I had a heart to heart reality check last night after talking to my mom and I dont want to go through my life being depressed and down no matter what might be going on. This crap has really run its course and I did a little test today, as soon as my feet hit the floor this am I decided Im going to be happy today and not entertain any drama from the folks. Got to work and even put a reminder on my outlook calendar that pops up every hour saying NO! Not today! This day is for me! As in im taking a time out from dwelling on bothersome things and just focusing on what is right, change my state, get a grip, put my priorities in order, tomorrow or the next day I can run it through my brain but not today- this day is for me.. So every time a negative thought or some memory or hear a song that reminds me of my dad or whatever comes on I could feel my triggers going off and getting agitated and I would yell in my mind NO! Not today! and I ended up putting 17 marks down today on my paper. That many times in 8 hours at my desk so what every half hour? I realized that Im obsessed or a co dependent as was mentioned before and all that time and energy handed over is pointless especially when there is nothing reciprocated back to me at all- and I have so much to be happy about. So I made myself change my focus and everytime some bs drama memory popped up I refused to think about it and wrote out things I am genuinely grateful for. My list was long and happy and I had a great day today. I took back my energy and put it where I said it belonged- on my kids. Had a great day today and I made real progress into figuring out how to change and and this little action really did make a huge difference. Im going to do it tomorrow too for my holiday and have a great day. Im young and totally healthy, no pain, I have many family members who really love and care about me and so much to build on. Im happy I sort of woke up today and although Im not going to take any drastic action or eliminate things or people outright I figured out today how to not let those little ankle biters whatever they may be, suck the life right out of you. It feels good to be in charge of my emotions and my thoughts. This is kind of called the tony robbins ten day challenge to allow no negative thoughts for ten days- refocus your attention each time and if you stay in a negative place longer than 2 minutes then you have to start the day over. Kind of like that and completing the ten days they say is life changing. This is my first attempt at it and it made a nice difference for me today.

Stand - Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright



You'll be alright

Chorus:

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand,

Then you stand

2.

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Chorus:

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand,

Then you stand

Yeah then you stand.

Bridge:

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Ooohhh

Chorus:

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand,

Then you stand

Yeah then you stand.


I love this song wow!

Web MD Borderline Personality Disorder - Symptoms

A person with borderline personality disorder often has unstable

relationships, low self-esteem, and problems with impulsive behavior,

all of which begin by early adulthood.

People who have this disorder often have experienced significant

childhood trauma, such as sexual, physical, or emotional abuse;

neglect; or early loss of or separation from a parent. When this trauma

is combined with certain personality traits, such as reacting poorly to

stress or having problems with anxiety, the risk for developing

borderline personality disorder increases.

A common feature of this disorder is fear of being left alone

(abandoned), even if the threat of being abandoned is not real. This

fear may lead to frantic attempts to hold on to those around you and

may cause you to become too dependent on others. Sometimes you

may react to the fear of being abandoned by rejecting others first

before they can reject you. This erratic behavior can lead to troubled

relationships in every area of your life.

People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at

least five of the following symptoms. They may:

Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
*Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating

between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
*Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
*Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant

spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners,

substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or

cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning

himself or herself.
*Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings,

including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings

usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a

day or two.
*Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The

person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without

reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.

Not everyone who has five or more of these symptoms is diagnosed

with borderline personality disorder. For a person to be diagnosed

with any personality disorder, the symptoms must be severe and

must go on long enough to cause significant emotional distress or

problems functioning in relationships or at work.

Symptoms of borderline personality disorder are not caused by

another medical condition or by medicines. And they are not a result

of long-term substance abuse problems. Borderline personality

disorder may be confused with other conditions with similar

symptoms, such as other personality disorders, including antisocial

personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder.

Suicidal behavior
Suicidal behavior is common in people with borderline personality

disorder, with close to 10% of those with the disorder completing

suicide.4 Your risk of suicidal thoughts or attempts increases if you

have depression along with borderline personality disorder. But you

can reduce your risk for suicide by treating symptoms of both

conditions.

Other conditions that commonly occur with borderline personality

disorder continued...
Other mental health conditions commonly occur with borderline

personality disorder and need treatment also. These other conditions

can make it hard to distinguish borderline personality and can

complicate treatment. Conditions that frequently occur with

borderline personality disorder include:2, 1

Depression or other mood disorders (for example, dysthymic

disorder).
Eating disorders, especially bulimia nervosa.
Substance abuse problems.
Bipolar disorder, which is depression with episodes of mania.
Panic attacks or panic disorder.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Other personality disorders can occur in addition to borderline

personality disorder. A few of these conditions include:

Histrionic personality disorder, which causes excessive emotional

reactions, attention-seeking behavior, and dramatic behavior.
Avoidant personality disorder, which causes a person to avoid

interaction with other people, especially if the interaction involves a

new activity that may prove embarrassing.
Antisocial personality disorder, a condition that involves a pattern of

disregard for or violation of the rights of others.



