I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life is sexually transmitted, have you ever thought about that?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Obvious solution: put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
>>For those with no children - this is totally hysterical! already have children past this age - this is hilarious. For those who have
>children this age - this is not funny. For those who have children nearing
>this age - this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children -
>this
>is birth control.
>
>The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've
>learned from my Children (honest and no kidding).
>
>1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
>inches deep.
>
>2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
>blades, they can ignite.
>
>3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
>
>4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
>enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
>cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
>on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
>
>5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
>a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
>you
>get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
>
>6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
>ceiling fan.
>
>7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
>late.
>
>8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
>
>9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
>old man says they can only do it in the movies.
>
>10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
>
>11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
>
>12. Super glue is fore! ver.
>
>13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
>walk on water.
>
>14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
>
>15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
>do.
>
>16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
>
>17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.>
>18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
>
>19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
>ovens.
>
>20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
>
>21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
>
>22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
>
>23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
>
>24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
>
>First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the
>story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
>story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials
>for his home. She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the
>wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
>that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
>"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and
>said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was
>unable
>to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
>25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
>
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge
said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective."With a golf gun," The other detective replied, "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,"How do you get into those pants? "The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in ****."
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?"She said, "Because you didn't say "ae" afterwards.
This guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he's lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 lb. weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck, which reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door like a shot. It takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She's the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. He decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.
"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely!", he says. "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at this door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you."
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog'scross-eyed, is
there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
21.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "DAM!!"
22. And my personal favorite... "You don't have to be crazy, but it helps!!"
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The
man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was
blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in
front of him throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot
quietly approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're
in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch
your legs?"
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they
looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember... things aren't always as they appear.
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, DUMBASS! DRINK YOUR FRICKING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DAMNED SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, @$#%?"
Did You Hear About...
these were great!
Some Quickies...
e" afterwards. 
One-liners For Fun And Amusement...
