[imtryingtotry]

I think its great we all have a safe place to talk about this. Personally I think about it on a daily basis, but I dont consider myself suicidal. Does that make sense? I do see suicide as an option for me, if I dont drop this weight I'll probably go ahead and do it. If I achieve the life I want then ok, I'll live until God calls me home. Because IMO killing yourself is the easy part, the hard work is living. And honestly Im just tired, I'm only 21 but I feel like a women in my 40's. Im human I have the initial fear of death because its the unknown, but I know I rather die than continue living the life I live. Honestly I don't see it as a sad thing, my here and now is sad enough. Death is easy I hope.

[clonehappy]

I lost my brother to suicide last November, and I don't deny he was more a jerk than a good person for the latter years in his life. We were SO close as kids and still I was closest to him even when he treated me and our parents so poortly (terribly long story I won't go into). I always knew he was a little weird with his emotions ... major bouts of violent anger and then depression. Always sought highs with drugs to escape or drinking heavily. I saw some signs, but I thought I knew him well enough cause he was honestly terrified of ever getting hurt in any way ya know?

He moved out to California to try his hand at a few things and after months of my mom still paying his rent (this is after my dad passed away the year before (needless to say its been a tough emotional road for my mom and I), my mom had to say that she couldn't afford to support him anymore. She didn't tell me or show me alot of the emails he had sent and he NEVER acted as depressed to me as he was with her. But she got the call he had taken his life on Nov 7th ... and I to this day wonder, why didn't he reach out to me at all? I would have tried anything to help him. There were a lot of things we found out about him that he had hidden from us of a very personal nature, and it shocked me to say the least ... and I almost feel like he had gotten himself in so deep and felt so lost he felt he had no other way out. I think about him every day and always wish I could talk to him about nerdy tech stuff since we were just so into that stuff.

I've felt myself THINK these kinda thoughts (though never in a serious light), but I know myself and I could never do that to my mom or my hubby. Though I admit my hubby doesn't seem to show the compassion for my emotions about that issue. He's very much the type of "Ok you've mourned, now there's nothing you can do and we need to move on". And in a way he's right, but he's never lost anyone in his family like that or is really that close to anyone in his family. Never want to bring it up with my mom more than I have to as well cause she is finally accepting things more too. I miss him though so much. Its nice to get this out ... I dont really have any outlets for this kinda thing. Thank you for making this post.