Internet dating can turn out good. I should know ... i met my husband on a chat room. Then we chatted/talked on the phone for almost two years. I was around 17, and he came all the way from CA to TN to visit me once I was almost 19 (about 4 months til)-- then we ran away and got married, but, hey, it all worked out. Come this November it'll be 5 years married. My parents were pretty ticked when I ran off, but they are completely happy for me now. I think you should go for it.
Last edited by 3FCer344892; 09-07-2010 at 04:34 AM.
Kaplods- wowza! You're awesome!! Do you do free therapy sessions online?? lol
LOL! Sorry, I'm flattered, but my master's degree is actually in developmental psych, not clinical/counseling psych, so I'm really not qualified. I had to do some career and life counseling in several past jobs (probably the most as a probation officer), but it was all informal, seat-of-my-pants stuff, and for any serious issues I referred clients to the professionals.
UGH! I just posted some pictures for someone I have recently reconnected with. I am a few inches shorter and a few pounds heavier than you...you are totally making me question if I should have done that. The last time he saw me was 20 years ago, in college...
Last edited by Twiddlebug; 09-09-2010 at 10:03 PM.
First, I think it's too bad that many people consider internet dating to be taboo when in reality most single friends I know are on multiple dating sites. My recently divorced parents are also on dating sites! And I know of many happy couples that met online.
I confess that I met my husband on a dating site (militarysingles). Because at the time I met him there was a bigger stigma attached to internet dating, I chose to lie to most people, including my family, about how we met. It's silly, I know, but I come from a family that LOVES to tease and this is one subject I don't need to be teased about or judged by.
How did I get into online dating? My bestfriend has always been obsessed with guys in uniform and found militarysingles. She came home one day excited and nervous to make a profile and asked me to do it too so she didn't feel like a dummy. I was matched with a few guys and went on a dates with them. Then I was matched with my now husband and we talked on the phone everyday for about 3 months before we met. We've been married for almost 3 years now!
As for profile pics, here is what I looked for: An honest picture of that person. That means it's been taken within 6 months, isn't altered or blurry, or taken on a special occasion like Halloween or a wedding when they're all dressed up or looking their best. I always asked for a few more pics in their everyday clothes. I learned this the hard way after showing up for a date and the guy looked completely different from his head shot because most of his face was shaded from his hat and the other pic was a wide shot with him in the pic but he just looked like a body.
I’ve had quite a bit of internet dating experience over the past year. It still makes me nervous. To me, the difference between online dating and meeting someone in person right off the bat is the expectations. Think about it…that could be your best/worst picture, it could have taken him 45 minutes to write that witty, charming e-mail (lots of backspacing and spell checking), either of you could be exaggerating lots of things…smoke and mirrors are commonplace with online dating, in my opinion. And by the time you meet someone, you already have this idea in your head of what they’re like in person and how things will go and that can set you up for a lot of disappointment and deflation.
I’ve been pretty lucky so far….the guys I’ve met liked me and I liked them. However, that’s not always going to be the case and it’s important to remember that that’s okay. That’s the way it is in “real” life, too. I don’t like the pressure that sometimes comes along with online dating…it’s like, “Our profiles match, we’ve exchanged some amazing messages and I love your pictures, we’re meant to be!” It’s not always going to translate into real life.
One thing I would caution against (and Kaplods touched on this): don’t move too fast. Don’t get your hopes up or build this guy up to be just the most amazing man on earth. Take it slow, be rational, be casual, keep your wits about you. Remember that there are probably a lot more things that you don’t know about him than you do and at this point, some of the things you “know” might be completely fabricated. I don’t mean to sound like a downer, but I’ve made the mistake of moving too quickly and then I had to clean up an awkward mess. I’d be very leery of a man who called me his soul-mate so soon…how could he possibly know that? And the fact that he’s stopped looking indicates that he is expecting a certain level of commitment from you, as well, and what happens if you decide you aren’t ready for that?
