Sounds like a plan Amy.
Well I stuck to my goal last night. I ate no crap in bed with my book and I was successful in sleeping most of the night. Only woke once which is amazing for me. Usually wake several times and sleep awful. So I'm guessing the junk in bed before sleep has something to do with that.
Have drank 1 glass water so far today.... will aim for more
I've read Twilight Vonni. I got it for Christmas and now my daughter's reading it. Will have to wait before I can get the next one though, can't really be going out and buying books when I've got so many bills to pay!!!
I had THE worst case of heartburn last night. I'd just sat down to eat dinner when I broke out in a cold sweat, my mouth started watering and I had this terrible feeling like something stuck in my throat. Just managed to get into the loo before I threw up, I never throw up! So no dinner for me yesterday, not at all like me to miss a meal!!!
Yikes, that certainly doesn't sound like normal heartburn! Hope you're feeling okay now Barb.
I had an okay day yesterday despite my thumping head. Went to the gym after work and did 40 minutes cardio and then went out for dinner with my mum. I had mashed potatoes, winter veggies and lamb shank and it was delicious
Gym tonight with my trainer, last session with him as he's resigned from my gym.
Great day yesterday ... walked around the market in the morning played wii fit with my friends in the afternoon and then swam for and hour and a half in th evening.. and stuck to my cals
I jumped on the scales this morning - 74kg . I knew I had spent the last month or more stuffing up and avoiding the consequences, but I decided that before I go and undo 2.5 years of good work I had better face the truth.
I feel like a failure at the moment. After all I have learned, and all the good work I have done I still resort to the old me! But I get so bloody tired of counting calories, of working so hard, and feeling like I am treading water.
I'm bored with food - no, that's a lie. As I sat here and wrote those words it hit me like a brick. I'm not bored with food, but that's how it feels. I eat when I'm not hungry, because I THINK I am.
And I HATE it that I've met a woman who has woken me up and made me want something emotionally. Something I very clearly cannot have.
I don't want food to become my comfort, my nurturer, my surrogate lover. I don't want it to be the thing that makes me feel good or bad, happy or sad, I don't want it to make me FEEL anything! I just want it to fuel my body!
I don't know what to do.
But I do know this: It's a very rare thing for me to admit to anyone that I feel emotionally vulnerable, and that I'm sad, and that I wish I could have something I simply can't. And for me to be telling you this… well it makes me feel like there might be a chance I can catch this before it gets too out of hand.
I also know that I will be very, very angry with myself if I let my weight get back up to 75kg. Because I made myself a promise that I would NEVER allow that to happen.
So I am going to start all over again today. And I will harness my sadness and all these weird feelings I am having, and I will try and use them to help me lose weight again.
I'm sure there's a very important life lesson in here for me somewhere. I can't see it yet, but it's somehow related to being emotionally vulnerable and masking that with food.
How do I do it? How do I be a fat chick who feels very unsafe and not turn to food? I don't know.
You sound like your in a very bad place at the moment Ani. Sorry I can't help you. Why can't you have this woman? Is she in a relationship already? It's not like you to get defeated by all of this crap, you're the one we all look to for inspiration, you always manage to find whatever it is blocking the way and conquer it no matter what. I hope you can find it again, you deserve to be happy.
made me want something emotionally. Something I very clearly cannot have.
Ani why can you not have anything emotionally? I understand that some people may be taken etc etc..... but that does NOT mean YOU are not worth having something too. You ARE worth it. Are you subconciously attracted to 'taken' women to protect yourself from becoming emotionally involved with ANYone?
I know way back you mentioned being very hurt in the past, but move forward.... take a chance. You deserve happiness
But im glad you got your emotions out.. we all need to do it.. even the stronger ones..
ive had another successful day and im pleased.. i have had sooo many reasons to binge the last few days and i havent.
I dont remember whether or not i told you guys but one of my friends told her sister she had killed an old lady missing from up my street in december
.. .. seems liek the police may have found the old lady( monday ) and whats worse she is in bits a pieces makes it very hard to come to terms with knowing my friend was capable of that ... ( they havent confirmed yet whether or not it is the lady .. but im feeling very certain it is.. becuase of the other things that were found and where they found it )
Before this i could still kinda just sweep the thoughts under the rug and just make scenarios in my head that the lady was somewhere ok but now ... Friday they found the ladies dna in her car and monday they found human remains near her house.. I know they havent confirmed whos remains it is yet but i dont hink it take much to figure it out
Barb she's straight, and I wouldn't even mention it to her - she's too valuable a friend for me to introduce that kind of tension to our friendship.
Vonni I suspect you're right - she's safe.
Hey Amy have you told the police what you're friend is saying? If it's the same situation, that old lady's murder has attracted a lot of media interest. It's terrible.
