeks to get yourself into the right head-space....a few weeks of really thinking about this and convincing yourself that you really want to do this. And that's okay. It takes what it takes.

Spend some time reading in the section here about the various diets. Think over which ones you think might work for you. That's a good first step. Make sure you understand the diet thoroughly so you don't spin your wheels down the road. If you choose a metabolic diet, it's critical that you totally understand how to do it the right way. Start thinking over how you want to do this. You CAN do this....I really do feel that.
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Old 10-30-2009, 04:46 PM   #79  
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Im done with my friendship with D that is enough. I just cannot stand the doom and gloom and she refers to our hometown as "Junk" in stead of Junction and I have two sons who won a state championship last fall in 6A football so no one dares to refer to our town as how are things in JUnk anymore.Our little town is referred to as Champtown now and I am very proud of that. And then she slipped up adn told me she was discussing the game and what went on last last week with my dad and my x husband all chummy having hot cocoa in the stands and then chimes in saying im sorry but your dad is a coward and a P.... I know she thinks she was helping or being supportive but it really infuriated me. I have to listen to that crap from my mother, and now to cross the line like that with me too herself... that was just too far and I dont care for her family that much myself but its none of my business to criticize them. I feel disappointed with my mom pretty often during football season because she gets uptight having to witness this and being confronted with these negative hurtful people every week and it is difficult for me too, but to outright call him names as if none of them ever had bad judgment and made poor decisions themselves. I shouldnt share my personal drama I guess with those closest to me and not expect a hard core reaction.



It makes me realize even more how careful I need to be around my own boys. They know I dont care for their dad anymore after what has happened these last few years. I was in my jeep one day with my youngest son and my mom and i had a blow out and I told her to quit saying horrible things about my dad, that I was sorry he hurt her and i know she has had a difficult time but he was MY father and I love him , and hes the only dad I will ever have in this world and the next one... so my son chimes in and says sadly mom thats exactly how I feel. And that was the end of it, I dont say mean or nasty things about their dad to them anymore as if they should be responsible for his actions. And it makes them resent me instead of him anyway.. I've lived this myself , my whole life, and I know how it feels to be volleyed back and forth between parents and loyalty issues and its exhausting. Im not perfect and at times I slip up sure but I am mindful of it and I really do try.



So gonna put on my "family armour" and go out to the big game tonight -- against our rivals and we have to win by 9 points to make it to the playoffs.. we were undefeated on a 22 game winning streak between two seasons until last week's loss so the pressure is on.. I have to admit it will be a relief to not have to have this in my face every Friday and it will be easier to focus on me and my little family. I remember how I used to go the the Y and do the eliptical trainer after work and usually my boys drove their truck up there with their friends and were stinky in the gym playing basketball when I walked by. I could see how proud they were of me walking by and they would all smile and acknowledge me and my kids would walk in sometimes to the little room and give me a hug if they were leaving before I was finished .. those little moments make me realize im not in this alone and the people I love most really do care and honestly support me.



I went and found a website called lifescript.com that teaches about CBT so I could understand what that was about. It's excellent and looks like especially for women. Thanks for mentioning that I will definitely take a closer look this weekend when Im home..



Also thank you again to my friends on my page here. I actually printed out your posts and highlighted through them they were so relevent and meaningful to me and theyre in my purse to read over when I get to going crooked off into a place that does not serve me.. Thank you again for sharing so much and maybe re-igniting this little flame in me that was totally blown out before I found this place. I cant tell you how much you have helped me and made me appreciate things so much more. It makes me feel like I have no excuses whatsoever because you have had to deal with so much more than any of us have and you found a way to survive and be productive by a choice. It holds us all to a higher standard so thank you for sharing your situation and Deena I am so sorry for your loss. You have really inspired me as well as countless others Im sure with your courage and your decision to live and be present for your children. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 11-01-2009, 01:09 PM   #80  
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Well we lost on Friday night on an unbelievable switcheroo and hearts were broken. Against our 100+ year rivals the score was 0 to 0 until the 4th quarter- they got a 3 point conversion and we scored and so it was 7 to 3 our lead-- everything rides on this game- we have the trophy, defending state champions, need to win by 9 points to make it to the playoffs next week and trying our darndest to score once more to get out of here with a won and those extra points to move on next week.. crushingly the clock is down to the final two seconds and were ahead...........