Borderline Personality Disorder - Topic Overview
What is borderline personality disorder?
Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that causes intense

mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and severe problems with

relationships and self-worth. People with this disorder often have

other problems such as depression, eating disorders, or substance

abuse.

Most of the time, signs of the disorder first appear in childhood. But

problems often don't start until early adulthood. Treatment can be

very hard, and getting better can take years. This is because problems

with emotions and behaviors are hard to improve. But treatment may

work better than experts used to think. Most people with severe

symptoms get better over time.

What are the symptoms?
Everyone has problems with emotions or behaviors sometimes. But if

you have borderline personality disorder, the problems are severe,

repeat over a long time, and disrupt your life. The most common

symptoms include:

Intense emotions and mood swings.
Impulsive behaviors that are self-damaging, such as substance abuse,

binge eating, and reckless driving.
Relationship problems.
Low self-worth.
A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned).
Aggressive behavior.
Other symptoms may include:

Feeling empty inside.
Problems with anger, such as violent temper tantrums.
Hurting yourself, such as cutting or burning yourself.
Suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.
Feeling suspicious of others for no reason (feeling paranoid) or losing

a sense of reality.

What causes borderline personality disorder?
About 2 out of 100 people have borderline personality disorder. But

experts don't know exactly what causes it. Problems with chemicals in

the brain that help control moods may play a role. The disorder also

seems to run in families.

Often people who get it faced some kind of childhood trauma such as

abuse, neglect, or the death of a parent. The risk for getting the

disorder is higher when people who had childhood trauma also have

problems coping with anxiety or stress.

Borderline personality disorder is a situational condition most often

caused by significant trauma or sexual, physical or emotional abuse in

childhood. It's found to be the result of a highly unvalidating

childhood environment. It is a learned normal reaction to abnormal

people and the patient must learn new skills as an adult to manage

their lives and relationships.

Treatment includes: Counseling, anger management, exercise for an

increase in seratonin, spiritual training, and as a last resort

medication. Medication is usually not productive for a BPD as it

inhibits the patient from obtaining coping skills to manage situational

stress. It is most often prescribed to a borderline personality disorder

patient to manage depression.

Had an excellent holiday today ~ set my little timer and cleaned my bathroom so nice all the lighthouses and stuff in there but I broke my princess house perfume bottle which ugg those are discontinued so cant get it replaced for half price which pisses me off- I used to sell it and had two of them actually from my sample kits and now both are gone aww. Im so excited for Friday to be in the game again and not upside down and doing without. I made it from April to November and still got my own place, no harm to my credit it all worked out, insurance is in place and all is ok. Its unbelievable how I got that to all come together and it cost me alot of fees in my bank but im back at the starting line now instead of 50 feet below digging out. Im exicted for christmas and being able to unpack all my beautiful things, none of my halloween pretties were ruined in storage so Im hopeful about my gobs of christmas stuff too! It will be nice to get on amazon and shop a little, I love Oscar Wilde hes the leader of the outcasts like me lol and his movies and documentaries are on amazon used and there is a lotion called bloom energy that is the most fabulous smelling wonder ever. It smells like sweet tarts on your skin and it is my absolute favorite silky healthy lotion. Watching cmas, happy as a clam, getting geared up to have some breathing room and buy healthy groceries and get this train a rollin!!!

Ten years ago right now I was 230 pounds, happy and had a hot italian man and going out to the club every weekend dancing and just being young and free and 30. It was the time of my life and I had a life every Friday night when I was on my own and kids with their father and Saturday and Sundays were our special days to be a mommy. Then I got hives right now and gained 70 pounds by christmas on prednisone. With the exception of last summer I spent ten years weighing more than 300 and what a struggle to get that off and I was so happy and felt good last summer, at 270 seeing a glimpse of the old me and so excited to be in tghe mirror again. I made up my mind today that this is it. I can't take anymore of this and Its going to take massive action right now to get myself in line.


I had my last meal tonight just like when we left kiowa court nearly 3 years ago.. Bulgogi, egg rolls, crab rangoon, and some candy. It tasted fabulous, indulgent, dreamy good and I loved every bite of it and tomorrow is the real deal. Im getting my fattt paycheck tomorrow to get in the green and off at noon on Friday the 13th to rock and roll. Its all working out and it feels so great. Its a new day tomorrow and no more bull****ting myself, it is on at 12 pm tonight and when the clock strikes 12 I am stepping into my new healthy life.

