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Old 09-26-2009, 08:27 PM   #31  
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I was in such a dark spell last night and decided that I can do better. Decided to shake things up a little bit because this is it and if I am going to change my psychology and make positive changes I need to be taking baby steps in the right direction.. For today I decided to literally count my blessings and begin starting my day by giving thanks.. Its as simple as naming ten things every morning just like counting your fingers.

My kids I am so grateful for and our relationship and how the include me in the little moments and things they share with friends

My family - we might not see eye to eye all the time but I am so grateful for a place to belong and prople who have my back

My own home - that is a big one! I dont always have to be on top of the world and when I do need a time out and time to reenergize myself I can do it alone and come home and shut the door and do my own thing. That is such a blessing after having lived without that luxury for an extended time'

My health- im miss chubbs but I have no pain and I can get up and go do anything in this world I want to'

My job- at times I hate it because it is draining and difficult but it affords me the luxury of living the way I want to and I can do all the hobbes I am interested in because of my compensation, its worth the headache and there are so many people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat and I know that. It puts it in perspective

My jeep, my wheels and sunroof for sweet summer nights and all the places we can go and fun we can have. I love it and its the best vehicle I have ever had and it is the first and only vehicle I bought and paid for my self with the help of no one.

My friends old and new and the sweet memories we have and good times growing up

Grateful for my grandparents and the impression they left upon me. Their love has kept me grounded and stable though some very trying moments in my life. They have been gone for so long but it is their love that kept me from giving up because I knew and still do that I am from good stuff and I can handle anything that comes my way, I will always find a way to figure it out.

My laptop even! **** yea! Im so happy I bought this for myself and its been wonderful keeping in touch with old friends and having fun

For my body and 5 senses, that I dont have a real impairment or challenge like so many people do. All the joy and experiences that I have been blessed with and being happy and healthy. Im so grateful for that.
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Old 09-26-2009, 08:30 PM   #32  
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I also bought myself a little kitchen timer and am into the fly lady messages.. Do a 5 minute drill in the house and in little baby steps in each room each day builds and helps you keep a tidy and fun house. Its a great website and the little bursts of cleaning really do add up and in 5 to 8 minute increments you really can make a huge difference in a tiny bit of time. It keeps your home from being a ball and chain and you are in control of it.. I love it!
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Old 09-27-2009, 11:27 AM   #33  
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Im happy I got a brand new day to create new memories. Its going to be 85 here this afternoon and planning a nice sunny walk - an afternoon siesta because Im going to work today - i was out sick Friday so there will be **** to pay for sure.. Grateful for fall mild weather, grateful that my kids are happy and healthy, grateful that I am surrounded by family who love me - my mom and sister, all my nieces, and my kids. Some relationships can be improved but I do have a support system and love, grateful for my heart that has kept going for 40 years without a break and not held me back from anything, grateful to be an american and my great grandparents who immigrated here from germany, france and switzerland as children to a better life and all of us take this great life for granted and it wasnt luck at all, thankful for great friends, great memories and a chance to be here and participate in life.. right now.. today.
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:03 PM   #34  
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Hey Noellem. I've really enjoyed reading your thread. Seems we have a lot in common...I too am a mid-west girl, 40 something, was 300+ something pounds, and have a couple of sons.

Anyway, I just wanted to say HI, and encourage you to keep up the good fight. I've been were you have been, and I fought my way out. I hope that you will too. It is SO worth it.
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Old 09-27-2009, 10:10 PM   #35  
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Thank You Lori! Its wonderful you're down to your last ten how cool!!! Good for you

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Old 09-28-2009, 11:32 AM   #36  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noellem87 View Post
I also bought myself a little kitchen timer and am into the fly lady messages.. Do a 5 minute drill in the house and in little baby steps in each room each day builds and helps you keep a tidy and fun house. Its a great website and the little bursts of cleaning really do add up and in 5 to 8 minute increments you really can make a huge difference in a tiny bit of time. It keeps your home from being a ball and chain and you are in control of it.. I love it!

