I struggle with this ALL THE TIME...and it's not specific to plus-sized women. It's everybody, men, women, children. I am an extremely precise and particular person and I dress well (or what I think is put together) out of respect for other people who see me. It is my way of being respectful and polite. Other people don't have to look at a slob when I'm out and about and I don't embarass my friends or family. Presenting myself appropriately is a very very high priority to me, sometimes more-so than enjoying myself (I won't enjoy myself or feel comfortable if I'm not dressed appropriately). To clarify, I do wear jeans and tshirts and sweatshirts a lot but I make sure they fit correctly, have no holes or stains, and do not show unneccessary skin.

I know that I sound uppity and crazy but it's kind of how I was raised by a very particular but loving mother. When I see others dressed in pajama pants, my first thought is: don't you even care that we have to see that? I am NOT judging their size or their natural appearance but to me it shows no effort or respect for the general public. My second thought is usually: maybe they're having a rough day today?

I try to empathetic about it but I end up judging their personality first (they are lazy). It's a pretty terrible character flaw of mine. Working on it. I can only control how I present myself and not others.

ETA:
I feel the need to add to this as a few people have jumped on my post here and using it as what the original post was about. I am terribly sorry for derailing this thread! I feel like I need to clarify a few things, though.

I didn't intend to be insulting in this post, just honest. I apologize if I offended anyone. When I say I show respect by being "put together" when I go out, I liken it to the same reason people dress up for church (I grew up in a Christian home). I was always taught and I firmly believe that when you go to church you dress up and give God your best out of respect. I know He doesn't give a hoot what I'm wearing or how I look but I do it as a gesture of love and respect (as you would dress up for a wedding, out of love and respect for the bride and groom!) I do the same for the general public. It is out of my respect for society that I am dressed appropriately. Because that is my own view on it, my immediate reaction to PJ's in public is, "why don't you show me the same respect that I show you?"

That's not to say I am without compassion. Maybe they're having an awful day. Maybe they're too poor to afford anything else. I don't know and how could I know? So I think about that afterwards. It's the immediate reaction that I find a character flaw in myself.

I think of grocery shopping like any other public outing. Just like going to a restaurant, shopping for clothes, or going for a run. I make sure I'm dressed in something appropriate that is free of tears, stains, runs, side boobage, butt cheekage, and bagginess. That's not to say I am not wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I am that fat girl you just described.. Sorta. When I am at the grocery store, I am not there to impress anyone. I could give a crap what someone thinks of my appearance. My hair is in a pony tail and I don't do makeup. Not because I don't care what I look like but because I have two kids, two jobs, and school to worry about.

I don't know if you read the responses, or mine specifically, but give it a look. You'll see how the other camp thinks of you. ;)

As far as silently judging, I think it happens to us all to different extents depending on how much we allow ourselves to entertain it. The thing about that is that in the end it only effects us. But once we allow it to exit our thoughts with a sideways glance of disapproval, or actual words, that's when it becomes something else.

I'm SURE people judged me when I was overweight, but no one ever verbalized it, or gave me dirty looks; I never felt judged, or else I was just completely oblivious. Now, it's a whole different story. People apparently think it's perfectly acceptable to constantly make judgmental comments about what I eat, or don't eat, what I wear, the way I have my hair, the way I wear my make up, if I'm all dolled up or all grunged down someone makes a comment, and I get dirty looks from women all the time now. Somehow I get the feeling that a large majority of people are under the impression that it is some how less rude to be judgey of a smaller person.

I do think judging is human nature, though.

Sometimes I'll put effort into my appearance, when I feel like it & have the time. My daily look is either running clothes or jeans and a race tee, no make-up, messy bun or pony tail. Makeup and hair just aren't high on the list of spending my time on. I get up every day at 6, stretch and do a little yoga, get the kids up & dressed and fed & drive them to school. Then the hour commute. I'm taking 18 hours this semester, plus working 20ish hours in one of the labs. Then the hour commute during rush hour, pick the kids up, get them fed, help with homework and get them to bed. It's 8:30 by then, and I still need to run, shower, clean up the dishes, and start on homework. Midnight is an early bedtime for me. So I'm not terribly worried about looking pretty.

