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Old 10-03-2009, 05:52 PM   #46  
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6 Tips
Dr. Maoshing Ni at Yahoo!
Health Expert for Alternative Medicine

Here are six simple tips that will have you losing weight in a balanced and healthy way.

1. Lose weight with water.
Water is essential for everybody - it is also the key to losing weight. If you haven't been drinking enough water, your body has developed a pattern of storing water. This water retention equals extra unwanted weight.

By drinking more water, you are not only flushing out toxins, you are also teaching your body that it no longer needs to store water. Drink at least 60 ounces of water (about 8 glasses) a day. Boil water and sliced lemons, and drink this throughout the day to help with fluid retention. If you are still not sold on the merits of water, try this on for size: water is a natural appetite suppressant.

2. Soup up your weight loss program.
A simple dietary change will have you shedding pounds: eat a bowl of soup at least once a day. Nutritious, low-salt soups will nourish you as they flush waste from your body. People who eat a serving of soup daily lose more weight than those who eat the same amount of calories but don't eat soup. Go for homemade soup whenever possible, as canned soups are loaded with salt and chemicals.

3. Eat early to keep weight off.
The human body follows a circadian rhythm, which means that the same foods eaten at breakfast and lunch are processed differently than when eaten at dinner. Studies show that when you eat your daily protein and fat at breakfast you tend to lose weight and have more energy; however, eating the same things at dinner tend to increase tendencies toward weight gain. I suggest that you eat your last meal of the day by 7 p.m.

4. Eat smaller meals, more frequently.
Follow an eating schedule with five little meals every day. Eating steadily through the day keeps you from becoming famished and overeating at your next meal. Make a low-fat trail mix from raw almonds, pumpkin seeds, dried plum, and apples and have it available at all times to avoid the tempting lure of high-calorie snacks.

5. Adopt a balanced approach to your diet.
Most of the fad diet programs out there nowadays are extreme in a few recommended foods, or else deprive the body of food altogether. This works in opposition to our metabolism and the results usually don't last, producing a yoyo effect that depresses your metabolic function - not to mention your self-esteem. We are natural beings that need a balance of nutrition from all sources.

Your diet should consist of a balance of organic sources of lean protein, complex carbohydrates, whole grains, legumes, nuts, fruits, and vegetables. Instead of white rice and pasta, opt for brown rice, bulgur, millet, or buckwheat.

Eat more green, chlorophyll-rich foods such as broccoli, kale, spinach, and asparagus. Eliminate candy, sugar, soda, and all simple sugars from your diet. Excess sugar ends up being stored as fat in your body, which results in weight gain. Also, keep dairy to a minimum because most dairy products are high in saturated fat. Avoid fatty foods, processed or fried foods.

6. Walk off the weight.
The No. 1 cause of weight gain is inactivity. Physical activity is the key to speeding up your metabolism and burning excess calories. The best way to be physically active is to use your legs! Walk as often and as long as you can. Always take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Step outside during your break at work and take a walk around your building. Consider joining a local hiking club. Try taking a walk 30 minutes in the morning or 30 minutes in the early evening.

I hope this article helps you shed some pounds and add on the years! I invite you to visit often and share your own personal health and longevity tips with me.

May you live long, live strong, and live happy!

-Dr. Mao
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:45 AM   #47  
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What a freaking stupid day today!!!! Ugggg I could just scream! So I get to work and its non stop chaos from 825 until 520 every minute is jam packed with go go go and it just doesnt matter. People who put a good file together ask for a rush on their loan so I do it because they did their job and I want to help them and for everyone whos saying omg thank you so much there is some jackass whining to mgmt about how my turn time is falling behind. I need about ten more arms to stay on track and in between rushing approvals out theres phonecalls and people at my desk needing help and 200 emails to read everyday. It's the stresscrazytrain and this is my career- mortgage lending and I love it but sometimes like today it just whales on my nerves and I have one person saying im great and at the same time someone else is saying whats her problem and I just have to let it roll off and keep going...

