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Old 01-18-2010, 03:49 PM   #121  
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I'm so happy the holidays are over and enjoying my holiday today. I get my taxes done tonight so this is the break I was hanging on for. Just want everything to work out and start the year out in a strong place and go for it. Im so unhealthy and have the blues like never before. Just a trapped feeling and hopefully tonight it will be good news and I can begin again. I feel famished every minute of the day, I cannot get enough to eat and I know its because I have worried myself sick. I promised myself this is the end of the spinning in circles for me and I started my low carb plan this morning and committed to it. I contacted my surgeons website about lap band surgery but after everything I have read about ports and needles and injections I don't know if that is the answer for me. My insurance doesnt pay for it so I would have to have him do a letter of medical necessity and keep my fingers crossed. I just know that I can't sleep at night from my weight. I cant lay on my back without getting a painful bachache and if I lay on my sides it cuts off circulation so I toss and turn all night long. Ive pushed my health as far as it can go and now I just have to let go of all the painful stuff and disconnect from those family issues that leave me feeling abandoned and desperate and just take care of myself. Here's to day one and please let it be good news tonight!
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:57 AM   #122  
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Im so happy, everything worked out, I did great on my first day today seriously doing low carb and now I can focus completely on my progress. Im so happy that I stayed single zero on my witholding for the second half of the year no matter how limited I was in real life and now there is a cushion for me exactly when I needed it. I splurged and ordered myself a jacket and leather purse and should arrive next week before my birthday. I worked so hard last year and deserve a little something for myself. Im going to kiss my puppy and get a good nights sleep and off to a fabulous day two tomorrow. I did my hair strawberry blonde this weekend and havent decided if I like it or not but it's something new for the new year. Im so blessed that this all worked out for me, it could have been so different. Now I can focus on my health and my son going in the navy and my baby son being a good boy. He was over here tonight after work and I was in such a good mood he really was interacting and laughing and being sweet. He'll be 17 on Thursday and I have no business being as heavy as I am. My whole disposition changed this evening like I can breathe again and make some plans for my own life besides merely surviving and having no choices. I bought low carb foods and ready for my work week and got it all covered in advance for a productive week, I know I will do great this week and show on the scale. Yea!!
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Old 01-23-2010, 03:20 PM   #123  
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How about that! I did great this week and not bsing myself at all! It feels great to get off of sugar and focus on my health and being positive. I came across this little phrase "Smite the devil with a joyous heart". What is the devil in a persons life, it can have many faces, he has many faces and the most powerful is to keep a person in self doubt, alienated, hurting, broken, disappointed, isolated and away from sunshine and from gratitude towards God for the things that are right. So thats my little motto for right now, be happy. At this point in my life I realise that nothing is ever going to go 100% your way. Theres going to be some big pile of darkness in your beautiful garden no matter what you do and you have to choose to make that pile a thing of low importance so that you can notice and appreciate what is right, the beauty all around you. Something is always wrong, there is a negative among positive, there is always push and pull, and being happy, being joyful and positive is a choice, not a gift or luck or fate. It took 40 years to figure that out for me and no one gets that time back. Just feeling so grateful for the little gifts of my life, moments shared and special memories and people, and my energy is focused in the right direction.
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Old 01-23-2010, 03:32 PM   #124  
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Also when I had that appt on Monday I had to squeeze sideways into the seat. I couldnt just sit down because I was too fat. I was sitting there getting my flippin taxes done and thinking what would I do if this chair gave way and busted. Nervous about my fat behind being too big for the chair and worrying it would break. What a dose of reality and that was a pivotal moment for me. I dont deserve to be so crippled by my weight and self conscious and feeling like a hag all the time. I have my moms prettyness and good dna and there is no reason to go around looking like the train wreck that I do. Its very sad to realise I let this happen to myself, I chose this behavior that got me here over other avenues I could have chosen. The good news is I didnt choose alcohol or drugs or being a skanky person, I just chose food and I hurt myself. It's not too late, It is not over yet and there is time for me to turn this all around and open those doors in my life that slammed shut on me. I felt really embarassed for being such a fat mess but grateful for the lesson and it got me moving in the right direction. The reality is how in the **** am I going to fit this caboose in a seat on an airplane to go see my child who is going to need and miss me when he makes his home in the navy. That's all it took for me to light this fire and get busy.
