Alternachicks - Scotch and Humour

Bumper Stickers


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger!

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight!"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Oh, very good, ellis! I need a few of them!

Sorry, it was all I could come up with at 2 in the morning.

One of the best ones I ever saw was:

Mean People Suck, Nice People Swallow ;-)

Miss Chris

OMG! Miss Chris! I love it! Let's print bumper stickers!

I got a bunch of silly jokes today. Here is the first cute set of things I got :


Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for awhile ... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Some very dumb jokes:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The **** Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

7. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

8. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko.

10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

13. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

Last one:


GOOD NEWS! Canada has offered to help the U.S. in the war on
terrorism! They have pledged 2 battleships, 6000 troops and 10 fighter jets.




BAD NEWS, With the current exchange rate that comes out to 2 canoes, a Mountie and a couple of flying squirrels

Thanks Ladies!!! (And I use that term loosely.....) I needed a good laugh!!!!

Thanks, Squeak! :lol:

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

:lol:
More jokes... we need more jokes...!!

The guys at work only tell me really gross, do not repeat this ever again, your brain needs washing jokes.

Miss Chris

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
--------------------------------------------------------------
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart!
--------------------------------------------------------------
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
--------------------------------------------------------------
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
--------------------------------------------------------------
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me
everywhere."
Written just below it . . . " I do not!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
being.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q . How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
A. They're married.

Great, Kat! :lol:

A stock broker, on his way home from work in NY City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed about all the New Yorkers making her the butt of so many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband is running around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about the presidency in 2004. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida forwarded the following letter. This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God blesses you for the beautiful radio that I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the table and broke into hundreds of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I said f*** you.

Life is Good.

Sincerely,
Mabel

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he

has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

**POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned!" the
drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about
it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

I'm stealing some of these!
Ellis, why are you still up? You are supposed to be convalescing!
MotheRuth the Antique ConservaChick

I dunno, MotheRuth. I think there's something wrong with my clock works. Yesterday morning I decided that I'd had enough of winter; that it was going to be spring because I damned well needed to sit on the verandah. Then it started to snow...

Maybe you need a new battery - or Dim Sum! I hope you can cozy-in today.

Various thoughts I was sent:

1. How nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

22 I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

23. If not for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all.

24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

28. Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.

29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

30. If the shoe fits... buy it in every color.

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!
> >
> > In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex
> > with animals,
> > but the animals must be female. Having sexual
> > relations with a male
> > animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes
> > sense.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
> > woman's
> > genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly
> > at them during the
> > examination. He may only see their reflection in
> > a mirror.
> > (Do they look different reversed?)
> > *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals
> > of a corpse.
> > This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs
> > of the deceased
> > must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at
> > all times. (A
> > brick??)
> > *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> > decapitation.
> > (Much worse than "going blind!")
> > ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
> > travel the
> > countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
> > them for the
> > privilege of having sex for the first
> > time...Reason: under Guam
> > law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
> > marry. (Let's just
> > think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
> > else in the world that
> > even comes close to this?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed
> > to kill her
> > adulterous husband, but may only do so with her
> > bare hands. The
> > husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed
> > in any manner
> > desired. (Ah! Justice!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
> > England - but only
> > in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
> > her husband,
> > and the first time this happens, her mother must
> > be in the room to
> > witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the
> > thought.)
> > *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
> >
> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man
> > to have sex
> > with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
> > (I presume this was a big enough problem that
> > they had to pass
> > this law?)
> > ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from
> > vending machines with
> > one
> > exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a
> > vending
> > machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages
> > are sold for
> > consumption on the premises."
> > Is this a great country or what? Not as great as
> > Guam!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Banging your head against a wall uses 150
> > calories an hour.
> > (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> > (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
> > pull 30 times its
> > own weight and always falls over on its right
> > side when
> > intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?
> > -- Did the govt.
> > pay for
> > this research??)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
> > (I know some people like that.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people
> > like that too)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> > And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe
> > through their
> > butts.
> > (Do you think they have bad breath?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hehe, some good ones up there! Thank God I don't live in Indonesia!! :o

Here are some of my favorite ponderings from George Carlin. :dizzy:
[list=1]
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
[/list=1]

GOOD ONES!!!!

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,Bubba,
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake Dad, Don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the bodies!
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed
up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left.

A couple of days later, the old man received another letter from his
son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Flower, I just noticed that one! It's hilarious! :lol:

....................