Then I forgot to log a 176 dollar check - hey it doesnt get better than that so now my account is completely upside down and Im screwed until I get paid. Im trying to get turned around from this summer and overpaying my boys support and wham here comes another sinkhole. And I did this to myself I have no one on this earth to blame but me. Im so screwed now and how to dig myself out of this who knows..

Then get home and put on some shorts to relax and my poor thigh has this hurtful chafing from my panties lol.. it hurts so much and all I can do is put some baby powder so its soft when rubs together and doesnt chafe even more. It just keeps getting better..

So then my oldest son is working tonight and my youngest is on his way home from Michigan and said **** be back in town at 930.. so at 845 im like heyyyyy Im going to do my turbo jam and when Im done my baby will be here... so they walk in - the two giggle boxes at 9oclock and im in the middle of the living room doing my workout lol. Im like go get some cake and milk and sit down and theyre laughing at me im looking like a big mama im sure but im committed. I just said bump this - I am not quitting I am doing my workout and they can sit their happy pants down in the recliners and watch i dont care i am not stopping and starting it again when they leave.. so sure enough I did my workout and they were right here laughing at me telling me how gay it was and only nerds do turbo jam and the guys on there look ******ed.... you know how it goes they were dogging me and laughing but I did it and in the end they were proud of me for being serious.. I told them about my commitment to my club on here and if you make a promise in front of your group and then dont keep your word well youre a cheater and let everyone down and most of all yourself so I was going on ahead on!

Then I got on the scale and it said 353 - so how in the **** did I gain back 9 pounds since Saturday.. Today has just been like a domino one thing wrong after another and whatever..Im doing my workout tomorrow and every day after that too and everyone can just stand in line and wait for me until I get what I need first.. I have never been so sick and tired of bs that I just demand that I take care of myself. This is it, this is my life and I am forty years old - forty years old- forty years old 40 forrrty and this is it.

Nothing is going to get better until I take these baby steps in the right direction every day consistantly, rain wind or shine, and just freaking do it and follow through and flat out do it. No excuses just do it. I have been here before ----

gung ho-- and unstoppable and then whooooosh a cold wind blows through and busy at work, or family issues, or whatever and eventually I wane and lose my momentum and quit for time.

I have been here a million times and I just want to keep going in one direction forever until my last day and take baby steps every day to get me to my healthy weight. A year from now I will be 41 and a half, and either fatter than 353 and a walking heart attack or the same weight and being trapped and miserable and isolated from relationships, or I will be slimmer healthier and happier because I did something hard and did not let up until I got my results.. I want this weight gone and for once I damn well mean it everyone can just take a seat and get in line and wait because I am taking care of myself first so that I can be here and be healthy to enjoy tomorrow.
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Old 10-06-2009, 04:17 PM   #48  
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I'm feeling that old feeling... day to day stress is wearing on me and I can't wait to get home and get on some shorts and work it all out. I get in the swing of things and a workout is stress relief and a high when I'm done because I did my job today and now I can be happy and not beat myself up because I'm not miss perfect. I love the shaky alive feeling of a post workout elation. I love that feeling and I can tell my psychology is changing and I am requiring exercise and physical workout to feel exhilerated and a sense of control. That is what exercise does for me- the more you work out the more you want to and I love this feeling. Can hardly wait to get outta here!!!!!
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:33 PM   #49  
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Default Here's somethings that have helped me

Noellem87, like you I'm just getting started and here's what has helped me...

1. take a couple of "before" photos and measurements - its not emotional blackmail or anything - its just I know several people who wish they had the comparisons for down the road when things are stalling as a reminder of how far they've come. I think the measurements are especially important - because there will be weeks when the scale doesn't budge or goes up, even though you did everything right, and measurements can get you through that - an inch off an arm or waist can be a reminder you are making a difference and to keep going.

2. Love yourself! Go for being the healthiest, fittest you, that you can be! Self torment and guilt that leads to binges as well as all the "if only's" aren't really going to help make changes! If they did, there would be a lot more "skinny minnies" in the world. The road is long and stubborn and you need a friend in yourself. I try to focus on the positive to get me through the day!