I think confession must be good for the soul. After writing yesterday's self-indulgent rant I felt a lot more in control of what I was doing - and then I had a visit from an old friend (the one who started losing weight with me, then stopped contacting me when she put all her weight back on). I had a chat to her about it and ended up being able to laugh about it all.
But most importantly I was able to eat on plan, and the only chocolate/evening snack I had was two Freddo frogs. While I was eating them I was aware of what I was doing - and why. So I ended the day with 1415 calories and 2L of water.
I still feel all the conflicting emotions that I did yesterday, but I am learning a really important lesson here… I'm going to have to confront those feelings, stop being afraid of them, and stop substituting/numbing them with chocolate .
Today is a brand new opportunity to be in control of food, to make choices that will be healthy for me, and to stop punishing myself for having feelings that make me uncomfortable.
You sound so much better today Ani. Good for you. I love the fact that you come to these humps in life and look for the reasons behind why you do the things that you do. You should be proud of yourself for not sweeping things under the rug. Most of us do this and never really get anywhere, these things always find ways to creep back into life. I can also understand not wanting to ruin a friendship. But Vonni is right, you deserve to be happy and have someone to share life with.
OMG Amy! I have no idea how I would feel knowing that I had a friend capable of doing what your friend has allegedly done. Am I right in thinking that you already talked to the police about her? If not go and do it right now!
Heartburn (funnily enough, we're learning GI drugs in my pharm class this week!). Sounds like a heartburn scenario, although with vomiting it is more like reflux.
Avoid: smoking, caffeine, spicy foods, eating before bed.
Do: Antacids (short term relief), raise head of bed at night.
If it's repetitive, go and get a breath test for H. pylori. Its a bug in your stomach that causes acid reflux and leads to ulcers. If you have it, it's eradicated by antibiotics (triple therapy) for 7-14 days.
i have been talking with police the whole time and today Angelika was arrested ... the body was the old lady Vonne ... i didnt want to say who it was until it was out there..
AngeliKa has two daughters 3 and 10 .. she is an exfamily daycare worker and then worked at a newsagents nearby where she stole a credit card from a co worker and lost her job..
mid year there was an old man she was trying to scam.. and all the things she has been doing has lead up to this point ..
but the media has realised her identity now.. so i dont feel so bad .
im very releived she has been caught and have had a very unhappy little boy . he told me last night he knew everything becuase he over heard us speaking about it to the police back in december .. He has been scared ever since poor kid. I spoke to the school counciler today becuase i was worried about him and she has put a plan into place to get Cameron help.. the education deparment are sending him a pyscologist tommorrow.. they are not wasting any time.. Cameron told kerri ( the counseller) all the graphic details ...... he is only 8..
he told her he was only upset becuase he wouldnt see his friend again.. ( angelika's daughter) but there was far more too it...
Tonight i told him Angelika has been arressted he threw his arms up and cheered then gave me a big hug and started to cry.. he told me then he has been scared ever since.. and upset .. but didnt want to tell me becuase he thought he would be in trouble fro listening to something he shouldn't have.. My son has been terrifed for Months.. its so horrible to think that .. i didnt think he knew.. and now he is acting normal again.. i told my mum in the school holidays he was acting funny and was becoming a bit withdrawn and wasnt his normal happy self.. he been having trouble sleeping for months and has been very sullen but never put it all together.. I was too busy trying to deal with everything myself and i just didnt realise till last night when he finally told me.. he knew ...
Amy that must be so awful for you. I don;t know what to say.... But I will say this.. Cameron is getting help to deal with it, but you also take care of yrself. You will be Camerons rock for quite a while and he can also be yours. Talk about it to someone if you need to, even if its on how to assist the kids thrugh it.
Much hugs
I agree 100% with Vonni - it's great that Cameron is getting counselling and support, but don't you neglect your own feelings in relation to what's happened. Talk to us, talk to friends, counsellors… anyone who will listen, and get whatever support you need .
I had another good day and reached all my goals. I was tempted to sabotage it all yesterday morning. It as pay day so I went to the ATM at the shopping centre, withdrew $300 - or thought I did - but the machine gave me back my card, kept my money - and debited my account. Now that was my food, petrol, cat food and living money for the fortnight.
So I went into the bank and they told me it would take up to 21 days to investigate and credit me with MY money. No matter how much I tried to tell them it was all the money I had, and that I would not eat, drive to work, feed my cats etc without that money, they were immovable.
They said they could give me an overdraft for a small fee of $45. No way! It's MY salary, THEIR stuff-up and they wanted to make a profit out of it? So I had a little tantrum in the bank, then walked away REALLY wanting to stuff my face.
But I didn't!
And I'm off to work soon, and have to work all day with 'she who has done my head in' - or my heart .
And I am absolutely determined that this will be Day Three of reaching every single goal I set myself, and I WILL NOT let myself down!
. I knew I had spent the last month or more stuffing up and avoiding the consequences, but I decided that before I go and undo 2.5 years of good work I had better face the truth.
.
. 