This is really a great plan! For some reason a clean house makes it much eaiser for me to stay on plan. Something about clearing away the clutter from the house, helps to clear the clutter from the mind. Matter of fact my first form of excercise was cleaning my house from top to bottom.

I'm very excited for you. I can't wait to hear all your progress reports.

Last edited by Lori Bell; 09-28-2009 at 11:36 AM.
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Old 09-30-2009, 01:20 AM   #37  
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Im being totally tested. Have followed my food mover and not over eaten at all since I started on Monday morning but my nerves are really frazzled and it would be so easy to just cave and totally comfort myself with sweets. Its emotional eating that gets me in such trouble. My job stress is a 7 but my kids, my heart stress is a 12 and Im just waiting for my life to start, Im waiting for my turn and I feel so cheated I could just come unglued. I pay this rediculous amount of child support to a total jackass who tries at every attempt to turn my kids against me. Its a game as old as time, one person feels guilty down deep for bad things they have done so they keep the attention on someone else to divert it away from them. I never did anything deliberately to hurt anyone and he makes me out to be so defective. Im the heavy x wife and I should be even worse off considering everything. I just dont give in to this despair when it hits like now.

My youngest son is invited to michigan state for football recruitment meetings and just a junior this year but its time. I can't afford to do anything while Im a single parent supporting two households and so they are all going - my son, his dad, his uncle, and his step mother- of course the x had to rub that in.. and I cant do any of this. No one even asked me if I would like to go but that would be like the earth spinning backwards anyway but sure I woulde love to go. Its so hard to be on the outside and miss out on all these moments that I wont ever get back. I have never cried on anyones shoulder about my husband being a creep and doing what he did to our family and then marrying her on top of it. Im in a small town and everyone knows and I had the balls to stay right here and face it and not run from it although times I could just curl up and die. My white knight never came to save the day and it has been pretty unbearable at times.

My dad and stepmother hated my x forever.. they could not stand him.. so when all this happened I had to move in with them until I could get on my feet. It was a total disruption to their lives because my kids have crazy schedules and never knew if they would be there or on time or if they had practice etc, typical high school schedules but they werent used to it. They have their perfect little life and big fancy house and no worries.. and here I came with my life undone thinking at least I had a safe place to fall.. well that was a nightmare waiting to happen becuase she and I never really got along to start with because she always instigated trouble and then lied her way out. I was crazy to go over there and everyone told me not to it was not a good idea but I had nowhere else to go at the time. So things came to a head after 3 months and she got me alone away from my dad and picked a nasty fight with me and I knew what she was doing- it was one last attempt to make things right between us and if this didnt work she was going to get me out of the picture for good- I did not argue with her or egg her on and she kept going and going until finally I told her people with no kids have no business taking care of other peoples children.. well then she went straight upstairs and told my dad like a robot- she set me up and I gave her ammo and she played her card.. so i left and stayed with my mom for the next 14 months with no drama and I wrote my dad a letter saying I just couldnt make sense out of our relationship and it was so hurtful from the time I was a child and I just not nothing from this but pain and I didnt know what else to do but let go. That I hoped he would make time for me but I didnt count on it and I didn't know what else to do...

well he wrote me back a letter saying they were making a new relationship with their grandsons, my children, and that life would go on.. I have taken a life time of abuse from this woman and finally after years and years of staying silent and being the good girl and not doing anything to upset my dad for fear he wouldnt love me-- well it all happened and they cut me loose. They are very close to my x and his wife, they all sit together at the ball games, he has slipped up and told me things that are private that my step mother has discussed with his wife about me-- for gods sake they talk about me behind my back and my x wins if he can act like a total jerk towards me and have my fathers blessing. I feel like I have been chewed up and spit out by everyone I loved, I dont trust a living soul with the exception of my boys and even that relationship has become lighter since they have not been under my roof these last 2 years. Our home and our life was blown up and I am so angry and resentful and then this bs with my dad, the one person who should look out for me above everyone else.. its such a heart ache I just cant bear it sometimes. My dad has always been my idol and my hero and I just cant get those feelings back now. I think at times he would like to be a close family again like we used to be -- he did come and sit next to me at a football game a couple of weeks ago and its so strained I was happy and polite but I didnt really know what to say to him now. It was so crushing to have to let go and accept the fact that they didnt want me, and now I cant undo this shield around my heart to warm up to him again. Im so distraught over this it just really hurts. Hes 66, he wont be here forever and Ill never get this time back that we have lost and I dont know how to fix this and I really dont think its my place to anyway.

