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Old 12-29-2008, 09:54 AM   #16  
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Bravo to you 2ndchance. It takes a lot of courage to tell our "secrets" and you have done a great job. I'm very glad your husband and sister are supportive.

I don't know about all OA meetings but ours does allow familie members to come to a few so they can understand a little what the program is about so I would ask at the meetings you attend and see if that is allowed.

We all have a long road to follow and we do this one step at a time so keep coming back and posting when you can and keep going to meetings. Let others love you till you can love yourself.

love in fellowship,
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:07 PM   #17  
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Thanks so much. All the support on this board means a lot to me. Without this board I wouldn't have faced my problem that is for sure. I was so in denial I didn't even think I had a problem and it was a big eye opener, it still is. I have moments when I think I am being crazy, and that there is nothing wrong with me. Last night though after talking to my husband and esp. my sister they both told me that this is def. a big problem that I need help with.

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Old 12-29-2008, 11:06 PM   #18  
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Well shoot I was feeling nervous and frazzled tonight and I had a bad migraine earlier so I was a bit out of it. I left the house and half way to the meeting I realized that I hadn't brought the address but I knew the street it was on and the name of the church. It was really dark and rainy though and I went up and down the street like 3 times and couldn't find it so I came back home upset. Then I proceeded to binge and purge again. I really hate myself right now. My husband is being great though and he told me to try to relax and be easy on myself and just go to the next meeting. The next meeting is on Wed. @ noon so I am def. going to that. Hopefully I can make it through tomorrow okay. I am going to try really hard.
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Old 12-29-2008, 11:21 PM   #19  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2ndChance09 View Post
I am trying to be gentle with myself but I feel like a loser. I feel so out of control and messed up. I wish I could love myself.
I don't have the exact same issues that you do with food, but I'm the child of a recovered alcoholic / recovering sugar-addict myself / and have often felt like a loser. So I just want to say...you're OK. You are loved, and you deserve that love. Also, it's OK to be a "loser," because we really all are; not a single one of us 6 billion human beings is perfect, and most of us are out of control and messed up a lot of the time.

It's wonderful that you're getting the support you need; just keep plugging along and get yourself to a meeting. Love, peace, and hope to you.
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Old 12-29-2008, 11:22 PM   #20  
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Thanks so much, I really appreciate the support.
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Old 12-29-2008, 11:28 PM   #21  
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2ndChance09- Oh dear that was a rough start for you. Just know that you are not a doofus- these meetings by necessity are tucked away in little rooms in churches and can be hard to find. I have driven around and walked around and almost ended up in the car when I finally saw a little sign on a doorknob- but I could easily have left without finding the room despite my best efforts. Just keep coming back here for support. Trying really hard is o.k.- but you have probably been trying that alot- what you may need is a group support and a way to get to your core issues. I truly hope you have a good experience on Wednesday and it is great that your spouse is supportive. Just also remember that the people in the rooms are also struggling so you can't take anything personally- this is an odd wonderful situation where not so well people help to heal each other. The main deal is that you are NOT alone.
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Old 12-30-2008, 12:10 AM   #22  
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Thank you. That is good to remember. I am very much looking forward to the meeting.
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Old 12-30-2008, 12:13 AM   #23  
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BTW does anyone know of any good books that might be helpful with this?
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:58 AM   #24  
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2ndchance, I'm sorry you missed the meeting but so happy to hear that you are willing to go on Wed.
Books I would suggest: 12x12 of OA, the For Today book, and the BB of AA.

In the Big Book of AA just change the words to overeaters where it needs to be. Also they might have some of these books at your OA meeting.
We give out a newcomers packet and I always suggest they read the information in that first so you might receive one of these at your first meeting.
Thanks for keeping us posted and will look forward to reading more.

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Old 12-30-2008, 12:56 PM   #25  
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Thank you so much for posting, this is what I needed to see. These holidays have been terrible on my eating, and I noticed that I can't stop. When I can't eat, I am constantly thinking about what I'll be having next. I eat when I'm not hungry, and I eat way too much. So I visited this board today to get more information on what compulsive overeating is, and I feel like my next step will be doing what you are doing now. Best wishes to you, and it's wonderful to see the support you do have in making this change.
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:03 PM   #26  
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Just wanted to pop in and say I've been following your thread. Hang in there girl, you can overcome this. Looking forward to hearing about the meeting.
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:53 PM   #27  
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Thank you so much for all the wonderful support, it brings tears to my eyes. I called my sister in a panic last night after I purged again and I talked to my hubby. It is very nice to finally have this out in the open where I can talk about it. I am not alone with this anymore...it has been a heavy burden to carry alone.