3. Examine your personal eating history! What has worked? What do you like so much you would pine away without it? When do you binge, and what triggers it? Realistically what changes in your eating can you keep up? I did Atkins for months, and truthfully I loved it, and learned lots, but I did have to put a reasonable cap on calories too - I didn't go that route this time simply because meat is more expensive than cheap pasta and I'm out of work.....

4. Set realistic changes/goals! Unless you are prepared to live secluded under dr's care doing "Biggest Loser" style 4+ hour work outs - you are probably in for a gradual start and gradual weight loss. Keep going despite roadblocks - quiting is what brought most of us back up!

5. Get support here! I blog, chat with the 300+ group, the depression group and the control/binge group - because finding that I'm not alone has helped! Plus I blog, because it gives me accountability and I need that

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Old 10-07-2009, 11:07 PM   #50  
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I don't know what my deal is today but just feeling meaner than a barrel of snakes. Super high stress at work and although I did get my required files completed I still didnt get a dent put in it.. I hate being behind and the choice is to stay late and spend my evening there and start over on the mouse wheel tomorrow.. Im just not willing to put things ahead of my health anymore. I cant sit there for ten hours a day and have no activity my legs are tingling and falling asleep because of the circulation and Im just screaming out in my head **** no. I cant do this anymore like I did when I was 25 and my days of working night and day to make a bunch of pricks a ton of money are over. Ive sent everyones kids to college but my own in that freaking place and Im sick of it. Ill get a bad review because they expect me to be so dedicated like Ive always been and I just had to put the breaks on it this summer and say no more... Im not working around the clock for free on salary anymore and I just hate it that its expected by management.

Ive just had a bad day and feeling angry and frustrated and I shouldnt even post it and think about it giving it more energy. I listen to tony robbins and the secret and law of attraction and for the most part sure I believe you are your thoughts and negativity begets negativity but sometimes I just think its all abunch of crap and I feel like venting. It makes me feel better, I have all this frustration built up and I feel like going kung fu ten ways to sunday and its a relief to get it out. I have been in survival mode my entire adult life. Ive never done anything fun or self indulgent, never been able to as a single parent, never made those forever memories with my kids because we just got by, im feeling cheated and angry. I can only feel like a victim so far though because Im not a saver, I havent had money to put back and save for one, but I havent sought out ways to make it happen either and so every little wind that comes along sends me reeling like now. I did this to myself and im mad at creation for having a rough time these last years and then im really mad at myself because up until now I let everyone on earth be more important than me. My job, my family, my children, I saw to it that they all got their needs met and mine went completely void. Well I am running on empty now and I cant run from the fact that my life is hard 30% of unfortunate happenings and 70% bad choices that I made for me.

Not getting my weight under control is my biggest factor in unhappiness. It affects every single area of life because if you dont like yourself, if youre embarassed of yourself, self conscious, inferiority complex, poor self image, all of it ruins your confidence and there you are. They say that losing all this weight wont make a difference and I think that is completely incorrect. I never felt this way ever when I was slim. I never dealt with these self defeating emotions and a feeling of hopelessness. The depression it brings on is unreal sometimes, this moment will pass, I know its cold and rainy outside, and im inside alone with my dog so lonely I could croak. Theres a lot of factors going on here and things I need that I cant go out and get for myself... I built up June so high in my mind- for two years I counted down the days until June got here so I could have my life back and my child support cut in half so I could get back on my feet and into my own house so my children could be close to me again in our own place and none of it turned out the way I thought it would. Im paying a whole lot more and cant get turned around and everything is piling up and im just sol until whenever. Its such a let down I was just in zombie mode for a while , I had all my eggs in this basket when life would finally be doable and I could have my life back and it all just crumbled away like most everything else I planned on.