My stepmother is a total snake and she even helped my x husband divorce me and then lied about it. We have never been on good terms she has daggers for me as long as I can remember because Im just like my mom and she has no children so Im the other woman in her world and she acts on the sly and then clever enough to conceal it from my dad. She told me one time that when my dad dies shes going to have it closed casket so no one but her can tell him goodbye.. I told him that when all this happened and she denied it and it got turned around on me.. I wish shed get hit by a bus right along with my x but I could never get that lucky and sometimes Im happy my grandparents arent here to see this. They couldnt stand her either and they would have been disgusted with my dad for letting this happen to our family---but she is the breadwinner and what she says goes and he just has to keep peace in the house I guess..

They go on vacations with my kids and dont tell me, they take them to lunch on sundays or have them over for dinner and dont include me, theyve had 2 christmases now without me and what does that say to my children. They dont understand how grandma can be so nice... and it must be me that cant get along with anyone.. it must be me and theyre confused and dont know what to think. Shes got everything just the way she wants it and im seething mad and if we do run into each other I am nice, cordial, and completely indifferent because Im not going to let anyone know how much they have hurt me. I would never in a million years do anything like this to my kids, they make me sick and here I am huge and unhappy and strugglign with my weight and trying to find my way out of this place and make a new life for me.

Sometimes I just wonder do I have something about me that says kick me? How did I manage to get all these characters who are up to no good in my life in one lifetime. Im pretty mellow and not confrontational or aggressive for the most part. I just dont have that vindictive up in your face gene like they do and I have no desire to be that way. I just couldnt treat people like this and this is my family. One day I will be a grandmother and she is going to push her way and exclude me from my own family and my dads going to go along with it just like he does now..

I would like to throw her off a cliff and then I feel bad for feeling that way too because I believe in right and wrong and judgment. People dont get what they deserve, that is just lip service to make you feel better but this really weighs heavy on my heart and the truth is if I was slim and trim and happy and had someone really special again in my life I would not want her anywhere near me. Never again to cause so much trouble and when we were married my x hated her too... but now hes not such an unsavory guy if my dad socializes with him.. I see them all sort of using each other to hurt me and its working.. My step mother is happy as a clam to be sticking it to me like this and rubbing it in my face in public and then having permission from my x to have events with my kids on his time without me-- its spiteful at its worst and he gets vindicated so its win win for them.. I could just spit nails out of my eyes.. I act like Im not phased or upset when I have to see them at sporting events but really I do very much. Isn't this crazy and no wonder I weigh a freaking ton. I just want my life back and they can all do the next thing.

All I can say is managing my food and trying to be healthy gives me a sense of control and sometimes that is all I have to hang on to. I found when I was really going to the gym daily and getting that profound stress relief I noticed that I needed it and craved it. I would have a rough day at work and could not wait to get in the gym and focus my mind entirely on something other than what was upsetting me or stressing me out. I love that feeling and I just have to figure out how to take this situation that is so hurtful to me and use it to better myself. All my energy is used right here, thinking about it, analyzing it and feeling hurt and crushed and completely betrayed and how do I turn this around and use it to help me get my health in order and take good care of myself and live a happy life..
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Old 09-30-2009, 10:40 PM   #38  
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Im having quite the time training my puppy. Hes just been with us for a month and just not getting it. I hate leaving him locked up but even though I take him out at least every hour in the evening he still is squatting and having accidents.. I know he's a good by just gotta get this down and fast!!

