I'm still alive. Sorry, havent' been around much. Battling two headed gila monsters (teenager), overworked, tired...you get the picture.
BUT I've lost those four pounds that seem to have made their way home to Eydie. (And NO I dont wan't them back...they were yours to start with, you keep 'em....or at least lose them away from my general direction? )
Oh, I got a 6% raise effective May 1. Not as much as I would have liked, but it beats the 3% mostly everyone else got. Not that it makes a bit of difference...I'll just pay more taxes.
Ok, I'm typing with wet nails here, so I'll try to catch up in the next few days.
I am still stumbling around with the idea of what I want out of life. Obviously something is wrong and I think I am almost ready to be brave enough to face it. I will fill you in once I figure it out. I do believe I wish I had a loud beaming voice out of the sky to tell me what to do. But then I might recent not being able to decide on my own. Whatever I do, it will change things.
I have had no appetite the last few days and I have had very little sleep. My mind doesn't seem to want to turn off. It is hot outside. I don't want to turn on the a/c. For once I think it isn't any body else who is making me miserable but myself. What I thought I wanted and what I held so close to my heart doesn't appeal to me right now. I know, none of this makes sence. If I said it out loud, it wouldn't make any sence to me either. I really need a break away. CALGON! If only a bubblebath could help.
Anyways, thanks for listening even if you have no idea on what I am saying. I need to go do some housework. I have avoided that like the plague! ~flower
Flower ~ you sound like me... about a year ago, when I came home saying I just couldn't stand it anymore and I quit my job started focusing on me and I have been a different person.. ever since. I don't know what is going on with you, me it was I was not where I was suppose to be and had not ever been. I firmly beleive that someone had been guiding me where I was suppose to go the whole time but I just coudn't make up my mind to listen and since I have I have been happier than I have in the past 13 years. I beleive if your getting signs.. whether they are from my God or yours then it is probably time for a change.
I admit I been lurking more and posting less.. I been on a junkfood week and I been a bit too unmotivated to do anything ..I know I should feel guilty but I dont ..I gained weight back and it is almost like I dont care.. And funny thing is I took a good look in the mirror and I realized that I have alot more to do then just losing weight..No I am not giving up on losing weight but I realize I have alot more work cut out for me appearance wise..I look SO OLD for my age, my hair is getting greyer and greyer and I have wrinkles and my skin feels like paper and it is always dry.I have stretch marks in places that I didnt realize I had strecth marks in..(on my shoulders...How does one get stretch marks there is driving me nuts)Gravity is hitting me body so hard that I just dont like the sight of myself..I look at some of the moms at my daughters school and I look like a grandma next to them..Oh well time to take ACTION I guess..But just where does one start when there is too much to start with????I scanned my wedding pic today to put on my little site,which was taken in 1985.It looked like someone else,in fact it looked like my daughter in a wedding dress!!! Oh well enough whining I just had to get that off my chest(which gravity hit that too ) FLOWER I wish I had the answers to help you with what you want answers from but I dont.. All I can say is take a real good listen to your heart..I admit in the past I didnt and I have regretted some desisions I have made..And living with that regret can be tough..It will take some time for you to understand what it is exactly your heart is telling you,but you need to be patient,it wont be till you can fully understand and beleive what your heart says that you will get the answers your searching for..A human mind is filled with conflicting things,that is due to we think and talk ourself out of everything..If it helps weigh out the pros and cons..Dont think about the pro and cons since the mind can turn a con into a pro if we think about it hard enough..Take a while and jot down a list and after a few weeks go over the list what do you have more of??The heart doesnt overreact the mind does. I dont know what you are talking about and so I will address you a PM and give you my guess there..
AmyJo Thank you for keeping on posting.. Like I said I have been lurking about I just havent had any good upbeat words to say so I been quiet..How did your last exam go .. I read you had 4 out of 5 A so far and you woiuld let us know about that last exam.... I dont think I missed the post but if I did can you rfresh my old burnt out mind??? I think you aced it but I wanna hear it from you..
