Most of my friends are men. (I'm female and married) I've even gone on business trips with them alone. It is quite possible to have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex.
However, I would definitely tell my spouse if something they were doing bothers me, so I would talk to your husband because it DOES bother you. I would do it in a calm, non accusing way for sure.
It's not going to get any better for you stewing and letting it boil internally.
As for working out in general, if it's impossible for you to workout together, is it possible to alternate days or times - like when he gets home it's your time to go.
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I agree with what everyone else said. But I also think some good ideas might be to see if you can find a different gym that has a daycare type situation for kids while you work out. Or if you can't find one see about finding a babysitter or daycare or going to the gym together while the kids are in school (if they are all old enough)
If that doesn't work maybe quit the gym and take the money you save from paying the membership to start buying some home gym stuff like some weights. Then you guys can workout together at home and also do things together as a family like take up walking or even jogging, you can all ride bikes together, they have fun bike addons for pulling younger kids around. Go for hikes, etc...
Or even keep the gym membership and switch off taking turns with who goes this week and who has to work out at home with the kids.
I don't see why he gets to hog the gym and leave you home lol you can make it a whole family thing and it might bring you all closer together
I just think it's inappropriate for a married person to spend time with the opposite sex for any reason. There are some things that can't be avoided such as work relationships or business lunches. Even if she shows up and works out with your dh and "they guys", that's tough to avoid. Just the two of them together, however, that just crosses a line.
I'd venture to guess that most people who end up having affairs don't necessarily plan it. It happens. IMHO, it's best not to put yourself in a situation where the casual friendship can turn in to something more.
It's not just jealousy and it's not about trust. It's just not appropriate. And the fact that you're uncomfortable with it? Instincts? If it doesn't look right or feel right, it's probably not right. The fact that he's not hiding it is a good sign, though.
I'd pull the plug on that one. If he doesn't like it and donsn't comply, then I say, pack up all five kids and join the two of them at the gym. Like you said, why does he get to work out, and why does she get to work out with him while you stay home with the kids?
Oh my goodness, all of this. I trust my husband completely, but he is human and as vulnerable to temptation as anyone, even with a pristine history regarding the opposite sex. Even just the appearance of impropriety should be enough to make your husband think twice, and exponentially moreso since it bothers you for multiple and legitimate reasons.
Especially since you'd like to join him at the gym, I think investing in either the gym's childcare or a rotating system where he watches them one day and you another might be a good compromise. But when it comes to workout partners, makes with males and females with females is a safer bet. If she was a professional trainer and he had employed her it would be different, but I think you are well within your boundaries and not at all jealous to be concerned about this.
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 04-11-2012 at 10:36 PM.
He's telling her he's working out alone with this girl... if he was thinking of doing something wouldn't he have kept the working out together part a secret? Seems he's telling her now and being honest since if she found out later it would look like more.
that's how I would see it... or maybe I'm just too trusting.
I guess I am going against the crowd here. I strongly believe that males and females can be strictly friends. I have a male friend who I study with lots. My husband doesn't mind at all. We trust each other 100%. If he was to have a female work out buddy then all the power to him.
No one is attracted to every single member of the opposite sex. Just because I have a male study partner does not mean I am going to "eventually develop feelings for him"... It just means we are friends who study together and talk about random stuff. Just like I would with any of my female friends.
My husband and I have a close mutual male friend. I will hang out with just this friend alone. If he is spending the weekend at our house, him and I will go to the store or something alone if my husband does not want to or if he is sleeping. This friend and I have stayed up till 4am just the two of us playing PS3 or watching movies. The three of us have even lived together which created tons of alone time with just this male friend and I. Did the thought of even doing something remotely sexual with him cross my mind? NEVER! I also work alone with my male boss at his house. His wife is usually at work. I would be appalled of my husband told me to quit my job (which is amazing!) just because I work alone with a man. My husband doesn't mind at all. He even talks about how jealous he is of my job.
My husband and I are married, but we do not own each other. I do believe it is all based on trust and love. I love him enough to never even want to do anything with any one else. I would never give up my male friends or refuse to make new ones just because I am in a relationship. But again, that's just my opinion.
Also, as the above poster stated, if it was some secret love affair in the making, why would he tell her about it? He's been honest about working out with a female. It would be different if she was making moves on him, but I doubt that she is.
If you're really uncomfortable with it, like others have said, first of all discuss your concerns with him further. You're married, so don't keep anything from him. Also, I'd say alternate workout days with him so you get to go too. And definitely look for a gym that has a daycare. The YMCA I used to work for had one for the younger children (I used to work in it sometimes) as well as a free area for older kids to play games and do crafts.
I respectfully disagree with those that don't see an issue with platonic male- female relationships when there is a spouse or significant other involved.