Rules for Work!


1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be
injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's ****.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the
story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received
for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

:lol: Ellis have you been hiding in my cube at work? Esp. 1, 2, 3, 5, 9 & 13. My personal favorite is #1, I try and hide from my boss for about the last 20 minutes of my day, otherwise he will find me just as I am turning off my computer. His "will only take 5 minutes" projects normally last about a half a day.

SOMEONE SEND This to my boss for me, I need to stay anonymous.

Miss Chris

Chris, what the heck are you doing up so early? :D
I had to get up... I was coughing like a... like a... something terrible.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E,F,G & H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stand for...It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
{G}- Get a Reduction
{H} -Help me I've fallen and I can't get up

*laugh* I had to forward that one on to my boyfriend.

heh heh heh

A titter ran through the crowd! (*)(*)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

A WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, then there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear)
purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school
softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my sudden enthusiasm to get started.

Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so
here it goes:

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next
to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me
to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the <mailto:&*@*#$>&*@*#$ barbells or anything
that weighs more
than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you
attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the *$@&&&& Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.

CANADIAN JOKE #1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided
to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I
would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a
bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a
little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's Canadian?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys weren't drinking beer, neither would I."

CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His
friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #3
In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor
snowmobiling.

CANADIAN JOKE #4
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they
were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their
pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished
the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing
happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking
it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT"

CANADIAN JOKE #5
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses
present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at
the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing
I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mauvais-One of the GOOD things about living in Michigan (see Michigan exercise) is that we can get Labatt's and Molsons CHEAPER than some of the piss that is called "American Beer!!"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heavens sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !"

Great quotes by great women
.....................

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the **** happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes (at 73)-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie Snow-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
Laurie Kuslansky-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette Davis-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++> > >> > > >
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Catherine-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I was young, I was put in a school for ******ed kids for two years
before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
Kathy Buckley-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.
Dolly Parton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt-
++++++++++++++++++++++++

Guess whose birthday it is?

They grow up so fast . . .






Can you believe it?

Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week.

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Think she's learned to keep what she is eating off of her clothes yet?

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Maybe = No.

We need = I want.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.



MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now.

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

Yuck! Icky poo, Den! snicker

Subject: The Pediatrician Assumes

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while, in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to
sleep, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the
woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and
I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another
blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I
have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're
married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD.....Get your own damned blanket."

What is Old?


"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Hee Hee Hee!
These are all sooooooo good.
I laughed so hard my stomach hurts.....
does that count as exercise?:lol:

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga excercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. "...in Jesus name. Amen."

:lol:

I love the last one. It really might work too!

Thank you so much, ladies. I just keep laughing...this has
made my day. I feel so happy...haaaa haaaa haaa
hee hee hee...now back to house cleaning....

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy!

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Make love, not war. ****, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -Tatjana Patitz

"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -Linda Evangelista

"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." -Kate Moss

"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." -Paulina Porizkova

"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -Linda Evangelista

"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." -Carol Alt

"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -Beverly Johnson

"I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -Tyra Banks

"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -Kim Alexis

I love the cow one. I will have to pass it along!

Being a person that mainly goes to movies so I can rip them to shreds, I really enjoyed this one, lol. A friend sent it to me cause he said he thought I'd written these, hehe.

Hollywood Lessons:
[list=1] It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. [/list=1]

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe
a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love
until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing
me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island
Ferry."

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That is SO funny!!!!!

After a woman gave birth to her baby, her Dr.
> > stood solemnly at her bedside.
> > > "I have something I must tell you about your
> > baby."
> > > "What's wrong," the alarmed mother asked?
> > > "Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
> > > "What's that?"
> > > "It means your baby has both male and female
> > parts."
> > > "Oh my Gosh that's wonderful!" The woman
> > exclaimed. "You mean it
> > > has a penis and a brain?"

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, said:
"Good trade."

Subject: Thinking on your feet

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ******* wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No crap??? Who did she play for?"

HA HA! That was great!

