WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking ... surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this
short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room
of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full
name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with
the same name had been in my high school class some 30
years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way
too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then the son of a ***** asked,
"What did you teach?"
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Subject: FW: The eternal battle
>
> In the beginning
> God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green
and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives.
>
>
>
> Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and
Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said:
"Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too..with sprinkles." And lo
they gained 10 pounds.
>
>
>
> And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so appealing.
> And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
>
>
>
> So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
>
> And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the
side.
>
>
> And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then
said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to
cook them."
>
>
>
> And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster
chunks, and chicken-fried steak...so big it needed its own platter. And
Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
>
>
>
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
potassium and good nutrition.
>
>
>
> Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
>
> And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that
his Children might lose those extra pounds.
>
>
> And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels.
>
>
>
> And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretch jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite.
>
>
>
> And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then
Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super
size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good."
>
>
>
> And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
>
>
>
> God sighed....and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
>
>
>
> And then....Satan chuckled and created HMOs.
>
>
The following are all replies that Dallas, TX, women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Scary to think these women are breeding.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.
I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.
7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur.
The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
River Walk...
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" 
Finally, The Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes!
And...Blonde's Revenge!!
oh i am so glad that 1. i am not blonde and 2. i dyed my hair red last night. 