Manh QB throws the ball to the end zone and we intercept the ball and he's down in the touchdown line so game over we won....but no their player comes crashing into our guy down on the ground and the ball skips on to the ground so they get the freaking touchdown !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was un flipping real, it was surreal, I could not believe I just saw that happen-- so the call is so crazy that they put the time back on the clock for a do over and ..... they let them keep the touchdown.... so we go again clock runs out and game over... Talk about devistation to these poor kids and hearts were broken in disbelief.. So we lost the game, lost the trophy against our rivals, lost getting into the playoffs after a 22 game winning streak as defending state champs and these last two games were a fluke of bad calls by these crappy refs and just missing our mark... They were crying walking off the field and awwwww it was awful!!!!! I just said a quick prayer thank you God my baby still has one more year of high school football to get this back. I felt so sorry for the seniors as their last game to go down like this and the stands were booing and parents were cussing at the refs and just left in disgust because the play was over and that kid ran into our player after the clock was at zero.. but they called it wrong and cost us everything and ohhh what a night. My two boys were both on starting offense -- one at center and the other at right tackle-- last year on championship team and both of them were crying one in the stands with me and one on the field in disbelief.. It was so awful lol, these poor kids!!!!

My oldest son who was sitting two rows behind me with his dad and uncles and cousins waited for his mama with tears in his eyes and hugged me when we were walking down the bleachers leaving. It meant alot to me that he needed a hug from mommie. I'll post a photo of my two handsome babies and Im so proud of them.. Last night my younger son and his best friend were here to pass out treats with me and we ordered pizza and had a perfect full moon Halloween together and could not ask for more than that.

Personally, in a weird way, its always a relief when football is over for me because I,m confronted weekly with hurtful things and these cookoo family drama, just sad that its over so soon for my baby boy. Hes 6'4 and 292 so hes not a baby lol but he's my baby!! All the focus is on them and now things can calm down and focus on mom and getting me on the straight road now.

I had a ton of files and made a nice bonus yesterday to get me in a stronger position which is really great. I needed it and the stars lined up this month with so many files to do and right on time so I'm very happy about that..Im going to finish this year strong- I made a decision its my turn now and as of today Im on my plan for good.. Been a tough 2 years for me and im on the home stretch now and Im going to cross that line strong and happy and healthy.

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Old 11-01-2009, 08:17 PM   #81  
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Well I just called my boys to see if they could swing over for a minute and help me with my tv universal remote- its stuck and the only channels that come in are under 13 and I have expanded cable up to 70 and we changed the manual to only have those come in when we had basic.. I dont know how to flip it back.. so they are up at my dads having dinner with grama and grampa... I didnt have a reaction just ok well I do need you to come by just for a minute and take a look at this with me.. I could shoot nails out of my eyes this seems so wrong to me..

These are my parents my father and his hagorama and when we got into it two summers ago she picked the nastiest fight with me and I knew she was laying a trap for me and so I didnt egg it on and in fact I told her that I loved her and appreciated what she did for me- she says you dont love me and you dont ever need to call me mom again.. im like alright and I was asking her im confused I dont understand what I did that was so wrong here this doesnt make sense to me and she said something really nasty out of left field. Just whatever I did or didnt do while under her roof was under her skin and I totally disregarded that because it made no sense.. I had begged my mom to let me come stay with her because It just wasnt going well with my dad and her and my schedule with my kids was so sporadic it just disrupted their whole lives and not knowing what time or how many for dinner- I totally understood what was wrong and thats what pissed me off is why not just say that instead of being so flippant and nasty and having to blame me for it when I already had my whole life pulled out from under me.. we she kept going on and on and finally I said people who dont have children have no business raising other peoples kids and that how she said my mom was no different than an alley cat, that among a million other things but yes finally I lost my composure and let her have it right back.. It was because my mom said yes I could come stay with her and I told my dad myself when she was not around that I was leaving.. so she saved her two cents for me as I was making my way out the door that morning...

