My DH's best friend committed suicide on August 19, 1994. He was only 22 years old. It was the most awful thing I've ever seen (not literally). The funeral parlor was crawling with people, he acted like he had no one. He OD'd on pills. We knew he was depressed and there wasn't a damn thing we could do to save him. My DH blamed himself for a long time.

On the other hand, after my beloved mom died on November 6, 2007, I went into a deep depression. The only thing from preventing me from ending my life was my kids. They were 1 and 5 at the time. If they were older, I would've done it - I was that depressed. I'm glad I didn't though because even though the journey to find myself has been riddled with twists and turns, I'm here today because I fought my way back. I have a new life, one without my mom but still a good one.

Also, I thought fleetingly about it in my teens because my childhood was spent with a verbally abusive father who was an alcoholic. I couldn't do that to my mom so I pushed the thoughts down as best I could. On a lighter note, my dad is in recovery and we've slowly made our way back to each other especially since he's my only living parent left. So, there is a silver lining, so to speak.

Gosh, I've never in 39 years revealed this to anyone. I feel...10 lbs. lighter, at least.

When I was in 7th grade I was faced with one of the worst phone calls of my life. My best friend since Kindergarten called me and said she was going to kill herself. She was in a tough spot in her life but thankfully myself and my family were there to support her and help her get help. She got married over the weekend and just recently had a baby. One phone call and support can change a persons life!

In about 9th grade I had another friend chug a bottle of cough medicine. She happened to tell me a few minutes after she did it. I couldn't get over to her house right away so I called her mom who knew something was wrong with her but didn't know what. She quickly got help and again I was thankful that I was there.

A month ago my uncle tried to kill himself. He is getting the help he needs and thankfully is still here. It's amazing what is out there to help people who are hurting to badly. If you ever think someones life is in danger seek help right away. I can't imagine how badly it feels to lose someone as all I've had is almost losing them. That is bad enough for me!

My sister tried to kill herself when she was a freshman in college by downing a bottle of cough medicine and a package of pain pills. She ended up in the emergency room and had her stomach pumped. The whole family still treats her with kid gloves, and I wonder what percipitated it all - was she just depressed in general, was she raped/sexually assaulted, was she afraid because she was failing out of her major, does she have some major health problems? No one will ask her, for fear that she will try something again. It is a very weird situation. She lives in a kind of weird state of social arrested development - outside of her work environment, she is obsessed with juvenile things like boy bands and tweener movies (she is in her mid 30s). On one level, I am a tiny bit mad at her for being so selfish that she did what she did and created this permanent unease around her, but mostly I just feel pity for her. Pity that she doesn't really want to let anyone, not even her closest family in.

BettyBooty-

My best friend is suicidal, and from what she tells me, one of the hardest things for her is that her entire family refuses to discuss it with her. Talking about it helps her. She talks to me, and to some other friends, but every time she tries to discuss it with her family they kind of do the "la-la-la I can't hear you" routine and so she feels very isolated there. I don't know about your sister, but it might not be a bad thing to just ask sometime if she'd like to talk about it. She might want to.

EagleRiverDee

I'll think about it, but unlike your best friend, my sister has never, ever talked about it with any of us, not even right after it happened. I've tried to get her to talk by opening up a bit about what I have gone through and am going through, but she still hasn't shared.

I am so glad I found this support group, I need to verbalize heavy issues. I was sexually molested by my father when I was 13 and when I was 15 he was killed in a quad accident. Since his death I gained 10 pounds every year and that was 6 years ago. I am so confused with my feelings all the time, one moment I'm mourning my father figure and the next I'm so disgusted with him. I also become so angry that he died before I could have turned him in, sometimes I wish I could have hit him for the pain he brought me. The day that he molested me I ran away from home, but later returned when I knew my mom would be home and then told her what happened. I'm still impressed with my bravery that I was able to tell her. She was so furious with my dad that she got into a huge fight with him, but he was abusive to her that she never did anything, but the one thing she did make sure of is she never left me home alone with him and I am so grateful for that. However aft that night that subject was never brought up, until recently. My mom randomly asked me to give her the details of what happened that night. I told her that he touched me on my chest. She was horrified but also relieved that he didn't go any farther. We both believe that everything happens for a reason and if my dad had lived any longer my mom believes that he would have tried to completely rape me.
She brought that subject up because she noticed a change in me this year. This year I went back to school to get a doctorate in physical therapy and it has taken a huge toll on me emotionally. I commute for an hour and 10 minutes and lately during that commute I began to think how easy it would be to drive my car under a trailer truck.
When I told my mom these thoughts she at first grabbed me and sobbed, then she collected herself and made me a doctors appointment.
I have been on anti depressants/ anxiety medication for 9 months now and I feel strong. I go back to school at the end of this month and I'm ready to rock this year. I thank god so much for my strong mom who stood up for me and provides me with strong support.

baj2010706-
Thank you for sharing that story. I'm glad you did share your depression and anxiety with your mom- and glad you're now in a good place!

