Good morning, everyone. I slept in later than I had planned. All the working out must have played havoc. I went to bed early last night and was walking up at odd hours. I didn't do any work yesterday on these manuscripts I have and I didn't prepare my interview for today. So I have that to do in the next few hours. I don't mind the interviews themselves so much it's the preparation and getting a bit dressed up and such that tires me out. Also, I can't just lug my stuff around for the gym and so for afterward. . . whine, winge, I'm feeling so torn and hating it. People, help me with some advice, will you?
That job at the publishing house looks set. I'm bascially getting what I'd want but still dreading the thought of it. I am such a person who wants the banter, the camraderie of a workplace and I know this place won't have that. I picture it as the boring Japanese office, with people quiet and bent over their work. Not only because it's Japanese but because that's the way publishing houses tend to be. I worked in one before. And I'm already missing that part of the newspaper, which, on top of me loving the newspaper as it COULD be, I did love interacting with the diverse bunch of people we have on our desk at the paper. That is, in fact, what has kept me there, that and knowing I could goof of. When no one cares about you and your work, you don't care back. It makes for a very responsibility-free environment. Now, I'm thinking that it is like the trap of any group in which you feel comfortable but one that takes you no where. I do think the present environment of the paper, apart from the other foreigners, is hurting me, souring me, making me ever more cynical and sarcastic, which I don't like to be. The publishing environment is not anywhere near ideal and never will be. I need to be talking and interacting with the world, with life. Though I love books, making them seems to be in direct proportion inversely to what they do, bring the world to the reader. Making them isolates you. I suppose I should think of the finished product more than the process. In newspapers it's never the article itself that gives me a boost. It's getting the article. In publishing, unless I'm writing my own book (which is a thought but would be extra to my work in the office) I am the editor, not the creator and I have never been a happy editor. Do you think I can look at the potential for development in the areas I want to develop in, being there in the midst of book world and can justify the pain of the world itself? I don't know. I'm scared and feeling a LOT of anxiety. At the paper, however, I feel, because of the present management, abused, ignored and belittled and I think that does nothing for my talents. perhaps I can keep my hand in to the paper, by writing from the outside, one or two shifts a week inside. . . sorry to bother you with this but I need someone to talk to about it and don't have anyone. I want to keep this totally hush at the office. I've only told one guy but he's not so available to talk. Besides, he's not as objective as I think you would be.
Over to you. . at last!!
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Not much action here, has there been. I was expecting a lot more. It's hard being so out of the time loop with you all. It seems like when I have time there is little here. When I have no time the posts pour in!
grasshopper -- Did you get your workout in? I hope so. Why were you feeling crappy? Physically, or emotionally, both? Do you know why you were feeling that way? Is it from the chocolate perhaps? 138 pounds. And you're pretty tall, aren't you. I had to figure it in kilos, just under 63. I would love to be there and I'm only just over 5 feet. You must look great. No wonder you are having trouble losing more. These last few are always the hardest. I see people in bodybuilding contests trying to get those last pounds off to get ripped and they do SO much work it's unbelievable. And they are barely eating. All the guys are lightheaded before the contests and still working out hard to keep the muscle. I'm not saying you have to knock yourself out. It sounds like you already work out hard but maybe you can find a bit of solace in reminding yourself that losing weight is not easy at all, especially in the stages you're in. The body wants to maintain the fat, it is doing its utmost to maintain it in order to help you survive in the case of famine or long marches across the desert or being holed up in a cave for weeks during a siege by hostile tribes. I think those people who can stay at an extremely low bodyfat level would all have been dead years ago. Today they can always find food. Our bodies are more suspicious of the fickle ways of the world.
I mean, seriously, I hear the stories of people having survived 10 days after the recent tsunami. There was that boy who survived up in a tree with nothing to eat. And you have to wonder how he could do that. He was already thin. But he was probably one of the people with a "survivor's" body. He would be one of the people in the WW meetings, bemoaning how he couldn't lose weight. Well, here it meant his life. Something to remember, don't you think, when you're feeling frustrated. At least we have the choice.
Crime girl -- glad you could pop in and thanks for explaining things. Well, don't know if I want to exactly kick you but that was part of my reason for asking. I noticed you weren't writing so much about yourself and that usually signals . . .!!. . you know what!!
Thanks too for your encouragement about my riding. I think the other people at the club who ride the horse (I really have no say in it) are doing it totally wrong for her. I think she merely learns to rebel more and more when people just kick and whip her as they do. But then, I have to learn to and my timing is off when I kick or whip her (these aren't as bad as they sound) but I have to learn and at least I think I am getting better. I do think she is smart enough to differentiate between the riders and be more cooperative with a better rider. I think she has already learned so many tricks, though because she was used for beginners all along. Also, she is just totally uncooperative. I mean, can't she be more forgiving of our sins? Of course, she doesn't know what I am doing for her, and the hardships I endure to pay her bills, but sometimes, a lot of times! I just want to give up. I don't think she is loyal to me because I can only get there three times a week and I am not the only influence in her life. However. I do bring her apples and carrots and sugar, which the others don't, so I know she likes me for that. I'm hoping she can feel the affection I have for her, which I know the others don't have either. She always gives me nickers and whinnies when she seems me coming and I can see her eye pressed up against the stall door as she tries to look down the barn row to see me coming. OK, it's probably just because I mean snacks, but maybe it's more. I mean, what is affection, really? Someone makes you feel good, whatever form that takes. Anyhow, I just ask the gods of the animals to help me out.
stormy -- Oh, stormy, that story of your ex-patient is horrible. Why did he have to go that way? Why didn't someone hear him, why couldn't he have crawled away (maybe not able even to do that, right?) why didn't he have a phone, a beeper, something? Questions like this must have plagued you when it happened, no? I am so sorry. How can you NOT get emotionally involved with your patients. I would think it's this very ability that would make you a good therapist. You must become very strong.
My cats are not well, none of them are and they are all chronic. Two of the gum and throat inflammation that is apparently incurable and I can only take them in for steroid shots. Two others, who suffered terribly at some point in their lives, one from starvation, the other from being hit by a car, are weakened and have chronic colds, running noses and sneezing. Also, I don't have the money to be giving them constant care. Still I think it's better than their alternative. The state for animals in this country is appalling. I think it's killing me though, caring for all these animals. And I see that the ones I took for shots are not even better this morning, which has never happened before. Usually the shots work right away. If they're not working right away I don't think they're going to work. It's so depressing.
Jacque -- I am so glad to hear that you are joining a gym! And don't just join, USE it!! Making gyms a part of my life was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was the reason I finally got my weight down when I first came to Japan. I can't believe your husband says they are a waste of time. All I can think is that he is the type that can exercise outside or at home. I don't like doing that and know I won't do as much as I would at the gym. The gym has been a sanctuary for ME and me alone. It is also a socializing place that doesn't mean food and drink is a part of that socializing, which it almost always is. I never think about the money for the gym and that's not because I have ample stores of it. It is a necessary investment, a necessary expense, like electricity or gas. That's the way I think of it. I'm glad you're sticking to your guns about this. How awful that your husband is not doing everything he can to help you in your weight loss endeavor. Since I'm single this is something I don't have although I have had boyfriends who were not totally supportive. They are no longer my boyfriends, not because of that I would say, but it was probably a large part of it and indicative of other things in the relationship I didn't like. I think that for me the encouragement and cheering-on aspect of a relationship, the making me laugh and feel alive, is the only reason I have them. I am so independent otherwise that these are my only real needs, not looking for completion through someone else, but looking for something more, something added. So if that aspect, the fun, the lifting-up when down, the sharing when I'm up, isn't there, I see no reason to continue the relationship. It becomes a burden. Everyone is different I guess and though I find it hard to fathom at times I understand it is apparently so. So, good luck to you. Maybe your husband is afraid of you becoming stronger and more attractive. He may feel threatened, like he is losing a bit of "control" over you, When people start doing things to please themselves it is a very scary prospect for many. I don't know. I just say to those type, "deal with it, I'm not here to carry you. You've got to carry yourself." Toughie, aren't I?
I did get to ride, thanks. So good to be able to. And thanks so much for having faith in me. That makes me want to try harder and so far I am doing better than last week, I think. If I can keep the beer nights down to none or maybe just one, I think I will see a loss. 
Come on, I am counting on you to set a good example around here for the less disciplined among us such as ME!!
but, really, how do you have low esteem looking like that? I know, I know, it's not really relevant. Still, here you are getting adults saying they'd kill for your looks! And forget about boyfriend's exs. Just be YOUR best and you'll blow 'em away anyhow! Women guys say "damn, she's hot" have it rough too I think. Even if they have a personality or brains no one cares and no one wants to know either. i think if you DO have brains or a great personality, no one will say you're hot even if you are. Most of the "hot" stuff is because guys feel they can do anything at all with those type of women, anything at all except take them seriously! 