so once I was gone the next step was to smooze my kids- they gave my boys a dodge ram 4wd full size truck to share that is nicer than my vehicle.. All of a sudden grama and grampa were the nicest people on earth and they bought them all kinds of gifts and became close friends with their dad and my kids stepmother after just a month before my dad said he was a pitiful little mf.... and I have never heard my dad say that before.. They changed their tune a total 360 and went after my kids full force and completely wrote me off.. When we were downstairs that morning I said I dont know what Ive done here but I just want to leave and have things go back to the way they used to be-- she said things will never be the way they were before.. and she is that way very strong minded and what she says goes both at home and at her job and prides herself on once her mind is made up she doesnt look back.. She always prided herself on " I could be the kind of stepmother who didnt allow the kids in their fathers life" and like we were supposed to be grateful to her for having our father... My grandma said she was raised by savages and didnt know any better and that God knew what he was doing when he didn't give her children. She said about my dad that anyone who would let someone treat his kids that way didn't deserve children. But now Im the outcast and I have never done one thing to her, I would love to haul off and beat her *** just for this situation because what does it say to my boys? There must be something wrong with mom if grandma and grandpa dont like her and they never paid half as much attention to my kids until they got in football in high school, they never went to their games when they were younger it feels like all this smothering of attention is her spiting me. Sometimes I just do not know what to do because it hurts my feelings, it undermines my childrens respect for me, and they are confused and doubtful what to think about this situation because we were always there together before this blow out, their dad is just overjoyed to be vindicated in public by my father and her, and I cant even talk to my mom or my friends about this anymore because they call my dad bad names for not putting his foot down and demanding a resolution. They just say he is a spineless kept man and that does not help me at all because no matter what is going on I love and miss him very much. I call or text him at least once a week and it feels sometimes like Im the other woman, my mom says it is nauseating watching me wait like a puppy for some crumb of affection from him. Then like now I just feel humiliated and mocked and disregarded and I regret making any contact at all because it leaves me feeling completely rejected. I honest to God dont know what to do, this hurts so much and I do not feel that I am at fault but this has an affect on my kids. It makes no sense to them because grama and grampa are so wonderful.. they practically bought my kids..so I must be the trouble maker..

I dont understand what am I supposed to do, how do I process this and not give away my power whatever that is. I am dealing with a vindictive hard core dirty dog and she has not seen her own mother in 15 years and has a brother and a sister - 2 out of 3 siblings that she refuses to talk to or acknowledge so this is perfectly normal for her and now its spilled over into our family and my dad cant see that this is a mirror of her own family. He just is idle and turns a blind eye to it and if he sees me great, if he doesnt thats unfortunate, and life will go on regardless..

