Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......
So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them,
when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the
right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all
the way to the top of the tree.
Now... Men are like a fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
I just copied that and emailed it to a friend of mine. She's tall, beautiful, active, independent and needs to lose about 50 additional firm pounds. No flab on this girl because she's so active. World traveler, hiker, swimmer also sings in a choir that has even performed it some very elite venues. Lots of male friends, of course because she's alot of fun. But she's at the top of the tree. You're so right, the guys prefer the rotten apples on the ground that are easy. Why climb for the crisp apple when you can settle for apple sauce. And believe me, some of her competition is apple sauce.
I really think she'll get a kick out of this. Thanks
NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it . so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of the Senile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
Remember???????????
I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2 My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3 I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7 If all is not lost, where is it?
8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15 It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen..I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
One day the Mother Superior at a convent called all 100 of her nuns into a very important meeting. Solemnly she announced that this morning, she had discovered a pair of mens socks in the convent.
99 Nuns said ohhhhh, and one Nun said "tee hee hee"
She then announced that she had found a pair of men's boxers in the convent.
99 Nuns said "ohhhhh", and one Nun said "tee hee hee"
Next she announced that she had found a used condom in the convent.
99 Nuns said "ohhhhh" and one Nun said "tee hee hee"
Finally she announced that she had found out that there was a hole in the condom.
99 Nuns said "tee hee hee" and one Nun said "ohhhhhh"
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
> > OVERHEARD ON AMERICA'S AIRWAYS
> > On a Southwest flight (SWA has no assigned seating,
> > you just sit where you want) passengers were
> > apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
> > flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
> > not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get
> > in it!"
> >
> > On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight
> > attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and
> > gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
> > be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
> > comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
> > attendants."
> >
> > On landing, a stewardess said, "Please be sure to
> > take all of your belongings. If you're going to
> > leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd
> > like to have."
> >
> > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
> > are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
> >
> > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
> > hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as
> > we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
> >
> > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
> > Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the
> > loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
> >
> > After a particularly rough landing during
> > thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
> > Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
> > opening the overhead compartments because, after a
> > landing like that, sure as **** everything has
> > shifted."
> >
> > From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
> > Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat
> > belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
> > tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
> > and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
> > probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
> >
> > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
> > masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
> > grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
> > have a small child traveling with you, secure your
> > mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
> > traveling with more than one small child, pick your
> > favorite."
> >
> > "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
> > broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
> > before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
> > loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
> > Airlines."
> >
> > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
> > your belongings. Anything left behind will be
> > distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
> > Please do not leave children or spouses."
> >
> > And from the pilot during his welcome message:
> > "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best
> > flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
> > none of them are on this flight!"
> >
> > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
> > landing in Salt Lake City: "That was quite a bump,
> > and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
> > you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
> > pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
> > fault, it was the asphalt."
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Scotch and Humour
New Virus
That was great. Especially after the flights I have had lately. 
