[2ndChance09]

BTW have you gone to OA meetings or therapy or are you dealing with this on your own? Are you in recovery now?

I feel like it will take me soo long to get over this. I guess something that I have battled for 10 years won't go away easily and will take a lot of work. I am hoping at some point in my life the thought of binging and purging won't even cross my mind, it is hard to believe that is possible though.

[weenser]

Hi 2ndchance, Oh... boy. Well, I've made some attempts at getting a handle on this thing through counceling, but eating disorder treatment is expensive and consuming. Counseling has helped some, but I realized recently that I should try to step this up, and that's why I went to see the PNP. I have to say that in the three weeks since I started on the SSRI, I have not found myself in that horrible auto-pilot -- where splitting open a bag of chips feels just like coming up for air.

I have not been to OA. I am familiar with the 12 Steps, but not familiar with how it is applied to an actual eating disorder.

Other things I have done that have been helpful include journaling, trying to identify triggers, like stress (even "good stress" can set this off) and coming up with a plan when I know I'm in a danger zone. For instance, journaling here might be a good first step in your plan; if that doesn't work try removing yourself to a peaceful part of your home that doesn't have anything to do with food -- like work on turning your bedroom or your bathroom into a sanctuary, with candles that smell good, low lights, beautiful colors -- things that will engage your other senses. Have a bath or a quiet nap (I know this is not easy when you have kiddos around). Also, I have been doing guided meditations from Belruth Naparsteck. She has one for weight loss that I think is wonderful. It doesn't focus on losing weight as much as it does on learning to love yourself and take care of yourself as you are, on feeling supported, and on filling your heart rather than your tummy.

One thing to keep in mind is that when you start changing your pattern, the pattern will rebel at first by rearing up with enormous force, trying to reesteblish itself, so it might seem that you are not making any headway, when in fact, it's just your disorder trying to protect itself from extinction (if that makes any sense).

Most important is to pay attention to how you speak to yourself. Imagine berating someone in your shoes the way you berate yourself. It's unthinkable. We would never judge someone according the the warped standards we judge ourselves by.

(((2ndchance))) There's a lot to unravel, but you can do this. You are a strong woman, no matter what this monster tries to tell you.

[2ndChance09]

Thanks for the tips and advice. I think I will try journaling today.

I have been crying all morning. I chickened out and didn't go to the meeting. I really want to go to an OA meeting, I don't know why I am so scared to go. There is another meeting on Sat. and then on Monday so I am going to try really hard to get the courage to go to one of those. I know that I need help to overcome this. I have been so depressed for the past few days. I was proud of myself yesterday, I exercised and didn't binge or purge. I had to try really hard though to not do it. Today I am really wanting to do it, hopefully I won't though.

[curvycuban]

Hello All & Happy New year !!
I am new to the forum and came across your thread and have to say it's been very insightful to see that there is so many others that deal with the same emotions about eating and food that I have dealt with for so long all by meself !! For years I found very little understanding of my "problem" of always leaning on food for comfort even when my own body was telling me to stop. For years I have steadily climbed the scales after many affirmations that I would not allow myself to go up another size, yet here I am a size 22 hoping that this is the bottom of this hole that I have dug for myself.

Funny thing is that I never really thought of myself of being food obsessed until now, but it makes total sense ! Many times I would just eat because it was time to eat, even though I wasn't hungry. Or I would eat way too much and way bwyond when my body was telling me to stop even making myself sick just because the food was there, ending up in feeling guilty and chastizing myself for it. I always felt so helpless because all around me I was always given advice from those without a weight problem to "just do it " that I have to try real hard, and I always felt like saying " you have no idea what this is like, the feeling of having absolutely no control over food in your life !!!"

So I want to say THANKYOU for making me realize that 1: I am not alone in this, that they're are others out there that know what is like to be powerless against whats on your plate and 2: that there is help and I will start looking for OA groups here in the city

I would apprecaite any help, guidance and support that I can get since I know that this will be a very difficult uphill battle but I hope 2009 I Will do it !!

[2ndChance09]

I am so sorry that you are going through this too. It is very tough. I am so glad though that this thread has helped other people. I was the same way, before I started reading this section it didn't really cross my mind I had problem since I have been this way for so long. It seems so obvious now. I still don't know how I thought constant binging and purging wasn't a problem but I think I have just been in denial for a long time.

We can all get through this together. I will be so glad when the day comes that I can say I am in recovery and am no longer binging or purging.

This morning I broke my promise to myself. I didn't really binge but I did eat too much and then purged. I feel so bad when I do it now and so guilty doing it when my kids are up. I make sure when I do it now there is no way there will hear or see me but still I feel so guilty.

[patd]

To find oa meetings in your area go to www.oa.org.

Welcome to the group.

patd

[2ndChance09]

Well my parents got into town tonight (they have been gone on vacation) and I picked them up at the airport. When we got back to my house I decided to talk to them before they went home even though it was late. It felt good to talk to them. Now all the most important people in my life know about my ED and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. They were very supportive and said they will pick up the girls tomorrow morning so I can go to the meeting tomorrow and will keep them for the night so I have some time to come home and rest and reflect. No matter what I am going to the meeting tomorrow. Even though I am really nervous I know going the first time will be the scariest and that I really want to go.

[2ndChance09]

I went to the meeting today!!! I am so proud of myself! I was very very nervous but at soon as the meeting started I felt at home. It was amazing to talk to everyone and listen to their stories and know I am not alone in this!! I am very glad I went. I was one of the last people to leave because I stayed and talked to a few people and they were very helpful. I am looking forward to getting a sponsor and start working the steps!

[tommy]

Oh my goodness 2ndChance09!!! You rock. I am so grateful that you had a good experience. Just remember that the others are suffering too and may be reacting out of their issues- so if someone seems "not so nice or well" - just stick with the folks that you feel are good for you. When is your next meeting? Did you scope out anybody as a potential sponsor?

[2ndChance09]

Thank you and I will remember what you said. There was one lady that talked to me a lot but I don't think I am interested in her as a sponsor. She seems to still be going through a lot and that is understandable but I would rather have someone as a sponsor that is in the later stages of recovery. The lady that ran the meeting seems very nice and was the only one there that was a compulsive overeater and Bulimic. She has been going to OA meetings for 22 years and seems really knowledgeable. I think I will go to a few more meetings before I approach anyone to be my sponsor. I am going again on Sat. and am looking forward to it. There are meetings in my city every single day so I have the option to go more but with two small children and my DH in school full time I just don't think I will be able to go more than once a week. I also bought the 12 steps and traditions and the big book so I am going to start reading those. Since the meeting yesterday I have not binged or purged and feel no desire to! I really feel some hope now!

[OnlyWomanInTheHouse]

Glad to hear an update, you can do it girl.

[2ndChance09]

Thanks so much.

[orange0moon]

I have so much respect for the author of this thread, and everyone else. You rock! I wish you all the best in your recovery. Isn't it wonderful that we aren't alone.

I am not in OA. But I feel such a kinship with these people. I enjoy listening to speakers on this website. [I am not allowed to put the link in] OA LAIG dot org.

[2ndChance09]

Thank you. I haven't listened to the speakers on the website but I want to! I have so much hope that going to meetings and working the steps is going to help me.

[babygrant]

You are awesome! That's great that you made the first step in getting to the meeting!

I'm in the same boat as you. Binger and purger (haven't purged in almost a year though). I have a 3 and 5 year old. My 5 year old had caught me many times purging. It's a horrible feeling.