PCOS/Insulin Resistance SupportSupport for us with any of the following: Insulin Resistance, Syndrome X, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or other endocrine disorders.
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothinh happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in. " The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Joe, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together discussing how wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'
So you've tried Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, Slim-Fast,
hypnosis - but you just can't lose that excess fat and get back the fit
and trim body you used to have. Well, don't despair, because help is
here thanks to the amazing new Preschooler Diet.
Remember how light you were and the boundless energy you had as
a 3-and 4-year-old? All your baby fat was gone, your skin was smooth
and your head was full of shiny hair and gum. The key to recapturing
that ideal body type is to once again eat like a preschooler.
It works like this:
For breakfast, you have a small Barney-bowl full of Cheerios with 2
percent milk, four banana slices on the side and a sippy cup of orange
juice. Using a spoon with a blue rubber handle, eat half the cereal and
dribble the rest of it down your chin and onto your shirt. Take two big
sips of juice; try to gargle with it and then laugh convulsively, causing
the juice to shoot out your nose. Mash the banana slices into the table
with your fingers.
Lunch is a Bob-The-Builder bowl of Spaghetti-Os (fortified with calcium),
eight green beans and a cup-with-lid-and-straw full of milk. Chewing the
spoon with the red rubber handle, you eat the calcium fortified
Spaghetti-Os with your hands. Wipe excess sauce from your hands
onto your pants and make bubbles in your milk. Eat two and a half green
beans and then try to force the rest into the straw. Blow with all your
might into the green-bean-stuffed straw.
Your mid-afternoon snack can be any two of the following: Goldfish
crackers, raisins, grapes (cut into eighths to avoid choking) or string
cheese. You may have one sippy cup of half apple juice, half water. Eat
crackers, raisins, grapes, or cheese by tossing handfuls of them into the
air and seeing how many you can catch with your mouth. Grind whatever
you don't catch into the carpet with your shoe.
Dinner consists of macaroni and cheese, peas and applesauce. Refuse
to eat your macaroni and cheese with only one utensil; instead use both
a fork and a spoon. Alternate bites, first using the fork in your right hand
and then using the spoon in your left. Eat the applesauce only with the
fork, dripping most of it through the fork prongs and onto your lap. Insert
peas into nose.
The key to the Preschooler Diet is not what you eat but, rather, that most
of the food on your plate ends up on the floor instead of in your stomach.
But as with any diet, food is only part of the answer; you also have to
exercise. Like a preschooler.
This includes riding your trike in the driveway, jumping on the couch,
pretending everything is a sword, spinning until you fall down and crying.
After a few short weeks on the Preschooler Diet program, you're
guaranteed to be as slim, energetic and emotionally unpredictable as you
were before your spirit, creativity, dreams and individuality were crushed
by organized public schooling.
Of course, first consult your physician to ensure that the Preschooler
Diet is appropriate for you. If it's not, you might have to consider the even
more radical and rapid weight-loss regimen of the Toddler Diet.
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
A middle-aged woman was going through her mid-life crisis, so she went
out and bought herself a new bright red Porsche.
She decided to take her new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day. She got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden she saw a highway patrolwoman with her blue lights and siren blaring coming up behind her. She decided she and her new Porsche would outrun the cop. So she sped up to 95 mph and then to 105 mph, but the officer was in hot pursuit. She finally came to her senses and said to herself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for
this," so she pulled over.
The patrolwoman came up to the car and told her, "It's been a long day and I'm tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So she told the officer, "Last night my husband ran off with a patrolwoman. When I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring him back."
The officer looked at her and said, "Have a nice day."
She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains.
He showed her several patterns, but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies "fifteen inches.""Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman.
"That sounds very small...what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but, Miss,
computers do not have curtains! The blonde says,
"Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
> >A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor
> >gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a
> >semen sample tomorrow."
> >The next day, the old geezer returned to the doctor's office and gave
> >him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
> >The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
> >"Well, doc, it's like this..... First I tried with my right hand, but
> >nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked
> >my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still
> >nothing.
> >She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
> >teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next
> >door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she
> >even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."
> >The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor!"
> >The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, with our
> >arthritis, we still couldn't get the damn jar open."
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery ... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
Catholic Mothers...
The Pre-Schooler Diet!!
Don't Kick The Animals!!
He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon." 
The Patrol Woman!!
:
Shark!!!!!
