Hi Deena I was happy to hear from you and thanks for sharing. Im so excited for my son and it will sink in and be ok. I just want him to make good decisions and have a happy life for himself. I am doing good on my day to day plan and have not really been able to stick to atkins because I just didnt have shopping money for the shakes and bars etc but do try to stick to a lot of protein and smaller portion sizes and very low sweets. Even so just eating better I have dropped some weight which I am proud of because my mom always makes thanksgiving so special with tons of food and PIES!! I dont know, a strange sense of fear is over me and maybe I am just more in touch with my feelings now since I am on my own. Its freaking me out a little bit that I am almost 41 and dont date and my life is all about work and my kids. Feeling a void big time and like you said as long as the kids are stable and doing their own thing and happy it is a new found freedom and chapter in life to focus on ourselves and our goals that might have been postponed or forgotten along the way. Im having a serious sore throat and just chillin tonight watching tv and the pretty christmas decorations. As crazy as this year has been I am so happy to be here.
Been sick all weekend with a total sore throat that is seriously painful at night! I finished decorating for christmas today and made a football wreath for my boys bedroom door with their numbers and champs on it and turned out super cool. I made meatloaf for them saturday night at midnight because they asked me please instead of ordering a pizza when they both got here so my younger one just came over at 930 when he got off work to finish it off. He cracks me up he said when he gets married hes going to serve meatloaf for the dinner because its so good lol!! That just made me smile. I went and took out 1150 loan to hold me over this month so Im not in huge trouble and I feel much relief I will just pay it back with my tax return. Im glad its christmas and the end of the year and a brand new starting line just three weeks away. Im so ready for a brand new start and take the lessons and gifts of the year and build on them and make next year really shine. First and formost if a person doesnt have a little emergency cushion you can kiss your peace of mind goodbye. I know that and have lived it over and over and once that is gone then all **** breaks loose and every little wind that blows knocks me on my ***.. Im going to do things different this year and really focus on financial peace. I have alot of money tucked away into retirement that I dont touch but man I have paid the piper this year and if I ran my life like a business this year I would be dried up and closing down for sure. No profit at all just survived by the skin of my teeth!
I listened to the new Whitney Houston cd last night driving around looking at lights and it was so uplifting. I felt a door open up in my heart and started feeling like I used to, I felt my spirit coming alive and I love it. Every song on there is personal and really good and she is starting over too. I saw her sing on the music awards last week and had me in tears with I didn't know my own strength. Loved it. I feel a new leaf turning over and I love my boys to pieces but its so exciting to maybe take the mom hat off in 2010 more often and focus on being a woman. My life is all about my job and my kids and I have worn all these hats and never really taken time for me to just be a woman. I feel a real void now for the first time maybe in 13 years since I have been on my own. It bothers me to not have someone special in my life and missing out on so much. Im doing good now but I am going to join the Y again and really get into being a gym chick!
Well were in for a major winter storm tonight and I do not own a shovel LOL. I don't so WHATEVA and I stayed home sick today with this super sore throat so Im not going to wal mart to get one either! Happy I have 4wd on my jeep and that sucker is going in the garage tonight. I decided against putting christmas lights outside this year since I dont need the extra on my bill but the inside of this little house is charming and cozy. I really love it here and its a small 2bdrm house but the downstairs has laundry and a family room and storage. My boys have their fun pad downstairs for them and their friends and x box and a big tv two couches and a dvd player and i have it decorated so cute with santas everywhere and sleighs and even part of my christmas village on their entertainment center. I just want to make this a darling and special christmas since my son is going in the navy and theres no way to tell if he will be able to come home next year. I just want a nice memory since this is going to be a pivotal thing and things wont be the same for us again.They bought me this beautiful big lighthouse with fiber optics and Im so happy it survived storage and works fine. So much to be grateful for and trying to focus on that and be mindful of everything that is so right. I heard a song by Whitney Houston that I love and listen to over and over called nothing but love.. It means alot to me. Made french onion soup today for lunch in the cozy house while it was freezing and dreary outside. It was a perfect day for me. Yea!!