Agreed that not every man is or will be attracted to EVERY woman, but bottom line....a man is a man and we're all human. Just like a child won't like EVERY piece of candy put in front of him/her, I can garuntee that they will certainly think about trying it and undoubtedly taste it. Why even let your spouse or yourself be subject to a situation like that.
I don't know how old everyone here is, but I think it's a generational thing. We 20 somethings generally don't see the problem with platonic opposite sex friendships because of the age we grew up in. As I read the post I don't necessarily see a problem with him working out with another woman, but I realize that it's entirely likely that everyone who does have a problem with it is older than Candeka and I.
As it is I have male friends, my fiance has female friends and we talk about them with each other. It doesn't phase us and I'm sure most within my age group act the same. I remember reading that my generation is a bit more lax about this anyway, which accounts for the differences in view.
What stood out to me is that he feels the need to exercise FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF by himself and leaves you with the kids when you really want to exercise with him. I agree with others that you should try to find a gym with childcare or invest in home equipment.
Or, you can ask your husband to train you at home. I assume if he spends so long in the gym that he knows his stuff and there is plenty of weight training exercises you can do without equipment. I don't know what kind of exercise you get right now, but I hope you've got some weight training in there!
I'm kind of assuming that your husband does weight training here just because he always worked out with guys before. Women are generally afraid of the weight area so it's entirely possible that she's just the only woman going there and would work out with men regardless. What has he said about her? He might just be impressed that a woman lift weights.
I agree with you sontaikle about the differences in thinking based on age. I am 36 and would not allow it nor would I do it at this stage in life, but when I was in my early-mid 20's, I could care less and I did have many platonic male friends......well, platonic in my eyes.
I applaud the fact that it works for you and Candeka and that your relationships have the mutual trust and respect to do so.
Not good in a small town, I know exactly how they work as I am from a town of less than 300! He may get upset if you bring it up a certain way. Don't "get angry" or he will assume you assume he is doing more than working out with her.
If I were you I would tell him you really wanted to work out with him. That way you both get your exercise and spend some adult time together. Mention that him working out with another woman can be perceived as gossip worthy in your small town (he should know). See what you can work out, but I wouldn't feel great about it either.
I'm 28 and would be uncomfortable with it. I don't have any worries that my husband would cheat, his previous marriage ended in divorce because he came home unexpectedly from a work trip to his ex wife in bed with another guy. He knows how devastating it is.
That said, we don't really hang out with the opposite sex alone very often not because we feel "owned" or because it's forbidden, but out of respect. We have mutual friends both single and married couples though. If it works for other people that's wonderful but each relationship is different and can change over time. I think if OP addresses how uncomfortable it makes her in a rational way her husband should be receptive and understanding. Again, if the tables were reversed and she was spending so much time with another guy and everyone in town started whispering, how would he feel?
I think the worst thing to do in this situation is hold in whatever your feeling and eventually blow up and have a big fight. He'll feel blindsided, attacked and defensive so just open up a conversation about it.
Well I am 27 and I would be very uncomfortable with it.
Just because he tells her that he is working out with another woman, dont mean that he isnt doing something wrong. Its called covering his ***. And vice versa, he might be the perfect husband.
However she is clearly uncomfortable with the situation.
It is also unfair for him to be able to work out and her to be stuck home with the kids when she would like to work out as well.
I think you need to talk to him ( not accuse) and explain that you are uncomfortable with the situation. Make known that you want to work out as well. If he respects you and your relationship he will stop working out with this girl because it is upsetting to you.
Guys,
Do not forget she has five kids. She looks after them 24*7. She also deserves a break. She should go to gym alternate day and her husband should babysit those days.
She should ask her husband to introduce her and also tell him she feels jealous about the other girl.
Alsoshe should tell him, she would like to have a male buddy for some activity together.
Because after five kids situation changes, either husband gets attached like glue or he gets tired of home situation, children howling and shouting all the time.
I'm not a jealous girl at all but if it's ALWAYS her and NEVER you, that's messed up - you should get some gym time too, at the very least.
Just bring it up and be honest and calm. Something like "I trust you and I know you're not messing around or anything, but it makes me uncomfortable that you work out with her every morning and we don't get to go to the gym together."
I'm 25 and went to the YMCA gym with a platonic male friend (we went on a date once but no interest from either side) a couple times. My boyfriend felt uncomfortable with it and just explained his feelings to me, and I didn't think less of him or feel choked by it - I could easily put myself in his shoes and see where he was coming from. I'm sure your husband will be understanding, it sounds like he's been honest thus far.
I just thought of a GREAT solution. Ask little gym skank to babysit while YOU and hubby go to the gym! Problem solved!
So she met him at the gym right? She isn't a long time friend? See, that's where I'd have the issue. I can think of a few of my DH's acquantances that it wouldn't bother me if he worked out with them, but I know them, they are mutual friends. I would, however, have an issue if I wanted to workout with him and this other woman got to while I was stuck at home with the kids.
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