Yea they went on this big 4 day weekend to Michigan that I essentially paid for and not one word to share it with me or pictures nothing. My x and my son told me it was none of my business so I felt humiliated and rejected by my own child and resentful. Ive done ten times more for him than his little fairy skating father has but I dont get any credit for it or acknowledgement at all. Its just coming from every direction and wearing on me. Im not a strong player in any area of my life, Its all out of whack in every category and I am tired of playing this game. Im tired of all of it and feeling used and abused and disrespected. Between my job, my kids, my weight, my dad, my tight money stress, its all just wearing on me and I feel like a dead horse that everyone beat down and now I dont even move. Im feeling defeated and broken and sometimes theres just nothing left to do but pray and ask for help. Jesus come turn this light on in my heart because Im in a dark place and it hurts and I feel alone.. Sometimes I think that maybe that is why you have ups and downs to clearly feel the need for God, youre not too big for your britches and to have a need of guidance and light. Ive let that relationship fane too im so full of anger and resentment its eating me alive and no space for the peace of Jesus and that is what I need most. Sometimes you just cant take anymore and give it all to the Lord to handle, Jesus take this burden from me because its breaking my spirit and I cant handle it alone anymore. Thats where Im at and already I feel better, I feel relief and my spirit lifting. Its good to get this out and I should get a good nights sleep and will look better tomorrow. Right now just bluer than blue and I did run home for my safe place and turned on turbo jam. I did my job today and I am happy about that. I did take care of me today and that is a baby step in the right direction. Im going to make sure that one year from now I am strong in mind and body, healthier and happier, stronger in my faith, my finances will be in order because Im taking baby steps in the right direction and laying groundwork for a stone foundation. My life can go any way I want it to - my mother hood years are coming to a changing point a pivotal place where kids are grown and gone and I can create any kind of life I choose. Im going to choose happy, stable, secure, sound, adventure, delight, charm, french, joyful, magical, sweet, friendly and kind. On my scale of ten Im there in my heart at just a level one, out of ten im a two right now and I can do alot better. It starts with how you treat yourself and that is new unchartered territory for me..
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Old 10-09-2009, 01:59 AM   #51  
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Decided with proof tonight that I have missed out on enough. I see pics of my kids and their step family and lots of memories and good times, weddings, dances, growing up, things that I should have been much more active in and accepting of. I never knew my place and I felt slighted and dismissed and its no ones control to take that away from me. I have missed out on so much and we are not the only divorced people in the world and there is nothing that says I ever had to stand aside and let someone push me to the corner. Ive spent the last 13 years single in survival mode while life went right on and was great for my x, facing it, the horror of being replaced before I even knew what was going on or that my life was about to change forever. So much emotion in those years, watching the unimagineable, the unthinkable come to pass and feeling terrorized at each turn. It was rough and to face and stick around and hold my head up and cope with it. Ive done my best but I have missed out on so much. It really made me stop and think and no one has the ability to take your strength and power you cede and hand it over.


Im going to start something new this month and begin to build a really strong base for myself to grow now. I have lived in a bubble and denying what is. I have lived in denial and feeling like my values and beliefs dont fit in the world and I still think that. I dont follow the masses and I think that this liberal anything goes mentality is the decay of civilization and were fooling ourselves and no one else. But the fact is I am divorced, my kids have a stepmother, she deals with her children having a stepmother, her x is dead so she is there at their special events without even him now. Im not alone in dealing with this but she is so rude and nasty, I just dont like either one of them but whatever.. Every special moment of my childrens lives is going to be "ruined" in my mind because I have to share it with her. Its not ruined and I need to take my place as their mother and quit being the underdog. I need to take my place and be strong and hold my own. I have just sunk down into the back ground because of feeling so low on myself and this is rediculous. This is my life and my kids love me there is no doubt. Im so insecure and full of self doubt I need the strongest massive quake of shattering love for myself, I need to be drenched in love and confidence and strength. Things will be easier when I have more financial freedom to take care of myself better but for now, I can use what Ive got and that is alot and build myself up strong and happy and a loving open heart.
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Old 10-12-2009, 01:28 AM   #52  
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40 1/2 TODAY and no I have not followed my food mover very well. Im back to 349 and so busy with my kids and cooking for them I have just blown off my plan this weekend.. Tomorrow I am back on plan and get going. I am making alot of breads and keep sweets in the freezer for them lemon bars etc.. because they have so much company and its hard to stay out of. Its not an excuse but it is really expensive to eat healthy.. I have not done my job this weekend and blown off my whole efforts so tomorrow is a new day and I will make sure it is productive and good.
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Old 10-12-2009, 02:30 AM   #53  
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I'm sure I have depression but have not been to any kind of therapist or ever taken any medicine.. my best friend has been to all these appointments and taking meds for years and to me it is pointless because you are just doing triage on situational depression and when you get off of medicine you still have the same problems to cope with except now the side effects of not being on medicine make many people suicidal. I don't need that bs and how about paying attention to the amount of money people pump into the medical field because they have a disease for everything under the sun and medicine for it. I think it is rediculous. If you are clinically depressed and it is a chemical imbalance then yes absolutely go get help and otherwise accept the fact that people from all walks of life have serious disappointments and time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get up and take action to make it better. There is no other way around it because none of us gets to be born again and get a do over. This is it and if things are going to change, its up to all of us to make it better....Exercise is the magic potion to feel good. We can all make up one excuse after another and I do it too but if you want to feel better.. get moving.. I hope this is helpful , it is to me definitely, your problems are there with or without medicine and time to work a plan to survive and overcome life's challenges.

