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Old 05-16-2006, 01:48 AM   #31  
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Originally Posted by Jayde
I can see that you are passionately mad. It is very saddening to think that many women are trapped in an unhealthy body out of avoiding life. It is also sad when our weight defines how we feel about ourselves in the beauty department.

I have known girls who did this. Personally I can't imagine it.
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Old 05-16-2006, 02:02 AM   #32  
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I totally agree with the fact that it is pretty common to use weight gain either as a defense mechanism or as a way of defying others.

I was always "the fat girl" in school and after, so I didn't have a lot of trouble with guys seeing me out in public and hitting on me - but online friends and co-workers I only had to talk with over the phone, as well as male customers when I worked in customer service, hit on me CONSTANTLY. Being polite or even thoughtful was taken as a come-on.

I had one customer who kept asking and asking me for my phone number, to a point where I finally got fed up and told him, "Thank you for the compliments but I'm sure my husband wouldn't appreciate that too much." He got the hint FINALLY. I've had male friends that I'd met online threatening me, stalking my every move online...guys can be total creeps. Which is why I can totally understand this.

For me, I know part of the reason I never could force myself to lose weight when I was younger WAS because I was defying my father and stepmother. I was a straight-A student, won several very big awards during high school, worked for my parents plus did so much other stuff...the only thing my parents had to hold against me was my weight. They tried to bribe me to lose weight, and though I didn't even realize it at the time, I do believe that's exactly why I stayed fat. It was the one imperfection they couldn't truly control. One area of my life where I had the final say.

Yes it's sad that it sometimes feels like an only solution to stay heavy, but I also agree sometimes it's not even a conscious decision. I'm sorry that anyone - male or female - might be forced to deal with negative sexual attention or with people who want to force you to change to fit their ideals.
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Old 05-16-2006, 02:06 AM   #33  
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Originally Posted by subcriminal
I never thought Id be asking advice about this.

Back when I was 50lbs heavier men never jumped to the conclusion that I was leading them on whenever Id be polite, greet familiar faces with hello, how are you doing? and otherwise engage in normal conversation. It was only basic manners, being nice, saying hello, thank you and have a great day.

But now that Im thinning out (though I still have 30lbs to go), suddenly guys in general are mistaking my polite demeanor for something it is not. This is becoming a problem with co workers in particular. Eventually they steer the conversation towards getting my phone number (or a date), and then act shocked and pissy (as if Ive lead them on) when I inform them that Im engaged (note: my engagement ring is always worn in PLAIN VIEW).

Do I have to tailor my polite demeanor? Are there secret tips, or dos and donts with being mannerful that doesnt give the average Joe the wrong idea? Am I giving them false hope just by being polite and showing common courtesy? Do I have to force myself to be a perpetual *****, or awkwardly introduce myself as an engaged woman (Hi! Im engaged! How are you?) in order to keep these guys from treading into inappropriate territory?

Im not used to this kind of attention and I am feeling very uncomfortable. It is a tricky situation since I work with some of these people, the last thing I want is to make enemies at work (starting working there 3 months ago). I get the feeling there are other ladies out there who have also lost weight going through the same thing.

If anyone has any advice on how to cope with this problem please let me know!

Really there is not a whole lot you can do but to ignore those guys.

I been in your situation.
I am one of the nicest people that most people can work with as a team mate and I had people to vouch for that.

At the last job I went from being nice to being a b***H to this one guy who couldn't GET IT! That I was not interested in him.

Every day it became a fanasco of being asked, What are you doing this weekend?, When are we going out? right down being told that the boyfriend I was with for a year was not a realionship of any kind of commitment. That we were just dating and as of now with me being at work my boyfriend is dating other women and this guy telling me he knows this because he is a man and that men as boyfriends are no promises.

IF he found out I had certain things at the house I was hiring to get worked on he would try to invite himself to come work on it. Which I did not allow.
He beat the same horse every day, day in day out, asking me out. He would make comments like "You look good in those jeans" I would look at him as that was an uninvited comment, and he would come back and try to turn things on me by saying "What? i can't give you a nice comment?" I was accused of being mean.

I went from being nice about it to being a royal B_ _ _ _ about it and either way it didn't work.