Horray for Friday the 13th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am more committed than ever before to go 100% full out on my french low controlled carb plan and if the WHY'S are strong enough you will find a way.

*Because my circulation is so bad in my right leg due to pregnancy vericose veins- it falls asleep no matter what position I am in and will not get any better, only worse. I am at high risk for blood clots and stroke absolutely I learned from my surgery and even had to wear those massagers on my legs post gallstones surgery.

*If I gain any more weight I will not live to be a grandmother. I won't live, I will die. In a casket, with an autopsy and harvested organs, I will be gone and it will be my own fault. I won't be here with my children.

*I cannot get any heavier ever in my life, 360 pounds is a crazy high for me and I am a walking heart attack right now. I am miserable at this weight, I can't stay here and I cannot go up ever for the rest of my life. It has to come off. It is not fair to punish myself by being fat, alone, and sad after everything I have gone through. I love myself and I want to look on the outside how I feel on the inside towards myself in my heart. I am a fabulous, loving sensitive smart and excellent lady and people cannot see me. Im buried alive under obesity. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I dont need to hide my heart away and keep it safe and eat away my feelings. I have survived divorce, humiliation, being a single mother and raising my kids entirely by myself with no man or protector in our house at night, financial devistation, and then the loss of the time with my children and ability to parent them and connect with them to the person who did this to me, it doesnt get much more rediculous than that and Ive lived it. I have survived it all and Im ready to take a huge step and be myself and not conceal myself anymore. Its like you spend so much effort as a young woman to cover up your perceived flaws and fit in and belong and be accepted and conform and at 40 its like an onion completely buried and I cant get these strips away from me fast enough now, I want it all off and gone. I want to be exactly who I am, and my shortcomings make me human and beautiful and real. I'm proud of myself and my life and my career.

*My attention must be on myself and my health now. All of my energy needs to be focused on my health. Im high risk for breast cancer, diabetes and amputations because of my leg.

*Im strong and not riddled by negative relationships any longer. This is my chance to really shine and sparkle and be the superstar I never had the boldness to be until now. I was insecure and completely self conscious even when I was 5'10 and weighed 170 and that is a perfect healthy 25BMI because my family put it to me that I was huge like my mother and my dad was ashamed of me because I wasnt a petite fashion plate, I was a big girl and that didn't go over well. My stepmother told me ..just being honest.. that nobody wants a fat girl.. And in my mind until I could reach that magic shape or weight I did not ever believe anyone loved me until I could be perfect. My dad divorced my mother because she was a big woman after having two children, she was fat.. and he blamed it all on her.. at at 5'9 she never weighed over 180 pounds during their marraige. I grew into a young woman the spitting image of my mother and my self image was ruined before I ever even knew what that was. And I threw away true love because I didnt believe I was lovable, I was never happy just to be me. Never, for one day in my life was I "enough". My glory days were spent in total self doubt and ignorance because I believed what I was told at 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19.. I was always plagued by a crushed self image, and when people mis treated me, I felt like I must deserve it, and I did not have the knowledge or skills to snap out of it, I just ate to soothe my hurt feelings and I have a lifelong habit, crutch and comfort of emotional eating.

*I believe it is not too late for me, I believe I can still get healthy and even wear a halter top or swimming suit. I have emotionally ate my emotions away my entire life and never made any waves out of fear my dad would abandon me, which he has now and Im still here and bright and strong and now I have a mind of my own and can do things my way and no ones opinion matters at all but mine. I have minimized all negative abusive relationships in my life and outlasted all of it. It's truly my time to shine and time to be a total gym rat and blossom.

*The gym or Y is something I can share with my kids too- they're proud of me and love me no matter what I weigh. They are very concerned with my weight though and encourage me to go to the gym again like we used to.

*I can modify every single thing I love to be low glycemic and low impact on blood sugar. Low carb ice cream, dark cacao chocolate, lots of nuts, carob covered nuts or raisins, root beer floats, macadamias, hot cocoa, hot drinks, steak, salad, cheese, brie cheese on cheese crisps with olives or any garnish, I have all the atkins cookbooks, I have the better homes and gardens low carb cook book, I have the french diet cook book, I have it all, I have the carb counter pocket books, I have all the tools, and the sincere drive to do this, and the time. I can have cucumber salad, hot spiced tea, pimento cheese and rinds, jello, pudding, creme brulee, splenda, Im not missing out on food so there is no way to feel honestly deprived.

