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Old 09-06-2010, 06:31 PM   #1  
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Default Internet dating confessions


Last edited by Findmyself; 09-24-2010 at 03:20 PM.
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:18 PM   #2  
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Ummm....they are pictures of you! You do look like that. What are you waiting for? You posted your best pictures, I bet he posted his best pictures. Email him. And meet him in a public place, be safe, yadda yadda yadda. Go for it now!!! Carpe diem and all that stuff.
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Old 09-06-2010, 08:20 PM   #3  
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Originally Posted by midwife View Post
Ummm....they are pictures of you! You do look like that. What are you waiting for? You posted your best pictures, I bet he posted his best pictures. Email him. And meet him in a public place, be safe, yadda yadda yadda. Go for it now!!! Carpe diem and all that stuff.
I agree a billion percent!!!!!!!! GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-06-2010, 08:43 PM   #4  
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back in the day I did the same thing- probably 8 years ago now- I lied, I ACTUALLY lied unlike you- and when I realized how awesome he was I too felt guilty & told him the truth- and his response "I love you" - aw so cute; turned out not to be the man for me, but I learned a lesson... He thinks you're his soulmate, you think He's the man of your dreams, so how better to start a good relationship than OPEN COMMUNICATION!! TELL HIM "The reason I wanted to take a break is because I was insecure that I look better in the pics I posted than I do in real life. They are real pictures of me, not photoshopped, etc, I just really have feelings for you & I dont want you to be disappointed" I am a HUGE fan of laying it all out on the table. You've already done a great job with you weight loss, and having a man in your life always helps me with the motivation to keep on loosin But if you really do want him to be the man you will spend the rest of your life with, you need to have effective communication!
And I really believe with the feelings you both have for each other it will all work out! You never know... you may regret those three months horribly years from now, wishing you had more time with him...
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Old 09-06-2010, 08:45 PM   #5  
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I also agree! It's not like you put your face on someone else's body! The pics were you. You are not a liar at all! I hope you don't let this opportunity pass you by!
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Old 09-06-2010, 08:45 PM   #6  
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PS were exactly the same height, how cool
I cant wait to get down to your weight!!!
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Old 09-06-2010, 08:48 PM   #7  
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I actually have several things to say, so forgive me if this gets looooong and sort of jumpy, but here goes...

First, I met my husband online. Like you, we corresponded for a long time before we met...4 months in all. I sent him my best picture first, and then after we had been emailing for a bit, maybe a month, I sent him another, more candid, shot. And by candid, I mean I was laughing and looking a bit like a horse. I thought, if he likes me it won't matter if occasionally I look less than perfect. He told me much later, after we were engaged, that he thought it was great I sent him the second picture, it made him feel more comfortable and that I wasn't "deceiving" him. He had a rule that he would NOT respond to any profiles that had glamor shots on them because women don't look like that all the time and it indicated a certain insecurity in his opinion. So after he relaxed, he felt like he was much more open to accepting I was a person he really liked for what I had to say, and less about what I looked like. Don't get me wrong, looks are important, but you can only look at someone for so long until you have to have an actual conversation.

Second, I have a good friend who used a glamor shot for her profile pic. The shot was from 5 years earlier and she had gained a significant amount of weight since. She was being deceptive. She emailed this guy in Alaska who was moving back home after he left the army and she really liked him and thought he felt the same. When he came back and saw her, he brought her home early from their date and then stopped returning calls. I think it would have worked out for her much better if she had been more honest, but as it were, he felt deceived. Plus, you want someone who acepts you, not an image you try to portray because you can never keep up an image that isn't true.

Now, why do I tell you this? Because I DON'T think you are being dishonest. You posted a current picture, at a heavier weight that reflected you in the best possible light...but not an unrealistic light. I'm sure he did the same. I think maybe you should be a bit more up front and tell him you friend sort of freaked you out because she said what she did and then email him another more current picture. I'll bet he is not nearly as shallow as you think.

Oh, and get a more supportive friend.
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:00 PM   #8  
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Aww!!! I totally agree with DaughteroftheKing-Go for it!!! Tell him why you are feeling apprehensive and have that heart-felt conversation with him, then-go meet him! He sounds like such a sweetie, I'm all excited for you!
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:44 PM   #9  
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I really, really think you should go for it NOW! If he already considers you to be his "soulmate," then he shouldn't care if you're a little heavy (and by looking at your ticker/height, I'm going to assume you're not as big as you may think you are!).

Just be straightforward--I totally agree with Gamecockgrrl, about the whole deceiving thing. Trust me, if he's really that into you, he's going to think you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen--even at 212 pounds! And if not? Then he's not good enough for you.

Have some confidence! Best of luck. <3
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:55 PM   #10  
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I got messages from a couple of cute guys, met one of them for a date (first one), got a condo, got a dog, got engaged, got a 3 month old baby! We've been together for years. We are 26 and 32.

Worked for me!

Oh, and my picture was using a cheap digital camera in the bathroom mirror.

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Old 09-07-2010, 12:30 AM   #11  
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I met my hubby through a newspaper/online personal ad (it appeared in the local newspaper and on the newspaper's dating site).
I almost didn't give him a chance, because most of the responses from the ad were rather odd (but really not that much odder than you meet in a bar or on a blind date. It just feels like more, because they're coming all at once, not every few weeks/months).

