1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4 High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me....
and at this time of year we could all use a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have found the
secret to inner peace. The article read, "The way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't
finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey. And the
prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.... You may pass this on to those you feel
are in need of Inner Peace.
Number One Idiot of 2003 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no
need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, but at
the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her
that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right
away.
Number Two Idiot of 2003 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for
a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot of 2003 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote:
"this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller's window! So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Number Four Idiot of 2003 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
mailed in his $40.
Number Five Idiot of 2003 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you
are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave them the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Six Idiot of 2003 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Number Seven Idiot of 2003 Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi- Glass. The whole event was
caught on videotape.
Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with an "0" at the end. > > > 1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
> > > 1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
> > > 1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
> > > 1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
> > > 1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
> > > 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
> > > 1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
> > > 1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
> > > 2000: George W. Bush ????????????
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the
one elected in 2000.
You might also be interested in this.
Have a history teacher explain this if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the "kicker":
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy, huh? Show this to as many people as you can, because:
Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading!
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.
At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that
everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank
tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning a very teeed off jeweler phones the man. " You bd
you lied there's no money in that account."
"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!!"
Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.
"He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
The Word "Service"...
Interesting Workout!!!
Idiots of 2003
Lincoln VS. Kennedy
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