WildFire I had a feeling you been busy in your homelife..Daughter I think are MADE to be difficult..I was my daughter is and her daughter had BETTER be just like her in EVERYWAY..( I am not making the moms curse since it comes back 10 fold ) CONGRATS on the 6% raise ( maybe by thinking you made a 6% but usually get 3% now with taxes on 6% you are getting 3% where as a 3% would only give you about 1.5% so you are still making out..) H*ll I am grasping at straws here but it sounded good to me..
Eydie Sorry about your gain , but I did too and I still cant get it right either..So we will keep on trying till we do.. Sound good to you???
Punkin Thanks for the quick lesson on Beltane and Midsummer .. What is funny is some people cant figure out the beliefs you believe yet there are the simplest beliefs to believe in.. They are there right smack dab in front of our faces but most cant see it..People tend to overanalyze everything and by doing so they get off track..
OH on a GOOD NOTE..... I am NOT repeat NOT allergic to the cats..Whatever was making me rash up and look like total h*ll I still havent figured out, but I knew deep down it wouldnt be my furbabies causing it..Tyson is now a loving sweet cat eager to be patted (sometimes even too overwhelmingly eager when he jumps on my keyboard as I type when he wants his affection..)Bingo has been quieting down he seems to be very happy just dont want to be bothered unless he wants to be..
I havent added anything yet to my little site..I still have pics to scan and I want to do that BEFORE working on the site since it is time consuming..
Well All I best get going I have a few more posts to get to and email to answer
Take Care
Sheila
Well, I tried to break up with Chris last night. I told him I wanted to break up at 4 pm. At 10:30 we are still having the same discussion. What is that, 6.5 hours of crying, talking, whispering, yelling???? I am so tired. He took the asprin to work with him. He finally heard some of the things I have been saying. He finally let me on on a few things. But I really think it is too late. I am so confused. I completely caught him off guard. He was so smug and so sorrowful and I feel like the worst person in the world. (his love is stronger so he says cause he would never give up, just the thought tears him up) Or my favorite "I thought Griffin would be just like me having both him parents together forever. " Emotional black mail. I have warned him a million times that one day he would lose me. I knew one day I would wake up and I would have lost that loving feeling. And I did. He says he got this job so we could save up, get out of debt, get married and start over. How come it is always tomorrow. Why couldn't we have started over yesterday or last week??? How come he has to be happy to help out around here. He has never done laundry. You see it isn't one thing it is a million tiny things. He thinks I met someone new. He said that would be easier. He doesn't get it. Yes, the thought of someone new, no one in particular is what modivated me to do something about my downward cycle. But I would never leave one man for another. It was suppose to be about me feeling empty and alone. I want conversations, no yelling, away from the tv ect... He turned it around so he is evil, I am looking for a better man, and I am completely unable to give another chance. How many do I give. I have already given one a month for forever. I finally realized that it wasn't him going out that bothered me so, which he thinks since he hasn't gone out in 2 weeks, all is forgiven. But that I am unfullfilled. I am not sure what I need anymore, but over eatting, yelling, drinking and not sleeping are pretty strong clues that what I need isn't at home. I don't want to marry him anymore so what is the point???? Thanks for listenig to me rant. I work at 2 and again tomorrow. I will let you know my outcome on Sunday. Happy Mother's Day to me. ~flower
Flower ~ I pretty much thought that was what was wrong... I am not going to give any advice because I am a lifer.. I just hope that everything works out for the best.
Hi, guys! I've been trolling 3FC looking for positive quotes to post on the Positive's Only Daily Affirmation Thread. Hope it's ok but I'm going to post the following this a.m. from Amyjo01:
I firmly beleive that someone had been guiding me where I was suppose to go the whole time but I just coudn't make up my mind to listen and since I have I have been happier than I have in the past 13 years. I beleive if your getting signs.. whether they are from my God or yours then it is probably time for a change.
Hugs to you!!!!!!!!
Amy
__________________
A man with outward courage dares to die. A man with inward courage dares to live.
Flower, I hurt too to hear the pain in your last post. I wish you strength and clarity as you make your decision. You know, the son of Tenzing Norgay (the Sherpa guide who led Edmund Hilary up Mt. Everest) also is a Mt. Everest guide, and he says in his autobiography that his greatest achievement in life has NOT been that he has climbed Mt. Everest five times but that he has turned back five times.