On the flip side, I put a lot of thought into my race outfits. LOL I'm starting to think about my outfit for my first marathon.

Oh my! I would never have thought that my not looking put together (and I never do!) would make anyone feel disrespected, unless I was going to a wedding or something, maybe. Wow!

I find this thread particularly upsetting, even though I know we are all openly talking about what we know we shouldn't do, me included!! (I'm just as guilty of judging on appearance)
My excuse for over reacting is I'm pregnant and horomonal! ;) This is my last so I'm milking it for all its worth!

Its hard to think someone would actually look at me and think I'm "lazy" when my life is the the complete opposite. Well, when I'm not pregnant lol

Before getting pregnant with baby #3 I was running 3-5 miles a day, I keep a very, very clean house, you could eat off the floors. I am ridiculous organzied and particular about pretty much everything. I am raising 2 boys with a DH that is gone at work most of the time, and I have no other family to help. Up until recently I was still working and taking classes online to keep going on my education. Now I am not working but still taking on line classes. I plan on stopping, maybe, after my MSN. I have always been very motivated and determined and success because of it. I came from a welfare family (which is where I learn appearance doesn't do you jack , college and money do)I moved out at 19 and supported myself while in school. I'm a very picky about being CLEAN, but I see dressing up as a way of saying "I don't value myself unless others approve".

I have a very assertive, Alpha female personality. I have plenty (maybe too much?) confidence in who I am and how I will work for and get what I want, that I don't feel the need to please people by my appearance. Now I don't look like I rolled out of bed when I go to work, because as part of my job I am concerned with what my patients think. But going to the food store? My thought is I know I'm awesome, and I don't need Jane Doe to approve or be appeased by my looks. I just don't see how that makes any difference in my life.

I *used to* think that girls that spent a lot of time on their appearance, do so because they have nothing else to offer the world. I have gotten away from that line of thinking, as I've met many women that are highly educated and still worried about their appearance. But I still find myself drifting towards the idea that a fresh coat of wax is the sign there's nothing under the hood, if you catch what I mean, so *I* don't want to give off that message. Just as someone said they feel polite for dressing up, I feel it decreases what I have to offer in life. When I read this back I realized I didn't make it clear that I still drift towards that idea FOR MYSELF.
Moral of this story, edit posts before putting kids to bed!

Lock It Up - totally agree with people freely making comments on weight loss.
I have been told by coworker a man don't want no bone. Been called Skinny Bones! Anorexic....had people while on break come to watch what I was eating...and announce it in front of other people. Had coworkers squeeze my upper arm. Tell me I should be wearing Extra Small Scrubs! No one EVER told me I was fat or needed to lose weight at work ....but my weight loss is a topic of conversation. Been badgered by several coworkers as How much weight I have lost!

This kind of thing is not done at where I work to someone overweight.
I was never asked how much I weighed when I was obese or any of the other stuff!

So it is PC to talk about how skinny or how much you eat don't eat if you have a weight that is considered normal or below....but if you are overweight we all better turn our heads and pretend we don't notice.

What is wrong with this picture?;)

My teenage daughter had a girl that she does not know except for seeing her in the hall call her Anorexic....DD turned to her and said By weight standards you are obese ! The girl was shocked my daughter called her out on it in front of a boy and stormed off!!! My daughter was being Bullied but that 's Okay because she is a thin pretty girl!:D
Maybe we need not to be so thin skinned and if someone says or does something
Either ignore it or handle it an appropriate manner ....like my teenage daughter did ...that girl has not come up to her since...she nipped in the bud....I would have ignored it but I'm older ...
Thanks for having the courage to put it out there what also happens
roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

Both ways of thinking are wrong unless you happen to know the person right?

