Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically
challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothinh happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in. " The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Joe, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Joe."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Joe."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'

A middle-aged woman was going through her mid-life crisis, so she went
out and bought herself a new bright red Porsche.

She decided to take her new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day. She got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden she saw a highway patrolwoman with her blue lights and siren blaring coming up behind her. She decided she and her new Porsche would outrun the cop. So she sped up to 95 mph and then to 105 mph, but the officer was in hot pursuit. She finally came to her senses and said to herself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for
this," so she pulled over.

The patrolwoman came up to the car and told her, "It's been a long day and I'm tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So she told the officer, "Last night my husband ran off with a patrolwoman. When I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring him back."

The officer looked at her and said, "Have a nice day."

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. :

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is, "An
apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,"
is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
tape!!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation -- just remember, it could have been worse.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

> >1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and hasn't started to dig."

> >2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

> >3. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has been,' but more of a definite 'won't be'."

> >4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

> >5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

> >7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

> >8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

> >9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

> >10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

> >11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

> >12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

> >13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

> >14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

> >15. "He's been working with glue too much."

> >16. "He would argue with a signpost."

> >17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

> >18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

> >19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

> >20. "A photographic memory but with the lens covee glued on."

> >21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

> >22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

> >23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

> >24. "He's got two brains cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

> >25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

> >26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

> >27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hearthe ocean."

> >28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

> >29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

> >30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

> >31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

> >32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."