I don't know why I'm randomly posting here other than I wouldn't know where else to. I've thought about ending it numerous times a day for years now.. Sometimes I fear I'm toward the end now. But then, I can't do that to my mother. I think that her death will be the end of me. I don't know how on earth to deal with losing her. I figure, if I'm going to live, I need to get better before that time comes. I just lose faith that there is help around the corner. I could talk to an expert, and leave feeling empty as ever. I just always feel so empty. I don't have any friends, or anyone to talk to (even online.. which shouldn't be hard, but it's like a natural law for me to be completely isolated.) I thought I was safe because I avoided thinking up a plan. But then I realized last night, I really do have a plan. What on earth keeps people going? I need an entire life overhaul, but don't what such a thing would entail. I'm not even depressed right now. These things are just always on my mind, like rational thoughts. I've never been a happy person, and don't get why other people don't have so much trouble. Sorry for the vent. I told you it was random.

ok i need help. ever since i was 14 ive struggled with low self esteem, depression and suicidal thoughts. This stems from a bad break up which left me feeling isolated, unwanted and disgusting and then an incident at uni involving my drink being spiked.
In the past ive tried several times to kill myself (cutting, drink and drugs, punching myself in the head until my vision goes blurry etc) and recently these feelings have been barely contained beneath the surface again.
I have been contemplating throwing myself off the bridge on my way to work every morning and on the way home every night.
I have only told one friend about these feelings and all he ever says is that i need to see a doctor. I dont feel this is an option for me at the moment but i dont know where else to turn. I feel he is losing patience with me and i dont want to burdon him anymore but really he is the only one i want to talk to about this. I feel so lonely and worthless.

I know some of you may be feeling or have felt like this before and i guess im hoping someone might be able to suggest something.

Sorry for writing this but i just dont know what else to do.

@ Rechyl-

You need to turn to someone. A parent, a mentor, a doctor, suicide prevention specialist, Pastor...someone. Discussing your feelings here can be helpful, but having a local support network is invaluable.

Two of my good friends are suicidal. They use me to discuss their feelings, and I'm glad I can be there for them, but I confess to getting frustrated when they don't take steps to get help.

You don't say WHY seeing a doctor isn't really an option right now. I hope you will take a good look at your reasoning and if you think it's just an excuse, then overcome it and go. Depression is a very real disease with a very real PHYSICAL cause. It involves an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, and sometimes it requires medication to correct.

Other things you can do yourself:
-Talk to someone you trust
-Exercise! Exercise is a proven mood booster.
-Journal your feelings and be introspective
-Try to be social. I know, easier said than done sometimes, but social connections can really help with managing depression. See friends, go to church if you are religious, attend groups that have similar interests like book clubs, etc.
-Don't allow yourself to think negative thoughts about yourself. When you catch yourself doing that, say STOP! and think something positive.

Most of all, don't ever think that your life doesn't have value or that no one would care if you were gone. People WOULD care, people would be devastated.

I hope you will get help, because life is truly an adventure to be savored. We all have rough patches. I went through my own dark depression years ago, and am so glad that I got help.

God Bless!

Dee

What if you show ALL the signs & no one is noticing it? That's me & without blurting it out & hurting those around me, how can I cry for help?

For those of you that might need someone to talk to, or know someone who does, here are some resources that might help. It is divided by regions and has resources worldwide.

http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/w...tion_Directory

Also, there is the Kristin Brooks Hope Center.

http://www.hopeline.com/

I would say: blurt it out. I guarantee they would rather you did that then followed through with suicide. That will hurt them FAR more.

Sometimes people don't want to see the signs because it's hard to admit that someone you love might hurt themselves. Or they see them, but are afraid to ask. You may find, if you say something, that people will say they did notice and were concerned but didn't know how to broach the subject with you. Once you broach the subject with them, that could start the conversation and get you the help you need.

EagleRiverDee, that was a thoughtful and perfect answer...Alicia, I hope so much that you find someone (in person) who will listen to you...you know you can talk to us here, if that helps!!

I myself have suffered from CD (clinical depression.) The first time I was 26. It was bad. But I did get professional help & that was the first time I was ever on anti-Ds too. Again at age 34, and then again at age 43. I'm 48 now, and seemingly starting to go thru it YET again.

I no longer see any use in talk-therapy (*FOR ME*). There's nothing "wrong" in my life. I have a good job, a wonderful husband and a nice home. Of course nothing is perfect, but really, life is good. My depression, I am completely convinced, comes from the "misfirings" in the brain. I seem to go thru these long bouts of severe depression, and yes, I have thought of suicide. Well, not "suicide" per say, not like "I should just step out in front of a truck" but more like "If a bus were to hit me as I was crossing the street, that'd be ok" kinda mentality. I didn't really want to kill myself, but if I died, then fine. Sometimes I just really get tired of living.

A long time ago, before my first bout with CD, I used to think that people who committed suicide were "weak". Throughout the last 20+ years, I've found that to be completely untrue, and it's a shame that so many people do view it that way. I've known three people who committed suicide. One in high school, one was a guy I briefly dated in college, and one a cyber friend just this year. I now know that these people feel utterly at the brink - they absolutely see no way out of their pain, frustration, & sadness. The only way to stop it is to end it. It is heartbreaking, especially for those who are left behind wondering "what could I have done? what could I have said? why didn't I know it was that bad? I don't understand! Why, Why, WHY????" - sometimes the guilt alone is unbearable, and I'm not sure anyone ever gets over that kind of pain.

I recently started taking Effexor - yesterday was my first day on it. And likely my last. The side effects were horrible. The physical side effects were bad enough (nauseated, headachey, constipation, restlessness, drowiness, sleeplessness) but the mental side - I felt like a big black cloud settled over me - more so than ever! Like I'd dug a hole & thrown myself head-first into it. So no, I didn't take it today.

I have been on several different meds, including prozac, paxil (gained 30 lb on that one!!) celexa, wellbutrin (that one REALLY brought on the deep sadness!) and zoloft - I was on prozac for the past 3 years, and just got off it last year. I think maybe I should go back to it, and definitely will discuss with my doctor. I don't necessarily like the idea of being on a medication for the rest of my life, but if that's what it takes, then I'll do it.

I wish peace to all of you who have suffered from this ****, both as a patient and as a loved one standing helplessly by.