How do untangle my emotions from this and be strong and be happy. Im so damn happy football is over so I dont have to see her sorry *** every week and him too, sometimes I am more angry with him because he knows exactly what kind of person he is married to. He knows and choses to let her loose like a rabid dog snarling and chewing up his family.. They make me sick.
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Old 11-03-2009, 04:58 PM   #82  
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I am so happy to get my bonus confirmed so should be about 1300 extra dollars to get me turned around next Friday...This didn't happen without some permanent damage to my credit but hanging on since May and the child support fiasco It could have been ten times worse for sure. Well I was at my desk tryign to focus on my files and be productive and started bawling. What is wrong with me that I can't just let go of my father and not get turned inside out when they spend time with my children and exclude me. They know absolutely that I am against this and it bothers me and continue to do it. I feel stupid for hugging him at the football games and calling and sending texts to stay in touch. They make no effort to contact me whatsoever. I was even laid up in the hospital after having surgery and they live not even 6 blocks away and didnt come to see me. What is it about children when their parents break up and you have this rediculous attachment to the absent parent? I feel like I did when I was 5 years old missing my dad and just wanting to be around him and needing to know he loves me. I always knew he loved me and we were included in his life every other weekend and special holidays but what is it with girls and their fathers and why can't I snap out of this and process it like an adult. Its unhealthy and strange to have such a need for him in my life and to be so destroyed when he doesn't need me at the same level. I just worshipped my father, he was a tall dark handsome nice guy and I was so proud to be his daughter. My friends at school always commented about how handsome my dad was and it just meant everything to me to be around him and people to know he was my dad. I can remember having this sinking empty aching feeling in my chest when I was 5 and he moved out of our house and I would hear that song the goodbye girl on the radio and could not hold back the tears it reminded me of my father. What is wrong with me that this situation just cripples me emotionally and to be estranged from my dad and have him not come to my rescue when he can clearly see he is wrong. I just keep telling my self this is really deplorable and they are completely wrong and although I am very hurt Im not going to let it ruin my life. It kind of has because I feel myself building walls and not being open and affectionate with my kids, Its a natural reaction to have that urge to protect yourself but Im backing away from my children who have nothing to do with anything. I dont want to be a standoffish hermit and some wounded off closed heart weirdo but that's where Im at. I really want to make my peace with this and focus on my children and my own life and its just very difficult to know what to do, where do I go from here. I have read these messages over and over and made so much progress in my head and so many of my fears and apprehensions would be a mute subject if I was myself. Im afraid of rejection so I stay back in the wings and keep a low profile and be an outsider. I have to be confident and self assured and happy in myself and take my place no matter whose company I am in. I have this image in my mind of my oldest son becoming a father and were all at the hospital awaiting the good news and Im made to feel unwelcome and outnumbered because none of these people value me- my x, their stepmother who essentially has taken my place in their day to day life, my dad who is cordial and then walks off behind his praying mantis and her who would be happy if I drove off a cliff. Im outnumbered and unwelcome and this is my child and my family. What about weddings and baptisms, Im their mother and been completely stripped of respect and honor, and if I could go back to when I was 28 and newly divorced I would have been a total gym rat, lost every bit of my overweight and married up and better and had a new family by now and skipped over most of the drama of single motherhood. I think that is what I need to do now before it is too late for me. I need a new circle of people who support and care for me and happy interestes and supportive positive frindships because I'm surrounded by vipors right now who wouldnt care if I wasn't here and I need to be strong and take my place and make them deal with me instead of the other way around, instead of me running off to the corner with my shattered heart and hating everyone for not meeting my needs. My kids know where they stand with me and they can say anything and feel anything and it doesn't matter they know I love them and I always will no matter what. I look at myself and I am one of those gen x emotional cripples and how do I get out of this tailspin. I realize that my grandparents were the only stability I ever had in my entire life, my safe place, and theyre gone and at times feel that I have lost it a little bit. Maybe I am on the crazy side becuase I dont know how to protect myself, I end up the underdog usually always. What is it with people that you cant let go of your emotional attachments even at the expense of harming yourself and messing up your life... Why is this need so strong with me? and why do I allow myself to be hurt over and over and keep going back for more because its the right things to do. Honor your mother and father.. it also says fathers do not draw up anger in your children.. I think emotions have everything to do with weight, and food is absolutely a fix and a comfort when things seem so impossible.. I have been singing this song for so long I was mad when my stepmother was in my life because she did one nasty thing after another and I took it and kept silent to appease my dad and Im mad now because the floodgates opened and I finally said exactly how I felt and now they shun me and went after my kids with both barrells. This is ruining my life and why cant I just stop and let them go and focus on my own family. I'm mad that im even in this position and the choice I have to make is save me/lose my dad.. What do I have to do to save me and keep my dad other than channeling lizzie borden.. What can I do but make a joke out of it just to get through the day and keep going...



I heard that song by Rascall Flatts Why and I had to pull over to the side of the road with tears running down it totally stopped me in my tracks.. Wow what a meaningful song and they did a good thing and probably helped a lot of people with that one
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Old 11-03-2009, 11:19 PM   #83  
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Most of my journal here is a venting nightmare and sorry for blowing my stack so much in this high drama life of mine. I get so upset and can't seem to control my emotions, Im a journalism major and a life long journal keeper, writing is my relief and how I get things off my chest, work through them and make sense out of them, get it out of me so Its not eating away at my soul and spirit... It seems like if I was a transformer my name would be negatron, this is just crazy and so self defeating to hurt so much and take no real action to make it better. Im stuck and there is pain no matter what I do and so the only logical thing is to do exactly what you all have told me- work on my weight, work out, relieve stress, take care of myself and move this situation to the back of the list, its there, but I have more important immediate things to do right now. My mom is a diabetic, her family are all heavy people and in their older ages had amputations and things like that. I dont have the luxury of spending all my time in circles not taking care of my health. Im signing my own death warrant by engaging in this and making it so damn important, more important than my kids, my job, my health and my other family members who love and value me. I dont understand why I do the things I do but this is pointless... I see this now, nothing I have done or said or tears rolling down my cheeks has made one tiny dent in my progress, its almost me sabotaging myself and using it as an excuse for not taking the reins and control over my life and my health..

