P.s I have two boys, ages 5 and 7, and at no point during my infertility treatments, pregnancy or afterwards, did I fail to dress myself in a way I felt was appropriate.
Mothering is great and all, but it isn't all-consuming every second. Off and on during the day (and sometimes night)? Yes. But I find it awfully hard to believe that anyone, parent or not, is so busy that they just DON'T HAVE TIME to be judgemental.
I personally try to schedule in my judgement time.
Not all consuming every second, but at the store, it is. Grocery shopping with my kids is pretty much my most dreaded thing, which is why I now go after my weekend run, while the hubby or my mom is home with them. The grocery store is a major trigger for my son. Since I've never been a fan of shopping in the first place, I get my shopping done as quickly as possible. I save my judgment for my classmates. Who thinks it's acceptable to sit in the front row and read the newspaper during lecture?!?!? I mean, if we're talking about judging people for perceiving them as not being respectful of others.
Not all consuming every second, but at the store, it is. Grocery shopping with my kids is pretty much my most dreaded thing, which is why I now go after my weekend run, while the hubby or my mom is home with them. The grocery store is a major trigger for my son. Since I've never been a fan of shopping in the first place, I get my shopping done as quickly as possible. I save my judgment for my classmates. Who thinks it's acceptable to sit in the front row and read the newspaper during lecture?!?!? I mean, if we're talking about judging people for perceiving them as not being respectful of others.
I do agree! My friends and I joke that when Mommy goes to the grocery store alone, it's called "vacation"!!!
I don't think its that childless people have more free time. I have plenty of childless friends that are just as busy or busier than me. However, I do assume that shopping is easier for my childless friends. They aren't breaking up fights, picking up dropped stuff, taking potty breaks, explaining that I already said no to candy 3 times so stop asking, negotiating the taking turns for pushing the cart, etc. Add in a special needs kid, and the other shoppers at Kroger could be naked & I'm not sure I'd notice.
Thank you! I should have stated this clearer. People area taking my 'kids in the grocery store" experience and getting defensive that I think people without kids aren't busy. Sheesh, and for the record (I've mentioned this on this site in the past) my older son is on the spectrum. I try to go to the store with only my little one and leave my older son home with my husband but hubby work 13 hour shift and is gone a lot so its not always possible. Sometimes the store is enough to over stimulate him and send him into a meltdown...
When I'm at the store with my kids, yes its because of my kids that I'm not noticing other people. It IS different if on the rare occasion I get to the store alone.
However I am not saying that childless people just float through life judging everyone around them because they are over whelmed with free time.
I'm sorry, but I am immediately offended by the assumption that motherhood takes up all your time in a way nothing else does. I have chosen not to have children, and my life is quite busy. I work about 60 hours a week and have hobbies as well that occupy my time. Perhaps those of us without children are quick to be defensive because we are SICK of being treated like we have nothing but free time to laze about because we don't have children.
It seems very obvious from this thread that ALL women struggle with this internal dialogue--even those who say they don't seem to be judging those who do.
Kind of like those of us with kids, especially now that I'm a stay at home mom deal with women who work so many hours acting like we do nothing all day. Now, I'm not saying you are suggesting this, because I don't think you are. Nor do I give a crap that this is a common misconception because I don't care what people think. But that's a very common judgment that I come across, that being home with my kids makes me too lazy to work. Or my favorite is people that assume because I'm home with my kids means I'm not college educated. So really the judgements exist both ways. It sounds to me like you are more insecure about it than most of the childless people I know. I have several friends that don't have kids, and they are busy, I am busy, we are busy for different reasons. And they don't get all worked up if I tell them I've been busy because the kids have been sick. They don't feel the need to lauch into how many hours they work and whatnot. Likewise, when they tell me they've been busy because they had to put in extra time at work, I don't feel the need to describ how busy I've been shuffling the kids to soccer. Its just not a p!ssing match for us. The single people that are defensive of what they do with their time, I generally don't stay close with, because it gets annoying.
Grocery store meltdowns are the worst. In other situations, you can more easily just leave. Since we need food to live, grocery shopping is a must. And for some reason, the grocery store is one of the most triggery places for my son. The older he got, the worse the outright judgment from other people got. People are downright rude about it. I've cried in my car before driving home from the grocery store so many times. Thankfully he can handle short trips these days. I'm also not above plopping all almost 5 ft of him in the basket of one cart, giving him the iPad and some headphones, and letting my daughter push a second cart for the food.