Here I sit by my window thinking about all
the things that I've been through
There were times where I never thought I get to where I got to
Had some angels to guide me, someone to lay on all my love
Now this is my chance to say ain't go nothin but love
For my family that raised me (shout out, shout out)
And my teacher that done praised me (shout out, shout out)
To anyone who tried to hate on me (shout out, shout out)
Even the one's who tried to break me, even the
one's who tried to take me down
There've been haters since this world been going 'round
(nothin but love, nothin but love)
Why they take a thing and trying to crush them down
(nothin but love, nothin but love)
I ain't even trying to hold on to that now
(nothin but love, nothin but love)
ain't got nothin but love for you
(nothin but love, nothin but love)
I could hold on to pain but that ain't what my life's about
I ain't blaming nobody if I ain't got my stuff worked out
I got love for my self, ain't gonna regret anything I've done
I just wanna sing my song, ain't got nothin but love
For all the players on the street (shout out, shout out)
To all my girls doing their own thing (keep on, keep strong)
To all my exes that done wrong me, stepped on me, can't hold me down
To all the givers and the takers
To my crew from way back when
To the cold glares and the stares
And the ones that I ain't met
For my self for sticking with me
For the one's I miss from up above
Anyone who's ever been a part of me
ain't got nothin but love
I ordered pizza hut tonight since I knew both of them would be rolling in here and sure enough it was hillareous. In the snow, here comes austin so tall with his letterjacket and his hat on backwards like he does.. I had just turned on Phantom of the Opera and how cool is that Gerard Butler and his fine self is the phantom so even my son was watching this with me.. its awesome omg I love that movie!!! Then here comes the other monkey after he got off and we were sitting in the recliners watching jack frost in the dim light with all the christmas lights and tree aglow and candles bright. I love christmas and they are like clockwork coming over to see mom and get something yummy to eat. Austin talked to the recruiter today and if he is going to leave in Feb to boot camp he would need to leave next week so he decided to sign in Jan and most likely leave at the beginning of March. I can't believe my son is going to be a sailor in the Navy. It is a dream come true and yes a little apprehensive and nervous for him but its the best thing he can do for himself and what an adventure. I told him I wish I could be a little bird on his shoulder and go where he goes and see everything hes going to see, all the new people and exciting places and the air craft carriers.. I can hardly wait myself! Today was a great day and 6 months from now when Im so freaked out that my baby is far away and all I can do is be a gym rat to keep from crying I will be happy that I recorded these special wonderful moments together.. Im all smiles, today was a perfect day. And its snowing big snow how cool is that!
Well got a christmas card from her highness today signed dad and her. Trying to not have a meltdown because it hurts my feelings. I realize Im going to be ticked if they send me a card which they did and Im going to be ticked if they dont. Family used to be so special and Christmas at my grandmas was magical. She was so afraid once she was gone that it would be the end of our family and she was exactly right. She thought my stepmother was raised by savages and she prayed for her because "she didn't know any better". Its been open season on me since the moment she passed away and Holidays are hard without her and my grandpa. They would have ripped my dad up one side and down the other for this situation and I just had to come to the reality and accept it that our "family" died with my grandparents. I keep this little lantern of hope in my heart that my dad would step up and put his foot down and say enough is enough and put our family back together and call a truce and insist we all be kind and considerate to each other. But no he won't. They'll invite my kids over for christmas gift exchange and exclude me just to spite me and this is three years in a row not having christmas together. Ive beat this horse to a pulp and try to come to grips with it and Im doing ok but its so unnatural and cruel to shun your children. I feel humiliated and my kids cant help but wonder if grandma is so great and grampa is too then what is wrong with mom? This is what I got for a lifetime of emotional abuse and outright harassment, I finally said no more this is unacceptable and my dad sided with her to keep peace in his home and now together they have villainized me to make sense of their behavior and I have never done anything, absolutely nothing to her. Just been on the receiving end of all her rediculous behavior. I know shes my dads problem and he is an enabler and wont put his foot down but they have a real influence over my children and they are confused because of this dirty situation. There is just a total lack of conscience and integrity over there. I know im spiraling into an ugly state over this stupid card, just a little piece of paper but it tells me I am an outcast and not important and if I wasnt here he wouldnt care. When my dad allows this it tells me no one will ever love me and my relationships with men will be disasters because if I cant even trust my father to have my best interests at heart and look out for me then who on earth else would. Im not going to let this situation color my holiday again, Ive had enough of this and I can accept the fact that things will never be the same again, my close knit family of my childhood is long gone and down in my heart I dont want to give her the slightest chance to ever hurt me like this again so although it is uncomfortable and difficult at times, it is for the best. We can have a safe and distant and limited relationship and be courteous and indifferent and get on with it and I can build safer and loving encouraging trusting relationships with other people.
