I made it through yesterday with no work junk food either. Phew! But I failed this morning at the meeting with the continental breakfast. I had oatmeal at home, took a plate of fruit at the beginning of the meeting, but when we had a break about an hour and a half later I was hungry again and I took a small banana nut muffin. Sigh.
Goodness, I know I shouldn't be annoyed but I am. One of the girls at work today told me to "not lose anymore weight." Um, okay, I'm 11 pounds over my happy weight, my skirt is digging into my abdomen, I am not anywhere close to being underweight at all. I've dropped 4 lbs of water weight but that's not anything visible. She wanted to know if I am "still" exercising. So, 1) why is it her business? b) I actually do need to drop a few, thankyouverymuch, and then of course I am still exercising! If I stop exercising and go back to my old ways, the scale is going to shoot up. I am NOT a perfect eater by any means, but I do need to control and plan 80% of my food or else the scale goes up. Why don't people get that?
"Are you STILL on a diet?" people want to know. So 1) I don't talk about it to nonfamily or non 3FC folks. 2) the answer is I can not ever go back. And c) it's none of your stinking business! I mean I could get the comments if I brought it up, but really, I just mind my own business. Goodness....
Lunch was less than $9 today & the placard describing the soup specifically said "low sodium," so I got a small cup. (And it was. I could taste the difference.) Now I am getting a feel for the lower weight of the plastic salad container in my hands, which strangely will help me keep my portions in line.
Thanks all for encouraging me about bringing paper or books into the gym. I think I'm going to photocopy parts of the Pilates book & make a little sheaf to bring with me. (Easier on the book, too.) Yeah, I have seen people noting their weights in little spiral notebooks, but nobody hauling around a sizable paperback with photos & stuff in it.
After thinking over this worry, I understand better what it's about. When I first began losing weight, I was determined I'd do it entirely on my own, without witnesses, and for me that meant out of doors, walking & running. But the seasons changed & the weather got bad & I developed foot problems & needed to use machines for cardio. So I had to join a gym in mid-2007. I was very self-conscious. (Which is why I try to post when people talk about this fear on the site, because I had it, too.) I hid in the corner on a bike, wouldn't even consider taking a class, said "hello" to nearly no one. Now I take classes all the time, I've got a lot of "gym acquaintances" that I chat with & it's completely different. But some part of me still must feel my acceptance is conditional, that I still can't risk doing anything weird in front of the "cool kids" like bringing in a book. Which is ridiculous. I think it's called Imposter Syndrome -- being afraid that you'll be unmasked & ridiculed. I already know I have this fear but it's amazing how many ways it can manifest itself.
Other than that muffin this morning I'm doing pretty well today. I'm hungry, but that's okay since it's almost time to go home. I have studiously avoided walking by the break room since I know they have various leftovers in there.
Midwife, it's tough when you get those questions. I luckily don't get them often because I moved halfway across the country after losing weight, so almost nobody here knows me from when I was fat (except DH's family, and they don't ask about it). I used to get "Do you still exercise?" from my parents, but I just tell them, "Of course I do, otherwise I'd get fat again." I think that if you don't feel embarrassed about saying it, it is a pretty good response to people. "Are you still on a diet?" "If I ate like I used to I'd get fat again." It's the truth, and it shuts people up pretty quickly.
Saef, I went to a women in computing conference last year and they had a whole panel about the Impostor Syndrome. Where everything is going great, but you secretly fear that everyone knows that you really are a failure and have no clue what you're doing (even though this is not true). I had that same feeling a while back when I went to a running store to by triathlon shorts. I went to check out, and the guy said, "Oh, are you a triathlete?" I couldn't just say "yes," because even though I've done two triathlons, I don't feel like a REAL triathlete.