*I need love in my life, my love story, my special someone, need to feel like a girl, be feminine, sexy, confident, happy and friendly. I shy away from people, I dont like crowds or talking in front of people, I dont like social situations and that is because I am self conscious and insecure in myself. My entire identity is tied up in my weight and size, right or wrong it is, and life works better and I am happier when I am slimmer.

*I will have more money now to buy good food, shop for myself and attend more movies, malls, outdoor things, I can participate instead of just watch and it will get easier and able to be more in the moment as I get healthier.

*I know its corny but I feel very sad for Princess Di because everything that happened to me happened to her too and Im inspired by the way she made the best of it. She lost the upper hand with her children too after the divorce, they stayed behind without her and their relationship was redefined from that time forward and they loved and adored her more. It is hard and at times probably brutal for her but it can be done with strategy. Go to the gym, do the best you can, go with life, get involved, take your place as their mother, participate, be heard, dont conceal how you feel, be tactful and be a lady. Go about your life, your life, and include your children whenever possible as often as possible. I just love her and feel so sorry that she was cheated out of her new life and happiness she found on her own.

*Because I am still me and I deserve to be very happy.

*Because its the springtime of my years and for once I want a massive harvest in the fall, physically,emotionally, spiritually and financially. And we only get so many springs, Im working on my 41st, how wild is that?

*Because I have the means to afford a nicer house, vehicle and travel and none of it is possible without my health.

*Because I want to go to Hawaii and Savannah Ga with my boys!

*Because I still want Paris, I want to travel everywhere and be fit and healthy and open to love.

*It's time for a brand new life, a new road. I have the time, energy and desire to really work on my health.

*I will not go to my sons graduation or senior night over 235 pounds and embarass myself. I was at 260 at my oldest sons graduation and completely mortified, I was embarassed of myself and I know they were too. I will not weigh this crazy weight at 41 years old and I need massive action, a massive new lifestyle and go for it. Don't cheat myself ever again. I was not born to be some beligerant midget hillbillies x wife and and although my history with this person really is ugly and hurtful I am young enough to not be defined by it. There is absolutely time for me to have a happy ending and look really nice and be confident and charming and happy, and in love.

*I control my blood sugar to lose weight and I exercise for the fabulous way it makes me feel: alive, high, alert, elevated senses, the sun feels brighter, I feel part of the world, connected, expected, I love the gym!!!

*I love the eliptical with my headphones on and funniest videos. I love the tingly muscle healthy alive feeling and the total pick me up. Time seems to go slower and loads of energy to have fun afterwards. The sky seems bluer, a rainy day is really no big deal and almost a treat because youre buzzing with energy ~ see whos gonna come out and play today. You can go there alone everyday and fit right in. I love the weights too. I love the little old men in the weight room, they give us hope.

*What I want is to say I'm 42, 43, 44, 45, and 46 and in the best shape of my life.

*To be in the moment, the opposite of self conscious and just live my life. To have an open heart and open to all possibilities. To really be alive. That's why!

Sometimes I feel like I just cant win for losing. My x ran up 900 in chiropractor bills on my son and made these arrangements without consulting me at all. He sent me the bill for half and since my divorce decree says I pay 48% of all medical he filed against me as being in contempt of court. I got that yesterday with the serve person at my door at lunch how rediculous. I have told him for two months that I was not paying it because under joint custody all decisions are to be made together and he completely disregards me outright. His attorney sent mine a letter on 10/28 that I needed to pay this or they would go to court... I received this 3 weeks late in the mail from him yesterday- they said sorry for the delay on the post it- in my mailbox when the freaking sheriff guy was at my door at the same time. I could not believe eyes. And this idiot sat on it for three weeks and never let me know. So in the meantime last Monday before I even knew any of this was taking place, I made arrangements myself with the chiropractor to put any amount that was mine on a bill in my name and send it to me and I would pay them $50 a month. I decided just what the **** and do it because I only have 18 more months to deal with him and neither one of my kids have ever been seriously hurt. It just seemed like the right thing to do out of gratitude for my kids even though my x is completely in the wrong for not including me in the decision to have his spine worked on. My son told me all along anyway that he was going there for a massage and they have a maseusse in that office so I didnt think any thing about it and its not medical either way..