This guy has even stocked me. Forsed a kiss ( not at work. he corner me at a store) Act like he was just shopping at the same time which I still think he stocked me.

I had turn him into HR twice for bothering me during work. and even got worser then that. All and all, I end up losing my job that I put two years of my life in and got to top pay. He was the second guy that was harrassing me at work , the first guy that was harrassing me at work, had a wife working in HR and he would do some discusting things when he came around asking me personal questions, doing weird crap with his tounge. I heard from other ladies that I wasn't the only one he was doing that to but he got fired with a group of people that was up lifting stuff at the warehouse. I was releaved that he was gone then this other idiot came around a month later.

I can't see why you should change anything. If you are a simple nice person and if you can stay that way with out the stress eating you up I would try to always be me.

I've done everything from being nice, to being the B word to ignoreing and none of it seems to work on guys that is bent on the idea that they are going to own you

There is always someoene out there for the thrill of the chase and gets kick backs on trying to get you to curupt your relationship rather if you have a steady boyfriend, engaged or married.

This guy that kept up his chase had already flew his girlfriend down here to live with him and to my understanding from someone she is claiming to be married to him. but even though he is living with his girlfriend/wife what ever it may be he was just another jerk who is cheating on his relationship and turns around and think he going to get to have a couple of hoes on the side.

It doesn't matter how much you say you are committed to your relationship or you are a god fearing woman, In his eyes you was going to be his hoe
There are men out there who see that you do not have a man in your life and they think well you are lonely and they can fill in that empty spot of not having a man in your life and literally invite them selves into that slot even though you have clearly made it clear "You are not interested" That is my problem right now.

I had men follow me around the store. Nobody in particular that I would be interested in, in other words I wasn't physically attracted to the person that was following me around. So far I been lucky that the ones in the stores don't come up and start talking to me.
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Old 05-16-2006, 02:51 AM   #34  
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I always put unwanted attention WAY down the list. I get it heavy (just not as much) But when I was really thin, I thought it more important to satisfy my desire to be healthy and attractive (what I considered attractive). Granted, men that I had known well and didn't give me a second look sexually where now saying inappropriate things to me. That more hurt my feelings than anything. Like, in my new body I was offically a piece of meat. Seems to me that if the attention where not there to annoy me I would in some small way question my appeal. Men are men after all. We don't get to pick who finds us attractive or how they express it. I think its a good, natural thing. I think that some of us here may be feeling alittle vindicated knowing WE can now be the snotty, dismissive girls we have envied in the past. (Not that anybody IS snotty or dismissive.)
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Old 05-16-2006, 05:23 AM   #35  
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Originally Posted by madscientist
Uh oh, I feel a moment coming on.

That's part of the psychological aspect that has kept me overweight so long. I hate unwanted attention and once I pass below a certain size, I start getting it.
It's that way with me too. I think mines had to do with the fact that I was molested when I was younger. I was a tiny lil thing until I was about eight. Then add on to the fact that now, the only guys that hit on me are old and creepy and the rare times that any cute guys my age hit on me if when they just want to make out or more. It's very depressing.
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Old 05-16-2006, 05:40 AM   #36  
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Originally Posted by NFC2006
I totally agree with the fact that it is pretty common to use weight gain either as a defense mechanism or as a way of defying others.

I was always "the fat girl" in school and after, so I didn't have a lot of trouble with guys seeing me out in public and hitting on me - but online friends and co-workers I only had to talk with over the phone, as well as male customers when I worked in customer service, hit on me CONSTANTLY. Being polite or even thoughtful was taken as a come-on.

Yes it's sad that it sometimes feels like an only solution to stay heavy, but I also agree sometimes it's not even a conscious decision. I'm sorry that anyone - male or female - might be forced to deal with negative sexual attention or with people who want to force you to change to fit their ideals.
OMG that happened to be all the time when I worked in customer service for an internet company. Apparantly, I have a sexy voice and I've had guys offer to buy me jewelry and come down to Bama to see me. Same thing when I was working in fast food. When I had to do drive through, guys would hit on me over the intercom but would be pissed when they drove up to the window. Got to the point where I would take the order than busy myself making food, letting someone else take their money.

