There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took
her faithful pet golden retriever along for company. One day, the golden
retriever starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers
that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The golden retriever
thinks, "OK, I'm in deep **** now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground
close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says
the leopard. "That was close. That golden retriever nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for future protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the golden retriever
saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that
something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being
made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the golden retriever sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the golden retriever says.....................
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
Heather, that's me all over.
