Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they all were all going to
fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of
the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for
her husband and kids and for men in general without ever getting
anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men applauded.
Although I've seen this before, I thought I'd post it anyway:
Food and Exercise Logic
I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ....! .. Cocoa beans .... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie! If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
The Blonde & the Fire Escape
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing
up to the roof. Firemen are on the street below holding a blanket for
them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance
to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and the firemen yank the blanket away... the Brunette
slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon, jump! You gotta jump!' The firemen yell to the Redhead.
"Oh, no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" Says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're okay with Redheads!"
So the Redhead jumps ant the firemen yank the blanket away and the
Redhead is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again the firemen
yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way!" Yells the Redhead. "You're just gonna pull the blanket
away!"
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that
you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So, what I want you to do is
put the blanket down and back away from it."
Car Shopping
> > > > >
> > > > >One of life's embarrassing moments!
> > > > >
> > > > >A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then
> spots
> > the
> > > > >perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel
> the fine
> > > > >leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
> > > > >
> > > > >Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
>
> > noticed
> > > > >her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop-up right
> now.
> > > > >But,
> > > > >as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
> > > > >
> > > > >"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
> > > > >
> > > > > Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
> lovely
> > > > >vehicle?"
> > > > >
> > > > > He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted
> just
> > > > >touching
> > > > >it ... you're going to **** when you hear the price"
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up
the subject of sex."Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian
responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the
couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not
long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm .With each slap of his forehead, his member grows
until it' s quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite
impressive, but it is still narrow.""No problem," he says, and starts
pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until
the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she
exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day
the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As
they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it,"
says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he
replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
I almost peed my pants. 