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:03 AM   #125  
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Hi Noellem. You haven't logged in since January 28, hopefully you still read here. I was wondering how your Atkins is working out for you. Are you finding it easier this time around? I keep looking for an update, but you seem to have quit posting. Are you okay?
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:48 AM   #126  
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Hi Lori thanks for sending me a message. Just been having a diffucult time getting on board and I have so many people following this journal i feel like im letting everyone down because I can't get myself together. I twisted my ankle last weekend and fighting an ugly flu right now so not much activity going on and Im here at my house lonely and eating.. I'm just a mess and in an ugly depression and been posting here for 6 months and havent done a damn thing to help myself. The neverending bs with my dad and that freak on wheels up the street. After they treat me like they do she had the audacity to take my son to lunch and act soooo concerned saying they were worried about me and hadn't heard from me since Thanksgiving. He told me that and sent me into a spiral because shes trying to plant doubt in my kids. It just never ends and Im full of hate towards my dad how could he let someone do this to his daughter and then talk about me and encourage my children to doubt me and have less regard to me. My son also made the comment about how I need to learn to forgive.. He was repeating that from over there too and I did everything I could think of to make amends and a fresh start and they slugged me again at Christmas. Now that I backed away and starting to protect myself and focus on my own life and my kids instead of walking around like an open wound for them to pour salt in everytime we cross paths-- now on my birthday two weeks ago out of nowhere she sends me some text happy birthday luv ya.. that was just a set up for me to use against me to make herself look innocent to my dad and my kids.. so I waited until the end of the day and texted back thank you and nothing else. She hasn't said two words to me since July 2007. I just feel like Im in a huge pit of snakes and everything in my environment tears me down. My weight is so far gone - I dont know how on earth Im going to lose 200 pounds because all the emotional stuff is like pushing a semi up a mountain and eating is my only comfort. Im just lost in my life and fed up with everyones bs and trying to separate myself from hurtful things and focus on me.

I am reading a book called co dependent no more, I listen to tony robbins cds and also joyce meyer. I pray alot to ask for help in detaching from this brutal negativity that has really sawed my heart in half and take care of myself. I think she would love nothing more than to see me have a heart attack and be gone and Im doing a pretty good job myself of cementing myself into an early grave. I dont know what is wrong with me that I cant just get it together and save my own life. I am a walking stroke, Im 200 pounds overweight, Im huge fat miserable depressed isolated.. all of it and I dont know which way to turn.. Im just a lost cause I guess and this is not a life and what is wrong with me that I wont put action in motion to change my life and get out of this place I am so stuck in.
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Old 02-22-2010, 11:13 AM   #127  
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Thanks for responding. I really was (still am) worried about you. You have just got to get yourself out of this rut you are in. You just seem so sad, bummed, and well, just plain miserable. All the books and self help CD's in the world will not help until you just decide it is time to help yourself. Can you put down the books and pick up a jump rope? Something, anything. Could you possibly be over analyzing everything and reading to much into things. 200 pounds is a lot of weight...but it can be done, and it can be done fairly quickly, but it will never get done as long as you keep putting it off. Instead of always getting ticked at dear Step Mother, get mad at the food you eat. Get angry with the power IT HAS. You will never change your Step Mother/Father, but you CAN change the power food has. You can. YOU CAN do it Noellem. PLEASE, for the sake of your sons, take care of you. They need you.