We prepare our whole lives to achieve some of life's goals through a life partnership -- love, children, security, the strength and security of family -- and our wisdom comes from knowing when it is safest to brave the elements and achieve one dream and when it is safest to turn back and give the soul a fighting chance to achieve another. In your words and your grief, I see that in your heart, you know the path that is right for you. Whether you choose to continue up that mountain or return to your base camp, please know that you are loved, supported, and respected by people here who honor you.
Has anybody heard from Ruthie lately? She and I both planned to do the Rock & Roll Marathon in San Diego. I know things were chaotic for her ... but she seemed to be doing so well with her fundraising and her training ... .
Kim ~ Thank you for those beautiful words of wisdom.... I wish I could of said something so eloquent! Haven't heard from Ruthie in a long long time... Really worried about her- it has probably been at least 3 weeks since I have seen a post from her. I have her envelope for my donation but never got a last name to send it. I was concerned about sending a envelope with just Ruthie on the outside beings that could of just been a psuedo....
Hi everybody how was all your Mothers days??
Mine was pretty good.. I went to my Moms house.. It feels funny going there it sounds so hollow she has been decluttering too..
My kids bought me 6 lilac colored roses and DH bought me an outdoor dining set
FLOWER: How are things going?? Did the talk you had with Chris wake him up?? I know that talk was hard but it had to be discussed.. Dont let his words confuse you.. I know it is hard but this is your life as well.. You need to do what you feel is right for your happiness as well..I have had to have this same kind of talk with my DH back in Sept and it isnt any easier even with a 20 year history.. Luckily my talk woke him out of his self centered routine.. As for why does he put off untill tomorrow, well since he is a male he doesnt realize that tomorrow never comes, and I had to point that out to my DH (DH in this post isnt referring to "dear"or "d*mn" hubyy it is referring him as D*ck head, I apologize now for my choice of words but that is the only nicest term I could use for how I felt at the time) Men do seem to fall into the thoughts as women can do and are always happy to do thing for themselves.. Afterall I know that my DHs mom was like a supermom when he was growing up she never complained never asked for help etc.. Well that sorta thing just doesnt fly in these days..I am not making excuses for Chris just trying to be the devils advocate I guess. I had the same type motivation in my desision to talk with my DH as you did with Chris.. I know it has nothing to do with you going from one to the other.. Just the fresh perspective of life feeling is so overpowering, it really feels good to have someone point out the good aspects of yourself.. And feels great to have a guy show you the best qualities about yourself that even you have forgotten. To realize that you arent DEAD and buried, that you just forgot that you were alive to begin with..I admit I did give more chances then I could or should have given but I thought it was best to do so..Afterall I did have just blown his whole ideas of what he thought were reality outta the water and made him face the REAL reality of what was really going on..And still when he starts to try to slip back in what we discussed I mention to him "Is that really something you should be doing? " I still have my lawyers number all I have to do is call" I know that is blackmail but I think most men werent bred right to understand. I also use to go thru alot of emotional and physical abuse with my DH , becasue I know that is what he used to see growing up.. It isnt excuses that too was brought up and fully discussed at my little talk.. I no longer go thru that sh*t anymore he saw what he was doing and he changed that..So far that change has stuck with him, and he knows that if any of that stuff starts up again I am gone..No note no way of finding me.. (Although I would miss the computer) As I was going to say before I started rambling on and on.. Chris just had his reality blown right outta the water I know you feel like you shouldnt give him a chance but maybe if you give him a last ditch chance he will fix his ways..But stick FIRM to whatever choice you make.. My DH made all the same accusations that Chris made to you..It took a few other talks to clear the slate..It doesnt always happen overnight..I admit to this day I still dont have that "deep in love" feeling like I did back when I met him.. He did damage that slowly heals.. I am healing slowly and so is my DH.. My talk did alot of damage to him as well..My love is coming back but I think I am cautious so not to get lost in that agin .. OK if that didnt make sense I am sorry I am just trying to explain that I know what boat your in right now and I know how sucky that feeling is..Just be strong and have faith in yourself ..
OK I am going to end here so I can check back in later with you all.. Hope all is going good
Take Care
Sheila
I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's day (or "Others Day" for us Moms with non-human babies)
I am happy to report that I'm back down to my pre-illness weight. I'm looking forward to finally having some forward progress next week! I have a dress I want to wear to California in 6 weeks - it is my goal to be able to wear it. I can get it on and buttoned all the way up, but the "boobage" is making the buttons spread funny...