Some great news.. I have 70 channels of cable as of yesterday and my son helped me get it all going. Its a massive baby step back to the land of the living. I have not sat in my own living room in my own chair and flipped channels cozy under a blanket chilling out since Feb 2007. Two and a half years of being a fish out of water, and it is so wonderful to have this little luxury back and my computer too. I have come so far and had such a crappy road to travel for awhile, alone and mad, and here I am still standing and life is enjoyable again, just over a silly tv but it's wonderful. After a rotten day on the job or whatever to come HOME and lock the door shut off the phone and just relax in peace and quiet and do exactly as you please. I never knew how much that meant to me until it was gone and there was no home to go to. I am so grateful for this moment and Im proud of myself for getting here even if it was on a wing and a prayer
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Old 11-04-2009, 06:27 PM   #84  
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~Feeling like ****, headachey, fat as a hog, miserable, itchy I need my allegra for my allergies, my depression is honestly a level ten feels like Im buried under troubles. I made a huge bonus and got all of it credited so Im anxious for payday next week. All my stuff is beyond late so its going to cost me greatly but just to be at par, and build from there. Ive had nothing but trouble since May and child support going haywire and just left me feeling beat down and like Im held down with a boot to my throat. Im sick of being without and Marty living high and large skating off of me while I dont even have groceries to feed my kids. Im exhausted and seems like I will never get to Paris, my own dreams seem rediculous right now Im still in survival mode. As difficult as it is, the truth is none of this negative talk and depression is getting me a centimeter towards my goal. Ive been very unhappy and going through **** for 6 months, been on the weight loss board for 5 weeks and not lost one pound and kept it off. Im just going in circles and its just not fair to me. .... Tomorrow is a new day, Im starting atkins and officially going low carb for good. I weigh 360, that is unreal, I used to weigh 173 walking across the parking lot looking and feeling pretty -- but full of self doubt and inferiority even back then, I didnt even know that those were my golden years.. all I knew is my dad was embarassed of me because I was a "big" girl and I had a total complex because I looked just like my moms size and he divorced her because she was fat. I grew up to look just like her and to this day I just cant believe Im lovable until Im skinny. Its very sad to do that to a young girl but Im not her anymore Im 40. I am ruining my life by making this disappointment so important. Maybe I even seek out abusive people and partners because they keep this feeling of inadequacy alive. I have no use for people who treat me good, debbie and dawn for example. Its sick. My thinking is sick and poisoned against me.



~I think what I need is to lighten up on myself and quit beating myself up and hurting. This is my life and Im smack in the middle of a dark moment. I know this is wrong and I have been wronged and stuck in a cage with a wild animal who intends in everyway to do me harm any chance he gets because the kids are entirely his now and in the future if Im gone. How does it feel when people wish you were not here and deliberately set out to cause harm any way possible. My own father doesnt defend me, hes got too much to lose. Im put in here in this circus with all these freaks. People whose behavoir I cant comprehend because its so shallow and the opposite of a love your neighbor mentality. Sure they are friendly and have made friends with the one person who has hurt me deeply and its not out of being nice or good hearted its out of spite towards me. I went a wrote a 6 page letter of nice things about my stepmother because I was so hurt by their actions and it hurt me to hear the horrible things people said about my dad. I thought well it would be different if I tried to make amends and he still stood by and let her shun me. So thats what I did, tried to make my peace, and still here we are and the more they ignore me and exclude me the more disgusted I am with him. She did not even say thank you, they told my brother about this incredible 6 page letter and mothers day card from me but not a word of thanks or acknowledgement to me. I tried to save our family, I put what was right above my pride and it got me nowhere. He reaches out but she just stands there and glares hateful, and myself, I cant stand the sight of her. But shes tight with my kids, bought them everything under the sun to secure their place in their lives, their "new relationship" without me, and to prey on children, who only see things at face value and not the underhanded self serving motive behind it, its the worst of parenting, it's sleezy. My grandma was right about her. God knew what he was doing when he didnt give her any children..