So yesterday I emailed my attorney telling him about how I was served for Dec 3 at my door and about how I had already made arrangements with them so it wasn;t my x's concern now. He emails me back today at 4 saying send me copies of your payments.. I cant pay them until I get paid you fool and I dont have $420 laying around to pay these on the spot right now to save my life. They are going to make me look like some deadbeat in court and that is totally wrong. I just want to give up. I could just lay down on the floor and bawl and I cant because I wouldnt get back up. This man treats me like dirt and Im telling my lawyer he is such a bully and cusses me out in front of my kids and uses any opportunity to color them against me. They are leaving for Michigan State again tomorrow on a ten hour drive for saturdays game, I dont even have groceries right now. I paid everything I had from my bonus to bills and im on zero now and it is brutal to watch them going off for the hundreth time having fun while Im paying for it. And I cant even get the simple things I need to look nice at work and take care of my self. It is mentally exhausting and then he just is laying like a snake to attack me any chance he gets and this dip **** lawyer I have is an older man who wont take a stand and fight on my behalf he just wants me to go along with everything to keep out of court. Thats why he keeps doing this is because I dont have anyone to defend me. It just seems so defeating no matter what I do I cannot get ahead and heres this person out looking waiting for a chance to trip me and cause harm to me every chance he gets. I want to go to court and tell this judge how he treats me and violates the decree all along by his abusive and degrading flippant insults and have a record of his abuse, it will make me feel better even if she says Im wrong and need to pay these bills. I want to know about further medical issues.. Is he not required to consult me at all and a mother or non residential custodial parent is just an ATM with no say so or rights over their child? Thats not what the definition of joint custody says. I dont have two dimes to rub together to go pay a retainer to a new attorney and have him fight this for me. If hes going to drag me into court over it I dont want to pay them becuase as soon as I do he will go looking for the next brick to throw at me.

I look at myself and there is no trace of me here anymore. Im not the person I was when I met him, and all the time in between has been misery, poverty, struggle struggle for every little thing and isolation and feels like I cant trust a living soul. Even my own dad buddies up to him at the foot ball games and it is just an icepick straight into my heart. I cant believe this is my life, It is just surreal and I dont feel like me at all, there is this other person that all these bad things keep happening to and I am tucked far away in here somewhere lost. Its a weird feeling, I am not here anymore because it is too painful. I dont know how to save myself, I dont know how to hold my head up anymore I just have it coming from every direction and sometimes It is just way too much. My whole identity is being a mother and this dirt bag took that from me.

Well I feel better now. I explained to my attorney how I made my decision because of my son and it was before I knew anything about what the X is trying to do.. I told him it was not about the chiropractor bill, it was about abuse and how I am becoming very angry because this was done to spite me. My son is 16 and still growing and he should be at a sports medicine doctor and who made the diagnosis that spinal manipulations are the correct procedure for a 16 year old? He certainly did not discuss this with me and then to send me a bill for $400 for it - I dont think so. I told him there has been no consequences whatsoever for his outright disregard for me and his verbal assaults in front of my kids- meanwhile I have paid every cent to him the judge has ordered me to pay without fail. And the check that he mailed his own payment to the chiroprator on is from my sons account that my child support goes in - he justifies this by saying now they have a college fund ( from mom) and he took that money out of my sons account-- just like gas and travel for all these combines.. He took my kids to Michigan yesterday and did not say one word to me- I found out from my children- and that is against the court order. So I asked my attorney what are my rights- what are my options here because this behavoir continues because I have allowed it. He said of course I have rights and lets visit together on Monday. I want to go to court and tell my judge all about him - I have pages of documentation and how can I drag him to court every time he violates this when Im worried about how do I keep the lights on?? I am so sick to death of this idiot and the judge was so disgusted with him- she had to let the boys go with him because they were 14 but she gave me 4 days a week visitation. She put in the court findings that I was an excellent mother and her decision was based solely on the childrens ages and that they desired to live with their dad in high school.. I would love to see her throw him in jail for a week just to make a point to my boys that you don't abuse women just because you can. He deserves it and it would send the right message to my boys. I just feel like I got through to my attorney and he is geniunely on my side now and interested in helping me. I dont have a retainer fee to go get a vipor from the pit lawyer right now, and the one I have appears to be stepping up. Its such a relief on me emotionally to know Im not alone and now I can be productive and enjoy my weekend.