P.s I have two boys, ages 5 and 7, and at no point during my infertility treatments, pregnancy or afterwards, did I fail to dress myself in a way I felt was appropriate.
Mothering is great and all, but it isn't all-consuming every second. Off and on during the day (and sometimes night)? Yes. But I find it awfully hard to believe that anyone, parent or not, is so busy that they just DON'T HAVE TIME to be judgemental.
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In case people are now just posting without reading all the replies, I want re-state that I said being too busy to concern yourself with whose in sweatpants, but that plenty of busy women still find time to get all dressed up for the day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickieChicks
I personally try to schedule in my judgement time.
I don't get the hate on yoga pants. I'm wearing mine right now and I've received nothing but compliments on these pants plus they are comfortable as heck. Now these aren't the super tight yoga pants- they're a looser straight legged version, and I have loved them from the first day I had them. They're my favorite walking pants and up until reading this thread it never occurred to me that someone was looking at me and thinking I needed to go put some "real pants" on.
I need to stop reading these threads. They make me insecure.
I had postnatal depression (not getting into the kid's argument, this is just a fact). There were many days, weeks, months, while dealing with my sick baby, that I felt I had no energy to doll up (and by that, I mean anything without sick on it because he would vomit up to 72 ounces of milk a day).
Did people chuckle at me? Thanks a lot. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm also saying that maybe I'm a little sad that people were laughing at me when I was so depressed I thought of abandoning my family. That was 3 years ago, but it still hurts.
When I go out shopping now, I look great, and on a budget too with yet another baby in tow. I'm still the same person, I'm just not depressed anymore. If my clothes are my REFLECTION of me then maybe some of you should have more compassion for that sloppy mother who is rushing to grab some food and then cry in the car on the way home because she feels she can't escape her life??? You have NO clue what her deal is, if she was just busy, or if she doesn't care, or if she hates her life.
How would some of you feel if people assumed that you were overweight simply because you have no self respect, no pride in your appearance? Because you all know darn well that LOTS of people absolutely believe that about overweight people. Would you genuinely not wish that perhaps they had more sympathy or understanding???
To me, this is really a pot calling the kettle black.
First I just want to say
I had PPD after my first son. I never asked for help and in retrospect, I wish I had. My situation a was not ideal so it really made it worse. Yes PPD is so consuming that nothing around you really matters. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Secondly I agree with the rest of your post. Especially on a board about weightloss, that we should not assume those that don't dress up are lazy or have no self respect. Because that's what many people think about over weight people. Which I know was part of the OP, the factor of weight.
It sounds to me like you are more insecure about it than most of the childless people I know. I have several friends that don't have kids, and they are busy, I am busy, we are busy for different reasons. And they don't get all worked up if I tell them I've been busy because the kids have been sick. They don't feel the need to lauch into how many hours they work and whatnot. Likewise, when they tell me they've been busy because they had to put in extra time at work, I don't feel the need to describ how busy I've been shuffling the kids to soccer. Its just not a p!ssing match for us. The single people that are defensive of what they do with their time, I generally don't stay close with, because it gets annoying.
I did not quote your post, nor did I refer to you specifically. I stated a general observation. Why would you respond by calling me insecure? Also, I'm not single. We have chosen not to have children. Please don't make any more assumptions about me (especially after saying you don't have time to be judgmental).
I am young and childless. I have plenty of things to take up my time. But I am not so absorbed in my own world that I am oblivious to what is going on around me... I think that could be said for most people, maybe even some who have kids. Does being busy or having children mean that you are no longer aware of your surroundings? Maybe I am just not busy enough...
You know, you're probably right. If you are "annoyed" by people wearing sweatpants, PJ pants, yoga pants, and leggings (any more rules?) it probably wouldn't matter how busy you are...you would probably still actually concern yourself and be annoyed at other people's clothing choices.
Maybe I mistake my busy-ness or my age for the fact that as *I've* gotten older that I've become less concerned with what people are wearing, but seems some people concern themselves with others regardless of age. I used to harshly judge people that dressed up as having no confidence(please refer to one of my earlier replies for details) but as I've gotten older, I've learned to at least not put this on others. It still is a part of the reason *I* don't dress up (because I get uncomfortable feeling like that's the statement I'm making), but I make a point to not assume everyone else that dresses up does so because they lack self confidence. Some people do it out of habit, some do it because they enjoy it, some do it as an expression of how they DO feel good about themselves.