I meant that so much I need to have it here as a reminder to myself.. I get in these horrible dark moods too and feel like the world is good to everyone but me but it's not true. I was given a nice life and people who love me, sure they have faults too but the love is there and most of my disappointments have been how I let myself down by making other people and their needs and demands more important than my own.


Ive been in such a dark place this weekend, I am huge and embarassed of myself, people look at me including my mother and a look of disgust is on their face. How could I let myself get this far off track. I did it, I eat way too much, I love sweets, I do not exercise regularly, I go on bursts and get a jolt of health and then back to a normal sedentary life and wonder why my life is unsatisfying. I did this to myself with poor choices and nothing will change unless I change it. Im not having surgery, I dont like medicine, I will not shed this overweight unless I do the work and honestly it is easier to comfort myself with bad food choices and start my plan tomorrow and enjoy today.. That is a lifestyle for me and so go figure... I have no one to blame but myself because I dont save money, I dont diet in a productive way, I dont take care of my body, I am not close to God anymore, I dont go to church, I dont do anything but sit here fuming mad about the raw deal I got and just miss my kids. Im a hate monger just like the cantankerous stinkmeaner my kids watch on tv, and at some point you have to stop pointing the finger at others, your luck, your misfortune, your environment and get up and go in a forward positive direction. I get so bent crooked that my state is lethargic and im like a zombie no energy and just wish people would leave me the **** alone, I like to cook and watch french movies, I like to be alone and peace and quiet and alot like a hermit crab. This is rediculous and these are my choices.. I decided to do this and live this way rather than taking positive baby steps each day in the right way which would inspire me to really get in sinq with my plan. Im too fat and embarassed to go the the Y, there is nothing cute about this mess and its easier to just sit her and feel sorry for myself and do nothing and let the years continue to go by.

I was thinking today, if I died and hopefully go to heaven what am I going to say to defend my life compared to other people who have accomplished so much. There is nothing outstanding I have done, I survived a bad marraige to a total creep, who was actually worse to deal with as an x husband so there has been no relief in that situation in 13 years, I did great on my job and have a lot of responsiblity so I am compensated well and thats good news for my x in child support since hes got my sons now in high school, I have been overweight for over ten years- over 300 pounds and have not had that moment where I said no more, I never have lost this weight and made myself and everyone around me miserable because of it, I never wrote a novel, I never have been to Paris or any of the plans I had for myself. All I have done is been in survival mode my entire adult life, just survived and nothing special, Ive done no good deeds or made the world better with my gifts, I havent done a damn thing except raise my children on a squeaking by budget and made do with nothing and kept my head above water. Ive let myself down by not having my priorities in line and eventually I am going to have to answer for my choices. I dont want to be an old woman in my rocking chair if I get to be that lucky and be full of regret because I never had the gumption to lose this weight. It plagued me my entire life, stole my confidence, my self image, my esteem and regard for myself.. I dont want to be ashamed of myself and know that I slacked my life away and I am 40.. Im right in the middle of my life - a single parent, supporting two households and barely scraping by, my stress is at an all time high and Im damn mad and the worst thing I could do is neglect myself and let my health go... so why do I continue to do this to myself... life is hard right now and I wont always be the underdog, not at all, and its time to get out of this stuck moment and really thing long and hard about my life and take appropriate action..

