You all are right. i mean, I don't know why I ignore the mean things he says or does, or how he randomly replies to texts. I also don't know why I find him charming, when, I get the feeling that he really, really, really doesn't like me. I mean, he won't tell me why he doesn't like me, just that he doesn't like me.
Then he sometimes contacts me. Not for booty calls, but, I am wondering if that is why he sometimes replies to me.
I am still dating other people. and I realize I shouldn't see this guy as my only option, but, there is just this weird thing where I would at least like to be his friend.....i know, that doesnt make any kind of sense, as I can't really say he would ever really be there for me as a friend.
this thing is crazy, i must admit. part of me hopes he does care, but, i know it is highly highly doubtful.
As much as he comes around here and there and does ahole things, you don't have him and the fact you don't have him makes you actually want him. We've all been through it i'm sure, I know I have!
You deserve so much more then to be treated this way by this guy. You don't need him or this drama in your life. Run far awhile from him.
Step back and look at this guy from another perspective, pretend you are a mother and your daughter is in a relationship with this guy....what would you do or think? Pretend you are at your goal weight-would you put up with his strange behavior?
I've learned, toxic "friendships" are just as damaging as toxic relationships. This is a very toxic friendship, if you can even call it that. It seems very one-sided. You really need to, for your own sanity just delete his number/email from your contacts, and get on with your life. Be polite if you see him in passing (out in public), but you owe this man nothing. He's treated you like dirt.
As much as he comes around here and there and does ahole things, you don't have him and the fact you don't have him makes you actually want him. We've all been through it i'm sure, I know I have!
I agree. Sounds like the thrill of the chase is what you like, the drama of it all. The challenge of trying to pursuade someone can be very captivating. Been there. If he's a jerk and you know it, then why do you really want HIM? Because, I'm sure you know you deserve better than that.
Last edited by Gogirl008; 04-01-2011 at 08:56 PM.
Reason: sp
I realize I shouldn't see this guy as my only option.
By saying this, you admit that you see him as an option. One step onto the slippery slope towards doing what you know is wrong for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by milliondollarbbw
part of me hopes he does care, but, i know it is highly highly doubtful.
It shouldn't matter whether he cares or not. You need to remember that his actions speak louder than his words and louder than his emotions. He might care, he might even care a lot, but it's not a kind of caring that will be good for either of you. Whether he cares or not, it would be an extremely toxic relationship. How he expresses care has to be more important to you than whether he feels it. Women stay with abusers because "deep down I know he loves me."
As a probation officer I saw abusers every day, and I don't doubt that they truly had very deep feelings for their abuse victims - but the caring didn't stop them from pummeling and even killing the objects of their care (I'm not saying this guy is dangerously abusive, but there sure are a lot of warning signs that he could be).
Quote:
Originally Posted by milliondollarbbw
I would at least like to be his friend.....i know, that doesnt make any kind of sense, as I can't really say he would ever really be there for me as a friend.
A friend who treats you like crap isn't a friend, and a lover who treats you like crap doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved.
Friendships and relationships are really based on the same qualities. Respect and caring is core to friendships and love relationships. Being treated as a doormat isn't friend behavior and it isn't lover behavior either.
Would you choose to become friends with someone who treated his wife the way he's treated you? Do you not dump friends who are verbally abusive? Why would you take abuse from a friend and not from a lover? Why are your standards lower for friendship than for love.
Nothing you've said describes this guy as good friend or as good relationship potential. You shoud choose your friends the same way you choose your partners - based on whether they're an asset to you and whether there can be balance in the relationship (you both make each other's lives better, not worse, in roughly equal measures - that is that person doesn't get the vastly shorter end of the stick in terms of benefits from the friendship). A one-sided freindship makes no more sense than a one-sided dating partnership).
Redeeming the bad boy is a very strong and classic fantasy in our culture - but it's just that, a fantasy. In real life it doesn't work out the way that it does in the movies. Even if he loves you, he probably won't change (and if he does change, it probably won't be in the ways you need him to).
If you want to date a "bad boy" pick someone who "rebels" in safe, legal, and non-sociopathic ways.
Your feelings are normal, but acting on them even only "in friendship" is a very big mistake.
Run, don't walk, away from him. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt with this one. You know he lies, you know he's compulsive, and he's playing with you right now. Nothing will make him change. Read that sentence out loud. NOTHING.WILL.MAKE.HIM.CHANGE. Do not bother trying to figure him out, he's not worth your time or the tears he will eventually bring to you.
Find someone who doesn't treat you like crap. The drama and excitement of being toyed with will fade and you'll feel desperate and lonely. You're better than that.
(Speaking as someone who dated a looooong string of a$$sholes like this guy before I stopped letting myself be victimized.)
I agree with Bac0s. Run. Run like ****. And don't look back.
There is nothing to be gained in this one way "for his convenience only" friendship where he's nice one moment and being cruel the next. Friends should make you feel GOOD and have respect for you.
Redeeming the bad boy is a very strong and classic fantasy in our culture - but it's just that, a fantasy. In real life it doesn't work out the way that it does in the movies. Even if he loves you, he probably won't change (and if he does change, it probably won't be in the ways you need him to).
If you want to date a "bad boy" pick someone who "rebels" in safe, legal, and non-sociopathic ways.
This is so worth quoting from Kaplods' post.
If I had a quarter for every woman I've ever known who's ever been taken in by this fantasy, oh man, would I be rich.
In general fiction, in romance novels, in movies, the fascinating guys are always bad, but there's something that's supposedly underneath that's worthwhile, if the woman puts in the effort. Like a mansion that's fallen in decay, but could be gorgeous if restored; or a horse that's faster & flashier than all the others, but simply won't be ridden by just anyone.