I DO still judge about other things in life, we all judge something but I'm just not super judgy on appearance. (My big one is education, or lack there of, and to be honest, and I'm working on that) I wrote another reply to another post about my journey with moving away from judgement. (Feel free to fo find it). But its just not in me to care that much about what people are wearing, and I've chalked that up to age and being too busy to care. Maybe its not. Maybe I just really don't get annoyed at what people wear, because I tend to judge people on what they've accomplished or how hard they work in life to better themselves. (Not that this is any better, just different.)
Basically, I'll probably never be too busy to think a not nice thought about someone based on their education (not going into specifics, so I don't upset anyone) but appearance just fell off the list quickly because its not important to me.
Its apparently important to you how people dress. Sounds like you could be the busiest women alive and it would still matter to you. What does that say?
What do we as a society think (judge?) about people who are very concerned with appearance? Does it matter if they are concerned with their own vs concern about other peoples? Does that change how we describe them?
Grocery store meltdowns are the worst. In other situations, you can more easily just leave. Since we need food to live, grocery shopping is a must. And for some reason, the grocery store is one of the most triggery places for my son. The older he got, the worse the outright judgment from other people got. People are downright rude about it. I've cried in my car before driving home from the grocery store so many times. Thankfully he can handle short trips these days. I'm also not above plopping all almost 5 ft of him in the basket of one cart, giving him the iPad and some headphones, and letting my daughter push a second cart for the food.
Yessss! My god, I'd rather be judged as a slob 1000x over than deal with those people that judge my parenting! Those that think autism is just about discipline...oh man. No one has time to judge my appearance because they are too busy judging my parenting! lol Yes, the grocery store is the worst, like you said, other stores you can leave. But if I leave the grocery store, um, we have no food...
Its gotten harder as he gets older because he "looks" like he should not act that way. Sometimes his ticks get really bad too, if he's stressed so its just hard enough to help him and handle the situation without people thinking they have it all figured out.
I did not quote your post, nor did I refer to you specifically. I stated a general observation. Why would you respond by calling me insecure? Also, I'm not single. We have chosen not to have children. Please don't make any more assumptions about me (especially after saying you don't have time to be judgmental).
I sometimes use single to mean without kids. I'm not the only one in my circle of friends, I kind of forgot that it would have meant single single to you!
No you didn't quote my post, but you posted a quote responding to mine, on the topic that I brought up (the kids thing)...I didn't realize that did seem like an obvious reason to respond. You said you find it condescending XYZ the kids thing...this is where it was going, people that are insecure are assuming I'm saying people without kids have nothing to do.
Jesus H Christ, I picked kids as as example. I coud have said "I wonder if people that have all that free time are umemployed" ...I also used the example of the grocery store. I don't care how many hours someone works, bringing kids to the grocery store is a different situation than going without kids. And most of our judging we are talking about is while we are out at the store, my POINT WAS if you HAVE KIDS you are very preoccupied at the store keeping them from running a muck, fighting eachother, getting lost, knocking over displays etc... And if one is a baby?? Keeping them from crying while you whip through the store trying to get the heck out. I don't care how many hours a week someone works, when you have kids with you at the store, especially young ones, IT DISTRACTS YOU from noticing others.
To those that kept saying having kids doesn't mean you can't be aware of what's going on around you, I don't consider thinking "what's with the lazy chick wearing PJ bottoms" as being aware of what going on around me. I consider it something I can't be bothered doing when I ahve my kds with me. When I'm alone? Yes, I notice more of those details that don't matter. Also, children's ages matter. Much easier to have a 10 year old with you than a toddler. And special needs as was already mentioned, means less focusing on who's wearing what in the check out line. This has nothing to do with who's more busy in their day to day life.
(The end of my reply is for everyone, not just you)
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 04-18-2013 at 09:51 PM.
Some people can be incredibly busy at the store with children and still notice things. (I also have an ASD child who was on oxygen for some time that I'd have to drag into the store with me.)
Despite that, I know I still made judgements about people's appearance. What does that say about me? What does that say about the state of our society when appearance and being overweight stand out that much to us?
I'd hope it doesn't me a bad parent or a bad person. It just makes me human. As I said earlier, I try to catch myself when it happens and remind myself I can't know everything about a person in one fleeting moment in time. As to how to stop those judgements from popping into my head, I don't know.
I'm not the only one in my circle of friends, I kind of forgot that it would have meant single single to you! 