Im going to get out my tony robbins courses
Im going to set some real goals on paper
I just cant stand this situation anymore and the truth is I can hardly stand myself. This is for the birds to feel so rediculously low and bereft when I have so much going for me.
I have so many gifts and blessings and to waste this beautiful life is something I will have to answer for in this life and the next.. I can do better,I know I can.
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:09 PM   #54  
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On binge eating

I have binged here and there have a bad day and go the the store and buy gobs of chocolaty sweets and have at it.. Its always the sweets and Ive been known to knock out a german chocolate cake in 2 days before I start my grand atkins plan. It's emotional eating for me, running for a safe place, feeling comfort, not being deprived and a quick fix where I get what I want when in the rest of my life I dont get anything the way I want it.. I know its harmful to myself to do this but the satisfaction is apparently stronger than my ability to resist. I am afraid to ever get the surgery if it became available in the years to come because of binge eating. Theres a man on our police dept who had the bariatric surgery and then like an idiot had a full steak dinner and ate it all, split out his stitches and bled to death.. He did it to himself knowing full well his stomach could not hold a fraction of that meal and in a moment of weakness whos to say it couldnt happen again. I dont know if I could deal with an emotional crisis and stay away from food.. that is my fix all and that is why Im as big as I am..
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Old 10-13-2009, 12:19 AM   #55  
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I had a great relaxing weekend and got alot done around the house and spent alot of time online which is so enjoyable. I got my fun level to a ten I think which has been nice. I worked hard last week for a 3 day weekend, hugged my dad at the football game Friday night, the boys were over Thurs, Friday, Sat and yesterday for lunch and again today for lunch and dinner so I have cooked a truck load of food for them and been a very happy enjoyable weekend. I have so many blessings, my life is crazy, theres not enough money to go around and im robbing peter to pay paul for now, my account is upside down, ive paid the utiliities and other stuff just has to wait. Actually I have only been more messed up than this one time in my life and im just not letting it phase me. I will not be the underdog forever and sooner then later my world will turn around and be ok again. It helps to know Im not alone and Im sure there are many many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I got out my tony robbins dvds and those are priceless. If you need a jolt of energy to get you moving he is so effective and inspiring!!
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Old 10-13-2009, 12:37 AM   #56  
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*****My LINE IN THE SAND******

