Hi there people. Morning here. I'm still feeling lousy but am going to try to get out riding just because that always gives me a mental/emotional lift. And today is supposed to be warm and springlike and I love the warm weather.

Ah, guys, I am losing the weight loss battle. I have no motivation whatsoever anymore. If I don't go to the gym my weight goes right back up again. I simply can't be doing all this movement. I don't have the time or the interest. My days are spent sitting in front of a computer working and even then I have no money. But, really, it's not like I'm totally inactive. I do ride occassionally. I don't know. I don't think I'm eating that much. Even when I write it all down it does not seem like much. Can my metabolism be that screwed up?

Are my appetites just not normal? Perhaps. But I am so bored all the time and find nothing to fill my time with that I can do along with the other boring desk work. Eating is the only thing that gives me pleasure. Ah, I know this sounds like a rant but I am really discouraged about this. I simply can't be fitting in the gym and exercise along with everything else I do.

Derry, how many calories are you eating do you think to maintain your weight? I thought that if I got a bit of fat off that it would stay off. I don't see how I can constantly eat less and less. Is that the only way? Damn, I am really really discouraged. Got on the scale and was 75 kg! And last year I was always around 71, 72 kg. I am definitely not eating more. I guess it's the loss of muscle because I just can't do that or want to do that kind of crazy workouts anymore, but I guess it really revved my metabolism. Guess I'm going to have to count calories. God, I hate doing that! I have enough stuff to do. Okay, enough. any advice is welcome!

Chachee -- welcome back! Where did you go on vacation? Were you on the East Coast? Glad to hear you stayed within bounds but wow, so sorry to hear you were sick. What a bummer while on vacation. Hope you were able to enjoy it somewhat nonetheless.

jolly -- I don't know how you do it with the gym. You sound busier than me and yet there you are getting to the gym. You say you're eating a lot though. How is your weight? Any change? I understand your not wanting to do more with your friend. She isn't being much of a friend, is she? I mean, does she care about you? Does she care about your dog? Or is she more concerned with imagining how she has been slighted by you? Really. People like this need a wakeup call! I don't think your behavior is childish at all. I think hers is. Actually, childish may not be the word. I see more adults like this than anything. She is full of herself. Anyhow, just my two cents worth. . .

Raven - good to hear from you! Sorry to hear you're sick as well. Guess the changing seasons knock a lot of people out. Hope you're better now and can enjoy the horses. It must be difficult with the new job and all. But, heh, keep your eye on the big picture. This job thing is temporary. Good luck!

Hey Red. Just a quick fly by to you. . . Sorry to hear that you are still sick, and that you are feeling so discouraged.

Sorry to tell you this, but counting calories is probably what you need right now. Everyone's metabolism is different, and need different amounts of exercise and calories to lose or maintain. I know it is hard. I know how easy it is to slip into that "giveacrap" mode. It sounds like you have a couple of different issues, though. Are you keeping a food journal? Are you keeping track of amounts, and when/why you are eating? That may help you pinpoint times you need to find something else to keep you occupied, to prevent the eating. This bit of "brilliant" advice comes of course from an expert - I can eat while doing just about anything and everything else - watching tv, reading a book, typing on the computer, talking on the phone, and petting the dog AT THE SAME TIME. Seriously though - when are you feeling bored? What else can you do? Is it your job that bores you? Is it time to look for something else? If unhappiness is what makes you eat, you need to figure out what will make you happy first. YOu deserve it. And I know working out used to make you happy . . .

How do I fit it all in?? Obsessive time control. I get up at 4:30 in the morning, walk and take care of the dogs, have breakfast, and get to the gym before anything else can interrupt (usually). Work, then either go home, take care of the dogs, and work some more, or go ride before going home. I go to bed freakishly early, but if working out is important to me, I have to rearrange my life and my habits to make sure I get that in. It ain't easy, but I do it. Now if only I could be so good with the food. . . If you and I could just combine habits, we would have one supermodel, and one superslug.