And I also agree that it's usually not a conscious thing. It wasn't for me. I just gained more weight as I got more depressed. Took me trying to kill myself and getting into therapy before I saw what I was doing to myself and started to understand WHY.
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Old 05-16-2006, 06:26 AM   #37  
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Originally Posted by LLV
I'm sorry, but the whole "I stay fat to avoid attention from men" thing bothers me. Why does it bother me? Because we're BETTER than that, YOU are better than that, you should NEVER risk your own health because of other people.

It's not that I can't sympathize, I just found that to be a little sad.
I agree with you when you said that you don't understand. Note too, that I am addressing a bunch of different posts from different people here, not only yours. I just speak better when it comes in as a stream of consciousness as opposed to individually addressing other comments.

It's not at all about being self-conscience or "letting other people do that to me." I didn't EVER ask for any attention. EVER. It's about be able to go out shopping, to the workplace, to a bar with friends and not being treated like a piece of meat there for the taking. It's about owning my own body and it not being open season for men to comment on, leer at or even grab at which HAS happened, by the way. It's about knowing that men who can't take a solid NO for answer when I tell them that I am taken, so please go away will also not hear me say NO when I tell them when we're alone. It's about understanding that someone who is generally disrespectful like that, probably won't respect any of my other boundaries either. It's about seeing the big picture of what their behavior means.

Now does it sound like I am in any way disrespecting myself by wanting to be treated with a little respect and dignity and be righeously angry when I am not? I think i'm very much the opposite. Because no matter how fat I ever get, nothing will ever convince me anymore that I deserve to be treated like an object. To assert that I refuse that crap should show that I DO have self-respect.

It is NOT sad that I feel I need to be overweight to keep away the attention, it's frankly very logical given my experiences. It is however sad I live in a world where behavior from people like that is acceptable, even encouraged sometimes and I have to endure the violation of my personal space and sense of security because it's a no-win situation. It's sad that we as women are taught that being nice is more important than protecting ourselves or standing up for ourselves. It's sad that when I do, I'm not taken seriously and I'm likely to provoke some of them to attack me because I pissed them off. THAT is what is sad.

I don't make myself deliberately fat, I've been fat since I was 3 years old and because my foster mother was a psycho, SHE kept me fat as a child. As a teen, it was an eating disorder. I gained and lost about 1000lbs I'm certain of it with my bulimia and restriction diets and subsequent binge episodes. And by the time I was grown, I was 275lbs and beyond lost as to what to do to help myself. I experienced being a skinny blonde (very briefly, as a teen) and the crap I was bombarded with made me sick. If you like attention, good on ya. But I don't because I want to respected as a human being, not a pretty thing for men to gawk at. It's degrading to me and makes me feel about 2" tall. If a man wants to say, "You look pretty today" and leave it at that, it's ok. But I can count on one hand how many times that happened, but I'd need the hands of my entire family to count how many times they were crude, degrading comments.

Despite what anyone may think, I didn't dress provocatively either. And even if I did, that STILL does not EVER give someone the right to treat me like crap or treat me less human. It's just an outfit for pete's sake and regardless of who it is directed at, I resent it when someone has the attitude that because a woman dresses a certain way, she should have "known" what was going to happen so therefore, whatever happens is her fault. You know that is exactly the attitude that people use to justify rape and blame the victim for their sick, criminal behavior? Why would any woman want to perpetuate that and buy into that? It's very arrogant for a man to think because a woman is wearing a short skirt or a small top, she must want his attention. Can't a woman wear something just because SHE likes how it looks and feels? IMO, it's their attitude that needs the adjustment, not mine. I'm not out being crude and thinking the other gender is a sex object. But, here were are back again at the big picture behaviors and attitude that make up my feelings on the issue.

I don't consider my weight to be a judge of me. In case I haven't made it clear by now, I want people to see me as a whole being, not a body; be it a good one or a bad one. But it's a fine way to keep away unwanted attention, that is a fact. It is a prevalent attitude that fat women are sexless, and that's exactly how I'm regarded and I like it because I don't have to worry about the crude remarks or gestures to me, and I can walk down the street without men in cars yelling crap to me out the window or following me in their car trying to get me to get in. Yes, that has happened too.