Made it through Thanksgiving without a pitfall and so grateful for that. I made my grandmothers french canadian meat dressing and bbq baked beans, cherry pepsi salad that I still havent had any and waldorf salad. I havent gained any pounds which is great becuase I did have a little sliver of everything. It just didnt taste that good this year though, very self conscious about my weight and I miss that old feeling of being present, being joyful and in the moment. Im not there now and it seems like Ive just been pummeled one blow after another lately and Im worried and unnerved and feeling like a fish out of water. I set my tree up today and all of my beautiful ornaments made it through three years in storage. I found the cross my grandma gave me from my grandpas funeral packed in carefully with my christmas things and that got me good because I thought I had lost it somehow. I unpacked her little needlepoint wicker basket she had when she was a little girl, I bawled like a baby because it was hers and she gave it to me and again I thought I had lost it somehow and Im so careful with everything that is sentimental like that. I was bawling like a baby in my kitchen overjoyed that I found her little basket and I still have this special thing that my grandma gave me. I miss her so much I would do anything to talk to her and my grandpa, there just has not been one day I havent missed him since he passed away. Just one of those people so special and so essential in your life, they were the bricks that build me and my stability all my life, they were the one thing that was constant and loved me unconditionally. They make up a hundred fold for any thing that ever might have gone wrong for me and I am so lucky and grateful to them. All I can do is smile and remember how they loved me and they knew absolutely what they meant to me and that is the sweetest feeling to have now after all these years.

I took to heart what my friends on here explained to me about my dad, I decided I wasnt going to indulge in the awkward heartache of being rejected again with each holiday as it goes by. I called my dad to wish him a happy thanksgiving, I told him as soon as my boys got here I would send them over with some apple salad I made because its his favorite, I told him I loved him, he wanted me to have a great holiday and he loved me too and that was the end of it. I was proactive and did what I thought was the right thing to do and went on with my day and enjoyed it. When I reach out to my dad and he rejects me, or they have dinners with my children and exclude me , or things like that what I hear back from him is no one will ever love you. I realize Im way too old to be emotionally dependent on my father but it is my first gut reaction and the honest feeling and emotion that comes over me. As soon as I can get my life on track and be more financially stable Im going to go to a counsellor for the first time in my life. I see it now as something for me, to help me cope with things that are too difficult to just endure and outlive. That is the mentality i have now and maybe that is not the right approach. It felt good to keep my power and my energy though, I did what I felt right about and the **** with everyone if they dont like it. Also my kids saw me reaching out and doing something positive instead of being sulky and indifferent when it comes to that situation. I withdraw and become walled off because it is so painful and thats not good because I detach from my kids too when I dont mean to. I just cant go from hot to cold and it felt good to be proactive and let my kids see my character and that I might think my family is all a bunch of jerks and completely wrong but im dealing with it. I was proud of myself for showing kindness instead of being upset. Im amazed how many people do low carb plans on here and all the fabulous success stories. It makes me totally fired up and so excited to take it up a notch. I used to be met with nothing but negative comments and warnings about Atkins but now that his diet findings are so true its wonderful to have so much support and people who are so committed to being healthy. I really love this group and times when I feel very defeated and like I will never be healthy or proud of myself again -- I read about someones incredible story and transformation and new life and It is so uplifting. I have come to realise since I have been a member here that life is never going to calm down enough or be perfect or in line enough for the right forecast to start or maintain your diet plan. Its been a rough year and I did everything to comfort myself in the storm except get down to the nuts and bolts of actually following my plan and making healthy choices. Its never going to be perfect weather for success, and if it is it wont last long thats life, just gotta get committed to this and follow through. Im 60 days out from total relief, no matter what Ill get my tax return and be good to go regardless of anything and I want to roll into that moment strong and on my way already. I dont want to crawl into the light barely breathing, I want to skate into the new year and better times strong and being a workout diva and making the best of every day.. I imagine myself jogging through the sunny park and I see the finish line and waterfalls and balloons and my kids at the place cheering me on happy for me deciding to take care of myself and I imagine myself punching my troubles down as I go by, keep jogging, keep smiling, keep your eyes on the prize and up pops my x husband and his bs pow, up pops my stepmother and my dad and that hurtful feeling and anticipation of beind shunned in front of my kids at christmas for the 3rd year in a row pow, my sister sort of happy that Im having troubles so she can shine for once pow, my brother kind of irritated with me for our family situation because the folks would never lie to him and the problem must be me pow, my coworkers who get on my nerves being catty pow, bills piling up and I know I have to think smart and deal with them but not be immobile and feel defeated until I get some relief pow, my x taking me to court next week for a huge bill he ran up for my son and thinking im going to pay half without ever being consulted at all pow, the judge might rule in his favor and tell me he can do whatever he wants but I doubt it pow, Im just sick of being idle and standing by and surviving everything and not being a part of life. This year of being 350 pounds has been the lonliest most isolated time of my life and I have felt deep real depression like never before. Its one thing to be fat and sassy but to be embarassed of yourself and whats the use of doing my hair nice or dressing nice Ill still look like **** no matter what, people dont make eye contact and that feeling or tacit attitude from others that Im a lost cause.. Its been very hurtful and I dont ever want to feel this way about myself again. Men dont look at me at all, I dont even resemble myself and Im too embarassed for anyone to see me like this so I dont go anywhere but to work. Its a sad isolated way to live and Ive had a taste of it this year and I dont ever want to feel this way about myself again.