So excited there is a golds gym eliptical at walmart for under $300 and that is so going in my bedroom next month.. I loved doing that at the Y and got in 30 minutes every day for months and months and how convenient to have in the house. Im doing really good and so proud of myself, I ran my credit report yesterday at work and I have a 5 year streak of perfection and just being able to manage that and pull it off while dealing with the things I do and robbing peter to pay paul while my life has been so cukoo these last 3 years it is incredible. And I may not have jack squit right now to go shopping and a new wardrobe and shoes purses and manicures but i wont be the under dog forever and then I can go get whatever the **** I want. What I want most is to have financial peace and a safety cushion so Im not hanging out in the wind any longer. I have a book by dave ramsey which is so good and that is the focus of my new year financially safe and emergency stash set aside. I dont want to ever have this churning feeling in my middle from worry and stress and waiting for the next shoe to fall like a sitting duck. Im ready for a new me, a total overhaul, Im doing my hair tomorrow light auburn with blonde highlights like it used to be which looks pretty on me and fake tanning baby for some color. I have freaking spring fever so damn bad, in fact after new years it is spring for me and time to start getting ready for summer. Im going to get straightened out and in a stronger more stable place and have a fabulous year. This year, as difficult as it has been for me has allowed me to grow and think clearly about the life I want and the person I can be. Im right now at about 20% of my potential and most of that is because I have a great job. I need to work on my health first, my confidence and self esteem, my financial peace, my faith - just all the way around can be revved up done better. Ive been in survival mode for so long and im happy that I realize clearly this is my life and nothing is going to change either way unless I take massive action. I have a cd by jim rohn called living an exceptional life which is so good and just what I need to hear. That is on the checklist for tomorrow morning as I turn over a new leaf. I have two months until Im 41 and my baby is going in the navy and I am going to be a pretty mom and be proud of myself and my sailor is going to be proud of his mama at great lakes to cheer him on. I feel like the stars are lining up and things are coming together finally.
I went to see my momma last night, my sister had a break up and we were all there for dinner.. my brother walks in late at night and been drinking all day and I love him to pieces and he works so far away so any time we get to spend together is always special.. hes staying with my dad and step mother and they get along great- she works for ed jones and of course hes got a boat load of money in there making her look like the ultimate mother, he is her pride and joy because he went to live with them at age 10 and she feels like he is her son my mom was just the birth mother mentality etc.. its difficult for me to hear about my dad and how they are so in sinq and our dad giving him fatherly talks about being 38 and making good choices,etc.. my brother drinks 24-7, he gambles, hes all fun and games when hes not at work but because he is so successful it is not really relevant to them and he can do no wrong. i had him over for dinner with me and the boys friday night and I did not bring up anything about the folks at all it was just our special time to share and hang out with us for awhile...
I got really upset yesterday because I am totally shunned and ignored like im not even alive because the step hag doesnt like me and it just got to me so much yesterday that they have made me out to be the villain in order to pull this off.. It hurts to see my dad being a father to one and being nothing to the other because hes too weak to stand up to her. I feel very angry and a little bit afraid of what might come flying out of my mouth in a heated moment. I am furious with my dad and feel cheated out of my father, he can be a dad just not to me apparently and it really upset me. It would make me feel good to just tell him exactly what I think and how I am nothing like him. I never let anyone hurt my children to better my place in life. Im sad that I even have these feelings but they are absolutely there under the surface waiting to scream out. It was overwhelming yesterday.
