Life Explained
 

This has a ring of truth in it.. ;)

On the first day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said..."That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty,
and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Canadian Joke #1!!
 

(I'll post one a day for the next week..:) )

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

And today I called one of my DH's co-workers ( 6 foot 4 and 300lbs) a girlie-man for saying that he drinks Coors-light! :lol:

Poor Doggie!!
 

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning... :rofl:

Canadian Joke #2!!
 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Indubitably
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
* Specificity
* Antidisestablishmentarianism
* Loquacious
* Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Canadian Joke #3
 

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.

However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.

He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut
out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

(O.K., What's a "Newfie" and what's this mean in English? :?: ) ^^^^^^^^^^^

:lol3: pissing and moaning sounds like my house lately

The Bridge
 

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The End Is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?" :lol:

Lettermans Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
 

Noodles - a newfie is someone from Newfoundland (east coast Canada) -lovely people - not sure how they got a reputation for being dumb though :shrug: I 've never met a newfie I didn't like :D

"Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?" means "What did you say, mister?" implying that when the surgeon cut out the 2/3 of the brain it turned the man into a French Canadian.

Both of which makes this not a very politically correct joke here in Canada but we'll forgive you doll :D

PHEW!! Sorry..:( I had no idear what it meant. Now if it was in spanish I might of known. hehehe.. And you know what? A canadian friend in Mississagua sent me all of those Canadian jokes..maybe it's an Ontario thing?? Beats me... :dunno:

MEN

It's not so complicated!

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Not me, Ellis. :shrug: But I still love a man in tight jeans anyhow!! :hyper: :lol:

Crawl In A Hole And Hide!!
 

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who did....

#1:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.

#2:
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a Pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

#3:
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas Cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! -Name Withheld - (go figure)

#4:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was un-happy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


#5: Nuts about You!
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

#6:
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX SUPER SIZE". That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

#7: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times??
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing!
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

#8:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

A true story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!