[DonnaD]

MAD WIFE DISEASE > > He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife > > walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a > > rolled up magazine. > > "Ouch!!" What was that for?" he asked. > > > > "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with > > the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. > > "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary > > Lou was the name of one of the > > horses I bet on," he explained. > > "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have > > known there was a good explanation." > > > > Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she > > walked up and hit him in the head again, this > > time with an iron skillet, which knocked him > > out cold. > > > > When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that > > for?"> She replied, "Your horse called". >
1.

[blugirrl1]

[Noodles913]

Got this in the E-Mail today and HAD to share it!!!

Today's Issue is dedicated to Mothers everywhere. It includes some of our
favorite quotes having to do with Mothers and Motherhood.

1. God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - Jewish
Proverb

2. The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will
always find forgiveness. -Honore' de Balzac (1799-1850)

3. There is no velvet so soft as a mother's lap no rose as lovely as her
smile, no path so flowery as that imprinted with her footsteps. -Archibald
Thompson

4. All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.- Abraham
Lincoln (1809-1865)

5. Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's
secret hope outlives them all. -Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

6. Richer than Gold
You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be --
I had a mother who read to me.
Strickland Gillilan

7. My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my
mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and
physical education I received from her. - George Washington (1732-1799)

8. If I had a flower for each time I thought of My Mother, I could walk in my
garden forever. - Unknown

9. A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden,
fall upon us;
when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice
with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still
will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to
dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
-Washington Irving

10. There was never a great man who had not a great mother. Olive Schreiner


Things Mom's have been known to say.

* As long as you're living under MY roof you'll do what I say!
* Ill treat you like an adult when you start acting like one!
* You can look but DON'T TOUCH!
* Go to your room and think about what you did!
* How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.
* You won't be happy until you break that, will you?
* You know I don't sleep until you get home!

[ellis]

Very nice, Noodles... thank you.

[Noodles913]

One day while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and appeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble," the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble," the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband," the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: When a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!!

[ellis]

[blugirrl1]

[Jennifer 3FC]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials
for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have
some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
probably said "Holy crap! A talking pig!"

[ellis]

[ellis]

How bizarre... last time I heard that joke, the sexes were switched.

[ellis]

It takes one to know one.

[blugirrl1]

[Noodles913]

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O' Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. ****, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

[Noodles913]

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

And the number one thing to say when you've been caught?


1. "... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[Noodles913]

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and maybe the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.