Sitting there last night listening to him rattle on and on being obnoxious, hes talking about gay people and getting it on - hes being rediculously nasty and my mom laughs in saying nickies a little naive about men having sex with men- he makes this jackass comment about me being 40 and I have no business being naive about men and women- meaning I havent been in a relationship in a while and me being a smart *** says Im not naive about anything but forgive me if im not versed in the art of mens butts lol, im not going to take his little funky digs at me. I just got this feeling that he finds alot of fault in me and I felt very judged. He said his old girlfriend was probably a big ole hog now and of course I took a little offense to that.. Im an x wife and girlfriend and my x could say that about me, and his x wife is chunky now too.. Trying not to be sensitive and internalize everything but its hard to do.. It feels like I dont have any skin sometimes and I feel myself being offended by very much of the crap people say..
Im very heavy and I felt judged and a bit disrespected and out of the loop by him. He was more receptive to my sister and I am the negative elephant in the room. It was a good experience for me to realize how unbreezy and unlighthearted I am. I get irritated and offended by alot and I realized it. I felt like if my dad and them were talking about me over there which Im certain they do because he gets his opinions from somewhere, I felt like he would join in with no hesitation. I feel discounted as if my feelings dont matter because they see me as a lost cause. I dont have any money, Im fat, Im apparently a big train wreck to them hating everyone and blaming everyone but myself. I dont think that is true, but that is the impression I clearly got from him loud and clear. If I was slim and had a boyfriend and happy and carefree I would be received completely differently and that made me sad. Fat people deal with being disregarded all the time, going out to eat or shopping or whatever- all people see is a fat person they dont see you at all, and I felt it for the first real time in my family with my brother and it pissed me off. Im taking care of me and sticking to my plan for myself, it has nothing to do with any of them and any success I might have is my own doing.
Im proud of myself because that little moment was averted and I didnt let it deter me at all today. I went last night and bought some st johns wt herbal suppliment for my disposition and got some atkins shakes and continuing on my journey for me. I processed my feelings, yes it irritated me but I am still me in here and they can all kiss my fat *** anyway. The folks left for Chicago today and not a peep to me- thats just crazy to me what if they got killed and there is no goodbye, no nothing and how does a parent make that choice. Its sickening. Before when they would leave I always would go over and give them a hug goodbye, send snacks in a little gift bag left outside if it was early in the morning, I always made special french desserts for my dad and took over there. I always went out of my way to let him know I cared and he was special and its just strange to be iced out this way. They dont even live one mile away from me. Im just right down the street, that is just crazy. How do you turn your back on your only daughter in what used to be a very close knit family. How does a person do that and what on earth could you be telling yourself to justify it. I would like to slap him right in his face and scream at him what in the holy **** is wrong with you? I am so emboldened to stay on track and get my figure back and feel pride in my appearance. I am so creeped out by this situation and when I do find a new love for me in a man who I can trust I dont want them anywhere near my happiness. It doesnt feel like it now but I know this is a blessing in disguise and Im keeping on head strong for me, its for me this time and I deserve to be proud of myself. I deserve to feel pretty and attractive and live my life as a confident lady and select kind supportive loving people to share my life and friendshio with. I am on track!
Let me say a few things about Atkins first. I do not even buy or eat any of the Atkins bars or shakes....and I stick to rigid induction until I reach goal weight and then will do a modified Atkins to maintain my weight (I also did this back in the 90's and maintained for about 10 years).
Here's what I basically eat: chicken, fish, turkey, eggs, cheese (mainly cheddar, feta and goat cheese), veggies (mainly broccoli, spinach, cauliflower, mushrooms, asparagus, eggplant, salad veggies)....and I will either steam, saute or roast the veggies and then add butter and cheese...very filling....and the ONLY thing I eat that is not strict induction is about a small handful of almonds once daily (and not necessarily every day). I use Duke's brand mayo....which has NO sugar in it.
It may sound like a limited variety....but honestly, you can do a whole lot with veggies and cheese and/or eggs and cheese...and veggies.....and salads with cheese, etc.