As for my friend, I am still not entirely sure WHAT happened. Yes, she does care about me, and all my furry family. I know I was overemotional. I also know that I feel guilty about EVERYTHING, so her need for logic and understanding felt judgemental. I assume that was not her intent, but that is how it felt. As for why she is still not speaking to me?? Well, I am a very emotional person, she is not. Maybe she felt this was just one immature emotional outburst too many. If so, I am sorry to lose her as a friend, but I feel I have apologized for all I can.

Have a good day all. I hope eveyrone is feeling better soon.

Hi guys!
Red, so sorry you are feeling so lousy, I've been there recently and it sounds like the exact same thing I had - amazing that it's all the way across the ocean, but they say germs travel well in airplane ventilation systems and with all the travel people do, wouldn't surprise me if it's the same virus!
Thanks of the "good job" on the chocolate thing. It seems to be getting even easier to avoid it. I really am feeling better. I bought some sugar free peanut butter cookies that I can have just ONE of with a cup of tea and not feel as if I am craving tons more and just HAVE to cheat. I wonder if you might try some sugar free products, Red?
You have remained strong, Red, with your challenge, I am so impressed!
Chach, welcome back! Good to hear from you. Vacations always seem to leave our scales on the upswing, but you will take it right off again!
Sorry you were sick though, that always sucks to be sick on a vacation! When my daughter was 3, she fell against a counter and split a tooth in half (vertically up in under the gum line) while we were on vacation. I have never had such a horrible vacation in my entire life. Poor thing, after two days of agony trying to find a dentist and then having her scream and fight, we ended up at an oral pediatric surgeon who put her under, finally, to remove the tooth. Poor daughter! Poor mom, who cried just about as hard. That is NOT what should happen, as well as being sick on vacations!
I did well today, I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill and ate fully "on program" for a change today!
Linda

Heh guys, wanted to catch up and say thanks jolly, for that sweet post. It gave me a boost. I was reading it on my phone in the subway between stops, downloading it page by page before the reception would die, and, like I said, it made me smile, especially the part about you being able to eat "doing just about anything." It gave me a lift and it gave me somehow the courage to really look at what I was doing, like you said, am I keeping a journal? am I counting calories? NO to both of them. Amounts? No. It's just me being a pouty brat, wanting to do what I've been doing and lose weight I guess. But even so, you're right about trying to pinpoint times when I eat from boredom. Those are NOT times I enjoy. They're times I'm feeling irritated, lousy, depressed, pissed off, discouraged, all those not-so-rosy feelings. THEY are the times my hand-to-mouth motor skills go onto auto pilot (and I'm not sucking my thumb). Am I enjoying those times? Could I get rid of them and maybe, be, well, happier? Yes! I, luckily, don't do mindless eating. Really. It's emotional stuff with me, it's that brat again, contrary, hurt, not being able to do what she wants, so she'll do something she shouldn't be doing, whether she really wants to or not. Like just now, I get home, had a great ride, but am pissed at my work, my life and kind of scared too about thinking there is no work I want to do, that I'm doomed to just do things because they pay the bills. I mean, heck, I may as well go sell my body. Somebody would pay for it and I might have as much, or more, fun. But no, I feel work will never be fun anymore, and so I eat, instead of doing something to make my life a little better, even something like cleaning my room so I don't have to live in a pigsty. But no, I start eating and eating and even though I'm feeling ill and not really even wanting to eat I do it. Ok, this is going to stop (I did not eat sugar though!)

You know, walking through the barn today, hay on the ground in the aisle fallen from the feed wagon, the sound of horses munching their lunch, it was so heavenly. . .I told a friend that that is my paradise and I better get rich soon so I can have a few horses of my own, not have to do the dirty work but just ride them and have other people feed them and muck out their stalls. So, kind of like now, but times three and with the time to ride all three every day and . . .and . . . well, I can dream, can't I?!