Saef, I have no business spending what I spend on one of those pick your multiple items salads. No business whatsoever. But I used to spend as much on garbage food and sweets. Rationalizing...
saef and Jessica, I *completely* understand the feeling of not wanting to appear out of place, even though you belong there just as much as anyone else. I still struggle with that, too, after belonging to a gym for nearly 3 years. Where I live, basically everyone is ridiculously in shape, so I guess I totally understand the "outsider" feeling even though I don't look any different from them. Heck I still feel that way at races, too. Like, I'm not the "real runner" like everyone else, just the chubby chick who wants to be a runner! I don't know if I will ever get over that.
Down to 131 this morning - lowest I have seen yet. Though a part of me is starting to wonder if my body is HAPPY in the low 130s and I need to quit trying to push it to go further and focus on reducing body fat % instead. I'm not unhappy with my weight per say, just feel that another 5-7 lbs off would look better.
FP, hey, you are doing half marathons! I think that makes you a "real" runner. I always felt like an impostor runner for the same reason I'm an impostor triathlete -- I only ever did the shortest possible distance race. I don't know why, but for some reason I feel like to be a "real" runner I would have to do a half marathon or more, and to be a "real" triathlete I'd have to do an Olympic distance triathlon.
When the guy asked me that, I told him, "Barely!" Maybe it's because even though I completed triathlons, I don't own a road bike or a tri bike, I don't pay attention to nutrition for racing, I don't read triathlon magazines or message boards, and I didn't even have appropriate clothing for the ones I did last year (I just had a swimsuit and a pair of shorts I put on top). This year I actually have official triathlon shorts and a triathlon tankini, so at least I feel like I'll *look* like a triathlete!
FP, do you do any strength training in addition to your running? I'm a similar height to you, and I originally had 130 as my goal weight, but since I started strength training I am now approximately the same physical size at 138 as I used to be at 130.
I know the imposter syndrome well and I am the queen of minimizing my accomplishments and engaging in regular self-deprecation. It's actually one of the things that prompted the Brag Board thread.
But I'm here to inform us: We ARE athletes. Not fakers. Shout it from the rooftops, ladies!
Jessica, next time someone asks "Are you a triathlete?" the correct answer is "$*#, yeah!"
And feel free to give me back the same advice on an as needed basis!
I really can relate. I also felt like the "imposter" runner because (before the half marathon) I only ran 5ks and the occasional 10k. What's funny is that I told DH that I still didn't think of myself as a "real" runner until I did a full marathon - which I have zero desire to do. I think SOME of those feelings come from the old school running community hanging around that seems to think that unless you're logging a ridiculous amount of miles each week or running a sub-30 5k, you don't really count. You're a "jogger", not a runner. WHATEVER, I say to them!
Isn't it funny? How can we actually do these things on a regular basis, TRAIN for them, and still don't consider ourselves athletes? It's just that the word "athlete" has such a different connotation for me that when I look at myself in the mirror and think of myself as one, I tend to giggle. I totally went for the running tights and tight running t-shirt this year so I also LOOK like a runner.. lol!
I actually plan to start incorporating more strength training now that I have the time (and energy) to do it this summer. Hoping that it pays off in inches!!
Midwife, you are SO right! The athletic brag board thread is such a good idea.
So I got a last-minute invitation to another meeting with a senior VP today (my company is doing an initiative to improve communication between employees and senior management), and yet again, they had McFlurries. This time I just passed the tray right on by, but I did cave in to a small chocolate chip cookie that was straight out of the oven.
I thought about our observations of Naturally Thin People in their natural habitat during the meeting. One of the women I work with was also at the meeting. She is very tall and slender (like, could be a contestant on America's Next Top Model type of build), and I see her working out in the gym all the time. She came in with her own cup of water and passed the McFlurries and cookies right on by. So for reference, this particular Naturally Thin Person works out religiously and avoids junk food. I was so glad she passed on the McFlurries because I didn't feel singled out about it since someone else passed them up too.
I think the reason I don't consider myself an athlete is because even when I complete something athletic, like a triathlon, I come in last in my age group and near last overall. I complained to DH recently because no matter what sport I pick up (running, swimming, biking, weight lifting, etc.), my skills always put me at the back of the back of the pack. I'm not even back of the pack. Meanwhile, other people pick up sports on a whim and are instantly in the middle of the pack. DH said, well, it's because they have been doing active things their whole life, but you have only been doing it for a few years. Do you guys think that's true? I can't figure out if I'm so slow/weak just because I'm not training hard enough, because I have some inherent biological lack of ability, or because I spent 21 years sitting on my butt barely moving.