Well what I have been doing is not working- playing on the computer, eating alot, not getting any exercise... I have made no progress and gained back what I lost so tomorrow is a new day. Im officially over the half way mark of 40 and I do not want to end this year over 300 pounds. I have just had it with this nonsense and it is just not fair to me. I'm ready to start fresh tomorrow and get on plan and move it move it!!!!
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Old 10-13-2009, 11:25 PM   #57  
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I had a total dose of reality today at work. I did a loan for a borrower who is a mental health therapist. This woman is on commission, on a contract and has 43 appointments a week at $95 a pop. Even if she was the greatest person on earth there is no way she could keep my personal issues straight week in and week out and help me. I have never been to a counselor or been on medicine and maybe I just have a holistic approach to things and certainly some people would need more or less help depending on their situation and their midset but it just really irritated me today. Even this, the most sincere job actually helping people and lending your expertise to help others is a money making for profit occupation. Of course it is, but I just never saw it in black and white until today. I just felt like there is no virtue in this world and were all on our own and everything eventually boils down to money. I thought of how many people I know go to counselors and take meds and I just shook my head in disbelief. In all honesty when I get to feeling very low and in a bad way I call the Billy Graham prayer line. People there are so sweet and they have counselors on the line who will talk to you and visit with you and give you a fresh perspective and they also will say a prayer for you. I actually cried one time because this old man said the sweetest prayer for me like I was his daughter and asked for special care over me. It was so personal and real it just really got to me and these people are vulunteers just wanting to help and make the world better and give a sense of hope.
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Old 10-15-2009, 09:04 AM   #58  
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Well I saw the pictures of the big game in Michigan, my son, his dad and stepm, and its just like an icepic to my heart. It was so mean to leave me out and no apologies from them at all, other mothers and bank officials I work with made comments about how that article was in poor taste and im sure they meant well. I dont know how to get over this. Im paying for this, my x was a total creep and got away with every single thing he did and here I am paying him now and completely strapped upside down for who knows how long now and I feel so cheated and disrespected. I dont know how to get over this, Im the huge big x wife, I dont date and honestly I havent met anyone or even seen anyone I would want to know better. Its a small town and no one new and Im not attractive now anyway. Just down, feeling defeated and in the last 13 years it has just been one let down after another. Everytime I am at the last mile of darkness and things will finally turn around for me in my favor there he is again with his foot out tripping me using these kids. Im afraid for anything good to happen now because it will just be one more disappointment to have to crawl back from. I have to be doing something wrong. My job, the part that I have been in control of is great, I work hard, did good, but the things I didn't initiate and have had to endure have been one blow after another. Im really tired of surviving everything, just surviving is not even a life its just getting by because you happen to outlive the situation. Then my dad on top of it, im the only girl in my family in two generations and no one ever stood up for me or defended me at all. Im just going in circles, hurt and crushed inside and why did I get all these nasty people in my life. I have alot to be grateful for sure but this life is so painful I just need to get myself out of this moment, out of this ugly place and away from hurtful things. My kids have never had a man tell them in my defense don't talk to your mom like that.. Their father talks to me like some jungle savage and thats very upsetting. I thought I was doing the right thing, I was never interested in them having a stepdad because mine was so abusive, I just wanted to protect my kids but now im not so sure that was the best for me. I needed someone to stand by me and defend me and love me and now my kids have learned their behavior and what is normal homelife from their dad and his new family and I feel like I gave up my control now after the fact. I could have had more of an impact on them by living my own life but I wanted to protect them and look what happened. All this anger is eating me up inside and I know it. I have to find a way to deal with my life, it is not at all what I thought it would be. I never dreamed I would be a single mom and raise my kids all alone and be on my own for all this time. I never was without a boyfriend in high school, but now I feel so isolated and an emotional and physical disaster I just have to find my way back somehow.
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Old 10-15-2009, 09:47 AM   #59  
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Wow! Noelle you have a lot of energy and a lot of stress! Its good that you are getting it out in writing! I know that there is a lot of stuff going on with ex and kids and work - but I'm impressed that you're trying to put yourself first! good job making time to work out no matter what your kids say, they aren't trying to understand your point of view - hang in there and keep going forward!
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Old 10-15-2009, 10:34 AM   #60  
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Noelle, I agree it is good to write things out. I myself have been in traumatic situations and they do wound you and I don't personally believe all wounds can be healed with time. I have a few very deep ones that I know will never "go away." I think, personally, that we learn to grow and cope with our wounds and issues and as we do our weight sheds. It is a journey and we literally work on our issues little by little, struggle, but we WILL get there...wherever "there" is lol. I tend to think "there" is where I can look at myself and fully love myself and not feel anger or regret or guilt or sorrow stemming from my own issues. Just love and then I can share that love with everyone.

*HUGS* Putting yourself first is impressive and wonderful for you. I know it seems daunting right now, believe me I think we ALL get that, but I remember a time years ago where I was literally in what I call "darkness." It is a time in my life where things were so bad and so painful that I almost didn't make it through it, if you catch my drift. Now here I am sitting here and I only started loosing weight, for real, in 2008. However, I worked on my inner self for 10 years and yes that might seem like a waste of time to me, but now I see that I have made a TON of progress and now that I'm really working on my core issues my weight is shedding. I'm still struggling, but totally in a better place now.

In 2002, that is when I really started working on my core issues. I personally set up boundaries between myself and my abusive parents. I stood up to them and to this day I only talk to my father via email, my rules, my life. It isn't because I'm cruel, but I know that my step mother would do anything she could to weed herself back in and start her abusive hateful behavior again. So, boundaries were essential for me. To give me room to breathe and work toward my goals! I'm not giving you my background, but it was full of abuse and horrible things. Yet here I am, on this long road, putzing about. One day at a time. You're getting there and doing a ton of work. You're doing great. That is what I think anyhow. *HUGS*
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