~So yes I did try to mend our family by myself with an act of genuine kindness and forgiveness and even took the blame myself for the sake of family and still am being rejected. My dad came and said hello to me in the bleachers in the first game but that was it. Its just not as important to them as It is me and after all these years of me feeling not good enough this really the point where I just go the other way. The love is there but I did the right thing and was still rejected so this really is not my problem anymore. I wont always be the underdog, broke and going without. It will not always be like this unless my life is cut short because of me not taking care of myself. Im waiting for my life to start and smack in the middle of **** right now and for a long time. Im not going to rise like a phoenix and take my place if Im not here. I have to put this on the back burner and in the dim light for now and focus on me and making progress towards my goal or I wont be here. 360 pounds is rediculous and flat out crazy. And it's put on by one pound here and two pounds there just like it comes off. Feel down, get something to eat thats full of carbs and comfort, sit in the chair, make excuses, relax and the night rolls right on by, day after day, month after month and the truth is I chose to live like that, feel sorry for myself and live under an umbrella in the storm instead of getting up and using what tools I have to make it better. I have disco sweat, tae bo, turbo jam, bellydancing, sweating ot the oldies, jane fonda, power 90, the ten minute trainer yea baby Ive got it all- even a ballet video and yoga although I can't bend well at all because of this caboose in the way. I have all these exercises leslie sandstone walk fit, all of it.. and there they sit collecting dust while I feel sorry for myself.. I did this to myself, I grabbed the hammer out of their hands and beat myself with it that is the saddest part of my boo boo sob story.. Just gotta get up and get going -- The baby steps and the little wins do count and add up to real results--you dont lose weight twenty pounds at a time and you dont gain it that way either it creeps off just like it creeps on. I think I am finally desperate enough and disgusted enough with myself and my choices that I'm ready to do this now.
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Old 11-06-2009, 01:14 AM   #85  
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I had a great first day today, everything just worked out for me and Im so grateful for that. Reading a book called Your best life now and its just what I needed for a new start. Im off at noon tomorrow and looking forward to the 78 and sunny weather Fri and Sat here woo hoo! It feels good to have hope and excited about a new day and Im finding a little power too when uncomfortable thoughts creep in... I need to take care of myself now, I might not love the actions but I love the people and a disappointment doesnt have to ruin your life. Im self talking myself out of a rant which is good and able to stay focused and level. Proud of myself today
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:51 AM   #86  
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I really liked this article:

Learning to Love Yourself
Before you can share your love with someone else, you have to first love yourself. But what does that mean and how do you get there? Try these exercises and see how how easy it is to be your own best friend.

There’s an old adage that says in order to love someone else, you first have to love yourself. This is an important truth, but what does loving yourself really mean? Well, remember that the word “love” is a verb. So just as your actions show your love for someone else, it’s important to actively do things to love yourself.

Make a List of Things you Like About Yourself
Sometimes we focus so much on what we’d like to change about ourselves that we actually forget there’s a lot to like as well. So take a few minutes and remind yourself of the positives you can be proud of. Think of physical attributes, mental or emotional strengths, successes you’ve experienced, the way you support your friends, or anything else. Make your list as long as possible, and then keep adding to it.


Ask Others to add to your List
Go to the people you trust—a friend, a romantic partner, a therapist, a family member—and ask them what they’d list as your most positive characteristics. You may be surprised to find out that people see a lot more of your strengths than you realize.

Treat yourself like a Best Friend
You know how you treat someone you really care about? The way you love and support that person and treat him or her with kindness and respect? Do that for yourself. And just as you’d challenge a close friend who’s making bad decisions with his or her life, challenge yourself as well. Just as you would for a good friend, remind yourself over and over again of your immense worth as an individual and that you deserve great things in your life. Challenge yourself to achieve the best life possible.

Pay Attention to your Needs and Desires
This may sound a bit silly, but some people really don’t know what they want and need. They can go through their entire adult lives living only for others without stopping to ask the question “What do I want here?” or “What’s best for me?” One of the best ways to love yourself is simply to pay attention to what it is that you want and need—in your job, in your relationships, in your friendships, and in your whole life.

Protect Yourself
When you love yourself, you’re much less willing to let someone take advantage of you or to have toxic people in your life. Refuse to be the kind of person who so desperately wants to be loved that they’ll put up with anything in a relationship. You’re worth more than that. Protect yourself from people who don’t have your best interest at heart, and choose not to allow yourself to be treated in unloving, disrespectful ways.

Listen to your Self-Talk

Repeatedly calling yourself an idiot or a loser is one of the least loving things you can do for yourself. So today, right now, commit to making your self-talk positive. Maybe take the list of things you like about yourself and repeat some of those attributes as you move through the day. When you do make a mistake, be generous with yourself, and instead of telling yourself how stupid you were to lose your keys, just say, “Oh, well. It happens. Everyone loses things from time to time.” As you talk to yourself, don’t say anything you wouldn’t say to someone else you love.

Take care of your Body
You don’t have to become a marathoner or a supermodel. But do your best to be healthy. Few of us eat exactly as we should or exercise as much as we ought to, so there’s no reason to beat yourself up over not being perfect. But taking small steps to take care of yourself physically is one of the best ways to show yourself love. By treating our bodies well, we send ourselves the message that we deserve good things.