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Old 02-22-2010, 01:58 PM   #128  
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Hi Lori - I really appreciate you taking time to be concerned for me. I did have a really good week last week and don't worry I am a very strong lady and I know that this dark moment will pass. I shifted gears at christmas and gone from being misses do right and hoping to be met half way and upon that final rejection I realized that I can't continue this anymore. Im never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with a man if I continue to allow myself to be mistreated by my father. I have to set boundaries here and respect myself and let this be. This has been the hardest must agonizing event of my entire life because I worshipped my dad. He left when I was very little and treated my mom very badly, he was the absent person and all I wanted was for him to love me. I concealed every feeling I had about anything out of this fear of being abandoned and I think I have really damaged who I am on the inside by continually seeking his love and approval. It's not right to be so dependent on another person and to make them more important than anything in my life including myself and my children. Add to the mix a devious beautiful insecure jealous woman who hated my mother and even more as the years went by because she had my dads children and something to hang over her. My grandma had strong opinions and angry at my dad for how he allowed my step mom to treat us. Many occasions my grandma told him he was scared of her lol and that she was a hellcat!! But he loves her *** and in my stepmoms little drama I am the other woman in my dads life and so she has always had it out for me. And she went out of her way to screw with me time and time again because she knew I wouldnt do anything to upset my dad and risk him rejecting me. She is an absolute bully and finally as an adult when I realy did put my foot down and call her out they completely disowned me and bought my kids everything under the sun to make sure that they wouldnt lose their grandsons even if they cut me out. It is sick and this is her twisted way of making him prove he loves her and its nearly broken me in two. That is where Im at. Having to completely shut down and walk the other way to be able to live.. I have an ankle injury right now but it is getting better. I bought that urban rebounder to do fun exercises in the house while the weather is yucky outside..

I decided to try somethign new during lent for the first time ever. I am french on both grandfathers sides and so I thought it would be interesting to see if I ate in the customary way for these 40 days and see how I do..

I have a glass of red wine for my heart with dinner. I have a tiny breakfast of coffee and half a croissant with jelly - lunch is small salad, water or tea and a small bit of chocolate, 4pm I have a small snack - a hot tea and a cookie or cracker and at 7 have dinner. There are no seconds, no snacking during the day or night, and portions are very small the size of a childs fist- soup, main course, salad, cheese and dessert... last week I lost 6 pounds eating exactly what I love and tiny portions and yes bread cheese and chocolate. It's quality over quantity.. and I was happy.. I could feel myself getting hungry and stomach growling and then eat something really good. It made me feel connected to my heritage also and if this works I could stick to it. There is a diet called the french diet which is also low glycemic that I read that supports all of this too so I think Im going to go for it.

Im also excited because my whole office signed up to walk Kansas starting March 7th-- we all record our daily activity as a team and compete with other city teams for 6 weeks. My goal is to walk 100 miles by the first day of summer and that really makes me feel good. Im anxious for spring !! My kids even want me to go to the Y and be there doing my thing while they work out in the next room like we used to in 2008. They are worried about me and so yes certainly I have a plan of attack here to get going and sincerely work towards better health...
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Old 03-04-2010, 09:24 PM   #129  
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What a great day today!! My youngest son and I went out to dinner and I did not mess up one bit. I had everything low carb and it was yummy with a diet coke. Doing my turbo Jam - I promised myself March would be a productive month for me and no excuses and off I went.. The sun is shining its warmer and pretty out and just very happy it is springtime!!!
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Old 06-09-2010, 09:33 PM   #130  
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I will be so glad to get my normal internet connection back this is redic!!! Thinking next month should be good to go. Doing good and so much has happened lately and happy to be posting on here again. My baby leaves for boot camp the first week of August and he is over hanging with his mama pretty much every evening- I see him at least an hour every day and I am so grateful for that. Foot ball is getting ready to gear up for my youngest sons senior year and he just finished his camps yesterday. It's so weird to think Im going to have all this time for myself. I have maintained my weight for 3 mos and starting up this week so excited about that very much! I have to fit this caboose on a plane to go see my sailor so there is so much excitement coming my way. It's a perfect time to get started. I read the success stories of some ladies on here today and so inspiring. It feels so good to have my bearings life is so much easier and kinder than last year at this time. I'm really happy and even made a new start with the folks. It's not great but we're talking and having a reunion next month so whatever the meaning behind it I am so honest when I say it is such a relief to not have that weighing on my heart so heavily. We don't have to be best friends or even close for that matter but I won't let anything distance me and my dad again. Feel like the sunshine came out for me and time to take all this positive energy and make a fresh new way of thinking and taking care of myself. Happy to be back!