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Old 10-01-2009, 01:44 AM   #39  
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so my mom comes over today after work.. my x put a huge write up in the paper about my youngest son and his football accomplishments and how he got invited to a d1 school and their family was taking a trip this weekend to get him there. His dad and stepmother made long commentaries about how excited they are and how hard hes worked and it was a really nice article. Just one thing missing-- there was no comment from me- his mother. No one bothered to tell the reporter or me that there was an interview to go on the front page of the paper.. So it's released and about 15 people at the bank my peers and cooworkers are sending me messages saying congrats I must be so proud and but... it's very tacky and unprofessional for the paper to exclude a parent... well the paper never knew because that idiot didnt tell them. I was so humiliated and hurt.. I called the paper and talked to the editor and said im sure it wasnt intentional but that should never have gone in the paper without getting a statement from his mom.. they apologized and offered to reprint the article and I declined because my son said not to embarass him and that it really was none of my business ( imagine that ) and that he didnt need comments in the paper from his mom, it was about him..

so im upset, my mom adn sister are mortified at the lack of tact and disrepect towards me from my son and his stupid dad and she starts in about how im so huge.. saying if she doesnt say anything it would be like it was ok.. I just had to break it down for her and she doesnt get it.. you dont need to tell me anything about my weight, I just need my mom sometimes for a safe place to belong. My job kicks my ***, my kids break my heart and here she comes telling me ive never been more huge or looked worse and what am I doing about it.. I dont need anyone else making me feel worse than I do and it just makes me feel defeated all the way around. Im already trying to dig myself out of this hole and doing it the right way on a healthy eating plan and being consistant and here she is shoveling it down deeper.. I was really upset and do you not think I know Im not healthy, when have I never not been on a diet and its not like I dont care and just let myself go. Its like the sky fell in today and I felt myself ready to snap, my emotional limit was tapped and I could have just lost my cool today and went off and instead I took action and stayed composed, instead of telling my son off I just said that was the ugliest thing he has ever said and my feelings were so hurt that I did not want to talk to him anymore tonight. He didnt apologise either and his dad is over there running me into the ground and im the bad guy and I didnt do a damn thing. I could have ordered pizza or went and got a bunch of junk and gorged my hurt feelings down and then felt so bad... but I didnt I got on here and talked it out and grabbed a water and refused to disrespect myself on top of the events of today. The paper offered to do a follow up interview with me next weekend after his trip and honestly I feel like telling them.. well my son and his father told me that his football endeavors are none of my business so no comment.. that would teach him a lesson and have a consequence for being so nasty but I wouldnt embarass myself like that. I just could not believe the awful manners today.. the president of my bank says to me congratulations on your son - (and they sent hoards of contributions to this football team) and that is was poor taste of the paper to not include a comment from me as well.. I didnt have the heart to say well it wasn't the paper this is typical behavoir from my x husband like I dont even exist..
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Old 10-01-2009, 12:41 PM   #40  
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Hey, I have an idea of what to say to your Mom the next time she comments on your appearance. Why don't you Thank her for her love and support. Ask her nicely (with the same respect you wish your son would show you) what her advice is...ask her opinion. Vigorously agree (whether you do or you don't) and give her a hug of thanks. Show her you appreciate that she cares. After all, isn't that all you what from your own kids? Good ol JC got it right when he said, "Do unto others".
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:26 PM   #41  
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Noel - I see you have a hound and hounds are very stubborn. We adopted a 2.5 yr old beagle who was not potty trained. It took us 3 months of good solid work. His bladder hadn't been trained and neither had his mind.

Puppies can only hold their bladders for about 2 hours but adults can hold it for longer but it does take them training their bladders as well as willingness.

Hounds in general (I can't tell if you have a beagle or a basset) are very food motivated. Bassets can be a bit more stubborn though. When they do go outside, give them lots and lots of praise! We've had our beagle for over a year and everytime I see him go potty, I still praise him (no treat but praise). When they initially go outside, give them treats and praise.

I never did it but I have known people to put the dog on the leash whenever the dog is out until the dog is potty trained. What we did is limited the area where our dog was allowed to go so that he couldn't go out of our sight and go potty.

There were some mistakes and as I said, it took us 3 months with an adult dog. Hounds can be stubborn and some of them can have weaker bladders. It can be done though.