My tree is up and lit and sparkling in the dark tonight, its almost happy new year and almost tax return time where everything works out, my oldest son is coming over to spend the night when he gets off work, my youngest is on his way back from Univ of OK game today with his dad invited by the scouts, I have so much to be thankful for, as hard as its been on me and my boo boo heart I have much to be grateful for and its good to realise that I dont have time to waste any longer. My health is happiness and self esteem and a healthy weight are the most important things and that has never been more clear to me than this year.

Did great today and I was watching dr drews show on vh1 earlier and there is a segment where a man is in talking to the therapist and he said something that really got to me. He told the patient that he was in charge of the little boy inside and it was his job to protect him. That every time he acts out in his addiction he is tramatizing the little boy all over again. It was a simple truth that made so much sense. Am I 200 pounds overweight because of a food addiction and using food to comfort me and protect me. Yes. My weight is in a way a barrier a sheild of protection so that no one can get close enough to hurt me. I eat away my fears and hurts and then hide behind the weight wanting to be loved. Its a cycle that never ends and yes that really rang loud and clear. How do you merge the two mindsets together, protect your true self and let that person shine by taking care of yourself and melting the weight off so that that person is visable and present. I think that is very true with me, all these hurtful things have happened to this fat lady, I dont even resemble myself and it makes it easier becuase If the real me was exposed and had to endure abuse and betrayal from my immediate family I would be so wounded it would kill me inside. Thats exactly how I feel, we do things and put on layers to self protect but pretty soon the authentic person is buried alive. It really made so much sense today.

Did great today and followed through. My boys were here for dinner and they loved the house decorated so pretty for Christmas. All my ornaments and special christmas stuff made it through storage and nothing was broken, all the fiber optic stuff works and Im so happy. Our house is warm and cozy and a little touch of santa in every room. My oldest son went in his room and went to sleep after dinner and he was feeling a little warm, I made him hot tea and babied him a little checking his temperature and he was so funny like gawd mom stop but really it was sweet and I checked his forehead when he was asleep and he saw me leave the room. It was especially nice to be mommy tonight and things might be rough day to day for me but when they are here it is transparent and our house is sweet and cozy and sparkly and they love it. I set my christmas village up in my room on the cedar chest with snow and lights and my puppy -- I put him up on my bed on his blanket and he loves to take his nap in there all toasty with the little village lit up in the dark. I just love christmas and its really special this year. One year ago I was up in a tiny little room at my moms, losing my marbles terrified of turning 40 living at home when I had always been self supporting all those years. It was a beast, I watched movies all by myself in that little room and missed my kids and hated my circumstances and totally angry. Now its a total 360, my life is totally restored and yea things might be a day late and a dollar short every day but I can have my moments of meltdowns in the privacy of my own home and the peace and quiet and calm and total absolute freedom is so unbelievably healing and uplifting and wonderful. I am so glad I just did what I had to do and made this happen. Its been one of the hardest years of my life but it has also been one of the best for me and pride in myself and proof that I am always going to come back swinging. What a relief to have a stressful day and come home and lock the door and shut out everything and just chill. I can remember getting off work and bawling because I needed an out, I couldnt go from the pan to the fire every single day and needing a place to unwind and center myself and there was no where to go. I know what it feels like to have no home and no control over anything, it shook me more than I ever imagined it would and I would go drive around the cemetary just for a wind down from my day before going over to my moms. That feeling of being tolerated out of obligation and making the most of it but wish you could leave.. being a nuisance and tacitly resented, ugg it was very uncomfortable and hard on my pride and my emotions. I am so grateful for this life and this house and this year and a chance to show everyone up and be a mom again in my own home and make my own rules. Im so grateful, so totally appreciative of this because I know what it felt like to have it all crumble and pulled out from under me. Its a new day and no matter what happens in court this week I will face it and deal with it.

Hi Noelle,

Sorry I was MIA for a while....got caught up with multiple family situations, etc. Wanted to let you know I'm back and see I have quite a few new posts of yours to read and catch up on here.