We all judge, it's just life. And chances are most of the ways we judge are wrong to some extent.

I take a lot of pride in my appearance, I didn't used to, but I've lost 100 pounds, it's a big change. I dress nicely (not talking brands, I get a lot at thrift stores), wear make up, usually do my hair. I'm a mother of 2 small children (4 and 1), I'm a high school teacher, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, I have a couple degrees to top it off. I feel like that's quite a bit that I offer. Sometimes I go to Walmart on my way to work, I'm sure I look overdressed and out of place, but I'm not dressed up for the people at Walmart, I'm dressed professionally for my job and happen to be in need of something at the store. I'm sure people judge me. Sometimes I go to the grocery store just rolled out of bed, hair in a messy pony tail, no make up, yoga pants and a t shirt -- I'm sure people judge me, that's the only picture of me they have, maybe they think I'm a lazy homeless person, I don't know (and don't care). But, I fully admit I have judged, and still struggle with judging all kinds of people. It happens. I don't take offense to the thought of someone being judgmental of me unless they express those judgements to my face. Other people's thoughts are none of my business unless they express them to my face; which I'd rather them not ;)

This is me too. PLUS I actually like the way my face looks without any paint/powder on it. Why shouldn't I show it off?

OP - We're all guilty of judging from time to time. I think it's good you took a step back to think about why you were doing it in this particular case.

Actually I had a "judgy" type moment today: I was sitting in my car outside CVS waiting for my mom. A woman, mid-30's-ish/early-40's-ish walked out. She was noticeably obese, dressed in raggy dark clothing, dirty looking hair, and her very large pale belly was hanging out over her pants with her shirt hiked up so that it was exposed. My first thought was: How can she be comfortable with her tummy hanging out like that? My second: Uhg, I'm glad that's not me. My third: I'm kind of a jerk aren't I?

:shrug: I dunno. I think those thoughts are somewhat "natural" or "unavoidable". It's how we act and the way we treat people that matters.

I came on here to edit that because I realized how it sounded, and of course someone already responded, figures! My point was the same way someone feels they are being respectful by being well dressed, I feel that I'm showing that I have nothing else to offer. *I* don't want to make that statement to others. ...seriously, I was putting my kids to bed, and I'm like "oh I'll edit it when I'm done, no ones going to read it in the next 15 minutes... :dizzy:

LOL, isn't that always the way it goes! I think we all just do the best with the perceptions we have. We all come from different places, no avoiding certain judgements.

Yes!! And when I'm wanting people to respond asap, its like all crickets around here! lol
I do agree that we all have our judgements, I think the key is recognizing them so they don't influence how we interact with others IRL.

Yes, please. As oppressive as some parts of the "old days" may have been, there is something about looking nice when you leave the house.

I'm really surprised and intrigued by all the varying opinions. I'll definitely carry them with me when I'm presented with a similar circumstance.

I try to dress presentably when in public. I feel like it's a common courtesy to those around me. Plus I don't want to end up on a site like People of Walmart.

Bottom line, you shouldn't judge others. But man, it's really hard not to!

I'm glad I began this post because some of the answers have been eye opening.

re:
 

There's a very similar discussion going on down in the maintenance area, so forgive me while I copy and paste some of my comments from there, as I'm a lazy typer....

I think those things, but then I force myself to think, "What don't I know?"

For example, what don't I know about the woman in the grocery store? Maybe she is on her way home from spending all night in the hospital watching someone very ill, and the last thing on her mind is how she looks.

Or, maybe I'm looking at someone in a restaurant, overweight, and maybe they're having a pizza. What don't I know? Maybe that person has already lost 100 lbs and it's their birthday.

Or....maybe I see an large man riding one of those carts in the store? What don't I know? Maybe he lost his leg in the service and can't walk?

My point is, we see a snapshot of someone at a given time. We can't possibly know or judge everything about them from that one fleeting moment.