You're right jolly, I used to enjoy working out and I could still enjoy it. I have to find ways of getting in touch with myself again, even if it means micromanaging my time again. I do it for riding. I think recently I've just felt there was no hope. What with the possibilities at the paper turned to zero more or less. Latest slap in the face: I've been begging for a racing column for over a year, their excuse was they didn't have money, then just the other day a new columnist comes in to the office to work on his column. Buddies doing favors for each other. They could at least tell me the truth. No, I'm too nice to them is the problem. I want so much to just be able to dump that place, be able to laugh at the people who now laugh at me, and buy a night or two out for all those who don't. . .

Well jolly, I think with your friend and you it may just be a matter of basic incompatibility. You're say you're emotional. Nothing wrong with that. She's full of logic. Nothing wrong with that. But your styles probably just clashed, like you said, maybe one time too many. I tend to think (from experience) that friendships like that tend to just become rather shallow after a while. Still, you can be there for each other in an emergency or some time of need. Sometimes, it's the people who AREN'T like you that can handle the crises best. Other times though, not. In any case, I'm sorry this went this way but there are surely new friends out there, people you maybe can even share more of yourself with, more of a belly laugh, more of a angry rant, and not be afraid they'll walk off in a huff of silence.

derry -- great going on the treadmill and staying on plan! You're really doing well. I, though, in the dumps right now, am taking note of your efforts and am inspired by them, inwardly for now. Yeah, it's a strange illness with me. My voice is badly affected, though it's better than yesterday. The rest of me doesn't feel so bad really. Just kind of a painful chest and I get a coughing tickle and can't stop coughing at times and sometimes I feel feverish, other times kind of lightheaded or chilled. I took a nap this afternoon and that was nice.

You know, I was thinking about our Lenten challenges and what you were saying about your staying away from chocolate to have been kind of an eye-opener for you as far as knowing what you can do. I was thinking about that some today and thinking I want to take the next step, show myself something I think I can't do, show myself I CAN do it. I think I may do the only fruits, vegetables, whole grains and beans eating, even if it's just for a day or a week, take it to a month. I'd be sure to lose on that and I bet I wouldn't have to count calories to do it either. Hmm. . . thinking about it.

Actually, there are very few sugar-free products over here, in fact, I don't know of any except soda and I have never touched the stuff, weird, from the time I was a kid I didn't like it. I think it was the fizz, felt like it was burning my tongue. Anyhow, yeah, the only sugarless thing here is gum. It would be nice I suppose to have some for those real rough times when I tend to eat too much of something I can have when I really just want some sugar. I have been eating this fruit juice sweetened all-fruit preserves in yogut in those times or chewing a bit of sugarless gum, or today I had fresh pineapple, which is just so sweet to me now. . .

I'll get through this slump too. A lot of it has to do with work, what was, what isn't and the two deaths of animals that were close to me over just a month. Like today, it was beautiful and so warm and as I turned into my street, enjoying the sun on my face, glad to have had a good ride, I thought of how Tiger would have likely been out there at the front gate to greet me loving that sun too and I just started crying. And then later tonight I was in the foodstore and I thought I'd get some of that fish stuff that Tiger likes so much and then I remembered. . . yeah, he's not there anymore. So, I guess I maybe shouldn't be so hard on myself or think I'm going to blow up. I mean, heck, I'm not even eating sugar, just feeling pretty down.

Anyhow, thanks all, for your warm support.