Have fun with it…talk to lots of different people and keep it as light and fun as possible. It doesn’t have to be a soul-mate thing. When I talk to someone online, I remind myself (and sometimes the other person) that even if things don’t work out romantically, there’s nothing wrong with just making a new friend. I try to refrain from pinning too much hope and anticipation on one person. You have the right to mingle and be choosy!
I like to consider myself a online serial dater after going on about 10 dates or so within the last year. I've done everything from match.com, to pof, okcupid, and yes craigslist. Craigslist is actually my favorite because you can be specific about what you're looking for and you don't have to put up your picture so it's a bit more discreet. The guys who are interested will send emails and if you're interested you can reply and take it from there. Anyways, I digress.... I am currently struggling with a similar issue at the moment. After going on several dates and ending up with lunatics, a relationship gone sour, and somewhat of a broken heart it's been hard. There's one guy from craiglist that I really like and is super cute. In the ad I mentioned I was a "curvier" female so that got that out of the way. He replied with his pic and since I was interested I sent a pic back with a really cute picture of myself. My friends continue to assure me that the pic looks like me and is not too glamified, but he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and it's putting so much pressure on me! To the point where I stopped sending emails back and ignoring his phone calls. I recently decided to give it a try again to at least meet him and I think you should too. You don't want to look back and wonder what could have been. Who knows when love or a new friend is going to pass you by. Take a plunge!
. He did say that after waiting for me for three months, and we only turn out to be good friends (only) it will be totally worth it. He said that he is use to being single and another three months will not make a difference in the bigger picture.
Oh, he sounds like such a keeper! I brought up my weight a few times during our emails. I told him that the 'a few extra pounds' were not a typing error. He replied by saying that as long as I don't have to go though the door sideways, he will not be bothered!...
My husband said something very much like this in his response to my ad. Our first dates were terribly awkward. We could talk on the phone for three or four hours and only have to quit because our voices were sore - then we'd meet in person and have nothing to say.
If we had met as a blind date, there probably wouldn't have been a second date, but we both knew that we liked each other so we kept meeting, kept having bad dates, and kept calling each other as soon as we'd get home and talk for three hours - or write each other 1000 word emails.
I've never had a problem with confidence, except when it comes to dating, and that wasn't confidence as much as fear. I was confident that I didn't want to date someone just because they wanted to date me, but I was afraid of rejection. That meant I was very picky about who I would go out with. I only went out with guys who met requiremkents, and guys who made the first move (and they couldn't be subtle, because I wouldn't pick up on it, or I'd be afraid that I was misreading signals and would ignore it).
You have nothing to lose here. There's not a chance in hades that this guy is going to be worried about your weight or your height (most tall guys love tall girls, someone they don't have to look down to).
He's made it so clear that he isn't concerned about your weight, that I don't think this is about your weight at all, or even confidence. It's about fear of rejection and abandonment, and that fear doesn't go away, because even the most confident people in the world still have those fears. Only psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists and people with other personality disorders lack those fears.
If you lose the weight, you're going to worry about your hair, and if you change your hair, you're going to worry about your clothes. If you buy a new outfit, you're going to be worried about your height - and you can't change your height.
Do not put this guy on hold. Keep talking to him - even if you refuse to meat him yet. Keep talking. Write emails, talk on the phone, send more photos. The only way you're going to get over this fear is to get to know him - and even then you're going to eventually have to take a leap of faith.
The longer you wait for the "perfect moment" the bigger the let-down is going to be when you finally do meet. You're going to disappoint yourself, just because you built it up in your head for so long.
Pop psychology tells us that we have to love ourselves before we love others, and while there's a tiny bit of truth to that, it's also a lot of crap, because by love ourselves we often mean feel confident, brave and bold.
My beautiful (and much thinner) sister is extremely shy. If she waited until she felt bold and confident, she would never go on a date ever (as it is, she doesn't date much unless friends set her up).
She's also extremely funny, but you won't know it until you've known her for three or four months. She doesn't let her guard down with new people.
I don't think loving yourself is your problem (because you were able to list your good points). This isn't about love, it's about confidence and fear, and the cure isn't waiting for and making the moment perfect, it's about jumping in and getting your feet wet.