Last edited by paperclippy; 05-27-2010 at 03:43 PM.
I think the reason I don't consider myself an athlete is because even when I complete something athletic, like a triathlon, I come in last in my age group and near last overall. I complained to DH recently because no matter what sport I pick up (running, swimming, biking, weight lifting, etc.), my skills always put me at the back of the back of the pack. I'm not even back of the pack. Meanwhile, other people pick up sports on a whim and are instantly in the middle of the pack. DH said, well, it's because they have been doing active things their whole life, but you have only been doing it for a few years. Do you guys think that's true? I can't figure out if I'm so slow/weak just because I'm not training hard enough, because I have some inherent biological lack of ability, or because I spent 21 years sitting on my butt barely moving.
First of all, good for you for passing up the ice cream! that sounds deliciously tempting right now. Great job!
To expand on your thoughts, I could see this being true for me, too. I am usually at the bottom third of my age group in races, especially if they are very small races. That's why I started signing up for larger ones.. better chances.
Seriously though, I have spent some time pondering this over the past 6 months. I think some of it is genetics/biology. I am short, have a short torso and a small stride. Curves. Bigger chest. Not ideal for running when you consider that most people who we see as "real runners" are taller, skinny, barely an ounce of fat on their bodies and seem to move effortlessly. For me, running a 10 minute mile is an outright run for me... one I can't sustain for more than a mile. I can't change my height.. it is what it is.
I think for others, it is also natural ability. While I think what your DH said is true for some people (my DH totally fits this bill - he has always been an active person and when he began running with me, he went out and ran 9 minute miles from the get-go), I have seen people from the running community where they just decide to become runners one day and do it...and then just go out and run 8 minute miles like it's nothing. Of course they are also usually tall, and skinny, and barely have an ounce of fat on their body in the first place.
I don't know. I have trained hard but I just seem to be slower than the rest. A 2:45:09 half marathon for me was fantastic, but people run full marathons in that time.
FP, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one thinking about this. I hesitate to blame biology, because back when I was in high school, I thought that the reason I could never keep up in gym class, I could never run a mile, etc., was because my body just wasn't built for it and it wasn't possible. I've since proved that to be wrong. (I have a lot to say about the way they run PE classes, but that's a separate issue. )
My DH also has been relatively active most of his life. He had a chubby phase when he was about middle school age, but he played basketball all through high school and got into weight lifting, and when we met in college he would go to the gym three times a week and lift and run or use the stationary bike. He fell off the wagon when we got our dog and stopped going to the gym after work, but when he decided to pick up running, he was knocking out 8 minute miles with no problem right out of the gate. When I complained that he was so much faster than me even though I'd been training for years, he said it was probably just because he was male and had bigger leg muscles and was taller, which makes sense, but doesn't explain why I'm always behind in my age group compared to other women.
I was thinking about this recently because I was checking out triathlon books in the library, and I came across one called "Triathloning for Ordinary Mortals." I thought, great, this is the book for me! Until I turned to the training plan and saw that it was based off of running 9 minute miles, biking 16mph, and swimming 40 minute miles. DH said, well, it's just aimed at men, that's why it's faster, but I'm not sure I believe that. I guess ordinary people can run 9 minute miles, bike 16mph, and swim 40 minute miles. I could maybe run ONE 9-minute mile (maybe, my PR is 9:35) but certainly not three, and certainly not at the end of a triathlon. My average bike speed is 11-12mph now that I've been working really hard on it to improve it. I swam a mile once, and it took me 55 minutes.
It's frustrating because I'm *not* out of shape. I don't think I could be considered out of shape by anybody's definition. But I still can't do a push-up, run fast, bike fast, swim fast, etc. I've sped up in the past few years, but I'm nowhere near fast.