I also don't use my weight to avoid life. I have as many friends as I can handle, a loving husband, a 4.0GPA in college (working on my second degree) I write and play music and I travel to my hearts content because that is one of my greatest loves and our lifestyle supports that. I've lived in exotic places and in all sorts of neat set-ups with people. I'm involved in just about everything that interests me. So, there goes that myth down the drain too. I have thin friends twice my age that hasn't done half of what I have. Because i'm just naturally adventurous and love to express myself.

To remain overweight (or underweight, like in Anorexia) for a purpose is a defense mechanism as someone said. A well-documented one, especially among women who've experienced abuse. But don't make the mistake even for a second to think we who feel that way LIKE being fat or accept being fat. It's plausible to consider that maybe we hate it even more because our protection has become our prison and that is a very emotionally charged realization to come to, when you begin to understand how devastating this defense mechanism has become to your life and WHY is it that I have to hurt myself to be safe? I was 330lbs before I ever decided I had created my own prison because the defense mechanism started when I was a child and it's only been validated and substantiated that I am right in my assessment that fatter is safer to me. I don't go around recommending it to others, but it HAS worked for me, I can't deny that anymore than I can deny that my weight is ****. Not that it should be important, but I made the decision to go into therapy to treat all of my issues, weight included. And I did it for me, not because someone(s) think that I or my thinking is faulty because you know? For my own sanity I can't give a anymore what other people think I should feel or think.

I did mention in my original post that this is an aspect (one aspect) of the psychological reason for being overweight. I think many of us, if not the vast majority, have psychological aspects that perpetuate unhealthy lifestyle. It's not always about bad habits or busy schedules that we get overweight, at least as overweight as I am. So whether I understand your reasons for having weight problems or not, I would at least respect them and not judge something I don't understand.

Last edited by madscientist; 05-16-2006 at 07:02 AM.
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Old 05-16-2006, 06:53 AM   #38  
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It's that way with me too. I think mines had to do with the fact that I was molested when I was younger. I was a tiny lil thing until I was about eight. Then add on to the fact that now, the only guys that hit on me are old and creepy and the rare times that any cute guys my age hit on me if when they just want to make out or more. It's very depressing.

I was too, so I understand where you're coming from.

I worked the night shift at a 24 hour store when I was a teen, and I was the only one there except the stockers in the back of the store. I was hit on by the creepiest guys on the planet. The uniform was an ugly red polo shirt and black slacks too so it wasn't that (although I hate how I have to keep telling everyone I didn't provoke it by dress, action, etc., -- what does that say about how people think??). So I stopped wearing make up and kept my hair in raggedy pony tail to avert them and it still didn't work. I was probably 60lbs lighter than I am now.

I even had an OLD man, must have 80 years old, strike up a conversation with me (seemed innocent enough and I never suspected an old man like that) and a few mins later, said "Say, you're such a pretty girl. You wanna go fool around?" UGH. I was too shocked to do anything but laugh it off and walk away saying I had to go back to work. On two separate occasions, I had a gang of men come up to my register, buying cigs or condoms and try like **** to get my number. One even had the nerve to tell me I was stuck up because I wouldn't go out with him and each time I said no, he would say "Why you gotta be like that!" He looked like a freaking 40 year old crack head. But I was scared out of my mind because here I was 17 years old, ALONE at night in a store where the nearest people wouldn't notice for hours if I was gone. I didn't tell anyone, but I started carrying a switchblade knife to work after the first encounter and was WELL prepared to use it at the second encounter but luckily it never came to that, I called over the intercom for "cashier assistance" and they left in a hurry. The head stocker guy was pissed I called him for "nothing" but whatever, I cared more about my safety than inconveniencing his stupid job.

It did depress me that I kept getting attention like this. I started to think I was some kind of whore and everyone else could see it but me. Why did I only get negative attention? What did I do? Was it my big boobs? Was I sending out the wrong signals? Was I just inherently bad? Was it because my being fat meant I was an easy target because it's said that fat girls are desperate for attention? Did they think I'd say yes because I was one of those elusive desperate fat girls rather than ACTUALLY thinking I was pretty? Is that what I have to get the rest of my life? Is all the things my mother said about me being a sex object really true since that IS how I'm being treated?

I was horrified.