Here are some great tips from a dog rescue on potty training:
http://www.paw-rescue.org/PAW/PETTIP...setraining.php
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Old 10-01-2009, 10:48 PM   #42  
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Thank you guys I still love my mama even if she gets all sideways sometimes it helps to have a good frame of mind to start with so not to feel cornered and defensive. My sister said she must have left her house and came to mine because she couldnt get a fight out of her lol so she left.. ha im sure my kids will be irritated to no end with me too someday..

yes my little guy is a basset hound and he is actually my 2nd to raise. Bassets are stubborn and hard to train but he is so sweet and good natured I just love him to pieces. Hes brought alot of joy to my life in just the short time hes been here with me so far and im so happy hes here. Hes just like a baby , loves to be carried and held and rocked and he also bites feet and chews on anything in sight.. Hes brought fun and good times back and I was very lonely before here by myself because my kids are gone so often.. Im hanging in there & my friend at work brought me a bunch of books she has on puppy training which was nice

well my mister smarty mouth son was backing out of his girlfriends driveway and ran his truck up over the retaining wall so the back of it is hanging off uo in the air. Hes fine but his dads over there now and theyll need a tow truck to get that off and hopefully not too much damage. He was backing up to come over and see me before his big trip tomorrow night. I couldnt help but look up at the full moon tonight and wink and laugh- I wanted to give him 55 karate chops last night for what he said to me and I held my tongue and stayed composed and look karma kicked his little hiney for me tonight. He shouldnt be nasty and ugly to his mama and in private this serves his little butt right lol
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Old 10-02-2009, 11:49 AM   #43  
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Well this week I have followed my foodmover and not overeaten at all. I have worked in ice cream and even a little bit of sweets under fruit, dairy and extras and have lost 3 pounds. I can't believe Im eating carbs and losing weight this is a total 360 to see it working. I know its all about moderation and here's the proof but it really is fabulous to be "in" life. To not feel deprived and Im participating again instead of waiting for someday when Im skinny and eating all protein and not much else and craving sweets so much go off the deep end. Im feeling very good today and anxious for the game tonight and then decorating for halloween this weekend..
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Old 10-02-2009, 03:34 PM   #44  
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*It’s taken me a moment to work through this and arrange my feelings so I am able to process it. My son and his dad and his step mother and leaving tonight for his biggest adventure ever and there was no mention of me in him sharing his news in the article. I was so hurt and felt humiliation and loss and anger. I held my tongue and wrote a thank you to the editor and expressed my pride in my son. My employer is a huge supporter of the team and so me being publicly disrespected did not go over well at the Bank where I work at all. People have actually apologized to me for my xs total disregard for me and here I am paying for all of this. My life is on hold while I pay all this money so they can go showboating all over the place and he doesn’t match my support and put it aside for the boys. Its just skate city for him and he is married and I am a single mother supporting two households so yes I feel entitled to be really aggravated with him. But this ice pick in my heart from them is not helping me at all. I can’t go around with tears in my eyes and feeling so sad.

So here’s where I talk myself through it…

*If I had girls and this was a ballet recital or dance team competition huge event and I was being left out I would not be able to cope with that. I would lose my marbles for someone else to take my place with my daughters.. Its not that bad

*Someone has to do my sons recruiting for him, I certainly wouldn’t know how to navigate that and that is what a dad is supposed to do. He sharing a huge event with his son and proud of him and he has used maybe not his money but his time definitely and taken our son all over to his football combines and now a d1 college is really looking at him and this is the result and the purpose of all these combines to start with.

*His stepmom is only going because she is from Michigan and they are making a weekend of it so she can see her family. She normally doesn’t attend all of his stuff like I do because she has her own kids.

*My insecurities are being completely amplified and it hurts but there is another way to look at it… I see it.. but he is my baby and I want to share in all of this too and I can’t, at least not now.