I think you're probably drastically overestimating the discrepancy between your photograph and the in-person you. I think you're probably also overestimating the perfection of this guy. You're idealizing him, and trashing yourself - STOP IT! (LOL, if only that helped, right?)

Online dating isn't that much different than in-person dating. Everyone says "be yourself," and almost no one really is (at first). Instead, we not only put our best foot forward, we hide as many of our flaws as we can and slowly bring them out one at a time, hoping that we can "hook" the person with our good qualities and that they'll eventually find our quirks "endearing" or at least not so disturbing that they run for the hills.

And the guys are doing the same. So Mr. Perfect, isn't perfect he's just like you - putting on a good face to meet the best possible woman he can convince to date him.

And I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but one thing that does concern me a bit is that Mr. Perfect played the "soulmate" card before meeting you in person. That's a bit of a red flag (I'm talking as a psychologist and as a sister to a stalking victim). Now, I don't know what it is a red flag of. It just shows that he jumps into an emotional attachment pretty hard and fast. That's not necessarily a horrible thing, but it is a red flag to be aware of. "Normally" a person, male or female would wait until meeting before making such a declaration (even if they were secretly thinking it).

Also, if someone told me that they had to work some stuff out - I would assume they meant they were involved with someone or married, or in legal trouble, or drugs.... Far worse demons than a few pounds. The longer you wait to make a connection, the more it seems like you've got serious emotional baggage that he'll have to deal with. That he's willing to wait (if that's the truth), that's a bit unusual. Not wonderful, not horrible, just a little odd. But if he's the kind of guy that's ok with waiting for you to "work out personal stuff" that doesn't sound like a guy who's going to be put off by a few pounds.

That he's promised to wait, along with the soulmate thing... well it might mean that you connected so deeply that he really does think you'll make such a great couple he's willing to overlook some serious stuff (or he realizes you may just be nervous about meeting). It also could mean that he's got some serious baggage himself, and you've got to prepared for that too.

Everyone has baggage, and finding someone isn't about hooking the most perfect catch you can land, it's about finding someone who's baggage you can live with. Do you want someone who would throw away "soulmate" for 30 pounds?

Also, how are you going to tell him that you didn't trust him enough to accept you as you were? That you thought he was so shallow that you couldn't hook him unless you were a specific weight? If he's a guy of real substance, as perfect as he seems, I think he'll be offended. And if he is that shallow, is he Mr. Perfect after all?

What if you told him your concerns, that you feel your photo made you appear slimmer than you really are, and see what he says. Remember, he's going to know that this could mean that you weigh 5 lbs or 100 over what the photo indicates.

Have you considered at least trying to get a flattering, but more representative photo. A glamour shot, but one that's at least 3/4 body length? It might make you feel better.

But really, if appearance were really important to him, he would have asked for more pictures. In my experience, the guys who are hung up on looks tend to request a lot of pictures (it's creepy even), because they aren't dumb and they, just like us, know that one photo can be very misleading.

I think your odds (and the odds that he's not odd) are better if you're honest and don't wait. The longer you wait, the weirder it will seem to him. And the longer he's willing to wait for you, could mean he's very patient, or it could mean he has some demons of his own.

I'm really not trying to spoil your image of this guy, but I do want you to go in with a clear head, realizing that you have just as much to offer him, as he might have to offer you. In fact, if you don't believe that, he's not the right guy for you. You do not want to be in a relationship in which you think you're with someone out of your league - those are the relationships that tend to become very dysfunctional. You'll either overlook bad behavior or abuse because you feel "lucky" to have him, or you'll be constantly jealous and fearful that he's going to one day realize he can do better.

Remember you don't just have to impress him, you have to expect him to impress you - be looking for his weaknesses too - and if he seems like a guy too good to be true, it's very possible he is hiding something (now whether it's something you're ok with, that's a different story, but be looking for it - and be planning ahead in terms of knowing what you will and will not accept. Keep your head).

Dating is a lot like a job interview. There are a lot of people who end up with jobs or partner that are very wrong for them, because they focused so much on being the right person for the job/person they weren't using the interview/dating process to make sure the job/other person was right for them. Remember you're not just interviewing for the "job" as his girlfriend, you're interviewing him for the job of being your boyfriend. If it doesn't work, it wasn't the right fit. It doesn't mean there's anything horribly wrong with either of you.

Good Luck.

Last edited by kaplods; 09-07-2010 at 01:09 AM.
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Old 09-07-2010, 12:57 AM   #12  
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Well, I hate to say it but Kaplods has nailed it. I can add nothing except that I agree with her response damned near 100%.
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Old 09-07-2010, 01:22 AM   #13  
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I agree with Kaplods too. I want to know an update on whatever you decide to do!
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Old 09-07-2010, 02:11 AM   #14  
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As usual, I agree totally with Kaplods. (Seriously, I lurk a lot and I don't think I've ever come away from reading one of her posts without feeling like I gained some sort of wisdom from it.)

You are who you are right now. Love yourself as you are (sooooo much easier said than done), and let someone else love you as you are. Don't wait and hope that you'll someday be "good enough".
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Old 09-07-2010, 03:21 AM   #15  
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Kaplods- wowza! You're awesome!! Do you do free therapy sessions online?? lol
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