~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out...
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining In Your Home...
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene...
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no- no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods
Dating (outside the family)...
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette...
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings...
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette...
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral prossession.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! If my husband sent me down the road with the empty gas can and instructions to bring back beer, I'd drink the beer and take a cab home!!!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share important financial information with your spouse in a timely manner, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a ride. She accepted, got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing at work, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was then spotted by a passing hunter who promptly shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Manure might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson #6
In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.
Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ***.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
1. Weight-lifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This
is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm
up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse
and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some
deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony for the BBC TV Boat Race: "Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew..
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing
so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh, my God!" she yelled to her lover, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window," came the strangled reply from beneath
the sheets, "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied,
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun; the r ain is the least
of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes, and jumped
out of the window. As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's
annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air, "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside, "Do you always run carrying your
clotheswith you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes," he answered breathlessly, "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do
you always wear a condom when you run?"
Interesting Social "Tips"
Six Lessons For Success In Life