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it
>>>>will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was
>>>>never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your
>>>>living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
>>>>uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't
>>>>appear to realize that you had set it free ... You
>>>>either married it or gave birth to it.
>>>>
>>>>2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day,
>>>>someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
>>>>
>>>>3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
>>>>Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it
>>>>the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to
>>>>go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear
>>>>as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty ... do it and die."
>>>>
>>>>4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves
>>>>completely.
>>>>
>>>>5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear
>>>>tight shoes.
>>>>
>>>>6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you
>>>>don't know what you're doing, someone else always
>>>>does.
>>>>
>>>>7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along
>>>>came today.
>>>>
>>>>8. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a
>>>>while and it shrinks two sizes!
>>>>
>>>>9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I
>>>>regain consciousness.
>>>>
>>>>10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
>>>>stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and
>>>>driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of
>>>>a perfect day.

Hee hee hee That was way funny. I love to laugh! Thanks

Hehehe, those are great!

I was just thining the same thing, Ya-Ya. What a great thread - nothing better in the world than to laugh every single day!

Actual Medical Chart Notes (these are real, can you believe it? lol)

[list=1] Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused autopsy. The patient has no previous history of suicides. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. She is numb from her toes down. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. Skin: somewhat pale but present. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. [/list=1]

Ha Ha...I needed that.

<sigh> if only they weren't so REAL!!!!

Stupid state laws
[list=1] (Alabama) - Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
(Alabama) - It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (whew!)
(Alaska) - In Fairbanks it is an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
(Arizona) - Hunting camels is prohibited.
(Arizona) - Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
(Arkansas) – In Fayetteville, it is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
(California) – In L.A., toads may not be licked.
(Florida) - If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
(Florida) - Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
(Georgia) - You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.
(Illinois) – In Des Plaines, wheelbarrows with “For-Sale” signs may not be chained to trees.
(Indiana) – In South Bend, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
(Iowa) - One-armed piano players must perform for free.
(Iowa) – In Marshalltown, horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants. (huh?)
(Louisiana) - It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
(Maine) - You may not step out of a plane in flight.
(Maryland) - It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
(Massachusetts) - No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
(Massachusetts) - It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
(Massachusetts) – In Boston, duels to the death are permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
(Michigan) - There is a 10-cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office.
(Minnesota) - Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
(Missouri) – In Natchez, it shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.
(Montana) – In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
(Nevada) - It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
(NJ) – In Manville, it is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
(NY) – In NYC, women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
(NC) - Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
(Ohio) - It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
(Ohio) – In Cleveland, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!
(Ohio) – In Youngstown, riding on the roof of a taxicab is not allowed.
(Oklahoma) - Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
(Oregon) – In Klamath Falls, it's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snake’s head off with your cane. (huh?!)
(SC) – In Spartanburg, eating watermelons in the Magnolia Street cemetery is forbidden.
(Tennessee) - It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
(Tennessee) - Driving is not to be done while asleep.
(Texas) - The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
(Utah) – In Trout Creek, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
(Washington) - When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed. (guess they skipped Physics class?)
(Wisconsin) - Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
(Wyoming) - You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.
[/list=1]

I must print that out. I have a desire to do every ONE of those things! :lol:

Good ones! :lol: :lol: :lol:

amazing stuff!!! thanks!

Someone should make a reality show about a group that goes to each place and does these things. And believe me with US SOUTHERNERS (#10) fightin' words are serious.

And I want to see #9!!!!!!!!!

LOL, Sarajane - the "fighting words" one actually makes me laugh outloud everytime I read it... I live in NC myself, so I can just see it happening, hehe.

It just makes me laugh to think of how these laws actually got into the books, haha. WTH is up with #22?? I had to reread it thinking it was a Wisconsin law (I was born in Wisconsin, and that one seems kinda odd, even to me!!).

There were actually a ton of other stupid laws listed, I just picked out the funniest ones, lol. Sorry that all states are represented... some of the stupid laws just weren't as hilarious! :p

My friend just sent me this one :lol:


A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then over more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " "No," she says. "Divorce attorney."

:lol:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls.' I told my
>
> husband that I would be home by midnight, "I Promise!" Well, the hours
>
> passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 am, drunk
>
> as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock
>
> in the hall started up and Cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd
>
> probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself
>
> for coming up with such a
>
> quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible
>
> conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got
>
> in, and I told him 12:00.
>
>
> He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one. Then he
>
> said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why? He said, "Well,
>
> last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed
>
> 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
>
> cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

I read through these jokes and had a great laugh! I passed the candian ones along to a doctor I work with. She and her husband are from Canada, and collect Canadian jokes! Fortunately, she thought they were a scream. Thanks for the entertainment!

HOW TO BATHE A CAT
===================

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog