[RavenToy]

Yep, I agree... this is all about balance, and finding what really works for us. I'm struggling to find out what works for ME. Not what's worked for anyone else. And I'm struggling to find out what works as a lifestyle, not as a diet. And I also agree that so much of it is based in self esteem. I thought a lot about what Red said about what difference did it make whether I got on that plane 50 pounds overweight or not? I suppose really, the only thing that was figuring into that was shame. My own shame at meeting new people, starting a new adventure, and still carrying around the old baggage, the old fat, the evidence of my old failings. But that shouldn't have anything to do with this, and I see that now. So now, my real goal is to establish what my caloric intake needs to be to just maintain my weight as it is. I have a fair idea of that, but I don't know it for sure. Then from there I can cut down on this or substitute something else for the higher calorie version or whatever to get the roughly 5 pounds a month or 1-2 pounds a week I would like to see me losing. I'm tired of agonizing about eating the wrong thing, I'm tired of obsessing about how many ounces of this or how many cups of that... I can't live that way for the rest of my life. I also am tired of pushing myself into activities that I will not continue for more than a few months. I have been setting the bar so high, repeatedly, that I would simply burn out trying to achieve it. I think it was the ideal, not really the realistic or even the truly desired. I gave lip service to the "I don't want to be perfect." But inside, that's all I thought about. I think I'm beginning to accept I really don't WANT perfect. I want ME. I want to eat in a way that keeps me happy and satisfied, but still achieves my slow weight loss goals. I want to exercise, but I'm so sick and tired of forcing myself to do things to impress other people or to prove a point. And yes, I'm very guilty of doing exactly that. It's taking some weird thought processes, but I think I'm starting to approach realistic instead of fantasy and idealistic.

[jollygirl]

Here's to balance. I like what you wrote, Raven. I, too, am starting to find that balance. I still have moments, like earlier this week, when I fall back on old patterns. But again, I am trying to change 33 years of behavior. It is not easy. All I can say, is reassure you that as I am working toward finding that balance - between accepting myself today while still wanting to change - that self esteem improves, which makes it easier to face the next challenge. Yes, I had a rough part of the week. But I forced myself to face it, and work through it, and I am stronger today. For facing it and not hiding.

Good luck, my friend. And never forget your worth.

[derrydaughter]

Well, Raven, Jolly, Red, and everyone, sounds like we all need to find away to kick our butts into gear. I really know exactly what I ought to be doing, but actually doing it is another thing.
I was better yesterday and used one flex point by the end of the day, not too bad.
This morning, I worked out and have been doing some serious house cleaning as my brother in law is coming, unexpectedly, for dinner this evening. He has not seen this house and we moved here in Dec. I want it to look nice the first time he sees it. So hard to keep a house clean with teens in the house!
Raven, sounds like you made some serious accomplishments with your horse, congrats! Could I be a little silly and tell you all that I trained my cat to roll over like a dog. I think it's amusing, but the rest of the family thinks I am nuts!
I like what you said, Red, about it being an attitude and a belief with the horse that carries through. So, we must square our collective shoulders and have an attitude like that and believe that we are really successful with our weight loss efforts. We are the ones who will show the other's how it's done! Maybe the way we carry ourselves in everything we do will show others that we command respect? I like that!
Jolly, so glad you went to your meeting and ended up with a loss! Sounds like it was just the right thing to keep you going!
Sometimes they say at ww meetings that if you eat too little, the body thinks it's starving and won't allow the weight to come off, then if you spend a few days being "bad", the body then gets the message that the "famine" is past and will let go of a little more? I like to use that excuse, sometimes, when I am overeating a bit, at least!
Raven said, Sometimes I think we're getting too good at owning up to our slip-ups and getting too comfortable with them.
Maybe you are right. We confess our "sins" to each other and we all are VERY understanding to each other. Maybe we need to be LESS understanding? It's so hard to be less understanding, though, as no one knows better than people like us what it's like to really want something and throw caution to the wind, etc.
Red kind of said this same thing as well.
I need to take a serious look at what I want to accomplish and recognize that I misbehave and what the triggers are that make me do that.
Seems we eat out at least two or three times a week, that is NORMAL for our family. So, why does my mind say to me, each time we eat out, that it's a "special occasion" that allows me to have what I used to have, before ww? I need to control those urges, eat better ALL the time!
Jolly, I am right there with you when you say "I refuse to be one of the 96% that gains the weight back. Been there, done that, not gonna do it again". I could have said the exact same thing!
I want to stay thinner/healthier for the rest of my life. For me, if that means journaling each and every day of my life and always being this way, then I shall do this! You see, I realize that I can lose weight. It's taking longer this time, and it's harder, as I am older now and in "menopause". I can do this, however, if I stop all my efforts as I get to goal weight, then it's going to come right back on me again - and probably more.
Next time, my body will hold on to the weight even more when I try again to lose, and I would try again.
So, this time is the LAST time.
Never told you guys this, but a carload of teens drove by me one day when I was loading a few things into the car awhile ago and my "better side" was clearly in view vs. my face. One of the kids in the car said, loudly, "Look at the fatty" and they all laughed. I could have cried. I don't want anyone to ever ride by me again and say that. I want people who see me, even when I am 60 or 70, to say "she's in great shape, she must work out". Wouldn't that be great?
Well, off I go, we are starting in with a severe thunderstorm and not a good idea to be on line!
Linda

[happy2bme]

Geez Linda, if you're 150 pounds and they are making fatty remarks, remind me to stay far away from NH That's just plain ignorant. I'd have to make like Kathy Baker in the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" and just mow them down - I'm older and better insured... By the way, where are you going in Rhode Island on vacation?

I must say I am getting more and more disgusted with the general state of the population. People seem to think that they have some God given right to their own happiness and doing their own thing to the point that it totally infringes upon or endangers those around them. When did we lose manners, the golden rule, personal responsibility and general laws of a civilized society? I told my husband the other day that maybe we should just liquidate everything we have and move to some tiny patch of land in a remote forsaken area of Idaho or Montana or Wyoming already.

And I have channelled that anger and frustration back to myself. As of Sunday night, I gave myself a few good boots. No more excuses, gentle hugs or kicks. Time to take some responsibility for my actions. There are things I want to do and things I have to do. The "wants" are generally alot more satisfying short term but over the long haul keep me in the very place I've been for too long. On the other hand, the "have tos" are not fun, are usually met with lots of groaning and invoke an immediate avoidance factor. But the bottom line is, everything is a choice and I can't really complain, nor will I allow myself to do it if I keep giving in to the wants and never doing the need tos. I'm never going to change if I keep reverting back to old habits.

It's like smoking, sure I still want to smoke after a clean 4 months but now I tell myself too bad, so sad, things are tough all over - just get over yourself Happy and DEAL WITH IT. You're NOT going to do this anymore. So now I suck fresh air into a clean straw when I can't get the urges out of my head and I'm comfortable with that... And I figure I can apply the same principles to the weight, food and exercise.

Thusfar this week it has worked. Yes I have had some ice cream but I chose to eat it even after I weighted the pros and cons of it. And that was that. I also rode my bike consistently so far - even did it twice today. I was huffing and puffing - I really need to strengthen my legs and it was that thought that got me out on the bike twice. I'm not doing 20 miles at a crack NOW but if I give in and say I'm tired after 10 minutes, I never will be able to ride for an hour at a time.

Derry you are right to focus hard now. I am older than you and I have been through getting older, menopause, hypothyroidism and can tell you with complete assurance that all those things DO make the weight loss efforts even more of a challenge. I really wish I had changed my life style back when I was in my early 30's. But can't change the past, can only control what I'm going to do in the very next minute. I also agree with you on the eating out bit. Most menus have some sort of diet friendly selections but rarely will I chose them. Actually I was out shopping this weekend and stopped for lunch. I was about to chose something that was really yummy but was in the midst of my boot myself lecture. I wound up with a bowl of clear soup and 1 single trip to the salad bar. And there was plenty of space on my plate around the salad items. Believe me, I don't do that very often. A little voice in my head said "if you can't chose wisely then maybe you shouldn't be eating in a restaurant". Way too often I give in to myself and it's this endless cycle of give in, guilt, eat, chastise, be good, be tempted, give in, and on and on. I finally accepted the fact that either I make a long term, concentrated effort to change or I accept myself as I am - avoiding mirrors, out of shape, out of breath, ashamed that I don't look anywhere near what I'd like to and just getting bigger every year. I learned to control one addiction, maybe I can do the same for another.

Sorry.. that is my ramble for the week. Now, don't you wish I had just shut up?

I do like your theme of balance and accountability. I'm in if you are. And congrats to the horsey highlights some of you have experienced this week. Righto, this greenhorn does not understand them but I do understand that they have made you guys excited in a good way and that's got to be something to cheer about.

yes... I will be in bed by midnight - even if there is a great meteor shower outside. G'night all.

[redballoon]

YOWZA!! Happy, you are on a ROLL!! Do I wish you had just shut up?!?! NO WAY!! Your post has the chills running up and down my spine. Jeez oh man, this is better than caffeine, which I was about to stoke up on to fuel my gym madness. Maybe I won't even need it!! Way to go, woman!!

Ok, just had to come in to say that. Out and back. Will talk later. Raven, Derry, loved your posts as well. Derry, megamorons, the kids in the car, and that's what they are, kids. At 150 you couldn't be all that much of a fatty. Like happy says, just ignorant types. But, heh, if it motivates you to get that rear in shape for someone who can truly appreciate it in all its forms, then cheers and get to work!!

[jollygirl]

Good morning all. Derry, it is amazing how people are. Weight seems to be the last acceptable thing to make fun of and predjudice against. I wish people would just learn. Happy, congrats on all the steps you are making in the right direction. Stopping smoking is huge, and you are right - if you can tackle that beast, you can tackle the weight, or anything else.

I have an appointment next week to step up my weight training. My friend will laugh at me. After dragging my feet, then being dragged kicking and screaming into doing weights, I can't say I love doing weights, but I love the results. The first routine I set up was 30 minutes of upper and lower body. It is good, helped get me in a routine, and has shown some results. But now that I am doing it, I really want to focus more. So one of the trainers is going to help me set up two workouts. one for upper and abs, and one for lower and butt. The other thing is that I am now noticing when clothes are not fitting right. I have this pair of pants I love, but realize how really too big they are. So, instead of holding on to them until they are rags, I am going to send them to Goodwill, and look for their smaller sibling.

Oh well. Off to work. I will talk to you all later.

[derrydaughter]

Happy, the fatty remark was when I was heavier, probably about 165 or so. But, still, it hurt. It was one of the things that led me here and back to ww, though, so maybe it was a Godsend?
We are going, in RI, to a place called Weekapaug. My in laws have had a place in that community for years. My husband's grandparents we going down there before my father in law was even born. They rented in those days, then finally purchased a place of their own there, as they love it so. It's right on the ocean, just North of the CT border. Looks like hurricane Charley might be downgraded to a tropical storm and might be making a "visit" while we are there. I'm coming stocked with books to read, sewing, knitting and don't mind, just getting away is nice! We leave on Sunday and come back on Wednesday, not a long vacation as Wacky (the famous boss from ****) has deemed it appropriate that Lancelot not be allowed to take the rest of the week off. Typical.
Happy, I too have wondered what has happened to our society, it's a "me, me, me" thing with little regard for others. Though, those of us, here, don't seem that way. I totally agree with what you said. I turn on the tv and there is nothing but "trashy" things on the are "naughty" all the time. Why has our society gotten to the point where something has to be "naughty" to be entertaining? I'm not in that mindset at all, and wonder why this is happening?
Don't mind my religious views here, but it kind of goes along with removing the 10 commandments from that court building that was in the news. I don't think they were put there to enforce some else's religion onto others, I think they were put there as a reminder of the "laws" that humanity needs to follow. The 10 commandments, like the "golden rule" are important weather you believe in God or not. Seems like there are many subversive groups who are just bashing what is left of "goodness" in the world because they get all up in arms about their "rights". Yet, the rights of others who quietly and obediently go through each day are being "trod upon" day in and day out. Sorry if I was spouting off a bit, just a bit frustrated.
Happy, one thing that I have to share this morning is that I have been smoke free for about 17 1/2 years. There are STILL days, here and there, that I would like one, just so you know. It gets easier, better, and one day soon you will walk into a smoke filled room and find the odor detestable, then you will truly know you are done with it, forever!
Hi Red, Hi Raven, Hi Jolly, wonder how Chachee is? Hope she's ok, will probably be back to us soon with a full report? Did she ever mention what her mom said when she came to visit? Sassy, are you out there?
Linda

[happy2bme]

'Morning chickies.

Derry, my husband is from Westerly/Dunns Corners RI. He would walk to the beach from his house (about a mile away) and as a teenager he cleaned the beach at the jetty. So I am well familiar with the area - sure is pretty out there. We don't get over there much anymore but when we do, I make sure he takes me out to the rocks because I love to sit there and listen to the surf, especially at night. Enjoy your few days, brief as they might be. Hope the hurricane holds back just like Bonnie did. And I totally agree with everything you said about "spouting off" - when you get tired, you can step down off the soapbox and I'll take over.

Chachee, hope the surgery went well for you, sending you good thoughts.

Jolly, that's terrific that you are stepping up the weight training. Coupled with the cardio it will really help to reshape the body. I need to start back on the Pilates again - I am a terrible sloucher and that really makes you look huge. You're right about the ill fitting clothes too - big loose clothes only make us look bigger than big. I got 2 really great shirts on a fabulous close out sale but they are a bigger size than I need. They were such a bargain I couldn't resist and I really liked them, but now that I see them on, they are too big and really are quite unflattering. We tend to shy away from fitted clothes but really, that's what looks best on us.

I was going to go camping this weekend - all excited about it too but an extended family member had a death in the family and we will be attending the memorial service on Sunday. Kinda bummed about that because I so have been wanting to go camping but I think it's more important to support her instead. Just as well I suppose as I can get some things done around here.

Gotta run now, hope you all have a terrific weekend!

[RavenToy]

Hiya chickies...

Still fighting some sort of stomach bug - I was better yesterday, then not so great today. I wish it would just GO. My computer seems to be fighting some sort of bug, too. I keep sweeping with Ad-Aware and Symantic, yet still I get weird explorer hijacking behavior. It's making me buggy.

I spent about an hour yesterday rasping Eve's hooves. That has GOT to count as something. On a good note, my back is fine. My forearms, however, got REAL tired. I *think* I'm getting some idea of what I'm doing. I guess I'll know for sure when Cindy comes back in September and takes a look at them with her practiced eye.

Happy - I'm sorry about the death in the family, and that you didn't get to go camping.

Linda - I hope you have a nice vacation.

Jolly WTG on cleaning out the closet and splitting the weight routines. Now you're sounding like a serious lifter. I always went with a three way split myself. Hope you get the results you're looking for.

I too am hoping Chach is doing ok .. I sent her an e-mail, haven't heard anything back yet, but I can kind of understand that.

It's finally Friday, this has been another brain frying week. I hope the weekend is quiet. I have several folks down in FL I'm a little worried about right now because of Charley. One gal is only 3 miles inland very close to the point of landfall. And last I heard they're saying this thing will be a Cat. 3 when it hits. She's refused to evacuate because she has no truck or trailer to take her horses with her, and she won't leave them. At the risk of sounding like I'm insane, I can understand where she's coming from. I'll just say a lot of prayers at this point, and hope that everyone down there comes through Charley safely.

[jollygirl]

TGIF,ladies. That is all I can say. TGIF. I am going to eat some dinner, watch the Olympics, and maybe do some cleaning. I need to rest. Here's to a great weekend for all of us, and safety from the storms.

Later.

[derrydaughter]

"Pay attention to health issues and don't let yourself emotionally sabotage those things that are important to you."
I cut a pasted this from my morning Aquarius horoscope as it soooo seemed to "fit" for me this week.
Yesterday, I cheated, I had doughnuts. I knew what I was doing, and still had them anyway. What's wrong with me? I am going away, I should be at my BEST with my ww plan, so if I indulge in a bit "extra" over the next few days I can "break even" with my weight. Yet, I was really out of line and feel almost "hung over" this morning. What was I thinking? Today had better be better.... no one to blame but me!
Happy, sounds like you and I might have one of those "small world" kind of connections, given that my in laws kind of "grew up" in the same area that your husband is from. I sent you a private message with their family last name. It would be such a thrill if they knew each other! My husband cleaned the beach at the jetty, too, when he was a teenager and he was a lifeguard there as well!
Hope you feel better, Raven. I hate stomach bugs. I always joke that I lose weight, but would rather not lose a thing that way!
Might post more later as I will be home alone this evening. Lancelot and my daughter are going to RI today. My son has to work tonight, so I won't go until tomorrow, with him. I never spend an evening alone, particularly on a Saturday night.
Linda

[redballoon]

Good morning, everyone. A rainy one in Tokyo today, thus I'm finding some time to write. Rained out of riding. I really miss seeing my horse. Oh well, try to think of how to use this day otherwise. No lack of options there, that's for sure.

Recently, I have been really trying to look at my thinking and uncover all the underlying negativity that I know exists. On the surface I am the picture of optimism, keep at it, you can do it, don't worry, hang in there, all those are my phrases to myself and to others but on the INSIDE I've been realizing how I am the total opposite.

The reason I started thinking about this was that I just don't see progress. I seem stuck in a cycle of work hard/see progress (lose weight)/goof off, binge, sloth/backslide (gain weight)/get disgusted with myself/get back on the ball/ and over and over again it goes.

And it got me wondering, just what is going on here?!?!?!? I have the feeling I used to do better, used to actually be able to at least enjoy the progress for a matter or weeks. Now, it seems as if the first sign of progress is a signal to me to scramble madly to sabotage myself, as if I am intent on maintaining the status quo. WHY?!?! I honestly don't understand why I would do this. All the books say, in one way or the other, that there is an underlying reason for this, something we're putting in our own paths to block ourselves or some fear or payoff that is preventing us from getting to where we say we want to go. But, for the life of me, I truly don't see it.

I admit I can't see myself as the me I want to be either. Or when I try to I feel this sudden feeling of, why bother? And then I think, well, give it up, if you really don't feel like bothering, if the reasons don't hold so much for you, then just don't do it. And then I think, no, I really do want this and here again is the round and round.

Wow, what is happening? Anybody have any insights?

******

Derry -- you know, your last message sounds very similar. You eating the doughnuts, being fully aware of what you were doing and doing it anyhow, then asking, what's wrong with me? Maybe we can mull this together.

Raven -- hope you're feeling better. How's the stomach? I read that Charley caused a lot of damage in Florida. Sure hope your friend and her horses are OK. You don't sound crazy to me. Just because they're animals don't make them any less cherished than humans would be. I, on the other hand, simply cannot understand people who don't think this way. But then, I'm a vegetarian because of it and most people just don't have the love of animals I do I guess.

You know, Raven, I was reading an earlier message of yours and I really hear you on that shame part. Well, I don't think it's shame with me but it is a great affront to my pride to think that I am carrying around baggage from the past. And yes, I see my fat as that. I see it as the effect my experiences have had on me that I make the choices I do, that I don't feel the desire to get the body I want, or, that even though I have the desire, I don't do what's necessary to get there. And that pisses me off. I don't mind meeting people or anything because of it but I do just always feel that I've gone into things (life!) unprepared and that it's no fault but my own, that I could be so much more and yet don't make the effort. To me I seem to be making massive efforts to just live, pay the bills, get through the day, make the appointments that I've said I would make. And it seems I never get around to doing the things I say are so important or when I do I turn around and UNDO them.

Your talking about wanting to be perfect, and then thinking of accepting realistic, I don't know. Sometimes I think my goals are too high but then again, if others can do them, certainly I can. I think maybe my thinking they're too high is what is truly keeping me from them. That I allow myself to be so influenced from other people's ideas, their acceptance of mediocrity, that I then think of my dreams as unattainable, when there is no reason in the world I shouldn't be able to lose fat, have a strong, toned body on top of the other things I do in my life, ride, work, socialize.

When I talk to people who are tops in their fields, whatever that may be, and I talk to a lot because of my work, I hear their attitude. It's not one of, oh, this is so hard, this is such a struggle. They simply acknowledge that it does take discipline but look at me with a look that says, yeah, and so what?, isn't that obvious? I also see the way other people treat them, act around them. No one would dare try to stop them, to say, oh, why do you want to do that? It's obvious at this point why they want to do it, because it must feel great to be where they are. The ones who complain about their own lacks around these disciplined types are looked on with, though not disdain, a very palpable disinterest. Their whinings are simply blocked out, an annoyance.

Well, I'm just trying to look at things here because I hear you saying over and over you want this and that and then not getting it, and then saying making you're wanting too much, and then deciding, no, after all, you DO want it, and it sounds so much like me.

I find too that I am surrounded by an awful lot of people who are very happy with not really doing anything. They complain a lot but are very, very ready with an excuse and more often than not it's age. People much younger than me say they're getting old and write off their habits to that. It seems to be an acceptance of their own unhappiness.

Even yesterday at work, a young guy was upset because his health check indicated his liver wasn't in the best shape. Now, this is a young guy who drinks a lot, as do many of the people here. It seems a simple equation, too much drinking is bad for the liver, right? duh?!!? Instead of him just saying, ok, no big thing, off the booze for a while, he sat there all day worrying, saying he was shocked, that he'd thought he was the picture of health, that he should get it checked further etc. etc. The idea of not drinking or cutting down just did not sit well with him. It's like he was looking for everything to do BUT that. Weird.

happy -- yes, sorry to hear of the death in your family. That is so good of you to be there for support at this time. How are you doing with your kick butt attitude? Have you kept it up?

Jolly -- what's up with you? how are the weights? I love them. And, don't the Olympics just inspire you? I love watching them too. Of course, I'm forced to watch a lot more judo, volleyball and swimming than I'd like to because Japan is strong in those sports so the coverage is focused on them but I do like gymnastics and the marathon so that is nice as you see a lot of those too. Sure wish they'd show a more varied view of things though and not just focus on the one county's athletes. I think this happens all over though. I guess there's not much way around that.

[jollygirl]

Hello all. Just a quick post in a crazy weekend. Trying to get some more practise in for next week's golf outing. Riding, of course. Helping a friend out at a horse show tomorrow. Starting raquetball lessons this week. Renting "Hidalgo." Trying to decide if I should put in for a promotion or not. Hmmmmm. Lots of things to keep me up nights.

Happy, sorry to hear about the death in the family. Raven, hope you and your friends, etc are safe from the storm. Derry, have fun in Rhode Island. Red, I see both sides of your post. You are right, sometimes we block our own progress with cleverly hidden self doubts. But, there is also some truth in goals being too high. Yes, if someone else can do something, I should be able to - but not necessarily everything. We each have our own gifts and strengths. Just because some people can run a sub 4 minute mile, I ain't never gonna. you know what I mean. Again, there has to be that balance and perspective between what really is out of range, and what is self defeating. It is a hard one.

Take care everyone, and have a wonderful weekend.

[redballoon]

Hi jolly, hope you get through your busy weekend. Horse shows. Love 'em.
I hear you on the too-high a goal, but I am still convinced that the only block to the vast majority of goals is a lack of desire. I mean, sure I'd like to ride in the Olympics, but I know I don't have the desire to do what would be necessary. But I think I could.

You could probably run a sub 4-minute mile if you really wanted to train for that, or you could get very close. I mean, sure, some things are simply not possible, but, remember, there's no need for extremes or thereotical discourse. All I'm talking about here is a very simple desire to get the body I want to have, which is had by many, many people, and I'm not talking growing 6 more inches or plastic surgery! If I think I can, if I think of it as easy then I can do it! You know, often, I'm in the gym and my workout is over, and I think, that was really nothing hard at all. But I have myself so psyched up that it is SO much work, oh poor me, poor me, that I have started to believe it myself. I think this is learned behavior, in part from trying to protect oneself from people who would exploit you. I have learned to say I'm busy when I'm not because I want the time to myself etc. and I have learned to say I need more money when I could just as well be more careful somewhere.

I really think that I have been trying to convince myself that my goals were too high IN ORDER for me to sabotage them. Bizarre? Twisted? No doubt!!

I'm going to try to have more of a can-do! attitude, even if it's done by stealth!

[RavenToy]

I think that some do one, some do another. Yes, we could do anything "if we had the desire." But I think it's more than desire. We may have the desire, but not the will, the committment, the drive, the perseverence, the time, the money, etc. And there are so many people who set the bar too high for the reality of all those things.

I have recently come into a true passion in my life. I believe that passion is ONE of the things that allows people to excel greatly in a particular area in their life. I have come farther in training a horse and rasping their hooves in the last three months than I would have ever believed possible, simply because for me it is extremely fun. It's hard work, it's exhausting sometimes, it's physically and mentally demanding and challenging. But I don't complain, don't whine, at least not seriously. Sometimes in jest. Because I love it. See, THAT is something I feel totally compelled to excel in. I don't have anything to prove, I just want to learn, and keep learning, and then learn some more.

With my weight, I've had too much to prove, and I'm sick of it. Do I like lifting weights? Yes - sometimes. Am I willing to accept that I don't like it all the time and realize that there are people who will consider that wimping out? Sure, **** yeah. Finally, I am. Let them run a horse around a roundpen for an hour and a half breathing dust and nearly getting their head kicked off a few times, then as they're coughing up crap from their lungs, rasp a horse's hooves that's dancing all over the place and knocks them in the head so hard they see stars with a back hoof because it was trying to kick off a fly, but keep working till those hooves are beautiful and perfect and their arms hurt like a mother because they can't afford a hoof stand. *chuckle* That's my reality. That's my passion. That's my love. I've been struggling for two years to find a reason to even bother losing weight. I'm really truly understanding a few things... like one of the biggest problems I've had was eating for all the wrong reasons. Yes, I knew that for a long time... gave it lip service, still did it. That is one of my big pushes now. Stop eating for any reason but because I'm hungry and I need food. At least the vast majority of the time. Eat reasonable portions of whatever the heck I want. If I want junk - I'll eat junk, just in a small portion. Ok, so it's not the best nutritional approach. One thing at a time. I don't eat much junk anyway, so that's not that big of an issue, what really kills me is the "dessert after every meal" syndrome. I want to be ME. Not what I think I should be to meet anyone else's standards. I've been trying so hard to prove that I can lose weight, that I lost sight of actually losing weight. I've been trying so hard to prove that I can work out, I lost all enjoyment of it. I wasn't doing it for me, because I liked it, I was doing it to prove something to everyone else. And I'm not going to do that anymore.

There's one thing I've finally come to, and it started almost a year ago, and it's really beginning to blossom in my life. I LIKE me. I like who I am. I honestly like my body. It needs improvements, and I'll do that as I go. It will never be the "perfect" body I have so long fantasized about. Not because I'm incapable of achieving that, but because I do not care to put the work into it. At least not now. I will continue working on pilates, and I will continue to tweak my food and my lifestyle, because I really do want to lose another 40-45 pounds.

And I will.