So....let me spend some time reading all your new posts and catching up here. Looks like you started Atkins in early November? Can't wait to read about how that's been going for you. Will write a longer reply when I get caught up on all your posts I missed.

deena

What a day! Everything blew over and my case was dismissed so I am so relieved because I did not want to go and do this tomorrow. I had my attorney put a clause in our agreement stating that we had to consult each other prior to a medical appointment unless it was an emergency and their dad signed it. So this will not happen again and I am so relieved and happy to have some solid ground. Then the excellent news..


my son came over to tell me tonight that he is going to join the Navy. This is what I have always wanted for him since he was a little boy and I hadn't said much in the last 24 months because I wanted it to be his idea entirely and it was. I am overjoyed for him, I asked him to wait until his second semester is over in college this spring before he makes this huge decision and signs with a recruiter but his mind is made up and he is so excited. We were all over navy.com tonight and I just am so proud of him. I could not ask for more in a son and yes I am really scared to send my baby off into the world but what better place to be. Our whole family is navy and Im just really proud of him. It turned out to be a great day. I told him if he gets stationed in Norfolk Im moving to Va Beach as soon as my younger son finishes football season next year and that is that. We have family out there anyway and I had a job lined up in Va Beach when they were little that I passed on and now wow wouldnt that be fabulous. He was so happy to hear that. What a nice surprise and I could not wish anything more for him.

I have been walking around with tears in my eyes for two days. Mommie is overjoyed and thrilled that her baby is going to be a sailor. It's my dream come true for my son, I've wanted this for him and hoped he would go in the Navy since the minute he was born and now that he is.. Its crushing my weak poor little heart. Awwww I am so feeling banannas right now. And its because he is leaving me, my one and only safe place where I feel like me when hes around me, the world is calm and still and peaceful when Austin is around me and my world is right. It feels like hes leaving me behind with all these freaks and he's taking all my sunshine with him. Is this how moms feel, Is this how my grandma felt when her sons went into the Navy right out of high school. My grandma had a special relationship with her oldest son too they were very close and he just adored her. My son has been here every night to talk to me all about his plans, and what car he is going to want a camaro to drive home in and wanting to take me on a tour of an air craft carrier when he gets to Norfolk because that is where he wants to be stationed along with his cousin who is also already there. I am so happy for him, to be young and full of hope and dreams and the whole world is one big adventure and its all laid out in front of him like a red carpet and what could be safer than the Navy. My dads ship the USS America was in the water all over the world for 35 years and never had any attack or hits at all before it was decomissioned and sunk. It was in ports all over the world from the Mediterranean to the Persian Gulf to Panama and Mexico. I know he will be fine and I am thrilled to sort of live out my own one regret through him but wow this is going to hurt and many tears of joy are on the way and its going to be hard to let him go and be his own person. I love my baby son to pieces but me and Austin are thick as thieves and he loves his mama. Just filled with emotion and also so much pride. This is such a blessing and I even prayed and said thank you but mom is already having her spells of boo boo tears..

Hi Noelle,

I'm so happy for you.....and also glad to see you really happy. After all the recent aggravation you had to go through with the ex and the court/medical bills, etc....it's great to see good things happening for you. I'll tell you...having lived 57 years now....when I'm going through some really depressing and disheartening days...I always tell myself that something good will happen and that it's right around the corner....and sure enough, it does. That's how life is....if you hang in there....good days arrive again.

I already told you I lost my youngest son, right? My other two sons are 29 and 25....and about 6 years ago, my oldest son moved to NYC (I live in Delaware) and I felt a huge sense of loss at the time. But we're still close and many of my fears were unfounded. And now my 25 year old son is planning to get a place with his girlfriend. Of course, I'm quite a bit older than you are but I'll tell you....as you get older, it's comforting to know that your children have their own lives. There comes a point when that does become comforting, believe it or not. I was actually starting to get a bit worried about my 25 year old....but he suddenly got a girlfriend and is moving up in his job and finally making plans for his own life...and it's a huge relief to me, I've realized.

When your children grow up and get their own lives, it opens up a whole new chapter in your life....and in theirs. Now....I'm involved in planning a wedding, hoping for grandchildren, having relationships with my soon-to-be daughter-in-law and my other son's girlfriend. It's almost like I'm gaining two new daughters....not losing two more sons. You'll see....having your sons grow up and get their own lives will enhance your own life and you won't be losing anything. If you've always been close....you'll still be close. That will never change.

How are things going with the Atkins program? If you need any help or advice, just ask. I'm not an expert by any means, but I know the Atkins diet inside and out, pretty much....as it's my diet-of-choice....and I have tons of personal experience with it.

deena