True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!!
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and lightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient wenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both of his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for abou ttwenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--Won't admit his name.. (Gee I wonder why!!! )

Revenge of The Blondes

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

This list is designed to be a quick check for you to review. Use it to give yourself ideas to maintain your relationship, to give it a positive boost or just simply for some ideas. Print this list off and give it to your partner and then take it in turns, fulfilling what each other wants from the list.

1. Hug her/him.

2. Write a love note.

3. Call her/him at work just to say "Hi."

4. Give a foot massage.

5. Tell a joke.

6. Caress her/him with slow gentle strokes.

7. Go for a walk with her/him.

8. Admit your mistakes.

9. Say: "I love you."

10. Indulge a whim.

11. Listen to her/him talk about an interest of hers/his.

12. Be trustworthy.

13. Instead of complaining, tell her/him what you would prefer.

14. Look at her/him when you're in a discussion.

15. Send her/him flowers. (They`re not just for us girls.)

16. Compliment something she/he did.

17. Offer to help.

18. Ask her/him to show you how to do something.

19. Write a poem about how special she/he is to you.

20. Ask her/him what she'd/he'd like sexually.

21. Take an afternoon drive.

22. Go away together for a weekend holiday.

23. Do something she/he wants to do.

24. Listen to her/him (even if she/he is boring you.)

25. Plan a candlelit dinner.

26. Look at old photos together.

27. Serve her/him breakfast in bed.

28. Take a shower together.

29. Share sexual fantasies.

30. Do a work project together.

31. Give her/him an all over body massage.

32. Plan a picnic lunch.

33. Repeat what she/he says before answering.

34. Send her/him a card.

35. Surprise her/him with a gift.

36. Cook her/his favorite meal.

37. Put on some romantic music.

38. Put together a compilation tape of both your favourite songs.

39. Ask for her/his opinion.

40. Ask her/him how he feels.

41. Let her/him know when you are proud of her/him.

42. Invite her/him to a secret rendezvous.

43. Listen openly to her/his opposing opinion.

44. Watch her/his favourite TV programme with her/him.

45. Watch a sunset together.

46. Play a game together.

47. Have her/him teach you something he/she knows.

48. Go to a movie of his/her choice.

49. Meet him/her for lunch.

50. Let him/her know you care

The other morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the ****?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Babe," he hollered into the bathroom, " Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'"

You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as
female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a
gender. And here are some of them:

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to
warm up.

TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But
consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and
while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on
trying.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch talkin'...

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!... I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

Button Sayings:

I go to conventions for teachers, or science fiction, and there is always at least one person there selling calligraphy buttons. Over the years, I've collected some with awesome sayings... Unfortunately, I can't wear most of them to school, so maybe I can share them here:

1. Cats don't get into mischief. Cats ARE mischief.
2. I think, therefore I am. What's your excuse?
3. Somewhere, my vocational guidance counselor is having a good laugh. (This was a gift from my best friend when I graduated with my degree in vocational/transition planning)
4. Its a Jewish thing. If you've got a little time, I'll explain it to you.
5. Imagination is intelligence having fun.
6. It seemed like a good idea at the time!
7. DO IT! Its easier to get forgiveness than permission.
8. This job is a test. It is only a test. If it had been a real job, it would have been followed by pay raises and promotions.
9. Do what the little voices tell you--They're making sense!
10. What part of MEOW didn't you understand?
11. My life may be strange, but at least its not BORING!
12. Oh no, not another learning experience!
13. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
14. By Gd, for a moment there, it all made sense...
15. This isn't ****. This is where you get sent when you're bad in ****.
16. Available Introvert, Say Hi!

And my favorites:
17. If at first you don't succeed, become a school administrator.
18. Of course I have a Lesson Plan!

(The latter one tends to make prinicpals think you really DON'T plan... which is why I don't wear it to school anymore!)

Not myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cat.... He's Mr. Innocent.

(Lies through her keyboard! haahaha)

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
A Commuter
**********************************************
Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
The Railroad
**********************************************
Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your reply to my letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ***. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your trains in the last two years.

Yours truly,
A Commuter

Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the
rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked
in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and
asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.

The boss asked her where did she think she was going ??

"Home," The blonde answered, "I can't work in the dark."

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."

3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."

6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

9. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."