*I feel like my life has been one trap and mountain to climb after another and there is never a minutes peace. I get 5 feet away from the finish line to peace and harmony and here comes another problem and its usually their dad whos got his foot out to trip me. I don’t want to be one of those people who people look at and say wow she lived a hard life. I don’t want to be that person. They say that about my mom and I want to be a survivor and happy and social and sunny. I don’t want to be a dark cloud of doom and gloom that people are not receptive to. I am that sometimes and I know there is a better way. I used to be that sunny fresh bright girl and I married way too young and picked a man who was a foot shorter than me and had two children together. He had that short man syndrome and everything was and still is a total fight and competition as he will not give an inch and its his masculine pride he is fighting me about. For him to give into a woman is unacceptable and so when I am the least bit aggressive he is totally threatened and there we go to this day.. Those dynamics have never changed and we have been divorced since 1997. I did this, I made my choice and it was wrong, but I love my kids and I don’t want to be defined by a bad marriage and depression. I never wanted to be with him after we got married and I saw what a total mismatch we were together, it just hurt to lose my family and coming from a broken home myself it violated all of my core beliefs and was really very hard to get over. But I made that choice and my choice was wrong. I have to keep saying that…

*My life might have turned out a little different than I planned but it is still my life and it is still good. I am proud of myself and I have done well for myself or else none of this would be possible anyway. I love my kids with all my heart and I know they love me. I am moving past the hurt feelings and towards excitement for my son and I’m feeling better now. I’m going to the game tonight and supporting my son of course and I’m almost ready to have an honest smile on my face. I don’t like his dad, I don’t think he is a nice person and for me to expect him to act in a different way than he does is really me not accepting the reality of the situation. My kids have a stepmother and she happens to be the same woman my x cheated on me with and lied all through the divorce and ran up to her as soon as it was over for comfort. It aggravates me to my core and what can I do? Nothing. I can’t do one thing to change it. This is how it is and my job is to be elevated and rise above all this mud and be myself. Be the girl that grampa loved and never said an unkind word to ever. Be who I am on the inside and not how I comforted myself on the outside because this is not me. Its just a reaction that I resorted to to cope and now I have better tools and yes only time can and does begin to heal those wounds…

I swear the Betty Broderick story changed my life. If I could write her a letter I would tell her thank you because she felt all the pain that I used to and because of only her example I was able to keep myself in check and not go off the deep end. Seriously that movie and woman had a significant impact on my life when it got yanked out from under me and I am forever grateful. I’m almost near the finish line now and I’m not in jail from reacting to an unimaginable situation. And man there were a couple of nights when I was feeling loopty freaking loop that’s for sure but those moments do pass and just gotta hang on..

I feel like with each hurdle I have I am in recovery and making sense out of my life and despite all the tears and bs I am really proud of myself. As I move through these feelings I am needing food less and able to recover and comfort myself on my own and that is a very good feeling. Food is a fuel and an enjoyment and special and not a warm blanket and a concrete wall to hide behind. That is the lesson I am learning now.
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Old 10-03-2009, 01:18 PM   #45  
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Well the game was great last night in Topeka. My mom said she really noticed alot of mothers really went out of their way to say hello to me last night and that my x really made a fool out of himself. She said it was obvious that it really struck a nerve with alot of people by their warming to me last night. I always say hello to everyone but it was very obvious last night that people were reaching out and being supportive of me having to deal with this jackass. My son came and hugged me tight and was very happy I was there, he was all stinky in his gear and pads and my sister said i think he was relieved you were there and maybe had a moment of doubt lol. I hugged my dad when he walked by which was sweet and he said hey kid.. how you doin.. i got kind of choked up and shrugged my shoulders saying ok... i need to fix that relationship its just not right that we both are missing out and hurting because I dont have enough confidence in myself to not care what my stepmom does and says to me. If I had an elevated opinion of myself I would just consider her nothing but trouble and keep my mouth shut and not let it affect me and my dad at all. I finally am getting that. Its not what people do and act like it's you and how you process it. People are going to be low down and nasty at times and it is about them. I tend to internalize everything and put others above myself. I put their opinions and actions as more important than my own and thats why I get so upset..

What I need to be focusing on is taking excellent care of myself, looking my very best with what I have got right now and building on that, thinking positive thoughts and building positive mutual affirming relationships. We dont have to be best friends but by alienating people and avoiding them youre just givine them your energy and keep it for yourself for a change. Dont make them so damn important and live happy and strong and let live...
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