I only allow myself 3 packs of splenda daily...which I use in my coffee with half and half (one packet per cup). In order to get the diet to work for me this time around, I had to drastically cut back on the artificial sweetener (why no Atkins bars or shakes)
I also, on occasion, may have sour cream, cream cheese, bacon, smoked salmon....mainly as additions to dishes and/or treats.
Atkins is a METABOLIC diet and it's important to understand this because it's basically an all or none diet. You have to be very strict about the carbs...or you can turn the whole thing upside down and end up fat-storing rather than fat-burning. In other words, if you eat strict Atkins all day and then eat even one thing at night....like cookies, etc.....you will blow all the effort you made that day, basically. Simple carbs put out the fat-burning fire....and can switch you back over to fat-storing mode. BUT, if you follow the diet religiously, it works amazingly well.....PLUS it will really significantly decrease your hunger once you get past the first 2 days or so that it takes to burn up your glycogen stores and go into fat-burning/ketosis mode.
I've lost almost 45 lbs. (scale said 151.9 this morning) in a little less than 7 months....and for me, it's been SO easy on Atkins.....once I figured out my personal artificial sweetener issue. And you don't HAVE to exercise to lose weight on Atkins but I walk daily (love walking too) and this seems to clearly help with the weight loss also. It's really helpful to have the Atkin's book....the Atkins New Diet Revolution.
What I also love is that because you are burning fat, you lose inches in all the right places. I'm fixin' to go down a 4th pants size....as my 34's are starting to get loose on me.
OK...you may have answered this already somewhere on this thread....but WHY does your step-mom have such a problem with you? Why does she treat you so badly? Does she feel that you are some sort of threat to her?
Now, as far as your dad goes....I will never understand how/why some men allow a woman to control them....and even control what they think. I'd probably have to be a man to understand, I think.
My dad has a sex and love addiction, I finally figured out....and during our lives (his children), he made quite a few decisions that left us dumbfounded....and even feeling betrayed more than a few times. But problems with my dad don't sound nearly as serious as what you're dealing with...probably because my parents never divorced....he just ran around quite a bit. BUT, due to this, I can somewhat relate to what you're going through with your dad.....the negative feelings that result when they seem to disregard the feelings or needs of their children.
I mean, sure....once one's children are grown, one should be able to make decisions for oneself more independently....BUT, to a degree, IMO. Your children are always your children, no matter how old they are. No matter how old my children get, I would never do anything that they were extremely unhappy with....regardless of what *I* wanted. I just would never do that to them....plus, I value their opinions anyway.
I'll never understand parents who think that once their children are grown, they can do anything they want without any regard for those children. Yes, grown children should probably not be overly-intrusive in their parents' lives but by the same token, parents should not totally disregard the feelings of their grown children either. That's my opinion, for what it's worth.
Thank you Deena for such a nice post. You really know your Atkins stuff!! Im trying to really stay positive and not dwell on the family drama because my son is enlisting in the Navy as soon as the recruiters are back from Holiday break. He'll go to MEPS for a month and then on to basic so I have no way to know exactly how long it will be before he actually leaves it could be a matter of two or three weeks according to what they told him. I have learned alot on the navymoms website and nice to know there is such a support system and so much info for parents on there. I will deal with them later and my mom told me tonight LOL that she wants to invite my dad and stepmother for dinner on christmas day while my brother is here. I think that is hillareous and I told her to do it, Id be interested in seeing how much of one big family we really are since they are stuck up my xs beehind like they are. Im game for it who knows maybe it will be a christmas miracle. Im not holding my breath I can't see them physically coming over into someone elses turf where they dont call the shots.. but who knows.
