In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
It's even hotter than usual in Phoenix, 116° sets a new record, the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzo't, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 1/2 years. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths. "
A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"
"I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and
do no exercise at all."
"This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old
are you?"
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees a object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen De Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ........ MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Ya but Noodles is leaving..again... *sigh* Death in family. Going right back to where we just left..ahh well...We aren't leaving right away though so I have some time to post more jokes.
Dave Barry
How Did We Survive Without Low-Carb Diets?
The Denver Post
Sunday, March 28, 2004
I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers,
but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid
things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right
from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with
your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with
helpful safety warnings such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER."
But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -
prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.
I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and
foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party,
and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix
record playing (a "record" was a primitive compact disc that operated by
static electricity). And then, when the mood was right, somebody
would say: "You wanna do some 'drates?" And the next thing you
know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or crackers,
or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths
and just...EAT them.
I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant.
It's not like now, when everybody knows how bad
carbohydrates are, and virtually every product is advertised as being
"low-carb," including beer, denture adhesives, floor wax, tires, life
insurance and Viagra.
Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!
Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified
of all carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at
a midtown Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their
wallets over to a man armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. ("Do
what he says! He has pasta!") The city of Beverly Hills has been
evacuated twice this month because of reports - false, thank heavens -
that terrorists had put a bagel in the water supply.
But as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the
danger of carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat
was from eating "calories," which are tiny units of measurement
that cause food to taste good. When we wanted to lose weight, we
went on low- calorie diets in which we ate only inedible foods such as
celery, which is actually a building material, and grapefruit,
which is nutritious but offers the same level of culinary
satisfaction as chewing on an Odor Eater.
The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal
human could stick to it for, at most, four hours, at which point he
or she would have no biological choice but to sneak out to the garage
and snork down an entire bag of Snickers, sometimes without
removing the wrappers. So nobody lost weight, and everybody felt
guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation, turned to disco.
But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented
the Atkins Diet: Dr. Something Atkins. After decades of research on
nutrition and weight gain - including the now-famous Hostess Ding
Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted in a laboratory rat the size
of a minivan - Dr. Atkins discovered an amazing thing: Calories don't
matter! What matter are carbohydrates.
Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that - incredible though it
seemed - as long as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without
guilt, eat high- fat, high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork
rinds and whale. You could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig
had not recently been exposed to bread.
At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as
Galileo and Eminem, Dr. Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility.
The low- calorie foods industry went after him big time. The
Celery Growers Association hired a detective to - yes - stalk him. His
car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police determined to be
shards of Melba toast.
But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream - a
dream that, some day, he would help the human race by selling it 427
million diet books. And he did, achieving vindication for his diet
before his tragic demise in an incident that the autopsy report
listed as "totally unrelated to the undigested 28-pound bacon
cheeseburger found in his stomach."
But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of
Americans to lose weight. The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at
actual Americans, who have, as a group, become so heavy that
North America will soon be underwater as far inland as Denver. Which
can only mean one thing: You people are still sneaking Snickers. You
should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?
_________________
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, theyfind it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking
sound is driving me crazy! The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the **** up!"
Zippers & The Bus Stop
Arizona "Joes" Prison Camp
good ones
Oh My!!!!!!!!!