Red, I really feel for you missing your animal friends. Can you get another cat, or would the gum thing be passed on to another one if you brought it in the house?
Gosh there are so many sugar free products on the market over here, I wonder if you could mail order some stuff if you wanted to? I love the taste and texture and some of the stuff. I just can't tell the difference, nowadays, mostly that is the products with Splenda in them. Can you get Splenda at least over there? I make this great "baked apple" thing, and you can use Sweet and Low as well, but Splenda is better. I cut up an apple in chunks and sprinkle Splenda on it and some cinnamon and a bit of nutmeg. I cover with plastic wrap and microwave it for about 2 1/2 minutes on high. It comes out VERY hot (be careful not to burn yourself) but it's kind of like apple pie without the sugar and crust! I find that I have that for breakfast with lite english muffins and lite cheddar cheese. Do you get those products? It's a very healthy breakfast and the apple pie and cheese combination satisfies that comfort food thing I have going for me. I have gotten used to using a margarine spray that I get here as well that I put on the lite english muffins and for WW people, this spray is 0 points, so I get the taste, but none of the calories! Yummy and good for you!!!!!
Well, I have a WW meeting today. I won't be weighing in until next week, but I look forward to getting "charged up" with morale support.
If there are any interesting topics brought forth or suggestions, I'll share them with you guys!
Oh yes, DH has gone to a job interview this morning. We'll see what happens. Also, he had a discussion about some consulting work yesterday for another company. as he has had a good working relationship with them for years. That might work out for us, who knows?
Linda in snowy NH

Good morning, Ladies.

Trying to catch up on posts and wanted to pop in.

Red: Hey, we all get in that slump. I'm going to start back in 100% with exercise this next week. I'd say this week, but my hubby now has the flu and I am kinda overwhelmed right now getting things back in order. I know there are always excuses, but not sense in setting myself up for failure. I'm sorry to hear about your kitties. I can't be around cats, as I am highly allergic to them, but think they are sweet animals. My puppies were so happy when we got home and I can only imagine how tough it would be without them around.

Raven: Congrats on the new job. See, the right thing came along. I'm so happy for you and getting the job!

Derry: Congrats on your continued successes. When is hubby's interview? I'll be thinking of him and hoping the right thing comes along.

Happy: Are you getting settled in? How is life in the new place?

Well, work is busy so I must return to it. Wanted to say hey and glad things are starting to get back to "normal" for me.

Happy Tuesday!

Chach

Still here!
Hi everyone! I've been skimming through the last 3 pages of posts, trying to catch up. Seems like everyone is hanging in there. I am glad everyone is able to hit those little bumps life brings us and sail over them with out landing on our butts! Feet first I say!!! Dang, I just spilled coffee on my light blue shirt. Too much enthusiasm.
Hard to believe now, but I am a veteran of 5 marathons. I went to watch the NYC marathon one year and decided someday I would do it. I have run The Western Hemisphere (aka Culver City), 2 LA's, The Seattle and The NYC. My best time was 4:30, slowest was 5:30. They were all amazing experiences and I would love to run again but it's so hard to find the time. I am also suffering from iliotibial band problems so my knee is not happy with me even after a mile or 2. I used to have a goal of running a marathon in every state. 3 down, 47 to go....If I run 2 a year I'll be finishing up when I'm 64. Wow. When my kids are all in school I hope to get my running back up to speed I feel so jealous when I see other women out running. It's so liberating.
Well, I'm still battling the beer, but I'm making progress. If I am determined to lose weight I HAVE TO control myself. It's getting warm here and I can't hide in big clothes much longer.
So I will try to be more diligent about my posts here, limit myself to one beer every now and then, and drink more water and juice. Those are my March goals. See y'all later.

Hey Chicks - I'm sorry for the abbreviated posts, but I generally have very little computer time at work anymore, and that's where I used to always make my posts. My schedule changes from day to day.

Red - I was skimming through your posts, forgive me if I missed important points. I hear so much of my frustrations in your posts, though. The job, the lifestyle, the wanting something so different. The stress, the money, the weight, the time, the animals. I know that I went through what... 9 months?... of not being able to get my head around what I need to do to get the weight off. I KNOW what I need to do, I just was having the motivation issues, the apathy took over, and there were a lot of reasons why it did so. I kept questioning why - why is it that I can do this for nearly a year, lose weight, get in shape, feel fantastic, love my life - then BAM I can't seem to deal with it anymore. I kept telling myself this is my LIFE! I need to change my life, forever, to make this work. I wonder if I didn't just set myself up for failure by doing that. I'm not sure, but what I do know is that a couple days ago I started thinking about it a little differently, and I'm wondering if that will help. I started thinking about how I just need to do what I can, and just for right now. I had to step away from "the rest of my life" for a while. I think I just let the big picture overwhelm me. Or that was part of the problem, anyway. I forgot why I was losing weight. Yeah part of it is because I want to be healthy, but kind of have to be realistic and admit honestly to myself that a huge part of it is because I want to think of myself as attractive. I want to look in the mirror and not wrinkle my nose at the thought of me naked. At the risk of being rude, I want to be able to fantasize without having the reality of what I *really* look like keep ruining all my fun!! *lol* Oh yeah and I don't want to squish my horse, either.