I keep track of the contact I make to my dad so that if this doesnt end well later on in my life I will know that I did all I could. I read over that at work last week and was pretty put off by the one sidedness of it all. I even went in the hospital for surgery and I didnt want to tell my dad because what if he didnt come and I would be laying there in the hospital bed all stitched up unable to move and crying and then I thought its the wrong thing to do to conceal that from him so I told him two days before my surgery. Sure enough that is exactly what happened and I layed there in that stupid hospital bed bawling because my dad didnt even come see me or call while I was there overnight to check. They dont even live six blocks away from the hospital.. The feeling that came over me was disgust. Ive put him on such a pedistal and just like you said I am not in his circle and I must accept that. This is going to destroy me and any confidence I might have in dealing with men and I just dont think I can recover from this ugly part of my life by being the dutiful daughter because every interaction I have with him leaves me feeling rejected and cut down. Im reading a book on codependency, focusing on my kids and my home and making Christmas special because its the last one before my kids are grown up and doing their own thing. Just gotta draw the line and I just really dont feel that I deserve this and its not fair to let it hurt me so much. Im joining the Y on Jan 1, and Im gonna be in Nickies boot camp here while my baby is at the real thing. Im going to be a pretty navy mom and take my life and energy back.
I cried all day today, when am I going to be able to accept this. My kids are over having christmas with them right now and my brother too. What is so upsetting is that I thought he would take up for me but no. Ive gone through so many emotions today from anger and wanting to call my dad and scold him and let him know how disappointed I am. I really went out of my way this year to be nice, I hugged him at every football game, I called on every holiday, I sent a treat over on Thanksgiving, I sent her a letter and basically for the sake of family took the blame for all of this and even that was not reciprocated. I was so upset and couldnt focus at work. As unnatural and cruel as this has been, I have to let my dad go. Hes not ever going to step up and stop this and all I did was stand up for myself for once in my life and tell the truth and this is where it all landed. I can only control what I do and how I feel, I didnt do anything today, I wanted to call him and my brother and cuss them out and just go off and then why, all theyll say is im so miserable and fat and im too emotional. I get nothing from this but devistated and they have never been there for me ever at all. It feels like my x husband honestly and these people have extracted every last thing they possibly can from me, Im not going to have any more kids now im 40 and they just have no use for me so chucked off to the side. Im the other woman in his life and she has always had daggers out for me. Its all about her and he is just a passive non confrontational person, he wont make waves at all and just gets out of her way and she babies him to death and takes care of everything and hes a kept man. What is wrong with me that I cant let go of something that breaks my heart over and over and is just because they are spiting me by involving my kids too. They dont mention me at all when my boys are over there, and have made it seem like I am the trouble maker and I can see the confusion and doubt in my kids. If they are so great then whats wrong with mom, and to be undermined and disrespected in front of my children is the lowest of the low. Im anxious for the new year and a new start. I didnt send them a christmas card because the one she sent to me was signed so nasty and not a bit of kindness in it and Im not calling him on Christmas either. I just need to get though this day and let it pass, I made plans to join the Y with my friend and so i have a workout buddy already.
My health is really at risk and after today Im convinced that I cant endure any more of this. Ive done nothing but fret and be crushed since I got on here and every day its some other thing that just eats away at my heart and I feel like my son is going in the navy, the person in the world who loves me the most, and leaving me behind with all these freaks. Im happy he is getting away from here and out from under his dad and them too and be able to be out from under bad influences. What ever happened to being a gentleman and kindness and a sense of right and wrong. None of us are heroes here and Im glad that Austin is getting away from here before he is corrupted. He is such a good boy and polite and sweet and intelligent. Im so lucky to have had him for 16 years, I know I did a good job when I look at him he is everything I could have ever wished for in a son and for him to be impressionable and be encouraged to disregard your mother, Its just very upsetting to me. I wasnt raised this way and neither was my father and that is why I am so disgusted with him. How can you be so spineless and not put your foot down and say this has gone on long enough. I have lost all respect for my dad and its like the only thing that matters is that he is happy and comfortable and the **** with everyone else. It makes me afraid of men, to see the person Im supposed to be able to count on turn his back on me so he can be comfortable, it makes me doubt everything and makes me feel like men are weak cowards and that is not at all how I want to be. I dont think Im going to be able to recover from this and get my weight under control until I take a huge time out and focus only on myself. I cant go in and save myself with all this hammering away at my heart. Im going to pray on this hard tonight and make my peace somehow because I have to let go of my dad completely I cannot continue this, Its killing me and I just dont deserve this from anyone.