Take Care of your Inner Life
Don’t neglect your spirit. Slow down from time to time and pay attention to what’s going on within yourself, where you’ll find all kinds of reserves to draw on when you need strength and support. Taking the time to pray, meditate, connect with others, and read meaningful books can nourish our love for ourselves and enrich our lives in many ways.

Show yourself Compassion

Be willing to forgive yourself, and be patient as you grow. All of us make mistakes, and we all have certain shortcomings that make it easy for us to get down on ourselves. But remind yourself that you’re only human. There’s no reason to expect perfection. When you make a mistake or notice something about yourself that you don’t like, don’t judge or harshly criticize yourself. Instead, be compassionate and remind yourself that you’re doing your best.

Live in the Now
This isn’t always easy to do, but one powerful way to love yourself is to focus your energy and attention on the present moment. Don’t dwell on the past, with all the painful regrets that might exist there. And let go of the future, with all its crippling concerns and anxieties. Then invest yourself in appreciating all the good in your life right now; pour yourself into the present moment and make the most of who you are right now.

Keep in mind that loving yourself isn’t selfish. Think of the heart, which pumps blood to itself first before sending blood out to the rest of the body. Similarly, the more loving you are to yourself, the more love you’ll be able to send out to the other people in your life—your family, your friends, and the people you date.

When you get right down to it, love’s not a feeling, it’s a decision. So make a choice right now to love yourself and to work on loving yourself more fully day after day.
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:54 AM   #87  
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And this was very helpful in explaining:

Love is a decision. Make the decision to love yourself in every moment--unconditionally--no matter what. Act and speak only in loving ways to yourself. If you have a child or a very dear friend then use your relationship to them as an example and never say or do anything to yourself that you wouldn’t also say or do to them! Love yourself for being who you are, doing what you do, saying what you say, thinking what you think, and feeling what you feel. When you do that, you make space for yourself to be, do, think, feel, express, and accept yourself as you are.

What you are unwilling to love in yourself becomes like a hard spot and is walled off, difficult to touch or reach--and when you love those harder to accept aspects of yourself, it becomes soft and easier to reach. When you find a therapist who is well suited to you and your particular needs, you will begin to soften the hard spots in you, to heal the wounds and traumas that have hurt you, and you will be able to take in the love you have always deserved.

Some people have been so hurt that they need an experience of someone else being able to love them unconditionally before they can love themselves. Therapy is based on a relationship of trust—mutual trust--and can help support and guide your efforts to examining and then letting go of self deprecating beliefs. And in that regard, therapy can be thought of as the means to giving yourself the greatest gift of all: Learning to love yourself!
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:55 AM   #88  
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January 4, 2009 by BlondieWrites



Low self esteem isn’t a rare thing among the human population. A surprisingly high number of people suffer from low self esteem. Often a person who has a low self esteem doesn’t love themselves, making the feelings even worse.

Low self esteem stems from a variety of issues. A person might have been ridiculed often as a child by their parents. Perhaps the person has felt that no one really understands them. Maybe the person was made fun of by other children over something like a speech problem. Whatever the cause, low self esteem can cause the person suffering from it to not only not love themselves but to feel like they aren’t good enough, that they don’t count, or that no one really loves them.

Sometimes, though not always, the person with low self esteem will lash out at others in a vain attempt to try to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves up. They feel the need to try to make another person feel as bad or as low as they feel in order to try and make themselves feel better. This attempt seldom works however, because they have failed to address the issue or issues that have them feeling so low to begin with. Attempting to bring another person down not only fails in bringing the other person down, it only makes the one suffering from the low self esteem feel worse and want to lash out even more.. They continue to seek a way to make someone else feel bad so that they don’t feel bad.

And the cycle continues because they are still suffering from low self esteem and they still don’t love themselves. There is an alarming number of people that even resort to cutting themselves in an attempt to feel better about themselves, seeking some measure of control over something they cannot control. But the cutting doesn’t make anything better, because again, the issues causing the low self esteem have not been faced or addressed.

Building your self esteem and learning to love yourself isn’t all that difficult, but it does take effort on your part. Start by realizing that no amount of downing another person will resolve whatever issues are plaguing you. To try and berate others doesn’t hurt anyone but you. It only keeps you in the cycle of low self esteem and prevents you from healing and loving yourself.