No teenager should ever question herself like that, but my experiences forced me to. I was long time before I managed to get past the self-blame and the feelings of being inherently bad, worthless and objectified. Someone gave me a voice one day and I haven't stopped yelling since. Though I won't pretend like those thoughts never surface anymore because they do.

to you.
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Old 05-16-2006, 08:48 AM   #39  
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Well I certainly don't appreciate rude men either... OR women, for that matter. But... sorry... if you DRESSED like that, what were you expecting?
Where did I say I didn't like the attention?

That was the point of my post... I *DID* like it. I loved it. And had a great time. But now all of that's over because I destroyed myself with food.
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Old 05-16-2006, 08:50 AM   #40  
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LLV: I am as serious as a heart attack.



I agree with you when you said that you don't understand. Note too, that I am addressing a bunch of different posts from different people here, not only yours. I just speak better when it comes in as a stream of consciousness as opposed to individually addressing other comments.
Thank you for explaining. I must admit, it's definitely something I've never seen anyone say before.
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Old 05-16-2006, 08:51 AM   #41  
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Well I certainly don't appreciate rude men either... OR women, for that matter. But... sorry... if you DRESSED like that, what were you expecting? We do live in the real world here! A woman who goes out half exposed IS going to receive attention from men and sorry, but I can't imagine why anyone would dress that way if they did not WANT it.
I never said I didn't want it
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Old 05-16-2006, 08:52 AM   #42  
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Originally Posted by Jayde
I can see that you are passionately mad. It is very saddening to think that many women are trapped in an unhealthy body out of avoiding life. It is also sad when our weight defines how we feel about ourselves in the beauty department.

Yes it is. It's DAMN sad.

And it hurts.

I'm a classic example of the girl who USED to be pretty.

And now I'm not anymore. And never will be again.
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:04 AM   #43  
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Where did I say I didn't like the attention?
That was the point of my post... I *DID* like it. I loved it. And had a great time. But now all of that's over because I destroyed myself with food.
Okay I guess I misunderstood. I thought you were blaming that and that you intentionally got fat to avoid it. But I should have realized from your previous posts that you don't think that way. I think I was just flying through all the threads too fast. Sorry for the miscommunication.
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:07 AM   #44  
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Okay I guess I misunderstood. I thought you were blaming that and that you intentionally got fat to avoid it.
Noooo no no, lol.

Sometimes the attention got old and yes, I ran across quite a few total jerks. But ya gotta take the good with the bad, I guess.

I think because I enjoyed being attractive that it made me sad that any woman would NOT want to be attractive because of this reason or that. But someone else made a good point - it's just as sad for me to have defined myself by my looks just as it's sad someone wouldn't WANT to look good.

If that makes any sense.

So I'm just as bad with my way of thinking.
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Old 05-16-2006, 09:33 AM   #45  
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Originally Posted by Misti in Seattle
Well I certainly don't appreciate rude men either... OR women, for that matter. But... sorry... if you DRESSED like that, what were you expecting? We do live in the real world here! A woman who goes out half exposed IS going to receive attention from men and sorry, but I can't imagine why anyone would dress that way if they did not WANT it.
I see what you are saying.... I really do.... BUT, it is never ever ever ok to assume that a woman should be subjected to obnoxious and sometimes disgusting behavior simply because she dresses a certain way. I find that incredibly arcahaic and it lowers a standard that I believe every woman has a right to hold herself to. I can walk out of my apartment and get catcalled and "complimented" if I'm wearing my hair a certain way or am walking a little taller because I feel so good about the pants I'm wearing. I go out on weekends and get picked up on plenty and I DO NOT go out in tube tops and mini skirts. Most of the compliments I get are harmless and I take them as such. Most of the time I appreciate the feedback. But every so often I can feel the creepiness oozing off some guy as he shamelessly stares at my breasts. I remember an incident in a sandwich shop while my boyfriend and I were on a roadtrip. I was at the pickle station and these two guys were sitting about 2 feet away from my butt and I could FEEL them staring at it. Not just staring, but every look they were exchanging about it, every gesture- I could just feel it. And I felt truly violated. And it had nothing to do with what I was wearing.

I don't think fashion sense has anything to do with it. I have known women who "dress a certain way" and are just as hurt and shamed as someone who has gained weight to hide themselves.
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