My best friend and I started our new goals today, didnt even wait for new years. I have done great today and everything on NYE menu is low carb. My boys will be here with me to ring in the new year so they are planning a hoe down and the treats Im making are going to be healthy and yummy! Even mexican roll ups and picante will work on a low carb tortilla. I had a wonderful christmas, and kept my cool. My mom and sister and I cooked a great dinner and everyone loved it. I prayed very hard last night to release me from these heart strings. I made a decision to take a complete time out from the family drama. My brother flew his new girlfriend in for christmas night and they got to my moms about 7 after having prime rib with all the fixings at our dads that afternoon when they got back from the airport. I held back tears, I felt very humiliated to be omitted from this and for this new person to obviously have a preconceived opinion about me before even meeting me. I mean they have to have some explanation as to why my dad has two children but only one is at the christmas dinner. It just seems surreal and after everything I have done this year to make peace, it was their chance to do the right thing and have us start over and be a family again and they chose not to. It was a total slap in the face and it's the last one. My dad had the audacity to send me a text saying merry christmas at noon and he might as well have said f you. I didn't even reply I was so offended. I just thought well is the blackhearted snake looking the other way and you decided to wish your daughter a merry christmas. I realized that I am so overweight and it has to be very hard on my heart, then add to the mix this situation and the stress and constant rejection and I am a walking heart attack. They are going to put me in my grave if I allow this to continue. I will not be here a year from now if I don't take all of my attention off of them and concentrate on me because I need help, I need to focus on my health immediately.
It was awkward when my brother walked in and introduced her to all of us and I felt sorry for him having to take the brunt of this ugly drama. They put him in the position of having to face me after doing such a mean thing instead of them doing it. I felt disgust and such sadness. We did warm up after a little while and I was polite and visited with them and hugged him when I left and shook her hand saying it was nice to meet you. I felt sorry for her actually like welcome to the snake pit that is our family... For now I am out of the loop permanently and Im not going to have any contact with them at all. Maybe later on things might change, but Im done being pollyanna rosy glasses and hoping for something that will not come true.
On christmas eve, for some reason I got out a joyce meyer dvd set that I got at a consignment shop about 6 months ago called beauty for ashes. The dvd was about fathers and how so many people did not get the love they needed and were not protected and cherished and pretty soon tears were falling, tears of joy, because it was exactly what i needed to hear like an angel had that planned for me on this day specifically. It was about how we are Gods children first and he is the father who meets all the needs of his children and his love is unconditional. It really meant alot to me to stumble across that, being so relevent at exactly the time I needed it most. Kind of too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. It allowed me to keep it together and keep things in perspective so I could have a special holiday with my boys and the rest of my family. This is it for Austin, he might be in some wonderful place next Christmas and Ill be sending him a care package from home. I really made it special and cooked great food for them and we had tv night last night, we watched UP and I made french onion soup from scratch out of my mastering french cooking book... I made the best out of it and did not mention it at all after we left gramas. My best friend called me at midnight and we were chatting until 2 am about christmas boo boos, hers was not a great one either and it felt good to vent. I made a decision from my heart and prayed on it and have a clear conscience. Its time to focus on me exclusively and get healthy. Nothing and no one is more important, and this urgent goal is first. I feel kind of relieved. I did my best and they treated me this way again so its on them. Shame on them, not me and that is the way It should be so I can get on with my life and move forward out of this place.
Day 2 I had chicken with stir fry veges and a little bit of soy sauce. Snowed in and watching Phantom of the Opera! Thinking positive thoughts, doing positive things, cleaning making everything new and pretty. Some awesome quotes I found:
Im watching discovery and the half ton teen and its interesting how the mothers caretaking behavior and her psychotic need for him to be dependent on her is totally contributing to his situation. Very sad. My day 2 went great and even got in some exercise, Im reading a book Jim Rohns seasons of life and I can feel myself getting clearer and the fog lifting. I dont want to be in this depression, its so unfair and and the strange thing is that when people compromise you to cover up their own behavior, its easy to fall into the trap of maybe there really is something wrong with me.. maybe I do deserve this. Its kind of screwing with my mind right now, and I need exercise and a positive outlook more than ever.