Last night when I was going to sleep I prayed and asked God to help me. I felt a lot of peace and for the first time felt like I might have a chance to beat this. My goal for today is to not binge or purge.
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:55 PM   #28  
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BTW kellibee I am glad that reading this helped you in some way. I didn't realize I had a problem until I joined this site and started reading this section. I am so thankful that I did. I don't think I ever would have been able to accept I had a problem otherwise and I wouldn't have known about OA. Good luck to you, I know too well how hard this is. Hugs.
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Old 12-30-2008, 02:58 PM   #29  
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Goodmorning, 2ndchance! I'm so so sorry your meeting didn't go as planned. I know from my own experience, that I can carry a problem for a long time, but once I decide to do something about it, everything has to happen right away, right now, this instant, or I go into a very black place. It's like, OK, I'm ready right now, dammit! Now!

So, I can definitely understand your response to not being able to find the meeting. I would have done the exact same thing. Stress is an enormous powerful trigger, and everything that you have been doing: talking to your family, actively looking for treatment, seeking support, is stressful, even if it is something of a relief to get it out in the open. This is huge.

Also, one think I try to keep in mind is that a binge-purge cycle is not an organic thing that must be completed, that must remain whole. It is composed of many many steps, and each step is a crossroads. Suppose you snap to attention after having gone through a pint of ice cream, and you're about to reach for the pizza... there is no law that says that just because you've started this process, you might as well finish it. You can drop the progression of events at any point in the cycle. Even though it's all overwhelming, and we're on automatic pilot, I know that we have those brief windows where we say, "Oh wow... what the **** am I doing?" and then we say, "Well, it's already started so I might as well get in as much as I can..." and we carry on.

The more we practice nipping it at some random place in the process, when possible, the stronger we will become for next time, and maybe better able to nip it sooner. It's just one exercise...

One thing I found is that when I am on a bulimic tear, It's almost as if I cannot breath or like I'm holding my breath, and engaging this behavior allows me to breathe again.

2ndchance, this is a real monster. But it's real. It's not because you have no will power. It's like telling someone with OCD that they have no willpower. You have great will power -- look how hard you're fighting, look at how brave you were for telling your family, taking steps.. this is real strength, and what you are fighting is more than you can do alone. You're a strong, brave, beautiful person.
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Old 12-30-2008, 04:10 PM   #30  
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Wow thank you so much for that. I really needed to hear that and it made me feel a lot better. That is exactly how I felt when I couldn't find the meeting, I was ready to go and then when I knew I would have to wait another few days I almost felt like oh I'd better get in a few more binges and purges before I go on Wednesday. I felt really down last night. I am feeling better today and a little stronger. I haven't binged and although I have felt strong urges to purge anyway I have resisted. I am trying to focus on my beautiful little girls and let them be my reason to be strong.

It is still hard for me to accept I have a problem. I have been in denial for so many years and I still have a lot of moments when I think there is nothing wrong with me. I always saw binging and purging as a way to seek comfort, relief, escape from my problems etc. When I binge I don't think about gaining weight I just am in a trance and can't stop. Afterward is when I feel the guilt and know I must get rid of it. I also used to see it as a way to eat anything I wanted without consequence. Now realizing I have to learn to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full is scary. I feel like I will never be able to be around a cake and not eat the whole thing, esp. if I am home alone. I have always savored the moment when my husband (or growing up my parents) left the house. The first thing I have ALWAYS done is search the fridge and pantry and settle down in front of the tv with a ton of food. It made purging a lot easier since I didn't have to hide the noise/smell.

I feel so guilty and like such a horrible mother. When I was pregnant my binging and purging was at its worst. I binged literally all day from the time I woke up till the time I went to bed and purged all day long. I blamed it on the morning sickness but most of it was my own doing. I feel so horrible for that. My oldest daughter (who is 4) has also walked in on me while purging and I always blame it on feeling sick. Now when I go into the bathroom the first thing she asks is if I have to throw up. It makes me cry to think about it. I do not want to lead my two girls into this disease, that would just kill me.

I will try the exercise you suggested and thanks again for your post. It feels great to hear from someone who knows what I am going through.

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