Flower - I have to tell you how proud of you I am. Unfortunately, the hardest, most heartbreaking decisions we make are usually the best ones for us. You have to take care of yourself the next few weeks. This was a life altering decision and believe me, even if it is the right one, you're going to feel like you were hit by a bus.
I was planning on being married forever, I didn't want to be divorced like my parents and when I met and married my husband I wanted it to be "happily ever after". It wasn't - just like you I woke up one morning and wondered if this was what my entire life was going to be - argueing, unhappiness, bickering and the occasional good time. It took me 4 years to leave him. It was the hardest, BEST decision I've ever made and part of me mourns the years I wasted being unable to make the big decision to go. He was awful, hateful and mean about it. He told me he hoped my next boyfriend beat me so that I'd know how good I had it with him - and other things that weren't the point. You have to understand that Chris is angry - at you, at himself, at how life is sometimes and most of all that you're making a decision that he can't control. If he planned on being with you forever he would've worked at making the relationship - not just let it happen. Some relationships are like gardens outta control and end up infested with weeds, a good relationship takes some pruning, weeding and care for it to produce good things.
You can never go wrong when you make a decision to do what's right for you. If it's time to go, then you make the decision and do it. Life's too short to be unhappy or to settle...
Whew... on a lighter note... my cousin had her baby - a boy finally! This is Grandbaby #9 for my aunt. Gotta love that Mormon faith...
Hi everyone. Thank you. Yesterday was one of the hardest/worst days of my life. Top 5 anyways. He packed some things and left. My baby threw a temper tantrum. Kicked and screamed and wouldn't come to me for an hour. My older boys cried and cried. He is dad in their eyes. Cameron was 6 and Riley 2 when Terry died. I feel like the biggest meanie. He called before he went to bed last night and asked if we could date. I told him to call me in a week and ask me out. I suppose that can"t hurt much. Who knows maybe I will be happy to see him. I am worried about him. He has always been so strong willed. A true Leo. He looked like a wounded puppy. Too much guilt for one to handle on mother's day. The thing that gets me is that if he really was willing to change, he would have gotton me a mother's day card from Griffin. nothing... That hurt terribly. I filled my day with doing laundry yesterday. I am happy to have work to go to today.
The big question of the day, can I get through the day without crying. I sure hope so cause I look cute and my mascara will run. I was 194 two weeks ago. I was 173 today. I am sure as soon as I eat fast food, I will gain 10 pounds...so maybe I will stay away from McDonalds. I ate a bowl of cherrios with Strawberrys and soy milk a 1/2 hour ago. Thats all I can stomach.
Well...life isn't suppose to be easy, but it sure should be more fun. ~flower
Flower ~ Sending you cyber-support. I hope that everything works out for the best. Sounds like your doing Awesome with the weight--- STAY AWAY from the fast food demons! Not only is is fattening it is BAD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Punkin ~ Glad your on the rebound... it sounds like you are much better ! Good luck on the outfit.
Sheila ~ Glad you had a nice Mother's Day.. Are you feeling better?
Kim ~ When is the Marathon ? Good luck! It is such a good cause!
Things are grand here, DH has gotten bit by the spring fever bug so we are doing some more "projects" Can't say I am too excited because it usually ends up filling every minute of my spare time and THAT sucks! but they usually turn out wonderful.
Will post a picture of the newest "project when DH and I get through.
Hope your all well!
Hugs to you!
Amy
I really hate that we have lost so many folks... if there is anyone out there lurking it would be nice if you just popped in ..... Ruthie, Summer, Linds? and everyone else that I know is lurking and just not posting shame on you!
Things are a little nuts here. We're moving, well, trying to find somewhere to move to, and work is becoming unbearable. I think hubby is going to start job-hunting, and I won't be far behind.
)
then it is probably time for a change.
)
Gotta love that Mormon faith...
I ate a bowl of cherrios with Strawberrys and soy milk a 1/2 hour ago. Thats all I can stomach. 
Can't say I am too excited because it usually ends up filling every minute of my spare time and THAT sucks! but they usually turn out wonderful.