Its not just about weight loss for me, I need a massive dose of self love and confidence. Its the whole package because I feel like I could not continue on the path I was on for one more day thats why I started immediately after christmas. I feel like Im battling evil and I need prayers and good intentions around me so that I dont fall under the guise of depression to keep me in this sad place feeling unloved and compromised. What has happened in my life makes me literally sick and disgusted with these people because I am innocent, I have done nothing to this woman except react to her awful attacks against me. I wish I had done this to her fifteen years ago and never given them a chance to be close to my kids, but I would never do that. I could not alienate people and leave relationships broken. Im not a blackhearted soul and that is what it takes. She is so smart and clever and persuasive that it scares me. I thought my brother would stand up for me and just say he loved them but he couldnt participate in that. The thing that matters is that my baby is going in the Navy and Im going to his boot camp graduation if I have to crawl and Im going to look pretty and be a lovely navy mom. Im going to be in boot camp at the gym right along with him and Im taking back my power. Im taking my place as his mother and Im not going to be a wallflower anymore.
I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning again and she said two things that really struck me..
Whats buried alive never dies, you have to deal with stuff you cant bury it.
Everything we hide has power over us. When you cant talk, and bring it out in the open, when you can't be honest and be human you pain keeps you controlled in its grips. You have to expose the thing you are hiding to overcome it.
Ive never heard that before. Most people, at least in my world, would say you are weak and you just need to grow up and get over it.
Silence is death. It is good to talk and express your feelings and if its in prayer, if its in counselling, if its to a trusted family member, you have to process and feel your hurts to be able to overcome them.
Confess your faults to one another that e may be healed and restored through a spiritual tone of mind and heart.
We wont be doing that in my family, there is too much pride to admit a wrong doing but its here in the bible. But the correct way to deal with adversity is to be willing to say look Im having a problem with this and I need some prayers, share it, expose it, so the devil can't just hold it over your head and keep you stuck in pain. I really do believe in that, the devil is the great deceiver and tries to keep us away from Jesus by any means he can be it depression, self doubt, lack of confidence, and fear. Thats a sweet day to realise you can cast all your hurts and confusion on Jesus and he will take your burden
I'm really proud of myself I did not gain any weight over the holidays and am going strong on atkins. I feel good and trying to stay positive and focus on uplifting things and being in a happy frame of mind. My theme this year is total health.
Taking a 6 month time out from things and focusing entirely on slimming down and a improving my health. I need to be able to fit in the seat on the plane when I go see my son hopefully in florida. That is going to be awesome wherever he gets stationed!! I need to feel good about myself and regain my confidence, find a nice boyfriend and enjoy my life. Too many rainy days and i took a good look at myself yesterday and was bawling. I dont look like me anymore, Im lost in here and the troubles of my life have manifested into my size. How did i get this heavy and so far gone? By yo yo dieting, by never fully committing to my health, by always thinking there will be a next time and another chance. Im going to be 41 next month and I have been divorced for 13 years and had one real relationship in that time an actual boyfriend who spent his time with me. That ended in 2003 so im feeling like the train has departed and left me behind. I feel a sense of fear now that I never did before. I cant blame people for letting me down when I did it to myself the most. It's not too late for me. Not yet. That is why I am **** bent on making real progress and following through. This life I have been waiting for and hoping for is laid out in front of me. The future is here and pretty soon I will have the ability to live the way I want to and participate in stead of just watching everyone else. I just have to follow though and take good care of myself.
Why is it sooo hard to stay on your diet? I literally am almost beside myself craving something sweet. Theres candy in the house.. chocolate.. and its like Im going to die if I dont get some. I had to talk myself through it get out of the kitchen and let this pass. It is a sugar addiction - a person should not have to throw away every thing in their house to not cheat on their diet. I havent blown it, I didnt mess it up but came soooo close to ruining my day. I have eaten a semi of chocolate in my life and its not going to kill me to completely move aside from this for 6 months so I can lose some weight and be healthy. Its like you are so conditioned to sabotage yourself, I am my own worst enemy its not the sweets. Like a vampire needing blood but its sugar lol gawd get a grip lady!!! Pray for me I need muscle to fight off the sweet tooth phantom!!!