I'm so there with you on the peace I feel when I'm with my horses. And like you, I want that life. I'm making a comittment to achieving that life. I can't stand the thought of NOT having that.

My job pays squat, it's in an office wearing office attire, and it's pretty much everything I don't want. But it's what I need to do to get where I want to be. Where do you want to be, Red? Where are you going to be in 5 years? What's the plan, woman? Are you moving forward or just treading water? I've been treading water for too long, and it was removing all motivation for me to do anything positive about my weight. Because losing the weight itself wasn't going to change my life. It's the changes in my life that are going to remove the weight. Maybe I'm just a very backwards type of person, but I've always needed a concrete reason to do something. Not just a concept, or abiguity, a real, solid, pokeable reason. Not because "it's good for me" but because the career I want demands it, or because I really would like to have sex without cringing and removing all enjoyment because of my weight. I can't ignore those things. They're real, and it becomes a matter of - ice cream or losing weight? What are your reasons? Are they solid? Do they really matter? I'm really, really babbling here, aren't I.

ANYWAY - ok .. my food is getting back on track. I got the yogurt, the lean cuisines, the fruit, and I'm hitting the water again. That was huge. I've stopped hitting the chocolate jar at the front desk, and I avoided the pastries this morning. I know at some point I need to bite the bullet and get my rear on the treadmill again. That is looming, which means it will probably happen soon, because I won't be able to stand that I'm not doing it.

And for now, I really want to avoid worrying about staying on track for a month or six months or the rest of my life. I just want to make it through today. Talk about starting at the beginning. Dang.

I'm not trying to ignore anyone, I'm just rather consumed with my own mental meanderings.

I'm back again this morning.

I've had time to figure out my goal for this month. Like Raven, I need to focus on the here and now. My here and now is this month, and I would like to recover from being slightly off track.

To do that, it's very easy. I need to own my choices on my food and deal with the consequences of eating badly. I would liek my food to really fall in line this month, so to do that I must have the good foods and snacks on hand. Not buying the junk stuff because my hubby wants it. Let him buy it if he wants that.

I made a new journal out a few minutes ago and will start my weigh ins again on Fridays. I have no idea what my weight is right now, but I am hoping it's still in the 230's.

So, for March, here are my goals:

1. Get food back on track. Stay within my WW points and follow the program that has worked so well for me in the past.
2. Get back into exercising at least three times a week, with a walking goal of 30 miles for the rest of the month.

That's it and that's all I want to tackle right now.

Have a great month.

Chach

Hey all. I just have time for a quick post. Red, I laughed when you said that about your hand to mouth coordination and not sucking your thumb. Maybe that's what we need to do. Go back to thumb sucking - no calories, no carcinogens - just a lot of weird stares.

Hi to everyone. Sorry no time to chat to each of you. My food intake is awful still, but I did do upper body weights today. That's something.

I am thinking of everyone. Hope things smooth out.

Wow, so many posts! Thank you all for your support. I have just been so busy today and I'm still not feeling very good. Got swamped with work though. Thank God. It'll be tough doing it but it is a big help toward paying the bills (will worry about the debts later!) I will get back to you all personally later. I read all your posts though and they really helped. Thank you. You guys are great! Ah, Rave, finding that peace even while off the horses. . . that's what we need, isn't it? derry, thanks, I'm feeling better today. Even found a picture of the guy and didn't start crying. It's just some times that hit something some where and sets me off. I'm used to it, not the basket case I sound to be. I would never go out and get another cat (though you know, I would absolutely love to!!). The three do keep me busy. In fact, I have never gone out and gotten an animal. They find me. More later, jolly (you thumbsucker you!), apple, chachee, hello to you all!