As much as I love my husband, I don't believe in the "soulmate" concept at all. I think there are thousands of possibly wonderful mates for each of us. So, if we miss the opportunity for one, there are dozens more out there (and online daiting makes them easier to find), that we can have amazing, wonderful lives with.
But even though thousands are out there, you won't connect with a single one, if you don't meet any of them. And this guy has set the stage as perfectly as it can be set. Even if your weight wasn't at issue, there's not going to be many guys that set up such a low-stress meeting. A guy that's willing to be friends, even if there's no "love connection," is a guy that will give you both a lot of time to develop one. You can date him AND continue to lose weight.
One thing I'd ask you to consider - If you looked like a model thin, you still look like a model with a little extra padding. Guys go crazy for that look. Most men tend to like women a lot more curvier than women want to see themselves. So a woman looks in the mirror and sees fat, a guy looks at her and his mouth drops open and he loses the ability of coherent speech.
Even 211 lbs tends to look pretty damned good on a woman almost 6 foot tall. I've known a lot of tall women between 5'10" and 6'2",between 190 to 230 lbs, and instead of looking fat, they look like plus-size models (which anyone who knows modeling, knows that plus-sized models aren't plus-sized, they're average sized - but far from average looking. In many ways, more stunning than the typical model because they look like a beautiful woman, not a half-starved stick).
I don't think your picture didn't look like you, I think it did you justice. Get a few more photos taken. Not just Glamour Shots from the mall, but candid shots from friends and family. Post them on your walls in every room until you see the beauty that everyone else has to be seeing.
Ok did no one think this guy was a little bit creepy??????
I'm sorry the whole soulmate thing is creepy... I've met a lot of D-bag guys online... I've heard them say a lot of stuff....they say all kinds of stuff that sounds sooo perfect... some of these guys do this as a game...just as they would in real life...
Also yes you stalked his facebook... Guys know that us females are stalkers...he knows you're going to check on him... I just find it a bit creepy...but thats my two cents.
But I still can't get myself to meet him. He sounds so good to be true, that I really do want to be 'at my best' before I meet him.
You're solo now. If you meet and don't click, you're still solo. The worst that can come from meeting him is being in the same situation you're in now. Stop using your weight as an excuse to prevent yourself from making the attempt to find happiness...you'll actually be genuinely happier by doing it.
Internet dating is just like "normal" dating, guys can be liars, players, or just your average guy, or your dream guy. I met my boyfriend online, but not on a dating site (he met his ex on one though). We met playing a MMO, were friends first, then decided to meet. Scariest thing I ever did was getting on that plane, but also the best.
I’ve had quite a bit of internet dating experience over the past year. It still makes me nervous. To me, the difference between online dating and meeting someone in person right off the bat is the expectations. Think about it…that could be your best/worst picture, it could have taken him 45 minutes to write that witty, charming e-mail (lots of backspacing and spell checking), either of you could be exaggerating lots of things…smoke and mirrors are commonplace with online dating, in my opinion. And by the time you meet someone, you already have this idea in your head of what they’re like in person and how things will go and that can set you up for a lot of disappointment and deflation.
you've already got tons of good advice. this entire post rang true to me. it's very easy to get into an idealization/fantasy mode with the internet.
I'd say don't put too much pressure on yourself or the outcome of a meeting with any one person. remember you're in control of your own brakes and speed. don't feel desperate, and trust your instincts -- about him and about what you want.
I met my husband online also, through MySpace. After a couple weeks of messaging back and forth, we started texting, then webcam then he started calling. Two months later I was in Texas for the weekend to meet him. That time that I met him in person, I was the heaviest I ever was in my life! I was 187 pounds and although I was secretly freaking out that he was thinking that I'm too fat I wouldn't let it show. He is this super fit military man. I was myself the whole time, from when we started talking to when we met. He still wanted to be with me and now we're married.
Not all internet dates work out successfully, but once in a while they do.
saw me was 20 years ago, in college...