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Old 06-09-2010, 09:54 PM   #131  
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Just as a real starting point now I want to make a record of how being fat feels and has affected me:

*My back hurts bad in the morning. It takes me a minute to get situated in my car and stretch out so I am not stiff and hurting
*My feet hurt - when I step after having my feet elevated or sitting down it sincerly hurts and have to get going for a minute it not to ache
*I outweigh my mom by 100 pounds and for all my life she was the heaviest person and I swore I would never be this big
*I hold back and am not a free spirit at all like I used to be because I am so self conscious. I am not in the moment in any measure unless I am safe with my kids and then it doesn't affect me at all.
*Even my fat clothes size 26-28 are mostly too snug. Everything is tight and uncomfortable and I have a very extremely limited wardrobe because of it.
*I am mortified at the way I look and I just kind of ignore it because I can't believe that is me looking back in the mirror. I do not even resemble myself.
*I can't sleep on my back, I will have a broke down backache so I sleep on my side every night and toss and turn because that hurts too.
*Writing this down I realize I feel alot of pain because of my weight
*The thought of being intimate with someone is out of the question and that is very sad for a 41 year old lady, im in my prime and what a total mess
*I remember what it felt like to be slim and pretty and not be self conscious at all. Just get up in the morning, get all fixed up pretty, pick out something cute to wear and see what the day would bring, I was happy and excited and high on life. I remember how that felt, where no doors were closed to me and anything was possible. I know that it's not too late for me. It is totally not too late to get all that back.
*The circumstances and limitations that were holding me down are not important anymore. I realize I dont have forever and even if **** falls apart here and there on me so what I will get through it and come out on top just like I always have. I can handle it for the most part and I feel more confident and in control of my world now.
*Its a nice place to get started and get moving~life is calling and my kids want me, they need me to share in their exciting lives too. I never heard of a grandmother being 358 pounds this has to go and no one is going to make this happen but me.
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Old 06-11-2010, 12:55 AM   #132  
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Great day today It feels so good to be on my journey now. I told my son tonight I was going to get a new hairdo when he leaves in August a new makeover for mom. Cant stick around and be sad I will have to be constructive with my time and go for it. Nice things are coming my way and going to the casino with my mom sat night Im feeling lucky ducky!
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Old 06-13-2010, 04:40 PM   #133  
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Doing good and things are so different now. My life is so much easier and I feel happy to get the luxury of taking care of myself instead of worrying and heart sadness over bs family issues. I feel so different and I just want to live to be a grandma and live long and have some fun. I have had a rough couple of years and now good things are on the horizon and life is easier and brighter and I really don't want to drag along the hurtful relationships and people who kinda let me fall. In a way I am thankful for hard times and people who reveal to me what they are about and how much I matter to them. The people I expected to stand by me did not and the ones who I thought were rainy day friends were there for me all along. It was really an eye opener and now I want to be a better friend and mom and be present. That might sound mean but I just have no desire to rebuild these hurtful relationships and give them a free pass into good times when they treated me like less than dirt. Im happy to be cordial and kind pretense but my heart is not really in it now. It's a new day and the jig is up and I just feel like God gave me my time now. It's time for me, a breather, a uncomplicated block of time to focus on my health so I can recover and be present for my children. I am invited, I am wanted and needed and loved by my children and that is the sweetest feeling. They have witnessed everything and their heart belongs to mama and in the end just like my family said I kinda got the last laugh. And a deep rooted confidence in myself too.
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