Red - Just a quick *hug* to help you get through.

Jolly - You too. *hug*

Chachee.... aw heck... GROUP HUG EVERYBODY!!!!

Ok. Now that I have that out of my system... Food yesterday was right on plan again. I'm starting to feel pretty good about this. It's not that my food is perfect, per se, but I'm not snacking all the time, I'm avoiding the candy jar at work, and I'm starting to integrate fruit and yogurt and stuff like that back in. I'm starting to feel better. I'd like to get a handle on just how much water I'm drinking at work, now that I'm actually drinking it.

I'm not usually a country music person, but I heard a song the other day that really hit home with me. It's sung by Tim McGraw, and the name of it is Live Like You were Dying. As I get older, I am more and more aware of my mortality, and frankly I'm a little tired of wasting time.

Here's to a wonderful Wednesday!

Good morning all. Little bits of inspiration from all sides. Raven, I also like Tim McGraw's "My Next 30 Years." Also inspirational, but a lot more upbeat! Check it out sometime.

Red, you deserve to be a basket case. There are some people for whom a pet is just a belonging. Not for me, nor for you I suspect. They are a part of the family. It is not easy to lose one, and nobody expects you to just get over it. I just hope things ease for you, and that you feel healthier soon. I am going to throw one personal question out there into the cosmos at you. I have seen you post about the cultural differences where you work, and the problems that can cause, the high cost of living, and how much you have to work to make ends meet. Are you happy there? Are you happy doing what you are doing? There has to be SOMETHING that makes it worth while. Is there something else you would rather be doing? Or somewhere else you can do what you do, where the pay and the cost of living are a little more in sync? Just a random thought. I often ponder the "what am I doing question." Especially in times like lately. But, when I think about it, I DO like what I do.

Raven, check your email. Congrats on getting back on plan. YOu can do it!!

Everyone I missed, sorry - working lots and still a little self absorped worrying about the dog thing. I do hope things are going well for you all.

Take it easy.

Hi Ladies,

Finally starting to get back to normal. Ate well yesterday, only one little flub up. It wasn't that bad, though, because they were Slimfast chocolate bars. Taste just like little Butterfinger bars. Not bad at all.

Tonight I have a huge dinner planned. Making chicken stir fry with lots of veggies and no rice for me. I put zucchini, onions, bamboo, water chestnuts, sesame seeds, chicken, rice vinegar and soy sauce. It's going to be great and very healthy also!

Raven: I'll admit it...I'm a redneck, so I know all those songs you talkabout. He has some great ones that I think he wrote when he finally realized what was important. He also sings one about "I'll show you how a real bad boy and be a real good man". Makes me smile when I think about it. He also wrote one for his mom when she found out she had breast cancer. A sincere man and a gorgeous one also. That Faith Hill is a lucky woman. I'm glad that things are going well. Seems like things sometimes just fall into place, huh?

Jolly: Thumb sucking, huh? I have really long silk (yes, FAKE) nails, so sucking the thumb might pose a problem. I might end up gagging myself, then throwing up. Hmmm...would that be an anorexic thing or just a behavior thing? Forget it, I can't stand throwing up anyway. I don't know how people do that. A toilet seat is for one part of the body, and I don't want my face going where my booty goes...

Red: I loved your inspiration you posted. I'm sorry about them hiring that other columnist. What a slap in the face. Might make you just want to do even more and show him up. Sometimes it works the opposite way, though. Keep your head up, if you can,and just keep plugging along. I hate it when life sucks, don't you?

Well, I better get to work. Have a great day, everyone.

Happy Wednesday!

Chach