A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
("Oh, heavens no, officer! Only when he's been drinking.")
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and personal Attention 6.5. And then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHl 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Naggin 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. what can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperated:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 1.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2 which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly. CAUTION: What everyou do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program. but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Sexy Lingerie 7.7.
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunatley, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. when it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made a supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home form work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way home she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end fo her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,apologizing for taking so long,he asked her if she had peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the talbe to wish her a Happy Birthday"
With all the sadness and trauma of today's world, it is worth reflecting on
the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the
age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They
put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a
beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down
the beach. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to
her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At 7 the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a
very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this
time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and said,
A young lady who is also an 'Air Freshener' saleswomen entered an elevator. The urge to pass gas suddenly came upon her and since no one else was on the elevator, she just let it rip. It turned out to the Mother of all gas...You know, the kind that peels paint from the walls, would hurt a man and kill
a boy...
Anyway she reaches into her purse and quickly sprays nearly a full can of Pine scent into the air.
Moments later, the elevator stopped and a little drunk carrying his groceries got in the elevator. He began to sniff...
The lady, who was very proud of her air freshener scents asked him "What does that smell like to you??"...
The little drunk replied "Smells like someone pooped a Christmas tree"...
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She
swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell
Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right
after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put
him there to dry.
Mental Health