There will always be negative people with negative behaviors, and chances are they will project that negative energy onto you. A person with low self esteem will often take to heart anything negative thrown at them, and sink even lower. Rather than allow someone to make you feel bad over their bad behavior, consider the source that the bad behavior is coming from. Are their negative actions towards you really about you at all? Or are the negative actions simply a projection of their own feelings of low self worth? When you determine that it’s not even about you, but rather about them, then you can easily deflect the issue and not allow it to bring you down.

Begin each day by thinking of one thing that you really like about yourself. This can be your hair, your compassion for others, your ability to make others smile, or that you make a great pot of chicken and dumplings. As you do this each day and discover things about yourself that you like, you will begin to feel better about yourself, and your self esteem level will rise. And before you know it, you will find that you actually not only like yourself, but you love yourself too.

Enlist the help of those that love you to help build your self confidence. Those that know you best and care for you are the ones that can help you see how special you truly are. Remember that someone who really knows you has most likely seen you at your worst and they didn’t leave. These are the ones that can help you to build your self esteem.

When your mind has been conditioned to believe that you are no good, that you have no value, that you are worthless, then you will believe these things about yourself. A child who is told enough times that they are stupid will eventually believe that they are indeed stupid. Their low self esteem will carry into adulthood.

You can rebuild your self esteem by reversing the effect. If you tell yourself long enough that you are of value, that you do matter, that you do count, that you are indeed a beautiful person, that you are important, then eventually you will believe this to be true. Your self esteem level will rise, you will find yourself loving you.

Replacing the negative and bad thoughts with good and positive thoughts will soon leave no place for the negativity. Some people might need to constantly work at keeping their self esteem level at a high level. For others, once the issues are worked through that brought your self esteem down, you have it made.

Building your self esteem up will not only make you a happier person and give you peace, it will improve your relationships with others. It will also allow you to better see people who seek to only to bring you down by trying to berate you so that you can eschew from those types of people.

Whatever the issues that causes a person to feel so low, there is a way out. Facing whatever caused you to feel this way opens the door to healing. Knowing that words do not make you who you are, that another’s opinion of you doesn’t make you who you are, and that those who care are right there with you can help you to have high self esteem. Love yourself, you’re unique!
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Old 11-09-2009, 01:04 AM   #89  
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Im anxious to get to the end of the week and turn over a new leaf. Ive been pretty strapped since May and I had planned a fun weekend to go to TJ Max and get some clothes and shoes for myself in June.. still waiting to go and be able to do this. Its really put a strain on me and not being able to do one single thing with my kids, no dinners out, no movies, absolutely nothing but stay home and watch tv.. its gotten old. I didnt go anywhere this weekend, no gas, no money, nothing and feeling the blues like never before. Kinda hope in my heart that my dad might text me or something which never happens. The only contact between us is what I initiate and that is really hurtful to me. Im very tired of these negative relationships and how they make me feel. I have it coming from every direction and taken a real toll on me, I dont mean to but I feel older, I feel old as if my best time is behind me, its a crippling feeling to be on the outside looking in and wanting a life that doesnt seem to want me. I wonder how will I ever have a normal relationship with a man, a healthy loving relationship when I have such a sadness over my father. The trust that has been broken, the personal violations and anger I feel down deep, its overwhelming sometimes. I try to be positive and stay focused but down deep it hurts very much. Its natural to remember the good times and comes back each time to how could you do this to me? I feel myself holding back with my own children, Ive experienced so much raw pain in my life and I hate to say those words because people say that about my mom.. shes had a hard life.. and I never wanted to be known as that but I really have. Im going to really focus on connecting with my kids, and respecting myself, being important and feeling important towards myself. I cant control the hurtful behavoir people act out, I cant make them be how I think they should be but I can be a loving supportive and more positive mom. Theyve seen me be the underdog and the have not for most of their lives and I am really sick of that role. I did not cheat on my plan since I have started. Im really proud of myself for keeping the faith.
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Old 11-09-2009, 11:47 PM   #90  
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Im taking good advice and finished chapter one of my novel!!! Im officially a writer and how about that!!! Its what I love, something just for me to fill my time with productive endeavors and positive hobbies to make me happy. No telling how or when this will turn out but im doing what I love and its so fun to be creative and use imagination. To be in your element and focus on good things, a welcome change! Nice to keep my hands busy too and not shoving food down my throat lol
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