It's so very flattering to one's ego: I have great powers as a woman because I am the ONLY ONE who sees the potential in this mess.
Nice dream. Well, actually, nice self-delusion, to give it the proper term.
Some women like drama & unhappiness more than happiness. And then they wonder where all the normal, loving, un-dramatic guys are, who treat women well. They don't see them because they filter them all out. They look for dramatic, moody, self-centered brooding @ssholes & zero in on them unerringly.
Guy A treats you like gold; he opens doors for you, he never argues, he all but lies down in mud puddles so you can walk on him without getting your dainty feet wet. You friend-zone him because frankly, it's dull to be with someone who always mirrors your every move so completely.
Guy B is a total jerk-face good-for-nothing. You know he doesn't like you and the feeling is mutual. There is no spark whatsoever there, unless it's the spark of burning hatred you feel in your gut whenever you look at this jerk's smug face.
But Guy C...ohhh, Guy C is a blend of A and B. He treats you so well one day, then tells you to **** off the next. You're never on solid footing with him; he's as unreliable as rotten ice and you never know when you're going to make it safely back to shore or get plunged into the cold and darkness. Every time he's kind, you believe that this is the "real" him and that it's proof that he cares about you. Every time he turns around and treats you like crap again, you wonder what YOU did wrong and redouble your efforts to please him and get him back to his "real" state of being good to you. You fall madly in love with Guy C because you're just sure--100% sure--that if you could just be a little bit funnier/prettier/wittier/warmer/colder/something, he would drop all his defenses and love you fully.
It does not work. He is incapable of relationships. He is a reptile.
It's one of the most manipulative sets of behaviors that anyone can inflict on another person. Whether he does it consciously or unconsciously, it's manipulative. Please don't be taken in by it. Realize that the "real" him isn't the loving, kind side. It might not be the jerk side either. The real him is a sad, manipulative little tool that can't hold down a real relationship, so he counterfeits one by playing this hot/cold game to get some semblance of human contact before his stunted emotions short-circuit again.
Just as some people are born color-blind, others seem to be born emotion-blind. They have some emotions, but they aren't what the rest of us feel; they're missing something that lets them experience the whole spectrum of emotion just as someone who's color-blind doesn't see the whole spectrum of visible light as others do.
It's a shame that he's broken in this fashion, but it's not the kind of thing you can fix. Nobody can. I understand all too well how tempting it is to try to fix him, and he probably understands it too. That's why he keeps showing you how broken he is because it lets him reap the benefits of your attempts to repair him.
Walk away. You will be infinitely happier that you had the strength to make that choice than if you linger and hope and wish until he decides that he's wrung all the satisfaction he can from you and moves on. He's just a simple paramecium emotionally and doesn't really know any better, but you do--and you can escape now before you wind up hurt by someone whose stunted emotional range doesn't even let him understand what he's done.
Edited to add: You might want to Google the term "limerence"; it's pretty fascinating stuff.
Last edited by Nola Celeste; 04-03-2011 at 06:35 PM.
It all sounds very dramatic. The highs are very high, and the lows are very low. It also sounds like a "tale as old as time". There is nothing different or special about your attraction to him that makes it worth flirting with this situation. Thousands upon thousands of women (me included) have been down that road with this special kind of jerk-off, and as far as I know, it has never once ended in anything but misery. The bad thing is, that even if you "know" you should keep your options open, that slowly fades to the all-encompassing drama. It's easy to get in way too deep before you even know what's happening.
I don't want this to sound harsh, but IMHO, there's no special spark there, everything you are talking about is a case of really miserable self-esteem. Please do yourself a favor and focus on yourself and your health right now, because treating yourself well and being proud of yourself is a sure cure for allowing yourself to be treated sub-humanly by ANYONE, for ANY REASON.
Have you ever liked a guy you know you probably shouldn't, but you just had this weird attraction to?
Sure. I've liked a few bad boys. Even kissed one of them, but that's as far as I let it go. It was when I told him it just wasn't going to happen between us and I kissed him goodbye and encouraged him to find someone more compatible. He was the best of the bad boy lot, and I felt he could have some redeeming qualities but it sure as heck wasn't going to be with me. "Best of the bad" is still bad!
We were casual acquaintances after that -- and he dated a nice girl I knew next and I was glad for them but also glad for me.
Because I wasn't involved with him!
I just wasn't up for being a bad boy GF, and I don't care what song and dance they did to try to win me over.
I feel like they are best crushed on from afar like you'd crush on a poster of a celebrity. No email, no phone, no actual contact. Just all fluff stuff in your head, but really... something to eventually put away as silly and not real.
Never actually put on the table of REAL dating possibilities, nor actually befriended. It's too much risky drama/damage for too little results in return.
I'd delete his number and make a break. Spend your time elsewhere. He's not a friend and he's not a BF. He's a red flag.
What? Do not continue to contact someone so rude. Socially, when you do not have to contact him?
There's negligent and distracted.
There's snapping at someone.
(Note: if I were single, I would not continue to be receptive to men who did these things.)
Then there's what you're talking about! If a male acquaintance/new friend I was interested in told me to leave him the f*** alone?? Well, he sure as f*** wouldn't have to tell me twice.
As far as I'm concerned, you don't know each other after that response. I mean, out of polite nature (and fear of violence) I'd be basically polite to any overtures in the process of distancing myself ... if there were any? But really now. You cannot seek friendship or anything with a man who talked to you like that. I strongly feel that you need to back off and be busy -- be busy being too busy to talk to him at length, and anything other than superficially. This is not someone you want in your life!
